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Bipolar 2: A Look At Paranoia

*This was a journal excerpt after I went through a bout of paranoia last week.

My heart immediately plummeted to the pit of my stomach when I lifted his shirt and saw the scratch.

“I dunno” he said when I questioned how he got it.

I could he not know.

It’s raw.

What if they ask how he got it?

They will blame me for sure.

Because I cut myself.

Because to them I’m “crazy”.

They think that I’m a bad Mom.

I know that they think that.

I slid off the rest of his clothes and inspected the rest of him before carefully ushering him into the shower.

“Tell Momma how you got that boo-boo” I cracked through anxious overtones.

He shrugged his shoulders and carried on filling his dump trucks with water.

He was mentally unscathed by the massive scratch on his belly.

Mentally, I was drowning in panic.

Then the dog barked.

Oh God they’re here.

They’re going to take him away.

I’m a good Mom I swear.

I pleaded to a bewildered soapy Chunky to take my hand.

He reached out to me and in slow motion I watched as he slid back.

His skin marked quickly from the sharp edges of the shower door.

I scooped him into my arms and held him tightly.

He cried.

I shushed him.

Because they would hear us.

I quickly blanket his tiny body in a towel and kissed him a million times over.

They’re going to think I’m a terrible Mom when they see these wounds.

I have to confront them.

They’re not taking my son away.

These were accidents.

I pleaded for Chunky to stay in the basement.

I have to see if they were really here.

He’s not phased that there is someone in the house trying to take him away.

I reach the stairs.

I could see that the door was still shut and locked tightly.

I get to the kitchen and see that the patio door was shut and locked tightly.

But there is something different.

I could smell them.

They’re here.

They’ve been here waiting for me to mess up.

They were wearing peppermint lotion or cologne or perfume.

I could smell them in my house.

I took off running as fast as I could to Chunky.

I haphazardly threw on his clothes.

I checked the time.

Shawn would be home soon.

He’d save us.

A block of time escapes me…

We were now in Dr. B’s office. He sat in front of us leaned relaxed in his swivel chair.

 I was shaking.

I couldn’t remember how we even got there.

Anxiety drowned out their voices.

“Hospital” Dr. B says.

Fuck no.

They’re both in on this together.

“Who is going to keep our son safe? Who? Why aren’t you both listening to me? I’m a good Mom God damn it. I’m a good Mom. Please don’t take my son away”

I am a good Mom.

They‘re plotting this whole thing.

Discussions carried on between the both of them.

Bipolar 2, Dr. B explained.

Then I remember Dr. B giving me medications.

“This will calm you down in no time” he says.

Soon my breath slows.

My heart slows.

My eyes got too heavy to keep open.

I see my son again.

I squeeze him with all that I had left in me.

I write in my journal.

Then I sleep.

*We’re working on medication changes. I no longer have that intense paranoia that someone is going to take Chunky. I’m very confident in Dr. B. My husband and him are working together for me. Thank you all for your well wishes. You all amaze me.

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52 comments to Bipolar 2: A Look At Paranoia

  • Good that your doctor and your husband are looking out for you and your meds appear to be working well.

    Big hugs from Nebraska. :)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nancy, Thanks Nancy. I am so very lucky for my support system and you all here on the internets.
    Hugs back at-cha

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  • I can’t even imagine how this must feel. My father had these issues when I was growing up, and never had the patience or wherewithal to go through the work to find the “right” medications for him. It took nearly 15 years before he finally got fed up enough to get help. You are going to get this regulated, I’m sure of it. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jen Has A Pen, I’m fairly certain that my dad has some sort of mental illness that was untreated. I have to break that cycle for my son.

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  • Wow, I’m so sorry about these feelings and it’s good to hear that your doctor and husband are working together on this – very important. Hugs to you!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Elena, I’m so very VERY lucky for that.

    [Reply]

  • <3

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @jess, Right back attcha momma.

    [Reply]

  • just keep fighting, babe. let them take care of you, know that a ton of people love you and are thinking about you, and don’t ever give up.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Krista, You are awesome Krista. Thank you.

    [Reply]

  • Awwww, sweetie. Listen to me. I completely and totally relate! I am meeting with my doc for med changes this week. Turns out I’m not doing so well. Bipolar II has got another hold on me. But not for long. You’ll sort it out and so will I.

    (((hugs)))

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @molly, Thank you so SO much Molly. I’m going to email you soon to chat. I’m pretty terrified of the diagnosis but at the same time I’m relieved to know what it is that is causing my rapid mood changes and why my PPD was never fully treated.
    Hugs.

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  • you are a warrior.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @nic @mybottlesup, So are you my dear. Don’t forget that.

