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In The Quiet Of My Mind

When the fog dissipated, I slipped comfortably back into my shoes and I felt present. A sense of calmness soon waved through my soul and my thoughts became still. It was within this peaceful quiet of my mind that I became acutely aware of my surroundings. It’s like the world around me had been painted like a new beautiful portrait; waiting for me to rediscover it all.

For when you live in the fog of postpartum depression you don’t notice…

How bright colourful lights are.

The way that fresh fallen snow makes everything seem so still.

The way the bitter air creates those rosy cheeks I long to kiss.

The way cookie dough deliciously melts in your mouth.

The way a Christmas bulb can catch your reflection.

The way he wags his tail in excitement when you stop to play fetch.

The way you sweat while trying to stuff this kid in layers.

The way garland can become so much more with a little imagination.

The way his face lights up with love when he’s with Daddy.

The magical feeling that festive decorations can create in your heart.

The way you find your manger every morning and it makes you giggle.

The way a hot latte can warm your soul on a chilly Monday morning.

The way that glitter reflects, casting shimmery dances of light on the walls.

The way the Christmas tree, full of memories of years past, emits a comforting glow.

The way I can count down the days till Christmas because I am actually excited for it this year.

As I sit here at 1 am, my finger looms over the delete key for the hundredth time, trying to convey how spectacular the world really is when you’re free from the oppressive fog of postpartum depression.  It’s like watching the sun rise in the morning as it brings life to a slumbering world. As the light hits each object, you notice that the world is made up of intricate breathtaking details that makes you feel good all the way to your toes.  

That make you feel excited to be present in the moment to witness it all.

All of these things may seem simple, but when you’re that fog, they go unnoticed. So this year, in the quiet of my mind, I will sit and observe this season, soaking in the newness of it all and feeling truly blessed to be where I am at.

I am so ready for Christmas.

PS. Thanks Dr.B

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47 comments to In The Quiet Of My Mind

  • Yep. Life is good — glad that you are able to enjoy it fully with your family, especially this time of year. :)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nancy, Yes, life is definitely good and I’m thankful for it!

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  • I sat here and nodded my head with every photo and caption. You’re right, you could go on forever because when the cloud hovers, nothing is clear and sparkly, it’s all gray right along with us. Great post Kimberly. Thank you for the outstanding comment on my blog this morning (that I can’t reply directly to, ugh!). You are very dear to me as well and I’m loving right back on you.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Pamela, You rock Pamela! People may not really understand how excited I am of everything and not just Christmas going on around me. Like the other day, I took Chunky for a walk in the snow to mail Christmas cards and the world was just so quiet and still and I kinda just wanted to sit there and take it all in.
    Is that weird?

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  • Also….Am I the first commenter? Woo HOO!!!!

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  • so happy the fog has lifted.
    the season is truly beautiful. Yay for enjoying it this year!!!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Grace @ Arms Wide Open, Fist pump! I’m so excited for it Grace!

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  • Beautiful. And I must say, your pictures of you and your starbucks just really make me jealous.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Donna, It was deeeelishous. I only treat myself once every few weeks since it is so dang expensive!

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  • This is the first year in four years that we haven’t had family tragedy crushing us down at Christmas time. Though not clinical depression (or maybe there was a little of that), I feel a little bit like what you described. Seeing things without that weight on my shoulders gives it a whole new light. I’m trying really hard to just observe and enjoy the little things this year.

    A Happy, Happy Christmas season to you! Thanks for a great post.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Ally, Oh I am so glad that things are looking up for you too. Just sit back with a cup of coffee with the tree lights on and get lost in the magic of it all. You’ll see how beautiful it really is.
    Merry Christmas to you too ;)

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  • That gave me chills. I may not have been as low as you were, but I was there and it is ugly. Welcome back to the world. I am THRILLED for you!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @blueviolet, Thank you so much. It is so hard to describe what it’s like to people who’ve never experienced something so dark. I’m glad that you understand yet sorry that you do.
    The world is a lot better from our under that fog eh?

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  • I am incredibly glad that I made it out of postpartum depression. My youngest is four, now, but I’ll never forget how horrible I felt after both children’s birth (and during my pregnancy with my daughter).

    The grass can truly sometimes be greener.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jen R. (emeraldsunshine.org), Oh it absolutely is when you come out of it. It’s amazing at how vivid everything looks and feels. I am so glad that you made it out to the other side too. Makes you appreciate all the little things more eh?

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  • today is anxiety-ridden. mostly because i have been so excited for this christmas season with my little guy.

    tonight we are supposed to go to a party without him and it is RUINING my whole day. I have horrible anxiety, am on the verge of tears, want to just run away. Christmas to me this year is EXACTLY what you have written here…and it is this way because the fog is gone and I want it to be HIS happiness that shines this year.

    and the thought of doing Christmasy things without him and having to leave him behind is making my tummy turn.

    I feel like shat today.

    but this post–read while I am supposed to be eating lunch–has made me remember that AFTER today? It will be all about my little family.

    thank you.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Katie, I hope that you enjoyed your party some. I know that stupid anxiety can punch us right in the gut and ruin things. Don’t let that betch ruin your good time.
    The gold pants will save you.

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  • I love these beautiful pictures. What I remember most about PPD is that I felt alone, all the time.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nicole, Ugh, that alone feeling is so awful. Even though we aren’t totally alone in the physical sense, we feel it because no one understands what we’re really going through.
    Hugs,

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  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kimberly M, Kimberly M. Kimberly M said: Postpartum depression will not ruin my Christmas this year #PPD #PPDHope http://tinyurl.com/2vabosh [...]

