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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

If I was given the chance to redo one moment in my life, I would have never saved that patient’s life.

As I was being wheeled back into the operating room on Wednesday, I began to tear up. The nurse noticed and had stopped the stretcher in the hallway. She put her hand over mine and asked me if I was nervous. I nodded my head yes.

Truthfully, I was more than excited and ready to get the first of 4 rounds of steroid injections. They meant pain relief.

I was tearing up because I was pissed that I had to be going through this.

On December 7th, 2003, I was working out at triage when I was approached by a woman asking for a wheelchair. Our ER never had wheelchairs and I more than likely smirked at her request. I asked if the patient was capable of walking in and she calmly said

“He. He is not breathing.”

Without thinking I ran out to the parking lot.

I remember the patient slumped over the hood of a black car. From a distance I could see that his lips were pursed and tinged blue. As I approached him, his wide distraught scared eyes said it all.

I needed to act fast.

If he was a small child, I would have carried him into the ER, but he was larger than I was. I ran back into the ER to get a wheelchair and obviously there were none. There were no transport stretchers. There was only one option…

A computer swivel chair.

I ran back out to him and lifted him onto the chair and dragged him to our trauma bay. He was intubated within minutes and my spine?

Was destroyed within seconds.

I remember his mother standing in the trauma bay entrance talking to one of our resident doctors. She said that he had stopped using his asthmatic medications at school because it wasn’t cool.

I wanted to choke him.

When talking to other people about my back issues I hear things like “Kim, you saved a child’s life” all the time…

…but truthfully, if I had the chance to do it again, I would have left him out in the parking lot.

I would much rather be pain free than a hero.

PS. Since some of you have started to join in on the Confessions, which I think is pretty facken awesome, I thought I’d add a little badge so you can take me with you. Or not…


  1. liz liz

    You just burst my rainbow poot balloon, Kimberly!

    Thanks for sharing what happened that caused you the injury. I wish your “reward” for being a good samaritan hadn’t come at such a high price.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @liz, Me too…like a bazillion dollars and a mansion next to Oprah would be awesome 😉

  2. oh friend. i do not blame you at ALL for wishing this. that kid’s dumb choice has left you with a lifetime of pain and agony. I wish you never did either.

    and I LOVE the badge! I am going to participate next Saturday! 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Katie, Squeeee!!! I’m so excited. If the badge doesn’t work you can blame my ultimate knowledge…or lack of knowledge of computer talk. I suck at it 😉

  3. You are a wonderful woman, and I think you still would still do it again. Of course, you probably will stop to ask how big the child is.

    I am keeping you in my constant good thoughts vibe that the injections will help you. I can not even imagine going through the pain you are going through on a daily basis.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Donna, You know, I could have probably called a code blue and had people come OUT to the parking lot, but adrenaline makes you do stupid things.
      Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts Donna. THat means the world to me 😉

  4. Oh, wow, I had no idea that’s what happened. I can’t blame you for wishing you hadn’t done it, but it was obviously in your caring nature to respond right away. Also, what kind of hospital doesn’t have wheelchairs? That’s just ridiculous. I think I read in another post that you herniated a couple of discs in your back, right? I also have 2 herniated discs – not fun. I hope you get some pain relief very soon.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Pamela @My Life as a Libra, Isn’t it weird how you notice how much we actually use our backs after an injury. Eeks! I have 3 herniations plus degenerative disc disease and arthritis.
      My spine? Clocking in at 90 years old.

  5. Oh, you poor girl!!! I can’t imagine – years of chronic pain. It must be so difficult.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nicole, It is but you kind of learn how to deal with it. It’s taken a long time to accept this.

  6. Well it wouldn’t be Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
    if you didn’t share one of your deep, inside thoughts. Your honesty is admirable and it makes complete sense. It would have been so much more worth it if the kid was truly dying because of accidental causes…not because he was being an ignorant teenager!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @City Mom, I’d probably still not like him even if he was compliant with his meds. Ack. The stupid things that adrenaline makes us do!

  7. I can’t believe I stumbled across your blog today. Three years ago this winter I stopped my car, left my kids in the back…made them promise to stay put, because Mommy was going to go help push a strangers car out of the snow. Two women were sitting in the car. Stuck. No one was helping them. Pushed the car out..and had a horrible fall….those 2 bitches drove away and left me lying in the road. My two girls crying in the back seat of my car. I certainly did not save a life, but since that day I have been dealing with Doctor after Doctor, scary appts and chronic pain.
    I guess I just want to say. I get it. I’m sorry. I hope the good days out weigh the bad. I send hugs, and wish you pain relief….

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @ModernMom, Oh no! That is unbelieveable. I am so sure that they drove away. What horrible people they are. I am so sorry that you had and still have to go through this. Chronic pain is no joke.
      Big hugs to you too.

  8. You are well within your rights to want to turn back the hands of time and walk away. Poor girl!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds, Me too. We just got a new director of the ER and he is purchasing new wheelchairs after he heard about my story. It only took them 7 YEARS to do something like that!!

