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I’m Trying To Bake Facken Memories Here

This picture needs some explaining…Let me back this story up…

When I was a child, Christmas was always a big deal in our home. It was probably the only time that all 5 of us kids got along together in the name of the holy father…

Santa Claus.

Yes, I said Santa. We had Jesus to contend with 365 days of the year, but it was only once that Santa came to town bearing gifts.

That was if we were good.

Which is why we were good to each other.

I digress.

What I remembered most of those years as a child was doing things together as a family unit. We picked out our tree together. We wrapped presents together. But more specifically, I loved the baking together.

I remember the kitchen being set up like your typical Ford assembly line. Each station was lined with parchment paper and each child had a task to do from icing to sprinkling to taste testing to make sure that the cookies weren’t poison. Sure my Mom worked us like little slaves elves, but it was fun for us. We all worked as a team and for once, we acted like a nice normal family.

Those memories, I cherish.

I knew that when I had children of my own, that I would carry on this baking tradition since it meant so much to me growing up. Plus, I like eating the cookies fresh out of the oven.

Our first Christmas with Chunky, I was in the throes of PPD. I can’t remember what went on that Christmas… so moving on…

Last year, we baked cookies from pre-made dough and I have no shame in admitting that either. Chunky helped by eating the icing and Shawn created cookies of sin. Sigh, he’s all mine ladies.

Anyhoodles, this year I was super excited to bake since Chunky is at an age where he’s more than just being capable of putting himself in a sugar coma.Β Most of all though, this is the first year where I feel swept up in the jolliness of the season.

I am so ready to bake the shit out of something.

On Monday, I proclaimed to the household that we were baking cookies and I got these responses.

Husband: That’s nice. Let me know when they’re done

and

Chunky: I want Elmo. Watch Elmo.

Sigh.

I started mixing the ingredients for the gingerbread cookies to lure the men into the kitchen. When Chunky laid eyes on the pile of dough, he was suddenly happy to help. Shawn however, stayed in the basement watching sports no doubt.

When the first batch was done, I let Chunky taste one just in case they were poison and turns out they were. Chunky spit it back out and said “Momma, dat’s yucky!”

I tasted one and it was glorious. I guess that gingerbread cookies are not a big hit with Chunky. He quickly became disinterested then jumped off his chair and left me alone…

…with all the cookies to decorate by myself.

So I started icing.

Shawn came up to steal some cookies and threw in a “Whew, you made a lot of those. You’re going to decorate them all yourself?”

Apparently, I am you asshole.

I was so angry and sad that no one wanted to help me. All I wanted to do was create memories together as a family. But all I created was this cookie for my husband…

…and this cookie because I am a cripple.

Sigh. I’m baking sugar cookies today so hopefully,Β the spirit of Father Christmas bites those two both in the ass.

If not, I will lick every single cookie.

Anyhoodles, I wish you all a wonderful and safe Christmas. You all rock mah socks and I am truly blessed that you all keep coming back for the madness. Have a drink or seven on me will ya?!Β I’ll catch you all after Christmas.

Love you all


55 Comments

  1. Dysfunctional gingerbread cookies. Somehow, I don’t think you were the first to make these… but yours are definitely the funniest I’ve ever seen.

    I hope your child is not scarred for life — that is my Christmas wish for you. πŸ™‚

    Luv ya. <3

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nancy, You’ve made them too? LOL
      Love you too and I hope that you had a wonderful Christmas. Can’t wait to see your pictures!

  2. That is so cute! I have learned from experience to buy the pre-cut out sugar cookies. I just bake and the girls decorate. In our house all they want to do is frost and sprinkle 100 things.

    I used to have high hopes and made a bunch of stuff, but I was always left alone to do it.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Erika, Well, the mix came from a bag. Last year we used the premade dough to cut corners. But when I semi make them from scratch, I feel more like my Mom…she baked them all from scratch.

  3. HA! What a wonderfully -typical of all households whether they want to admit it or not- post! Celebrating is always so much more fun and memorable when we are just imagining it. Then it happens…we try to enact it, lol. And all hell breaks loose.

