Dear Chunky,
One day you will come across my blog and that worries me. It’s not because I sometimes use big girl swear words (and no, just because Mommy says them doesn’t mean it’s ok for you to say them)Â but because I worry that you’ll think that you were the reason I became sick.
That is not true.
You may read things that are very heartbreaking and begin to wonder if there were any happy times in our lives when you came along.
I assure you that there were and still are plenty of those times.
There were so many moments of pure joy, like so many that I would have to spend all day and all night chronicling them. Like so many that people’s heads would explode reading all of those joyful memories we’ve had. Yes, we are that awesome together.
Chunky, 99% of my happiness comes from moments shared with you…
…sometimes your Dad…
Kidding.
And your Dad.
Those moments are very magical to me.
One of those magical memories was when you were just 10 months old. We went up north to Gram and Pip’s cottage. On the way there, we visited a small vacant park filled with whimsical cement characters and a teeter totter. I couldn’t resist it.
We bounced up and down, up and down and I never laughed harder. Your laughs came right from that sweet spot in your belly. I remember you kicking your arms and legs happily while I held you tightly. I could feel your heart beating fast with excitement.
It was an awesome moment.
Daddy took pictures for some reason.
He said that these pictures are his favourite of us.
“It was the first time in 8 months after you were diagnosed with postpartum depression that you smiled” he said. “This was the first time I saw you smile from your soul. This was the first time I saw my wife and best friend shine through all the facades the illness created. This was the first time that I felt confident that you were going to survive and that we were going to make it.”
That’s why this picture sits on the header of this blog. It reminds me of 2 things:
1. Our survival
2. The reason why I fight every single day…it’s because of you.
Yes, these last 3 years have been difficult, but we are making the best we can out of it.
I think we’re doing pretty good.
I love you so much and thank you for bringing so many magical happy moments to my life.
Xoxox
Momma.
Oh wait…you want to know what the other 1% is don’t you…
Mmmmm alcohol
Well when you’re older, you will understand this.
Linking up with…
OMG I found the comment link…honest to God, I couldnt find it for like the past 90 times I’ve come.
This post made me choke up. I think your husbands monologue is what tipped it over the edge for me.
Congratulations on having so much love in your life
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Your son will know that you fought this illness for him! He is the light of your life and he will realize that …
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This is SO beautiful, Kimberly. What your husband said to you the day the photos were taken is so exquisite, too.
Because the Kimberly that shows up in the photos is the REAL YOU, not your illness. That Real You is still there, with a vengeance! And she will survive – more than survive – she will THRIVE!
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Those are beautiful photos, but I love that one of you with your fist in the air as if to say, Yes, I’m a fierce warrior girl and I’m going to kick depression’s ass!
Such a beautiful post. Your husband’s words–oh my.
You know, God gave you that wonderful husband and that sweet little man for a reason. To show you the light when the darkness is all around.
You are that fierce warrior girl. Keep on fighting, baby. Keep on writing. I am so proud of you.
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This is better than any scrapbook/baby book you could ever make for your son. Wow! Great photos & a letter that gave me chills!!
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Gah, there you go again…making me cry. Beautiful. I hope these photos are framed somewhere in your house.
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I love your “pictures of hope” and I raise my virtual glass (with alcohol of course!)to you and your two great guys!
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I love that no matter what, you’re so “YOU” in everything you do, even when writing a love note to Chunky. I have the same worries my dear, but we have YEARS for little eyes to read. Enjoy him, not the past. Enjoy your precious present!
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You are the most photogenic person in the blogosphere. I hope you win the camera. (of course I loved the post too).
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Beautiful photo’s Kimberly.
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those pictures make me want to giggle..from the deep part of my belly. You are so beautiful and that little boy on your lap, so glad he gives you 1000′s of reasons to smile. You gorgeous girl…keep using that smile and the words, such heart in both!
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So Wonderful
I read this earlier on my email and just smiled and cried.
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OH my Gad I love that belly laugh. I work so hard to get it and when I do I melt!
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I’m so happy you have that your husband took pictures of you and Chunky when you were smiling from your soul. It is a great reminder and a wonderful memory for you to look back on.
