***WARNING: This post contains graphic material that may be triggering to those who are currently suffering with a mental illness. If you are coming to my blog by way of a postpartum depression search, I ask that you do not read this post.
Her soul thrashed wildly in confusion as forceful waves of emotions commanded her to her knees.
She begged for release in every tear drop that fell silently into the palms of her hands.
But those tears were never enough.
They were never enough to set her soul free.
“Are you in there?” he says from outside the bathroom door startling her attention.
She screams to him but he cannot hear her. The pain acting like a strong hand over her mouth muffles her pleas for help. She’s a lost victim in her own body.
“Yes” she cracks through gasps of air.
“Just checking” he said as she heard his footsteps move away from the door.
She lifts her head and catches a glimpse of the unrecognizable tired face in the mirror. She wipes the tears away smudging mascara across her pale cheeks and stares deeply into the lifeless eyes that bore a pain that no one understands.
“Where are you?” she whispered.
She can feel her rationality banging on the defunct walls of her body telling her not to. She knows she shouldn’t, but it’s the only way she knew how to escape the fiery whirlwind of pain.
It’s the only way to feel alive.
Present.
She relinquishes her strength as the blade passes through the soft flesh of her underarm. Blood thick and rich with her pain; her unseen hurt quickens to the surface.
She drags it across again and again.
Her soul seeps from the fresh lines.
Life in her warm blood trickles down her arms, glistening on the end of the blade.
And she remembers.
She remembers her smile.
She remembers her laugh.
She remembers her eyes bright with promise.
She remembers her dreams that tickled her tongue.
She remembers her heart beating with liveliness.
She remembers her voice so beautifully strong and solid.
She remembers her soul dancing with hope while her feet planted firmly on the ground.
She remembers being free.
Free from pain.
Free.
Just free.
“Are you still in there?” he shouted from the other side of the door.
She quickly slid her sleeves over arms and turned her head towards his voice.
“Yes” she answered.
When she heard him move away from the door she turned back to the mirror and whispered,
“Where are you Kim?”
*Prompt: The colour red. I wrote in 3rd person because it made me comfortable enough to disclose my pain.
I just want to hug you tight and tell you everything will be okay. I know how hard this all is for you as I shed my tears. You are so brave and strong! Thank you for coming out and sharing your struggle. I am here for you, my friend. Much love xoxoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:05 am
@Nicole, Thank you so much for being in my corner Nicole. I just wish that you didn’t have to know this pain. We will kick it together
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You are incredible. Big fat wet kiss from me.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:04 am
@mommakiss, Love you MK and your piggies.
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Well done Kim. I just wish it weren’t based on truth. Here’s to healing!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:04 am
@Pamela Gold, Me too Pamela. Me too
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Oh Kim. You are so amazing to even write this. My bestest cousin in the world used to cut. I’ve made her promise that she has to call me and talk about her pain, no matter what time day or night. Not only have your suffered with Postpartum, but also the unbearable pain of your accident. You truly are such an inspiration to me. I know you don’t understand why, but there are thousands of people out there that would give up. But you haven’t. You are strong. You love your husband and son. Get closer to your screen. A little bit more. Ok, my arms are around you right now. Draw some strength from me………………..
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:04 am
@Donna, You have me crying Donna. You are such an amazing blog friend. Thank you so much for sticking with me for the long haul. You don’t even know how much this means to me. xoxo
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Kim, this cut me to the core. I think you did a superb job of putting these emotions to “paper.”
Hugs to you!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:03 am
@liz, Thanks Liz. I was trying to reach out to anyone who would listen.
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Oh, KIm. this is so raw. So real. so painful to read. I’m crying. I wish you didn’t know this pain. Hugs. Your strength in the face of this ugly pain is amazing.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:03 am
@The Drama Mama, Thanks Stephanie your support means the world to me.
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I love you. So much. I wish something I could type in this silly blue box could free you. I wish…
I wish for you, my friend.
People have said it to me all day, but now I am saying it to you: You are so very brave.
I feel small and scared. And I am sure you do too.
But apparently? Small and scared is what bravery feels like.
I wish for you to feel brave.
I wish for you to feel happy.
I wish for you to smile and laugh and rejoice.
I wish for you.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:02 am
@Katie, I love you Katie. I know it is hard to say anything. Just knowing you’re behind me makes all the difference.
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The book, woman.
Set aside time each day, for the book.
You will help so many.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:01 am
@Alexandra, Xoxo.
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What to say? All of my words are hollow in comparison.
Hugs to you, and, always, prayers. Beautiful job.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:01 am
@Missy @ Wonder, Friend, I know it’s hard to find any words to say for this dark post. I just appreciate the support. Thank you.
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I am a cutter. I know this pain you speak of. I’m incredibly grateful that Empress sent me over. I’m proud of you for blogging about it—I have done it, and I know what courage it takes to do so.
Sending you GIANT virtual hugs. and lots of LOVE.
