I feel like a burden
Oh what the hell she says
I just can’t win for losing
And she lays back down
Friday.
2 weeks ago it seemed like an eternity away, and there I was, finally sitting in Dr.B’s office. I was extremely anxious about the appointment. I had so much to say, but mostly, I just wanted to have a big girl cry on his outdated plaid couch that bore more pain and secrets than I could ever imagine. It was the only place that I felt safe to do so…
…a respite from the chaos at home.
As Dr.B pulled my file up on his computer, my mind raced. I didn’t even know where to start. Thinking about it now, I don’t even remember what I said. But one thing struck me hard…
“I’m sorry that we don’t have enough time.”
Really?!
It’s not like I waited 2 fucking weeks.
I waited 2 God damned weeks to hear that “we don’t have enough time”.
So I sat there on the couch as if I was in the middle of a tornado of feelings that made me really angry and numb and extremely anxious. I held onto every ounce of pain inside as best as I could hide them because I knew that I didn’t “have enough time”.
Because I knew that the woman who walked into the waiting room shortly before I was called back had problems that were far worse than mine.
And Lord knows that walking into a crowded psychiatrist’s waiting room with semi-relieved tears streaming down your face is really fucking embarrassing.
And because I was worried because my problems were insignificant.
A burden of time.
So I held onto my feelings as tight as I could…
…Â just like I do in my own home.
Man there’s so many times
I don’t know what I’m doin’
Like I don’t know nowBy the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes
Says it’s funny how the night can make you blind
I can just imagine
I cry in the bathroom.
I cry when my son is asleep.
I cry when my husband and my son are both asleep.
I feel like I can’t cry in front of them because I worry what I am doing to them.
And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be
Every day, I watch as my husband is whittled away by my problems. Every time I cry or complain or reach out, my husband tells me he hurts too.
Which only fuels the guilt I feel.
My problems put us all in this situation.
My burdens…
…their burdens.
And she says ooh I can’t take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can’t help her now
My friends, my best friends haven’t even called to ask me how I feel. If I call them, I feel like I’m wasting their time. Or I feel like I can’t divulge how I really feel.
Because I’m burdening them.
Fuck, I wished they’d just call to tell me that they haven’t given up on me.
She’s down in it
She tried her best but now she can’t win
It’s hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down, way downShe sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don’t feel right
As I sit here downing my 3rd martini, not sure if any of this makes any sense, I feel empty.
I feel alone.
I feel like a burden.
She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
Then she’ll be alright, she’ll be alright
Just not tonightAnd she says ooh, I can’t take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can’t help her now
I needed this off my chest.
*Her Diamonds-Rob Thomas
Wow! You just summed up my week. Feeling the pain too. I hate the nights and I get so upset I usually end up in the bathroom hunched over the toilet b/c I feel so sick. Hugs and love and prayers
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I wrote almost the same exact thing last night so maybe I will post for this.
And as u can see by my last post I can’t type on this iPhone. My email and blog came up all wrong but I think I fixed it for this post.
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i’m so sorry. the guilt is too much to bear. i remember that well. you are not alone! you can always reach out to your online friends – you are not a burden to us!
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The guilt? Facking sucks. But you? You will never be a burden to me. Ever. I love you, Kim, and I’m proud of you for speaking up and out about these things here, in your safe place, instead of bottling them up and keeping them in. So proud of you.
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A little off topic but I love your new blog design!
K, back on topic…
I know there are times when you just want to vent and don’t necessarily need advice. Maybe this is one of those times but I can’t help but share my feelings because I have so been there…on for a long time, then off for a while then on & off, back n forth!
Guilt and burden (one in the same) was (is) the worst side effect of being depressed! I took my husband on a very long and windy path. And when I healed…he was left with the burden.
The days I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed I felt like a waste of a body! It sucks sooooo much!
Just know you’re not alone and we’re here for you as always! Hang in there girl! You’re doing it!
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I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said “I hate me like this, so I know you do too.”
To my husband(s).
To my fiance.
To my kids.
To my friends.
It’s been a 15 year battle for me. One I’m finally learning to control, to win, to feel ok about even having in the first place.
Don’t let the ‘false guilt’ the self-imposed burdens keep you from reaching out to those that love you most. And they do…love you.
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Oh, honey. They are your feelings and you shouldn’t feel guilty or like a burden for feeling the way that you do. I just hope that things will look up for you soon.
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Virtual hugs and martinis! Don’t ever feel like a burden. So many of us know what it’s like and we are all in different stages of this shitty thing. You can always count on us to stand behind you! I hope you told your Dr that you really need to talk…. If you didn’t, call him right now!
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Oh Kim I just want to give you a big hug right now. Just remember you are never a burden and you are never alone.
