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Bend Over And Crack Me A Smile

My “I don’t want to do diddly shit” day was rudely interrupted when I got a phone call from the very bubbly radiologist. I could tell that she loved her job because there is not enough coffee in this entire world to make a person so full of perky life at 8am. Either that or she was really good at bullshitting in which case I need to take some notes for when I return to work on Monday. I can’t imagine that working with a person who poots glitter and smiles all day is easy to work with. Poot? It’s my new favourite word.

I digress

Glitter Pooter called to remind me that my pelvic ultrasound appointment was at 11:40 and that I needed to refer to the instructions I recieved for “preparation”. So I searched my office (office meaning the top of my microwave because that’s where we keep all the important papers and where I strategically slip in my MasterCard bill for my husband to pay) and found the pelvic ultrasound instructions. Basically it said:

Start drinking a shit ton of water 2 hours prior to your appointment and try not to piss yourself.

What’s a shit ton of water you ask? It’s enough water to make your eyes cross. It’s enough water that you stop breathing because heaven forbid you may sneeze. It’s enough water that you lose the circulation in your legs as your waistband cuts into your expanding bladder. It’s enough water that you think that holding your crotch and twirling around your kitchen as you squeeze your inner thighs together will prevent it from seeping. It’s enough water that when you open your mouth and say “Ah!” you can see your kidney’s floating.

In other words, it’s a torturous amount of water.

Before I began drinking I had to have a little chit chat with my willpower cause lawd knows that drinking enough water to feed an entire 3rd world country needs a lot of focus to hold it all in.

“Dear Willpower. Willie. Will. WP. I need you to step it up today. I need you to keep my mind off the fact that my bladder is about as full as Kim Kardashian’s ass. I need you to stay stronger than the levies in New Orleans. I need you to resist the urge to pee. We can do this.  Amen”

Down went the first of a million glasses and skip to 2 hours later.

At 11:35am, I arrived at the check in counter and was hoping the glitter pooter was there. I needed to pee very badly and she was the one who was going to save me, but alas, I got stuck with “I hate you and don’t care if you’re going to pass out because the urging pain of urination is so intense” lady.  She escorted me to the “inner” waiting room and I slowly lowered myself into the seat making sure that the button on my jeans didn’t dig into my bladder. The sign on the door to the ultrasound room said “Exam in progress. Do not enter.” 

Fuck. Great, I thought.

So there I waited…and waited…and waited. A worker came around the corner and I stopped her. “Lady, I have to pee so bad. How long is the wait.” She started to giggle at me. It was Glitter Pooter.

Glitter Pooter: “Oh, I’m sorry honey, but we had to squeeze in this pregnant woman today. We tried to get the ultrasound last night but the baby wasn’t cooperating.”

Me: “Well can someone yell in that woman’s vagina and tell that baby to start posing like it’s on America’s Next Top Model cause I think I’m going to wet my pants”

Glitter Pooter: “Ok. Hang on there sweetie. I’ll see how long it will be.”

Glitter Pooter disappeared behind the door. I could hear talking and laughing and ooohhhhs and ahhhhss and the sound of what could have been Glitter Pooter’s uterus exploding. Then the door opened. Glitter Pooter was followed by the radiologist and the pregnant lady who was staring in awe over the glamour shots that they took of her fetus. She looked so blissfully proud in that moment and I almost took her down as I ran into the room while unzipping my pants.

Radiologist: “My! Someone has done this a few times.”

Me: “OH. MAH. GAWD. I need to pee so bad. Can we get this over with?”

She chuckled and sat down. Slopped the goopy stuff across my lower abdomen. I held my breath and started to count to a bazillion as I saw the wand come crashing full force into my full bladder.

I didn’t move.

I didn’t breathe.

Before the words I’m done left her lips, my pants were already around my ankles and I was running towards the bathroom. I quickly dropped my fat ass on the toilet seat and proceeded to pee. It was almost euphoric as I felt my bladder deflate and I was about to sigh in relief when I heard the radiologist clear her throat.

Radiologist: Ah hem ugh cough cough. Let me shut that door for you.

Meh…I’m used to having company when I pee.

Note: Cyst is still there, however the radiologist said that it would NEVER CAUSE A BACK INJURY. So employer? Suck it. I have to wait a week to get the report from my doctor. Hopefully, that bugger didn’t grow.

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33 comments to Bend Over And Crack Me A Smile

  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Tracy Cabanting, Kimberly M. Kimberly M said: Bend Over And Crack Me A Smile http://f.ast.ly/Pm87d [...]

  • Pua

    Assholes. I hope everything gets better soon.

    And they can suck it.

    [Reply]

  • OMG — that’s one of the funniest and best written posts I’ve seen in a long time — and funny, because I’ve been there in ultrasound hell and I know what it’s like. I dealt with cysts for alot of years and had to got through those danged tests more than once. There is good news though — menopause is supposed to shrink those puppies. Something to look forward to. ;)

    [Reply]

  • Your posts keep me smiling. No, they keep me in tears from laughing, and I wear cheap mascara so you’re just a biznitch for it. Also, Glitter Pooter? That’s fucking art!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Pamela, Does the cheap mascara burn your eyes? Curious…I bought some kind of expensive mascara and when I had a bawl fest, it ran into my eyes and I swear there were daggars in it.

    [Reply]

    Pamela Reply:

    I use the cheapie Maybelline mascara, the one with the pink tube and green top. It runs if I cry but not like you see on tv and no, it doesn’t burn my eyes. Sounds to me like you got ripped the frack off!

    [Reply]

  • You’ve captured in words that feeling perfectly!