    I say, lick the cookies, lol. Wonderfully funny post!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @sheila, HAHAHA!! I was giving away most of the cookies so I thought that it wouldn’t be appropriate to lick them. But the ones we kept? Hee hee…Kidding. I wouldn’t dare πŸ˜‰

  4. Oh I so right there with you!
    I wanted to make sugar cookies to hang on the tree like my mom used to. I even did a test run back in November, because frankly me and baking rather spectacularly do not get along.
    It’s December 23rd and while I do finally have my darn tree decorated, I haven’t made cookies. And I don’t see it happening. My husband isn’t interested in helping AT All. He just doesn’t think it’s a big deal if it doesn’t happen.
    Maybe your will get in the spirit. Sugar dough will probably lure Chunky over to your side. Everybody loves sugar dough! Good luck today.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Deanna T., The sugar cookies were more of a hit. He did help with a few cookies then lost interest after the 20th batch…LOL!

  5. mommakiss mommakiss

    Ok for realz? The hooters girl and broken back? Don’t lick those. I want ’em. Or lick them. I’d still eat them.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @mommakiss, You would totally eat them if I licked them. It’s all about personalization that makes the present special.

  6. Well I’m glad you finally got into it and even put boobs on a gingerbread man, you went all transvestite one us, BONUS!

    I can’t wait till my little guy wants to bake with me. I baked 7 dozen cookies last Monday. I actually took the day off to bake. Love it!!

    Merry Christmas Doll….This year maybe we’ll both enjoy it, dark cloud free!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Pamela, Oh I hope it was wonderful for you too Pamela. We both deserve a wonderful Christmas.
      PS. 7 dozen!!! That’s like a marathon baking!

  7. liz liz

    I totally love your personalizations. πŸ™‚

    Merry Christmas!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @liz, I hope that you all felt better for the big day Liz. I really felt so bad for all of you. Stupid virus and lumps!

  8. Nothing ever turns out the way we’ve planned and worked for, huh.
    This is just too funny. Especially the FAS gingerbread man.
    You totally need to lick all the sugar cookies, then sit back with a smile on your face and watch them eat them.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @JustMom420zaks, I licked my husband’s…that sounded very dirty and inappropriate…HAHAHAH

  9. LMAO at the cookies with, um, add ons and alterations.
    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had these wonderful family memory making plans in my head that get completely blown apart by my husband and son. I had to lower my expectations. Sigh.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Ally, Totally get that. I figured baking sugar cookies would have lured him into helping but he only did a batch. Sigh…but at least I had fun making them πŸ˜‰

  10. The family baking is a work in progress. I’m sure next year Chunky will be all about putting the boobs on the gingerbread girls.

    Merry Christmas!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Joey @ Big Teeth & Clouds, HAHAHHA! I hope he doesn’t put boobs on them. I had to hide that batch from him when they were baking.

  11. This post was hilarious! Your cookies looked fabulous and your son, adorable:) I felt you’re disappointment. Next year will be better! Husband will learn his lesson and your son will be older and understand more how important the baking/making memories thing is to you:)
    In the meantime, keep writing ~ never a dull post when I visit you:)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Bruna, Swooooon! Thank you Bruna!!

  12. why does this always happen to the mom? seriously. I think it’s a boy thing. If we had little girls they would be all OVER helping us. sigh…lick away, momma. I’d still eat ’em!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Katie, They were glorious and my family loved them. I think that I just might have to ask for a baby girl next Christmas so that I can have a helper

  13. Gotta love the look of disgust on your son’s face when he tries the cookie dough …

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Karyn Climans, HAHAHA! He cracks me up. He also did that when he tasted my mother in laws very burnt coconut cookies and said “Gram, dis is nasty”….HAHAH

  14. That is the best looking Dolly Parton Gingerbread creation I have ever seen. I hope your husband appreciated it.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Booyah’s Momma, I was a little jealous of how perky those boobs came out. My husband thought it was hilarious

  15. Ha ha I love it Kimberly!

    “You’re not getting laid!” Put that on a Christmas tag and place it on a wrapped empty box!

    It’s funny when the mom gets all into an idea but the rest of the family does not…how dissapointing!

    It’s the age I think because little S is just a bit older and this happens to us too. πŸ™‚

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kelly, I totally should have bought a pair of granny panties and put it in a box with that tag!!!