@ErinMargolin
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 10:00 am
@Erin Margolin, See, this is why I hit the publish button. I was so desperately searching for someone to reach out their hand and say “I did this” and “This will all go away”…I will have to head to your site. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Did you blog about it as well?
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I hope you’re ok and getting some help.
Powerful post…very powerful.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:59 am
@Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up), Yes, I am currently seeking treatment with a wonderful psychiatrist and I have lots of family and friends who are rallying behind me.
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My God, this was so powerfully written. I am so sorry you’ve had to endure this pain and know this had to be painful to write. I agree with Alexandra.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:58 am
@Diane, Thanks Diane. This was a really tough post to write. And to admit.
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thank you for your courage in sharing I am quite a few years past post partum. I did not cut-I did damage in many other ways. At 55, am welcoming depression, once again. I believe that this time i just might be ready to face it, to bring it out into the light. I have the strength & knowledge & inner ‘stuff’ to do this.
I will, as will you.
I have to say that I find it painful that we are driven to this that we cannot forgive ourselves for not being perfect.( credit to @MrsWhich for this line)
We can forgive ourselves,we can grow in understanding, we can reach out for help, we can laugh,we can share–We are beautiful,brilliant women we are not weak-we are all individual human beings, whose real job is to just be-share kindnes,practice compassion and laugh lots. We are realy quite lovely.
I give thanks to@ErinMargolin-a writer in her own stead- for leading me to this – thru a twitter post I found it cathartic thank you & lots of love we deserve it.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:58 am
@jo miller, You are absolutely right. We are beautiful and we have worth and that’s why we need to keep fighting. Thank you so much for stopping by and supporting me. I just needed this out there and was desperately searching for a hand to reach out to me and tell me that all of this will go away.
Thank you.
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oh sweetie. if there was ever a time i wanted to reach through the screen & hug someone it is now. if there was ever a time i knew the person writing could and would fight like hell to beat this, it is now.
much love, many thoughts, many prayers
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:57 am
@Krista, Love you Krista. Thank you so much for being on my side.
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This makes me want to take you in my arms and just hold and rock you and tell you that everything is going to be alright. I want to steal away your pain so that you don’t have to feel it anymore.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:56 am
@Jennifer, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone and I deeply appreciate you commenting and giving me support. I know that this is a very dark post and it’s hard to find the words. So your support is most appreciated.
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Thank for posting this, Kim. It’s so raw and honest and I know you’ve helped other women feel not so alone.
Hugs to you, mama. xo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:55 am
@Cheryl @ Mommypants, I feel like a hypocrite…my post is way darker than yours was. I feel awful for the comment I left you (re.the baby in the tub post). I just needed this out. I just need someone to reach out a hand to me and say “I did this too” and “This will all go away”…
xo
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I felt your pain deep down inside of me.
A desperate ache to feel like yourself again.
You’re making others feel less alone by sharing your struggles Kim.
Thank you.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:54 am
@Leighann, Thanks Leighann. It was so hard to hit publish because I’m very ashamed of what I do to cope. I am just so desperate for anyone to reach a hand out to me and to tell me that all this will go away.
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This is so powerful. I totally understand your last post now, where you beat the hell out of your bathroom.
I’m amazed at your courage–telling this story must have been extremely difficult. And living with your pain even more so.
Sending positive thoughts your way. Thank you for sharing your story.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:53 am
@Mama Track, Thank you for commenting. I know that it’s hard to find words to say to something so dark and I appreciate that.
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You did a wonderful job laying out raw emotion so honestly and so vividly. The courage it must have taken to put this piece out there. It’s amazing. I hope so much you’ve rediscovered your smile.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:53 am
@Mrsbear, I’m trying to find that smile…Thank you for taking the time to comment. I know that it is hard to respond to something so dark.
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Wow, Kim.
I’m sure you’re familiar with my story. Ever since my husband’s suicide, I have said I don’t understand depression. This post… I get it. This is such a powerful post. I am so sorry that you, or anyone else has to endure this.
My daughter went through a period of cutting. Again, I didn’t understand. You have totally lifted the confusion for me. Thank you. I pray that you find a release from this awful opression you are experiencing.
*hugs*
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:52 am
@Kristin_OPC, It is so hard to describe it to people. For me, I don’t care if people really understand how we feel but I do care that people respect my illness and show compassion and support. That’s what we need most. Above all it’s love and knowing that we’re not alone.
I’m so sorry that your husband succombed to this beast. I can’t even tell you how dark it is. Depression really blocks everything out and all you can see and feel is pain.
Big hugs to you too.
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This is a very raw, powerful piece. I’m so sorry about your struggles but I hope you find your strength. Sending lots of good thoughts and hugs your way.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:49 am
@Jessica, It took a lot out of me to write this. Lots. I took this to my doctor last night because I didn’t know how to admit this to him. Thank you for the hugs. I need them. And for your support.