  • heart=happy

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jess@Straight Talk, Totally happy ;)

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  • This post is so beautiful and just makes me want to go outside and soak up life. But I’m stuck at work. So I guess I’ll have to soak my desk up.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Megan (Best of Fates), Boo work. But you work in the forrest with Bambi so that should count for something right?

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  • Kat

    Beautiful post Kimberly! I wish you and your family the most wonderfully festive, happy, healthy, and bright Christmas! Enjoying the holiday season with your family is one of the best things in the world and I am so glad you are able to this year! :)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kat, You too Kat!!!

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  • Ah Kimberly, another beautiful post. Your pictures are absolutely gorgeous. One thing I want to tell you is that you are an absolutely strong person to survive and continue to battle PPD. I have only experienced mild baby blues and that was hard to get through. So you are a soldja my dear, I am glad that you are making the best of this beautiful season. I wish your Hubby, Chunky Monkey and you a very Merry Christmas, enjoy it to the fullest!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nancy, Oh Nancy, that was so sweet. Christmas has really been stolen from me these past 2 years and I am so ready to enjoy all of it. I feel like a kid again. LOL
    I hope that you all have a beautiful and safe Christmas too. PS. Isn’t it great that it’s finally going to be a WHITE Christmas! I think we had rain last year!

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  • I love this post. Real. Hopeful. Humor. Love! I relate to the fog you describe in your post; I am amazed at how differently I see things today. I suffered from PPD x’s 3 and consider myself ‘recovering’ from depression…I get a daily reprieve but I have certain things I do on a regular basis to maintain.

    This post encompasses all that I got when I sought help…freedom and hope!

    Thank you so much for sharing…love the pictures!

    Take care, Amy
    http://mommetime.com/
    PS…thank you for stopping by my blog ;-)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @mommetime, It is really hard to describe to someone who’s never experienced this type of emotional pain on how lovely the world truly is when you are recovering. I am so glad that you survived this monster too and 3 times to boot? You’re one strong chick!

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  • Monica

    So very true! Great post and I love your pictures :-)
    Happy Holidays!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Monica, Thanks Monica, Happy Holidays to you too. Are you feeling any better?

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  • So happy that you’ll be fully present in the season this year. I am much better this year than last year or the year before (even though I’ve just had another baby, I am in a better place), and I’m hoping to be enjoying every second of it. Thanks for reminding me to slow down and take it all in.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jenn@Middle of Mommyhood, Oh definitely do. It is so easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle but when you just stop and sit back, you’ll see that Christmas is pretty awesome ;)

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  • You have such an incredible way with words! I could feel and taste the emotion in your words … great post.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Karyn Climans, Thank you Karyn!!

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  • liz

    I’m soooo happy for you that you are feeling good!

    And I think it’s kick ass that you use the big, old school style colored lights on your tree. That reminds me of the tree in A Christmas Story.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @liz, Our electricity bill is out of this world, but it looks pretty doesn’t it?

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  • I was wondering if you were going to be able to get through an entire post without posting a pic of you and your coffee!!!! Clearly you can’t!
    However, I will say, this was a beautiful post. Bravo!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Sandra, I can’t. That stuff is like liquid crack to me. I need it to function Mrs. Running pants…hee hee…couldn’t resist.

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  • Hilary

    Yay, Kim! What a beautiful post! I opened up about my PPD in my annual Christmas letter this year. I went back and forth forever deciding if I should include it but I did for two reasons. One, I am NOT ashamed of something that was not my fault – most of my friends and family knew what was up, but no one ever really said anything which was okay by me but I felt it was time to point to the elephant in the room and say, “Yep – that big bi-atch is PPD!” The second reason was because many of my family and friends know someone who is preggo, TTC, or just had a baby and I don’t think this issue is ever truly explained. One of my best friends emailed me after reading my letter and admitted she also went through PPD after her second child was born. I wish it wasn’t such a touchy subject because getting support is the best thing you can do. I hope you and your lovies have the best Christmas ever – you deserve it! Oh, and I recently started drinking coffee – within two months, I’ve become completely addicted! My parents even bought us a Keurig machine for Christmas and I’m already using it! Oh sweet liquid heaven!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Hilary, Good for you Hilary!! I am so proud of you. The reason why it’s such a touchy subject is because people don’t understand it and I think that we are afraid of how it will be recieved. That’s why we do need to talk about it more.
    I hope that your family and friends will rally behind you in this but I am so super proud of you.
    Hugs.
    PS. I am so jealous of the Keurig machine. It would probably save me shit tons of money

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  • I’m so happy for you! Your post gave me that warm and fuzzy feeling all over. Loved the pictures and couldn’t agree with you more on everything you talked about, including the sweating that happens when you’re trying to get your kids dressed warm in layers for the cold! Oh joy!

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  • Beautiful post! I am feeling more like myself these days- yay for us!

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  • *Tears*.. This was so eloquent and touching. I love, love, love the pictures and the way you captured exactly what you were saying in them. Beautiful!!

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  • Such a beautiful touching post. So happy that you are enjoying this holiday season so much. Your photos made me smile.

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  • JC

    ummm…if you ever hit delete and try for re-writes, instead of writing from the heart, we will make sure you never poop alone. Don’t want to make your tiara too snug, but you are good when you write

    [Reply]

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