  16. I can send my kid over – oh, wait, she’s coming over for training, anyway, right? The other day she wanted to make cookies at like 8AM. I was barely awake and had the goopies in my eyes. Man, too tired. Sorry it’s been a rough one. I totally don’t even ask hubby to help, it’s all me and the kiddo. This way I don’t find things, uhm, more things, to gripe at him about. :> You rock, Mama. Merry Holidays!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Andrea, Thanks Andrea!
      One day Chunky will love to help me…or I will make him pretend that he loves helping me…

  17. Merry Christmas to you!!!! Have a great one, and enjoy lots of cookies and treats. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nicole, I feel like the grinch only it was my ass that grew three times larger yesterday

  18. Jennifer Jennifer

    This is the funniest thing I have read all damn day!

  19. I have to be on chunky’s side on the gingerbread cookie. I don’t even like ginger snaps. something must be wrong with me.

    but those sugar ones look mighty fine,.

    I hope you have a really great christmas with some time without pain.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Donna, Ack! You don’t like them either! My husband fessed up to not liking them too. I feel as though I’ve been lied to all these years…LOL!

  20. First of all, I want boobs like the gingerbread cookie. I am super jealous.
    Also, I didn’t bake this year. I’m just not to that place yet. We did construct a gingerbread village…from a kit…but that’s all I attempted. Nobody likes my cooking, anyway. But tomorrow? I’m gonna eat the hell out of some baked-by-my-extended-family-members cookies!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenn, I think that other people’s cookies and food taste better. I’m actually a pretty good cook/baker but for some reason it tastes better when other people make it. Perhaps it’s because I didn’t slave over it πŸ˜‰
      PS. My cookies came from pillsbury and there’s nothing wrong with it πŸ˜‰

  21. I LOVE THE TITLE OF THIS POST! Sorry, I got carried away with the caps lock key. But I really do love it. Love this whole post really. I would totally help you bake cookies. And eat them, too. I eat anything. Let’s have a virtual bake-down!

    Have a wonderful holiday with your adorable (but un-christmasy) boys!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @The Flying Chalupa, We totally should one day…maybe via twitter. We could also do a drink off…ooohhh a drink off while we’re baking cookies while twittering. It would be a hawt mess.

  22. OMG you are so funny! I love that “apparently I am you asshole!” Oh and the pornographic cookie! How doughy would that have been melting in your mouth. Chunkie is too young to appreciate it, but in another few years, he’ll be asking, “When are we making those cookies with the boobies mom?” It’ll be such a proud moment!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sandra, I hope so. He was more excited about the sugar cookies and helped sprinkle a few of them. I licked the one I gave Shawn though…hee hee

  23. omg this was fracking hilarious! The good news is, since you baked them, you get to eat them all yourself. All of them. No sharing. That’ll learn them!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Cheryl @ Mommypants, Actually, my husband confessed that he doesn’t like gingerbread cookies either. But my family enjoyed them. And no it wasn’t because of my baking abilities…they came from pillsbury.

  24. Awesome! Sounds like my house…One of ‘MY’ your gonna do this family traditions includes baking cookies Christmas Eve with my daughters (my oldest loves it…the youngest likes to sample and decorate). I do these things with my kids to create a sense of tradition (they like some, others not so much); I did not have much of that growing up. So, good for you! Sometimes it is more about them seeing us in action (creates feel good moments). I really enjoy your blog and writing style. I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Amy @ http://mommetime.com/

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @mommetime, Yes, that is very true. I know that as a child I would observe what my parents did to create the holidays special for us. I hope that Chunky gets that too πŸ˜‰
      I hope that you had a merry Christmas πŸ˜‰

  25. You always have the best pictures! And if I were you, I’d lick every single cookie. Twice.
    Merry Christmas!

  26. Kimberly Kimberly

    @Carri, So it turns out the my husband is also not a fan of gingerbread cookies…so I ended up giving them away to family…therefore I couldn’t lick them. See, I’m all nice and considerate that way πŸ˜‰

  27. LOL. Damn, maybe I better not have some wine tonight. Kidding! Baking cookies with children? Hard facken work. Sounds way cooler in the movies.

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