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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

I plugged our toilet on St.Patty’s Day.

Bare with me.

Shawn: Did you give the toilet hell? You were in there long enough.

Me: No. I’m constipated and I had one of those poops that did the disappearing reappearing act.

Shawn: What?

Me: You know when you push and it pops out but then it sucks back in. Kinda like a turtle head.

Shawn: My God, you are so hot right now.

Me: This is a serious matter Shawn. All of my medications are binding me up. I sat there for like 20 minutes squirming, shaking, squeezing, holding on to the toilet bowl for leverage, and praying to Jesus that if he lets me poop I’ll give up candy for lent but all I got was one turd and some broken blood vessels in my eye. 

Shawn: I’ve never had a shit like that. Mine just comes out.

Me: Show off

Shawn: I don’t understand why you’re having so much trouble. You eat that power dump cereal in the morning that has like 6 grams of fibre per serving, and half a bottle of Benefiber. You should be a shitting machine.

Me: Nope. Days Shawn. Days. It’s been days since the horse poked it’s head out of the barn.

Shawn: Why are we talking about this again?

Me: Oh because one of my rabbit pellets plugged the toilet.

Shawn: Come on.

Me: Seriously.

Shawn: A tiny poop wouldn’t plug the toilet. Did you use a half a roll of toilet paper to wipe?

Me: No, but I flushed a tampon.

Shawn: I can’t even look you in the eye right now.

Chunky: Momma plugged the toyet! Momma plugged the toyet!

And this my friends is how you solidify your status of Queen of Over Share

You are welcome.

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32 Comments

  1. I will have to one day share the story of my first postpartum poop. It was so monstrous we had to rent a machine and snake the toilet.

  2. I have one word for you: Senna. Yeah, the capsules will eventually make you go, but it will take two days. Buy the tea. Drink a cup before you go to bed. The next day will be your friend.

    But your post? Hilarious. Talking to someone who claims theirs “just comes out” when you are constipated is grounds for… I don’t know, something awful, I’m pretty sure. 😉

  3. I applaud your restraint. I would have punched my husband for being so cocky about his bowel movements 🙂

  4. Kelly Kelly

    Bahahahaha! Next he’ll be helping you with the suppositories. Awww, gotta love being married. I mean you, not Sean =)

  5. Kelly Kelly

    And why is my icon guy always the frowny, pouty guy?

  6. The world would be a better place if everyone were as forthright about their deuces as you.

    Or maybe it would just be a heckofalot funnier.

  7. OMGoodness! You poor thing. I want to poop just reading this. Just to ensure I never can’t poop. Love the overshare!!!

  8. HAHAHA Thanks for making me spit coffee on my keyboard. I’m tweeting this shit (pun intended) like allll day today because it just made my morning.

  9. Kelly Kelly

    I really don’t think men have any clue. I don’t know many that get constipated. Mea, Mack and I have contests for who can go the longest without pooping. I’m usually the “winner.”

  10. I was laughing all the way through this post. You, my woman, crap, oops, I mean crack (omg, crap comes out of a crack), me up.

    Isn’t activia supposed to help with that?

  11. You’re hilarious! Nothing like a good dump/tampon story to make your Saturday morning.

  12. I hate the toilet tango. My personal fav is leaning on one side and shimmying then quickly switching sides and shimmying some more. Oh the pain of medication constipation!!

  13. I probably clog the can every other time I use it. I am a pooping machine.

    Cort is jealous of ME.

  14. Wait! That’s normal!! Mom’s can’t poop – I think it’s a law or something! I have this same conversation at least twice a week, if I’m lucky! 🙂

  15. OMG – what the hell is that face on my comment?? I atually do look like that, but still….

  16. Your funny stories always have me coming back. Never a dull moment on your blog. You crack me up. Seriously, I love you.

  17. Hum…. Bruna’s little comment face looks like it’s trying to poop.

  18. OMG, you are a riot! lol! As one who just ate an entire bowl of cooked cabbage — I “know” those poops. Lovely aren’t they?
    You’ve been to my place already so don’t bother, lol. Although… on my other blog (maviefolle.com) I did FINALLY post something new, ha ha ha.

  19. OMG. I’m not the only one?

    Mine are little rabbit pellets that are so hard, they clog the toilet, too. And then I have to tell hubs that it happened again.

    I never imagined I would be one to use a plunger. Because ew. But it’s happening with my little rabbit pellets and I’m over the whole “getting hubs to handle it for me” thing, so I’m doing it myself. My poop, my job. Anything else is still up for him to do. bwahaha

    And yes, I’m on my own painkillers right now so I am oversharing on a blog that isn’t even mine. . .

  20. Keep taking in the fiber and maybe things will flow. This story was hilarious.

  21. I think if I lived on the same continent as you and well, right next door…..I would absolutly have to have you over for a drink….or coffee. No, a drink.

  22. Bwahaha! Um, so, yeah I’m on double iron. And um, yeah. Benefiber? My new bff. Just saying.

  23. This is hilarious! Definitely Queen of Over Share but super funny over share. 😉

  24. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! This is so up my alley!! Queens of Over Share unite!!

  25. this is my first visit and I’m so glad I came. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard, I know it’s at your expense but I thank you. I’m definitely coming back and reading some more oh and showing this to my husband, he’d love you too.

  26. First time reader like my wife above Melinda. I came to read because she told me how funny it was and I must agree. It was good and had me cracking up. I like how your husband said he couldn’t look you in the eyes. Classic!

  27. O.M.G. You have just been elevated to Super Hero status! Somebody who writes about their BMs is totally my favourite person. On. The. Earth.
    However, as a compatriot in constipation, go to the health food store, or even I think Bulk Barn carries this, it’s a Diet tea called Slim Tea, and it’s got licorice root or something, but I swear to you, it’ll fix you right up.

  28. The sad thing is, I can relate to this. Constipation is no laughing matter. But you said “solidify.” Now that’s hilarious.

  29. OMG….I just LOVE you!!!! And I loved that you had such an open brutally honest conversation with your hubby about this. Do you know I have a friend who has been married for 25 years and she still can’t even FART in the same room as her husband?! I kid you not!!!!!!!

    Anyway, I should write about my poop hell one of these days. I was pregnant with Garrett and Landon and finally home from the hospital after another horrible bout of PTL and I had already begun to dilate just a little bit and my OB warned me to stay flat on my back in bed if she released me from the hospital, as I wasn’t due for another 10 weeks. To make matters worse, Garrett was laying really low so she goes, “if you have to make a BM, try to not push”. Okay, so how do you not push if you have to take a crap?

    So of course I got constipated because I developed this major fear of crapping and giving birth at the same time. I got stuck on the crapper one day, totally prairie dogging for like 25 minutes….too afraid to push to hard but I knew I had to get it out one way or another.

    I pulled my pants up, waddled downstairs and demanded that Tim take me to the hospital so I could crap in their bathroom. That way, if I went into labor, I’d be right there in good hands.

    We still laugh about it.

  30. Tara Tara

    hilarious… love your honesty and sense of humour! 🙂

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