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massively raw, so brave. its ugly and scary and transparent as hell.. and it speaks loudly. Thank you for validating, for letting people know they aren’t alone. For speaking. I hate that this is true, hate PPD, hate the urge to self harm. hate it so deeply.. but I have so much love for you. So so much.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:49 am
@Frelle, It’s so confusing the way I feel. It’s like I have all of these trapped emotions and I’m drowning. Cutting is the only way I feel present and feel release. It scares me.
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No one should have to suffer as you are suffering! Wishing you relief from the pain.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 20th, 2011 at 9:47 am
@Karyn Climans, Thanks Karyn. I’m fighting tooth and nail. I have a special boy who needs his mommy.
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I am so sorry you have to go through this. So painful to read, I can’t imagine how painful it is to experience. Many thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.
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Not only was this raw, painful, emotional beyond words, but your writing is outstanding. I wish we could all take a little piece of your pain away to ease some of your burden. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you are one of the strongest women I’ve ever seen.
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Here I am… back again.
To tell you that it won’t always be this way.
I know this because I was you once.
Laying in a tub filled with water, bathroom door locked, thinking to myself “how long under until I stop feeling the pain.”
Not all of my days are lovely. But I don’t think everyone’s are (and if they are then a psych evaluation may be in order) but they get slowly better.
In time.
Your time.
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I have had this going through my head since yesterday.
I have no words.
I “get” it.
xoxo
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Oh, Kim, I’m so so sorry there’s been so much pain lately. I remember in the worst moments of my prenatal depression and ppd suddenly understanding exactly why people cut. I am so amazed at your courage to share, to heal. But I am so so sorry for all this pain. You don’t deserve this, you lovely mama. Holding you in all my love.
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I’m so glad you found my blog so I could find you here in this space. You were very smart to put the warning at the top of the post. Write it out write it out write it out.
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Hugs and so much hope for you.
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Oh Kim.. you have me intears of here. I held my breath through the entire post. Your strength is amazing. You are so real, so honest, so strong. Thank you for sharing your stories… I wish each day is better than the one before.
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[...] A Soul’s Quick Release [...]
You are so brave.
You are so loved.
Thank you for sharing this with us, Kim. xo
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This story is chilling! You are very brave to share this!! My hope is that you have found brighter days for yourself and are healing in ways that brin you back to yourself! {{hugs}}
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Thank you for linking this up to the blog bash so more people can try to understand, that others can find validation and feel less alone, and so everyone can see your powerful, raw writing ability. You are an amazing, beautiful soul.
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I’m not really sure how to put into words what I’m feeling after reading this but I wanted to say thank you this post. I have been on the other side of that bathroom door too, when my husband has asked for me amd I have sworn that I’m ok. I have never followed through with cutting by I totally totally get it.
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I have no words. This is such a raw and brave post. You are such an inspiration for sharing and finding the words to express this pain. You are such an amazing woman.
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Kim,
There are no words. I hate reading that you felt/feel this way.
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I understand
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Wow. What a post, Kim.
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My brave, brave friend. My heart hurts for you yet at the same time I do understand your pain. I so do. Kim, thank you for just being real and raw and honest. I hate that you went through this, but so thankful you’re here and are healing and fighting every day.
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It hurts my heart to read these words from you, but I also believe that they will help someone and hopefully help you in some way, too. I wish you didn’t have to battle this, but I know you are strong and capable of doing that battle and have an army of people to help you any way they can. xoxo
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A brave post, a brave blog! Maybe I will get inspired to write about some of my experiences being the mom of a special needs child, and getting depressed years later, and angry, and full of rage, having to face my demons, then overcoming them… over time.
I know your honesty will help others, in ways you couldn’t imagine.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 4th, 2012 at 8:10 pm
@Lisa Nolan, You definitely should. it is hard to write about the dark stuff but it’s freeing at the same time. Knowing that I’m helping someone in turn makes me that more commited to sharing my story.
Do it in your time when you are comfortable. Your voice has the power to help others. Don’t be afraid to use it
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Wow, Kim. I can’t say I know exactly what you went through or are going through as my depression is considered mild. I am glad you came through this and are keeping keeping on because your words are powerful and I’m sure can help people…oh, and you’re so damn funny! Keep taking care of yourself!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 4th, 2012 at 8:06 pm
@Jill @ Mommy Inconsistent, Thanks Jill. I was reluctant to post this because it’s content is graphic and very personal. But I just wanted people to understand the internal pain we go through and why people harm themselves. It’s not for attention, it’s to get that intense emotions out.
I’m so sorry that you suffer with depression. Mild or not it sucks. a. lot.
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oh Kim. Oh my sweet friend, please know that you are loved in every moment, in every day, by me . xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 4th, 2012 at 7:22 pm
@Kir, Thank you Kir. I debated whether or not to post this but I think I had to. It’s like I had to fess up to what I was doing and in turn educate people on it. That no, it is not for attention. It’s a coping mechanism. I just wished that I never learned how to do it. xoxo
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