Confession: I used to think that people who committed suicide were selfish.
There was a nameless young man that came into the ER once.  He was about 16 or 17 years old. I remember his mom standing at the foot of his bed as we worked on him tirelessly. She said that he was the star of his basketball team and was an honour roll student. He had friends. Lots of friends and family who loved him dearly. He had his entire life ahead of him. Tears streamed down her face as she stroked his feet and said:
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you.”
And I got mad.
I was mad at him.
How could he do this?
How could this young man with everything going for him take his own life?
How could he leave all the people who loved and cared for him?
Selfish.
Simply selfish.
The family came in shortly after we stopped working. I heard things like “Why?” and “I had no idea” and “He said he was depressed. I just didn’t know it was this bad” and “Why didn’t he reach out?” and “He had so much going for him” and so on and so on while his mom stayed vigil at his bedside.
When the commotion cleared, it was just him, his Mom and me left in the room.
She looked at me and said:
“His soul is finally at peace now. You don’t know the pain that this boy has suffered.”
And I didn’t know.
That was until I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and recently bipolar 2 disorder.
Depression is a demon.
It warps and twists your reality.Â
And you believe it.
It traps your soul in a maze of wrong turns.
And you claw and fight with every thing you’ve got to find the way out.
But you never find it.
You get deeper and deeper.
And you soon forget your worth.
You forget that you are loved.
You forget that you are important in this world.
Because this illness?
It blinds you.
And you lose hope.
And you get weak.
So weak.
Till you can’t fight any more.
Till the unthinkable becomes so peaceful.
I was in that young man’s shoes this spring when I had lined up every pill bottle in my possession on the counter.
I wasn’t being selfish.
I was looking for the end of the maze.
This week is National Suicide Prevention Week which leads up to World Suicide Prevention Day on September 10th.
Please, please, please…can you help spread the word. Band Back Together is sending out rounds of tweets that I’m asking you to help retweet when you see them…
I’m talking to YOU. #youarebeautiful #youareloved #youareNOTalone #StopSuicide please RT
You can play an integral role in helping save a person’s life. I’m so thankful that someone then an entire army of people had reached up to help me. So very thankful.
If you are suffering right now, please hear me when I say this…
You are loved. You are worth it. There is help. There is hope. Please don’t give up. Reach out. There are so many hands that are willing and ready to help you right this very minute.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please ask for help. Seek medical attention immediately. Call the suicide prevention lifeline at (800) 273-TALK
 
Thank you for writing this and sharing some of your own demons. I’ve also fought depression and bipolar type 2. It’s a tough road.
I’m proud of you for continuing down another path and helping people that might not realize they need their own change of path.
With love,
Corinne
http://seedsofcoriander.blogspot.com
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
September 5th, 2011 at 1:31 pm
@Corinne, Thank you so much Corinne for supporting this. I think a lot of people don’t really understand the intense pain that we experience which is why it is so important that we all keep talking about it.
Love to you too.
[Reply]
Thank you for this. A taboo subject for many. An extremely emotional one for me. As someone who has attempted suicide twice and failed twice, I know all too well the feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.
I struggle with suicidal thoughts during my depressive episodes. Squashing them is more difficult than anyone can imagine. It’s not me though. It’s my brain.
I wish there were more people who understood that.
It’s a taboo subject. But it shouldn’t be. If more people talked about it more lives would be saved.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
September 5th, 2011 at 1:29 pm
@molly, You’re right that it doesn’t have to be. I had that mind frame when I wasn’t diagnosed because I didn’t understand. Even as a nurse, we still aren’t fully educated on mental illnesses. This is why we must MUST keep talking about them and to continue to educate people about it.
I have to remind myself too that it is not me. It’s my illness weaving it’s way through my brain. Know that I’m always here for you ALWAYS when those thoughts become louder and harder to fight.
Hugs friend
[Reply]
I will do everything possible to help spread your message of hope – starting with sharing this blog post on twitter & facebook.
Your friend,
Karyn
[Reply]
Great post Kimberly. Ive shared, tweeted and G+’d for you.
[Reply]
I used to feel the same way you did, that it was selfish. Now I realize so many people are hurting and so many people are not listening. I don’t want to be one of those who misses out on helping someone. I want to be there for you mamas.
[Reply]
Kimberly, what a powerful and honest and haunting post. I’m so glad you shared these stories with us and mostly that you were able to find a better, different way out of your maze. You ARE worth it.
I will always remember the post you wrote where you beat the hell out of your bathroom. This one will stay with me too.
[Reply]
Thank you for sharing this with the world. I’ve been working through dysthymia (chronic depression) since I was about 12 and my sister is currently dealing with PPD. I’ve kept myself involved with the AFSP and support TWLOHA as I can. Sharing our stories is one of the most powerful things we can do because a story of surviving through it all lets others know there is hope.