  9. Your button doesn’t work on my blog?

  10. I loved that confession. I love how honest you are about everything. The little fart. I hate that you did all that for someone who could’ve prevented the ER visit in the first place. It is amazing to me how you can talk about something so irritating…such a hot topic…and then end the whole post with the words “rainbow poots”. Haaaaa!! It made me laugh out loud…just like your “promen” definition. You are hilarious, my friend.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kelley, Thanks Kelley, I think you’re pretty facken hilarious too 😉

  11. Hilary Hilary

    Kim, I really hope these pain injections work for you. What you did was incredibly brave. I know it sucks, but imagine that the child turning blue in the hospital parking lot was your darling Chunky and no one came to help. Don’t forget that what goes around, comes around. You sacrificed big time for someone else, and the universe is going to remember that. Someday, when you need it, someone’s gonna come through big time for you. I’m prayin’ for ya, girl! Let us know how it goes!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Hilary, You’re right Hilary. Just sometimes when I’m feeling really awful about myself and the situation I’m in, I get so angry about all of it. It could have been prevented. Grrr….

  12. HECK, YES! BUTTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I have to find something to confess. Rather, I have to choose which of my million horrible things I want to confess.
    I want your back to feel better. I really, really, really do. Cause it sucks, and I know it. My lower back is almost completely scarred beyond recognition (inside, not out) and I’ve had everything from high doses of meds to high doses of electricity (to my back, not my brain…maybe…). Proud of you for saving (yet another) someone, but it feels good to confess that, no?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenn, Ahhh…they’re not all horrible things. It’s actually kind of fun making fun of yourself. If you can’t laugh at yourself then…I don’t know…LOL!!

  13. ((((hugs))))

    If only we could turn back time for some things. Then we wouldn’t have to think about or deal with the regret. Your honesty is what I wish ALL women had, then we wouldn’t be constantly judging one another.

    We all have regrets… and most of them we are too afraid to admit out loud.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sugar Mama, Oh thank you so much Sugar Mama. I am trying to keep it real 😉

  14. Ugh! Being a nurse is a thankless job. I admire you but at the same time, I do not envy you. I have serious back problems but not like you do. I can’t say that I know exactly what you’re going through but I do know that a throbbing back makes life suck donkey balls. I’m sorry. 🙁

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Carri, Ugh, it’s crazy how much we use our spines to do the simplest of things eh? Stupid backs and donkey balls

  15. I don’t honestly think you would have been able to live with your conscience if you had allowed that person to die. Your instincts were absolutely right and your training kicked in. Obviously what happened to you was unfair and horrible but you know you did the right thing!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Karyn Climans, There would have been other options though if I just stopped and thought for a second. We’ve run codes out in the parking lot before and I so could have called one out there. Ack. But it’s done.

  16. Wow, that’s quite a confession! Maybe the way to see it would be that every time you feel pain, you have a reminder that you saved a child’s life. A mom has her son because of your quick thinking and caring nature. Who knows what that child will grow up to be! Maybe he’ll be the one that grows up to find an amazing cure for something!!!!!!!!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @sheila, That is a great way to look at it. Thank you Sheila

  17. I need to make a gravatar, mine always looks so angry. I’m totally not angry, lol.

  18. Wow… that totally sucks, but I bet you would do it again… or at least a variation of it. I, too, have constant pain and back problems. Not fun at all. I hope that the injections work!
    Will be linking up with your button. Have to decide in what order to confess. lol

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Carrie, oh that is awful that you have pain too. Bleh. It sucks a lot. I’m excited that you’re going to join in! Yay!!

  19. Vic Vic

    You would def. save a life again…’s in our nature:)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Vic, Yeah, but I could have left him there and called a code blue out to the parking lot without pretending I was super grover….adrenaline makes you do stupid things too 😉

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Paul Butler, I know, but it’s true. If I could do it again, I totally would have done it differently. I probably would have called in sick 😉

  20. Great. More to look forward to….where’s the sarcasm button.
    You did save a life, but then when you find out that the kid wasn’t even be compliant with his meds, and now you are suffering…so sorry for your pain Kimberly, I hope you get some relief…

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sandra, Thanks Sandra. When you get into the nursing field remember that your back is more important than picking Mrs Jones up off the shitter. It’s ok to ask for help!!

  21. Kat Kat

    It is totally understandable to want to go back and change that. You are a wonderful, caring and all around awesome woman for doing what you did but it really sucks that it came at such a high cost to you. I hope you get some relief with the new treatment. Big hugs! Love the new button! I will try to join in next week! 😉

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kat, Squeeee!! Oh I hope you join in how fun would that be!!

  22. mommakiss mommakiss

    Hon, that’s a whopper of a confession and I don’t judge you one bit. I wish I could take away your pain. And then we could go out and make snow angels together.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @mommakiss, With you and your black lung and me with my back, we could totally form a gang called the crips…we’d be so badass.

  23. mommakiss mommakiss

    We are so MFOE.

  24. Beautifully written and so honest. I hope your back pain is relieved, and wish there was a permanent cure.
    Thanks for visiting my blog today.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jean Has Been Shopping, I so wish there was a permanent cure. The next step is surgery. I think it’s going to happen sooner than later. Ack. But I am getting cortisone shots. The next round is in January so keep your fingers crossed for me 🙂

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