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  • This sounds like a horrible ordeal to go through. Thankfully it sounds like you have a great support system in your corner. I wish you luck, and peace of mind. Take care of yourself.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @JoAnn, To say that it was terrifying would be an understatement but I promised myself that I would divuldge what I could/can in order to help people understand mental illness.
    I’m fighting tooth and nail ;)
    PS. Chuck Norris is in my corner.

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  • We are all here for you.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jessica, That means the world to me Jessica. Thank you. Xoxo

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  • i love you.

    that is all.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Katie, Love you back. Boom

    [Reply]

  • Amy

    You are one of the strongest women I “know.” Keep fighting!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Amy, Thank you so much Amy.

    [Reply]

  • I am so sorry to hear the hell that you’re going through! Thank goodness you are receiving good support and your husband is fighting for you!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Karyn Climans, Yes, I am so SO lucky for my husband and the smiling face that greets me in the morning.

    [Reply]

  • You. Amaze. Me. I know that seems odd to you, but I read about your struggles through this, and am in awe of your inner strength. Because I don’t know if I could be as strong as you. Like Nic said up there – you are a warrior!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Ally, Ally, thank you so much. I know it’s hard to respond to a post like this. Knowing I have you in my corner means the world to me. Thank you.

    [Reply]

  • You are so strong. I’m glad that you were able to get help when you needed it. xo

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Shell, Thanks Shell. I know that I’m a lot stronger because of my boys. I have to do it for them

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  • Huge hugs coming your way!! You are such a fighter and I know that you will be the winner in this battle.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @zenalicious mom, Imma trying as hard as I can.

    [Reply]

  • Wow. I could feel your anxiety as I read. I can’t imagine having to struggle like that. As others have said, you are so strong. I admire you.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Crystal, Thank you Crystal. I’m trying so hard to be better for my family.

    [Reply]

  • If I could crawl through this tiny little phone…it will never happen cause well -I would and give you a great big hug!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @MOMmetime, I felt that cyber hug. I needed it.

    [Reply]

  • THank God for you. Thank God you are speaking out and letting others know what it’s like to be fighting this battle. Its important to educate and take the stigma away. Although scary and confusing these feelings are very very real. I’m so proud of you, not only for being determined and fighting for help but also for letting people hear what you’ve gone through.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Leighann, I was terrified to post this because of the stigma and what other people would think. But then I said a giant “Fuck it” and hit publish. Thank you for understanding and being there. Means the world

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  • You’re brave to share this. So very brave. And you know what? You beat it. You did. You’ll find your middle ground. And in the meantime? I’m wrapping you with all my love and protection.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Pamela Gold, Thank you so much Pamela.

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  • liz

    I’m so impressed that you are able to write about this, Kimberly. You are truly an amazing woman!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @liz, The Empress made me do it. I think that I need to write to help people. It also helps me ;)

    [Reply]

  • Oh girl. I’m sorry. Glad to hear things are getting better with the new meds & you have great support. Thinking of you…

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @stephanie, It sucks because I’ve wasted so much of my time with the wrong diagnosis but at least I’m moving forward now and that is a beautiful thing.

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  • Sometimes it takes many,many trials to get the right mix of meds. You have wonderful people working to make this happen, and we all are here to support you and hold you up as well! ((Hugs))

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @blueviolet, Thank you hon. I know that it will take a lot of figuring out but I have lots of support. Thank you so much for being there.

    [Reply]

  • You are a strong, brave woman. I’m glad that your doctor and husband are working together for you. We’re all here for you. Sending hugs to you!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kimberly, I am so grateful for my husband. I swear if I didn’t have him I’d be locked up somewhere. Thank you for being there for me. Means the world

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  • You amaze me. For real. You also give me hope. Lots of hope, actually. *hugs*

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kristin_OPC, You are awesome Kristin. You just made me smile ear to ear. Thank you.

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  • KIm, you are so very brave. I’m getting caught up on your blog, and I’m just bawling. I hate that you have to suffer from this. This is what I fear for my kid, with her mood disorder. It’s not named right now, but I have a sneaky suspicion it’s bipolar. She is medicated right now, so these bouts with delusions and paranoia are kept at bay. Bless your heart, my friend. My heart aches for you. Please know that it will get better. Life isn’t easy, and it sucks to need that kind of help, but the rewards outweigh the suckage aspect. I promise. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. Sharing the bad with the good. Sharing your journey. I love you, lady.

    [Reply]

  • Sorry, late – catching up on blog reading after our trip.

    You’re amazing. Your strength in getting through this and your beautiful ability to share what it’s like to others can understand is powerfully awesome. Hugs and love, always.

    [Reply]

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