    [Reply]

  • You can be comforted by the thought that pregnant lady will never pee in privacy again either. I hope you don’t have to hang out with glitter pooter again anytime soon.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Poppy, Ah Glitter Pooter is an alright gal. I haven’t peed by myself in 2 years. Oh the joys of being a mom!

    [Reply]

  • Oh My Lord. I can’t even breath because I have been laughing so hard. Too bad you couldn’t bottle up all that pee and take it with you to shove up the asses of the employers. :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Donna, hee hee. Love you Momma!

    [Reply]

  • Claire

    wait…you mean the main goal in life ISNT to poot glitter?? Well what the hell have I been taking this damn prozac for? Glad youve got a big fat “denied” to take back to the d-bags. :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Claire, Dude, if that were the case, not only would I be pooting glitter, but I’d be pooting a family of unicorns that poot glitter. hee hee

    [Reply]

  • you my friend? are hilarious!
    and i’m glad for this “good” news… hope the report is done swiftly and the poop-eaters over at the hospital get it rubbed all over in their faces! boom!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Grace @ Arms Wide Open, Actually, my family doctor wanted it done because she just wanted to make sure that it didn’t grow in a year. My period (totally TMI) is really off and she’s wondering if I need to change BC pills or if it’s being caused by the cyst. I know, my body hates the shat out of me.

    [Reply]

  • liz

    this post was soooooooooooooo funny but it was about a very serious issue and i don’t want to laugh too hard.

    it sucks to hold it for that long, but i was DYING when you wrote about running to the toilet with your pants around your ankles and the radiologist helping you by closing the door.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @liz, She was cool about it. She actually said that I wasn’t the first one to do that. The bathroom is attached to the US room just for that purpose she said!

    [Reply]

  • Oh Glitter Pooter…

    Anyway, as you know I’ve had the cyst thing too…and have had a lot of those fricken exams…I NEVER drink the amount of water they tell me to. I drink about half of it because when I drink it all 1. I really do pee my pants, and 2. They always tell me to go empty some. Next time don’t drink it all.

    Next, everytime I hear the reference to your insurance company trying to connect the cyst to the discs, I drop my jaw. It’s ludicrous! I don’t even know how to spell that word either! That’s how rare it is for me to use it!

    Keep pluggin away!!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @City Mom, Making a mental note for next time! Actually, it might not have been too too bad if I didn’t drink a cup of coffee in the mix. Natural diuretic ya know.

    [Reply]

  • I’m dying here! I think I just snorted my diet coke up my nose, dam girl you are funny and dangerous, ouch, coke burns hurt! I so love the fact that you just sat and peed and didn’t care who was watching. I so know that euphoric feeling you are referring to, kinda orgasmic!

    Megan

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Megan, Oh it totally is orgasmic. I just thank the lawd that I didn’t have to empty my bladder some. That’s tricky to stop when your bladder feels like it’s going to explode!

    [Reply]

  • Hilary

    “Glitter Pooter!” That is genius. Pure genius. I remember I needed to have a fill bladder to have my ultrasound during the appointment where we found out I was having a boy (my first was a girl and we were convinced we were having another one). I was so shocked, I walked right into the bathroom and peed. I then remembered that I was supposed to pee in a cup but forgot. I thought about scooping up some of the toilet water but figured that was too gross. I had to apologize to the nurse who was cool with it and I just kept saying, “We’re having a BOY!!”

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Hilary, Ahhh! How wonderful…about the boy part. I think that when you’re pregnant, you only have to have a full bladder on the first ultrasound. Good thing though. I always hate when they hand you a Dixie cup and say just pee a little in this. Yeah right!

    [Reply]

  • Kat

    Lol! You are too funny! I am used to company when I pee too. I hope this will be the last of your problems with your employer.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kat, Oh I wish. Actually, my family doctor wanted this done as a follow up to the one I had at the beginning of the year. Just to make sure that it didn’t grow any more.

    [Reply]

  • Kelly

    I had to read this one out loud to my husband, we’ve had to do that so many times! We? What WE? I’VE had to do that so many times.

    And now may not be the time to say this…as in the time Brett’s OBGYN cousin told me…but you don’t actually HAVE to have a FULL bladder. Sons of…I mean, do they understand the torture? He says he doesn’t even tell his patients anymore to fill their bladder. I think they personally enjoy watching us preform Kegels like it’s going to save our life and not just our underwear…

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kelly, Wha? ARe you serious?! That is so BS. Making a mental note for next time!

    [Reply]

  • Glitter Pooter? This is SO why I love you.

    you rock mah socks. and I’m glad you didn’t wet yo pants.

    And? F you, employer!

    [Reply]

  • You are too funny! What a hilarious post!

    [Reply]

  • Pop

    The whole time I’m reading this post, I’m thinking, “She’s not gonna make it. She’s not gonna make it. She’s not gonna make it.”

    [Reply]

  • I HAAAAAATE the hold your pee ultrasounds. Seriously. Seriously. Why have they not discovered better technology for women? I’ll take that vag ultrasound dildo any day over the pee thing. And no one cares when you’re sweating and ready to pass out from the pee. This is not the time to have a wait. One time, I made such a fuss, they actually told me I could go pee a little bit to take the edge off. I was all, “Have you ever tried to pee just a little bit when your bladder is about to explode?”

    But I did it. Try telling a man to pee just a little bit. Yeah, right. Snort.

    [Reply]

  • Christ almighty, I almost peed my pants just reading about your experience! That is sheer torture. And Glitter Pooter? Genius!!

    [Reply]

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