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I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please remember there are a lot of us here for you, ready and willing to offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. *hugs!*
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dude. that feeling fucking blows.
there is no other way to say it.
I am always…ALWAYS here for you. really.
you will never be a burden to me.
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If I had your phone number I would call or text or instant message. I think about you every day, wondering how your pain is. I am here if you need me. Just let me know the easiest way to keep in touch.
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Ok, go now, listen to this song…b/c it’s my song to you today..and everyday.
It’s me saying to you, This is where I Listen TO YOU.
Here me say these words to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfbzkp3dVB4&feature=related
And, after you listen: explain to me why you don’t reach out when YOU KNOW that I am a safe, accepting place?
I know it’s hard to reach out when you’re depressed, I do know. But I am there, at the other end, an email, a DM, a call. I am there.
And I am safe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfbzkp3dVB4&feature=related
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[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Good Day, Reg People, ppd mom and Kimberly M, Kimberly M. Kimberly M said: Feeling like a burden #depression #mentalillness New Post http://tinyurl.com/4tj3zzt [...]
The good thing is there is no time limit here. Spill it all and people who support you and need your support will find you. I know it does not feel like it but you are stronger than you know. Big hugs.
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I’m sorry you are struggling. It is hard to feel like you are burdening loved ones with your feelings, but keeping them inside is only going to hurt you more in the long run.
It seriously stinks that your time at the doctor’s office was cut short. Your problems are hurting you, and I really wish that you had been able to find some relief at that office (that is the point, after all).
Hopefully you will be able to find some comfort soon.
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I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. Just know that you can always vent/share online. Many of us understand these feelings all too well.
xoxo
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I think it’s okay to be a burden sometimes. We all burden each other. Someday you’ll be the strong one bearing your husband’s burden.
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My heart just aches for you. It does. I am glad you have this venue to pour out your pain – know that you have a lot of support. You are not a burden. Not even.
Hugs to you..
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You are not a burden! Just wish there was more we could do.
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this felt raw and painful. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. but lovely sharing.
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This makes me so sad Kim. I, too, feel like a burden with all my “sad” days. So, now I just keep them to myself, and it’s hard, and it hurts. I know it hurts. I am a professional at the silent scream/cry in the bathroom…sigh..I wish I was in Canada girl. You aren’t a burden to me. I know that means diddly squat..but it’s true. Please hang in there. You are loved!
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{{{Hugs}}}
I’ll listen to you cry anytime. And from the looks of it, so would any of these other women who commented here. Some of them have walked in your shoes and they understand where you’ve been and where you are. Never be afraid to let one of them help you, even if it’s just to listen to you cry.
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Oh babe, this is gut wrenching, but I’m glad you found the strength to write it out and share it. Does anything relieve the feelings of sadness and heaviness? I would not know how to feel better and I suspect only you have the answer to that. I just hope as the days move along, you start to feel more control and less isolation. BLog about this more often. You probably have no idea how many lives you are touching by being so selfless with your anguish.
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Hi Kimberley-love this song. I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now. Hope you can get another appointment soon. In the mean time, keep on venting. We all have time to listen.
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Kimmy! How very awful for you that your emotions are piling on!
I want to talk on the phone just so you can unload!
I hope your Dr. gets you more time very, very soon.
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Well that totally sucks. I hope next time he has time to hear everything you need to say.
(
I love the song you posted though. In fact, I think I saw a recent interview with Rob T and he said something about this song. And the 3am song. I think the 3am song was about his wife going through difficult times with an illness. Maybe this one was about her too, or maybe his mom. Damn it, now I can’t remember.
How’s that for a ramble? sorry. lol
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I so feel you. You take all my inside thoughts and feelings and turn it into posts like these that make me want to cry and hug you!
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If I had your number, I’d have called rather than emailed you to check in. I promise I know how you feel. It is so hard. And sucks so bad. And it hurts. And it leaves a bad taste. I could go on and on.
I <3 you, girl. I’m here for you in any way you’ll allow it.
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I hear you. I have been there. I know that burden so well. That feeling that my son is going to grow up with a mom who cries.
You’re not alone. We are here for you and with you and you can reach out anytime. If you want to talk to someone who knows what that’s like and who you can’t burden because I’m just a voice on the other end, you are welcome to do that. Any time.
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oh lady… ::nodding:: you KNOW i hear you.
and… for what it’s worth, i’m here for you.
hang tough mama.
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You brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you have to struggle with such horrible feelings, on top of your physical pains. You are so amazing and I want you to know that. You have helped so many women by opening up about your experiences with PPD. Also, you are so funny and such a compassionate mom. I hope you feel better today. (((HUGS))) to you, Friend.
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This is like being in the pit of despair and you start calling people close to you to have them talk you down but nobody answers.
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