The smooth green and blue capsule rolled around in my palm. It weighed no more than a raisin yet its intangible significance weighed mightily in my hand.
60 mg.
On Friday I sat on the plaid couch across from my psychiatrist. Dr.B sunk back into his chair and kicked his legs up and onto his desk as I scrambled to collect my racing thoughts to string them into a coherent sentence.
It had been 2 weeks since my last emotional purge.
All I wanted to do was have a big girl cry but the emotions were buried under the obvious cluster fuck of problems resting on my shoulders. My employer, my denied medical benefits, my increasing back pain, the Canadian physical therapist who told me that kegels will cure me, over $12,000 US in unpaid medical bills, Shawn’s back injury, my neighbor’s passing and everything in between.
Always problems.
And I always feel guilty for whining about my problems. Not that it’s my fault that these things are happening, but because I feel like I’m preaching to a choir that has heard things far far worse than I can ever imagine. I feel foolish sometimes, yet Dr.B never minimizes the impact that these problems have on me and me alone.
It makes me feel semi better, but deep down inside I’m embarrassed for complaining.
I explained to him the overwhelming sadness that has stolen my smile, my laughter, my strength, and my motivation that all forms from deep within. It comes in crushing waves that pulls me down deeper into an oppressive tide. I feel as if I’m watching my world from beneath these waters. So far removed and no matter how hard I swim, I cannot break the surface.
It’s inescapable.
Some days it’s just easier to not swim at all.
But every day I try.
“You wouldn’t be able to handle this when I first met you”, he said. “I won’t let you get back to that place.”
And for a brief moment, I reflected about the time when I was so wrought with pain that I couldn’t even talk. I shuddered in my soul and quickly nodded back at Dr.B in hopeful agreement.
I’m am better than what I was.
We discussed options and possible solutions and trying an additional 60 mg of one of my antidepressants. The impact of this 60 more milligrams didn’t hit me until AFTER I left his office and was standing in front of my kitchen sink with the pill in my hand.
Will this 60 mg fix everything that’s going on around me?
Will 60 mg really take my pain away?
Will 60 mg really help me cope more with the problems?
Will I always need medications to help me through tough times?
I wanted to wean this year.
I foolishly thought that I was well enough.
Why am I not strong enough?
I feel weak.
I feel guilty.
I feel broken.
I feel defeated.
I feel like I’m letting my family down.
Will this 60 mg really make me well?
And I looked down at my hand where the green and blue capsule rested heavily, and placed it on my tongue then swallowed.
All 60 extra milligrams of it.
Because I want to be happy again.
I think you are actually doing the right thing by your family by taking meds. They need you to be present for them. Despite the social stigma of “mental illness,” which is really just faulty brain chemistry the way diabetes is insulin gone awry, taking meds for depression/mood disorders/what have you is nothing to be ashamed. I’ve been taking them for years and it’s wonderful to feel my moods have evened out.
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Kimberly Reply:
March 7th, 2011 at 10:11 am
@Pauline, You’re a breath of fresh air this morning. You are right. I just hate the internal struggle I feel when I have to take them you know. I know I need them. I know that they won’t change my situation. But I know that they can help my mood.
It’s a terrible cycle isn’t it?
Thank you so so much for this comment.
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Oh Kimberly I can so relate to this!
When I got ‘better’ I was so anxious to begin weaning. I went from 15mg of my little helper to 10mg, then I began my decent to 5mg. That didn’t go so well and all hell broke loose.
After some time I could no longer deny that I need to stay at the 10mg mark. I struggled with the deicision so much. I cried and felt pathetic that I could only manage life with this daily pill.
I had a discussion with my physcologist and it clicked for me. It’s different for everyone but we discussed self medication. I realized that there are ppl self medicating with street drugs, alchohol or dangerous behaviours.
If what gets me through is a regulated, prescribed pill then I guess that’s not so bad.
If we had diabetes say, and we had to take a shot of insulin everyday would we wrestle with this the same? Would we feel bad or ashamed about it…likely not! So this is the same thing! Right now our brains are too busy protecting us from the world to worry about things like seratonin etc.