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Oh Kim. I love those pictures. I keep thinking about how I don’t have enough pictures with my kids. I’m so glad you have these snapshots and not just the memories. because sometimes the memories can be hard to find.
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You’re so hilarious! The other 1%. xoxo
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What a wonderful post and letter to your son. Those pictures of you on the teeter-totter are the best! I hope you can grab a little of that joyful feeling when you look at them, even when it’s hard to feel it. Seeing those pictures made me grin.
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Oh, I love those pics- you can see how happy you were then.
Our blogs are just small snapshots of our lives- and I sometimes think I tend to write more about the bad than about the good- even though the good exists.
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This seriously brought tears to my eyes. I love seeing you happy. I know your little boy sees love when he sees you.
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This was so touching and beautiful! Your Chunky is blessed to have you.
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Those pictures are FANTASTIC! I love the smile on your face. I swear you can hear the laughing through the computer! Love them!
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I love the description of Chunky’s laugh. There is no better medicine than the deep belly laugh of a baby.
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—Beautiful Post. Great photos.
)
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Wine is my BFF, I think I’ll go great her now after her hard day at the office.
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omg, seeing both of you laughing from your souls was awesome.
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Hey!!!! I just noticed you have ice in your wine! That makes as new BESTIES!!!!!!
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Beautiful post and amazing pictures. Chunky will one day realize that he has the strongest mommy ever because she faught ever fight for him!
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Oh Kim, I love those pictures. You can see your happiness radiating through them. But this post? Completely beautiful. You brought tears to my eyes.
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Such joy in the photos, and your husband’s words – lump in my throat, yo.
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One thing is for sure..He will know how much you love him, it’s obvious!
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Beautiful post! Your passion, your husbands dedication, the most adorable pics ever. I’m in love with your family. And you.
Keep sharing these moments. We delight in them!
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those really ARE some great pictures!
concerning the blog, i sometimes have those same fears.. my son is 8 now and KNOWS that i write on the internet. im not sure how im gonna feel when he’s old enough to read what i’ve written there…
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Kimberly Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 1:44 pm
@slyde, It’s scary isn’t it?!
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How freakin’ great are you? Really freakin’ great, that’s the gawddamn truth.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
@MommaKiss, I love you MK
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So, so happy those comeback days were captured on film!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 1:38 pm
@blueviolet, I know…what are the odds of that happening?!
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You are too freaking cute.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 1:37 pm
@Carri, I know…hee hee
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That’s a great letter to your son. And your absolutely right, there is something very magical in the smiles of you and Chunky on the teeter totter.
He he, I’m still laughing about your last pic.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 18th, 2011 at 1:37 pm
@Mommy’s Paradise, I can’t lie…me and booze go way back.
Hee hee
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Love that you posted those pictures for this link-up.
He is blessed to have a mama who has such spirit, who fights so hard, and who loves so deeply. That’s what he’ll see.
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Oh such great pictures! I understand what you mean- it can be hard imagining our children coming across our blogs. Sometimes, without context, it can be hard to fully understand someone’s words- especially if it is your child. But ideally, they’ll get that someday. xoxo
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You are such a trooper. I was sad for five months because I didn’t pass a stupid course, I could barely snap out of it. I can’t even begin to imagine the hold this illness has had on you. You are the bravest person AND you write about it, which can’t be easy, and yet you share with so many. I love these posts although I’ll admit, I find them gut wrenching.
I did however, spot a post with the word “mullet” in the title, so I’m going there
PS: I’m glad I have you as my nurse bloggy friend. I always know I can count on you understanding how shitty my faculty is. Thanks!
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this was just beautiful. I agree with what Robin said, I know what he will see, too.
You’ve touched a lot of people with this post, and so many others.
Love you, girl. <3
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What a beautiful posting. I couldn’t help but get weepy.
I believe your son will see a strong mama who overcame and inspired and who loves her son madly and deeply enough to take a moment to write a heartfelt letter to him. He’ll see and he’ll understand.
*Hugs*
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I remember when I first smiled with PPD:
It was because of a nurse.
God, I love nurses.
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So beautiful. Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your smile. And your heart.
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