Confession: I used to think that people who committed suicide were selfish.
There was a nameless young man that came into the ER once. He was about 16 or 17 years old. I remember his mom standing at the foot of his bed as we worked on him tirelessly. She said that he was the star of his basketball team and was an honour roll student. He had friends. Lots of friends and family who loved him dearly. He had his entire life ahead of him. Tears streamed down her face as she stroked his feet and said:
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you.”
And I got mad.
I was mad at him.
How could he do this?
How could this young man with everything going for him take his own life?
How could he leave all the people who loved and cared for him?
The family came in shortly after we stopped working. I heard things like “Why?” and “I had no idea” and “He said he was depressed. I just didn’t know it was this bad” and “Why didn’t he reach out?” and “He had so much going for him” and so on and so on while his mom stayed vigil at his bedside.
When the commotion cleared, it was just him, his Mom and me left in the room.
She looked at me and said:
“His soul is finally at peace now. You don’t know the pain that this boy has suffered.”
And I didn’t know.
That was until I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and recently bipolar 2 disorder.
Depression is a demon.
It warps and twists your reality.
And you believe it.
It traps your soul in a maze of wrong turns.
And you claw and fight with every thing you’ve got to find the way out.
But you never find it.
You get deeper and deeper.
And you soon forget your worth.
You forget that you are loved.
You forget that you are important in this world.
Because this illness?
It blinds you.
And you lose hope.
And you get weak.
Till you can’t fight any more.
Till the unthinkable becomes so peaceful.
I was in that young man’s shoes this spring when I had lined up every pill bottle in my possession on the counter.
I wasn’t being selfish.
I was looking for the end of the maze.
Please, please, please…can you help spread the word. Band Back Together is sending out rounds of tweets that I’m asking you to help retweet when you see them…
I’m talking to YOU. #youarebeautiful #youareloved #youareNOTalone #StopSuicide please RT
You can play an integral role in helping save a person’s life. I’m so thankful that someone then an entire army of people had reached up to help me. So very thankful.
If you are suffering right now, please hear me when I say this…
You are loved. You are worth it. There is help. There is hope. Please don’t give up. Reach out. There are so many hands that are willing and ready to help you right this very minute.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please ask for help. Seek medical attention immediately. Call the suicide prevention lifeline at (800) 273-TALK