I figure the least I can do for her is give her a little help!
You’re doing the right thing! Chin up! xx
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You ARE strong. You’re a better mother/wife FOR swallowing that extra 60 mg because you’re being proactive and you’re willing to give it a go. You’re doing it for them and for yourself. You’re anything but weak, Doll. Don’t worry about weaning. Go with what Dr. B said, you’re a hell of a lot better than you were. It’s always tough to see how far you’ve come because you want to be further along. We always want a scoop extra of the good stuff. I love you girl. You’re going to be okay.A break has to be on its way.
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I love you for your openness. You make me strive to be a much better person. I’m on anti-anxiety medication. My doctor upped me a year ago. I have come to the realization that I will never be off of them. She has to keep telling me that I have diabetes and with it all of the problems that can be caused, so no wonder I have anxiety.
Just remember, you do have people around you that love you. I wish I could somehow take some of your pain, even for a day or 2 to give you some rest.
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You know what? You do what you have to do. If you have to take meds to get by, so be it. Maybe one day you won’t need to but if you need to, take them. Stop beating yourself up, you are doing the right thing? Okay? Okay. Now, give yourself a hug for me.
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That damn internal struggle will get us every damn time, won’t it?
I know it is hard to accept that we “need” meds to feel normal. I know this. But we have to do it. For ourselves and every woman out there that is so terrified to start taking them. They saved my life. I shouldn’t be so hard on them, right?
I have a neighbor with Multiple Sclerosis. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I don’t know what it’s like to live with it, but she needs a motorized wheelchair to get around sometimes. Well guess what; our meds are the motorized wheelchair for us. Without them, we are unable to do the things we need to do or that need to happen. In fact, for me, I might even just end up in bed without them, as my neighbor would without her wheelchair.
(((hugs)))
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You should want to be happy again and you DESERVE to be happy again.
Don’t worry about the additional 60 mg, Kimberly!!
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Hey, we share dosage amounts! Does that little green and blue genie begin with a “C”?
I’ve been on and off meds for many years — feeling the same way you do. Why can’t I just be “normal” without them?
It’s taken me a long time to figure out I need those little pills, not to be normal, but to be me.
Don’t waste any more time beating yourself up about it. Take the pill, drink the Kool-aid and live your life.
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oh, sweet girl.
Here’s the thing – that little pill can’t fix your problems. BUT it can help you cope with them. It can’t get you out of bed in the mornings, but it can make it easier to rev yourself up for the amazing life you are living. It can’t heal you, but it can even the road for you so make your journey easier.
I’m facing a similar/not-similar-at-all position right now – I had fully planned on being weaned off all meds starting next month. This morning, I received news that my doctor would be gone for an indefinite amount of time & I would be moved to a new psychiatrist. I feel like a rug got pulled out from under my feet. I am confused & nervous & scared. After talking with my family & husband, I have decided NOT to wean off my meds until a) my doctor returns or b) I have developed a trusting relationship with my new doctor.
It’s a tough pill to swallow. But we swallow them because they help us keep living. Better living through modern chemistry, my sweet.
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I agree with the others – if taking the extra dosage makes you feel better then so be it! I can relate to wanting to wean and wondering why i “need” medication. But all those questions are ultimately futile…what’s important is getting you better, my friend!
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Don’t even think of it as an amount or an increase. It’s just an adjustment, a fine tuning to what you were already taking. People change, situations change, life changes…thus medicines change.
Swallow, breathe deeply, and smile.
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Don’t feel weak. Taking medication is not being weak. If it’s going to help you then it’s worth it.
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You do what you do to make yourself feel good. That’s it. You need to feel good to take the best care of yourself, for Chunky and for your husband.
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Great post girl. Kudos to you for getting to Dr.B’s office.. depression is a hard thing to deal with.. we have to keep our chins up and keep tugging along! you are an amazing person.
PS.. I’m a blog stalking slaker.. I JUST noticed your new banner.. super cuteness!