[Reply]
The more I learn about you, the prouder I am to be getting to know you. Kimberly, you are amazing. This is an important post. A vital message. Depression takes on many forms and knows no limits. Having been there, but thankfully not to the degree listed above, I felt the self-loathing and the dreaded dark places that depression took me. Yes, we all should take on the important task of getting the word out. I will be looking for those tweets……to retweet. Thanks so much for sharing this information.
[Reply]
Yes.
[Reply]
Thank you for speaking out. Thank you for sharing from both perspectives. Thank you for being transparent.
YOU are beautiful. YOU are loved. and YOU are not alone.
<3
[Reply]
This post was beautiful and so very needed. I don’t think people full realize how any kind of mental illness can swallow you up in mere seconds with it’s intensity. That’s the hard part to fight-the overwhelming intensity. Depression sucks. Being bipolar sucks. Believing what the illness tells you (the lies) hurt. I myself battled wanting to end it this summer. I like how you put it: “trying to find the end of the maze”-that’s it exactly. That’s what I told the dr at the hospital back in July-”I just want, NEED RELIEF.”
I needed to read these words this morning, to remind myself again….thank you for this post and for again sharing part of your experience. Thank you for reaching out & encouraging us. You are incredibly strong & beautiful. Love you bunches!
[Reply]
Until I read this post, I had that exact same sentiment. I can see now why people are led to that point, but it breaks my heart that there could be that much pain in someone’s life as to bring them to the precipice.
[Reply]
This really moved me. As a person with PTSD with dissociation and Bipolar II and a 14 year old who has Bipolar also, I understand every nuance of this post. Thank you for your bravery and being kind enough to share this with us. I will be posting this and tweeting it up.
[Reply]
Nice work Kimberly! Sometimes I get filled with rage when I read information like this and recall idiots who think mental illness is not a real thing. I’ve dealt with them and fought with them.
How can one deny that a disease is taking one’s life whether it be cancer, diabetes or depression?! I’m happy to help spread the word and promote change.
[Reply]
Astonishing and courageous, what you wrote about depression and suicide. THANK YOU for helping people understand.
I hope you see what good is coming out of your experience with illness, in your helping people to understand it – it is such a difficult thing to bear, but you are not bearing it for nothing – so much good will come out of it -
[Reply]
Such a horrible illness – I’m glad you’re working hard to remove the stigma!
[Reply]
Fourth time’s a charm?
This is a very important post, and you have written about it so well, so beautifully. Good job, Kimberly!!
[Reply]
I think I will revamp my memoir on this topic. it doesn’t talk about where the pain is from, only what happens. it doesn’t really matter who, what, why the pain was caused, only that its there, and you don’t see any other way out. Even when you try to fool yourself and convince yourself no, no, I was never that low, the honest truth is: YES, I was. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am worth it. And so are you, and you, and you.
[Reply]
This is awesome. There is such a stigma… people still think it’s all for attention. You don’t know the half of that shit until you’ve faced it.
[Reply]
–kimberly,
I will never forget when my son’s 17 year old friend hanged himself. The first thing his mom said when I saw her was, “The devil finally took him.” Of course, his devil was depression.
Nobody EVER has a right to judge unless they have experienced this dark place, this unbearable hole.
Thanks for bringing awareness to so many issues. xxxxx
[Reply]
Kim, thank you for sharing this. It gave me chills. I used to think that it was selfish until I learned more about it. I learned of the depression behind it. I now feel completely differently about it. I would love to be the hand that reaches out and helps someone else. xo
[Reply]
Thank you for this Kimberly.
[Reply]
Now I feel like an asshole after reading your post. Did you at least get my comment?
[Reply]
This is a good cause to be a part of and it is so important. I’ve never had depression but many I know have been affected by it and I don’t want to see anyone take their life because of it.
[Reply]
Mental illness – especially depression – is such a frightening, dark hole. I’m so glad you climbed out and are in a better place.
What a sad story about that boy.
[Reply]
This is such as important message!
Many people really believe it’s a cowards way out.
Suicide is not something people want to do… it’s when there’s no other option.
There’s no more hope left.
[Reply]
Test
[Reply]
Surrounding us from all sides of late.
Making people aware, letting them know that they need to take care.
Be vigilant, be present, be the help, be the difference …
[Reply]
Coming from you, this message is POWER.
You are loved, Kimberly. We love you and are with you every step of the way. So proud of you for sharing this message so others who don’t understand might start to.
xo
[Reply]
YOU are an incredible, beautiful person. I’m so thankful you are continuing on your journey. Thank you for this post.
[Reply]
Late to the post her, but not late to fully understand what you’re talking about. Depression is an awful disease, and some truly know no other way out – it is our job, as friends and family, coworkers, neighbors – to let the person know they are important. They are loved. They are worth it.
e
[Reply]