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You are SO brave, my friend. You are STRONG. Look at what you come here and do . . . opening your soul and your thoughts for us to learn, for us to understand, for us to feel. How brave is that???
I am thinking of you – and wish I could be there to give you a hug right now. One day, one minute at a time. Don’t worry about the year, the months, the week… focus only on this very minute. And know that there are many you help every single day … and I am blessed to be one of them. Hugs.
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I have to take a pill to sleep. Ever since Julia was born my ability to self sooth evaporated. I hate having to take that pill. Every once in a while, I try cutting it down or not taking it. I’m up all night. Then I’m angry with myself for trying to stop. The pill works, it has no ill effects. I just need to accept that I take it and I sleep and that is okay.
If it takes 60 mg forever and it makes you happy, I say take it. Be happy.
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Everyone else has said it, and they’re right. I know they’re right, and I want to tell you the same thing, but I have the same struggle myself. I talked to my doctor about weaning last week, and I don’t think it’s going to happen. She suggested I wait until April, which doesn’t seem so far away, but I don’t think I’m going to be ready then either.
I blogged about wanting to get off meds, and intending to. Now I’m not, and I haven’t managed to write this post.
Stay strong. We’re with you.
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You deserve to be happy and if that 60 mg pill helps you to get there and to be there for your family then you take it girl! You do whatever it takes!
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This is so refreshingly honest and raw. I’m proud of you (Can I say that even though we’ve only just met?!) for writing your inner workings down. And writing them so eloquently at that. Thank you for this post.
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This analogy is used on me a lot. If you had a broken leg you would use crutches without hesitiation. If you had diabetes you would use insulin. Why are meds for depression, anxiety etc, seen any differently? Why is there such a stigma?
For me I feel like a failure. It sucks that I may be on meds indefinitely. But I need to look at them as an aid.
I hope you can look at the dose increase as an aid to help you get back your happiness.
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Honey, no…the 60 mg won’t make you happy.
WHO is happy?
It’s about coping, and making it and hour by hour survival sometimes.
The extra 60 mg, may be the extra wood you need to make that bridge to get you to the other side.
Talk therapy is so difficult when you’re in crisis mode.
To be able to listen, and look at a situation, you have to be not be in full 911.
What makes me such a know it all?
I resisted the upping in my meds 15 years ago.
I thought suffering through would somehow make me not ever need meds.
Foolish me, it just kept me from being the best mom I could be with my little bitty boys.
If I could do it over, I’d swallow that pill the Dr prescribed for me.
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Hmmmm … I recognize that green and blue 60mg capsule, since that’s what I take everyday. I don’t feel weak or guilty for it. I feel like a kick-ass strong woman. So I’ll hold your hand and we’ll take our green and blue capsules together, because we have work to do and we’re not going to let depression hold us back. Love,
K
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Honey, you are far from weak. You are one of the most kick ass, strong women I know. Seriously. You take that pill as a little boost and let it help you get back where you need to be. You need you. Whatever it takes.
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Oh Kim you are such a strong and wonderful person and your not letting your family down by taking that extra 60 mg. I just want to give you a big hug.
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You are doing the right thing, and you are so brave to share this!
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Hey Kimberly!
Don’t beat yourself up if you need to take meds.
However, there is a huge correlation between depression and magnesium deficiency.
I like the book The Magnesium Miracle, by Dr. Carolyn Dean. It is easy to read.
You could, possibly, be taking magnesium instead of anti-depressants. Doctors aren’t really familiar with the benefits of magnesium, but check out this book. It’s amazing.
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Kimberly Reply:
March 11th, 2011 at 1:27 pm
@Mom Went Crazy, Wow. Thank you so SO much! I will most definitely look into that. It doesn’t hurt to try right? I’ll do anything right about now!
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ok…i am late to the party here because…well, a million reasons. anyway…the 60mg? it’s just a step to stand on for now to help you through this journey. really. if it will help you cope with the shit storm? then it’s worth it. it won’t be forever.
and if you want, you can have my celexa. wait…what? yeah, I wanted to be done with that. and I’m not.
we do what we gots to do.
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