Disclaimer: I love my Mother In Law. I really do. She does not know that I blog. In the event that she finds my neck of the woods in this little space of the Internet, pray for me.
My husband is a half-breed.
American and Canadian.
My Mother In Law is American. A very very proud American whose home is decked out in American paraphernalia just so us Canadians are reminded that she is indeed an American. She even sports sweaters with puffy plastic appliques of the American flag.
She also has an American mullet.
Oh shush…name a Canadian with a mullet.
Ok, we have mullets too. We like to call them hockey haircuts so it’s kind of acceptable.Â
Anyways, my Mother In Law remains true to her American roots which means she carries on the tradition of hosting an American Thanksgiving dinner.
I know you’re thinking “You lucky son of a bitch. Two Thanksgivings in one year.”
Don’t go and get all jealous of us.
You see, my Mother In Law, God Bless her yankee soul, cannot for the life of her cook a turkey.
It’s true.
The prized star of the show, is cooked so fiercely that it is practically mummified.
Yes, it is so dry that it could take center stage at the Smithsonian with King Tut.
There isn’t enough gravy in the entire world that could salvage the taste of gnawing on turkey leather.
And at the end of the evening when we are clearing the food off the table, my Mother In Law always quizzically asks out loud, “Why is there so much turkey leftover?”
It’s one of those awkward moments where everyone in the vicinity of her suddenly comes down with Helen Keller-itis.
No one has the heart to tell her that we could sand an entire wooden dinning room set with a slice of her turkey.
Did I mention that I love my Mother In Law? Â
So she can’t cook a turkey.
But she really shines in her baking. Like her pumpkin cheesecake?
I’d stab a puppy for it.
I’m not lying either.
Thankfully, my gallbladder is still being an asshole and I can only eat about a cup of food at a time. So I have an excuse to not eat the turkey.
Shawn and Chunky are taking one for the team this year.
Suckers.
But turkey isn’t what Thanksgiving is all about.
It’s about being thankful for family and other sappy junk like health…choke…gag…pft…stupid body of mine…and Mother In Laws who try their hardest to carry on American traditions.
Anyways, I hope that all of my American friends have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving.
Enjoy your juicy turkeys.
 
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:49 am
@imperfectmomma, Thanks! I’m still waiting for the stupid results.
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Ah, bless your mother-in-law with her mullet and her Griswold-like turkey!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:49 am
@Jenn@Fox in the City, Ha! Best movie ever!!
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“juicy turkeys” sounds dirty.
also? I totally will enjoy it.
and I am thankful for YOU, so don’t forget it.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:49 am
@Katie, Where is your mind?
Love you and thankful for you too!
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Great laugh!
I wish my mother in law would attempt to cook at anytime in our life…instead she’s devoted to Cracker Barrel if we wish to join her because she doesn’t cook. Not my kind of Turkey Day but to each their own.
Have a great holiday!!
(stopping by from Shell’s PYHO)
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:48 am
@Julie, Is cracker barrel like a retirement home? Kidding.
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So if I tell you that I *can* cook a turkey AND I make a mean pumpkin cheesecake, does that make me one of your most favorite non-Canucks?
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:45 am
@liz, I think I love you. Will you mail me a cheesecake?
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My Hubby does the cooking. He makes really good turkey, you can join us! I’ll make room at the table for you!!!
PS- I’m thankful for you! and Chunky too!!! He is my person artist after all!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:43 am
@Mimzy Wimzy, Ha! Those pictures are still drying. He dumped loads of paint on each picture. They’re a mish mosh of colour.
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Kimberly, you are so mean. Mullets are where it’s AT. There is no hairstyle that goes so well with a shirt fashioned out of an American flag and high waisted jeans. Name one hairstyle that goes better with such clothing. You can’t. There is none. Celebrate the mullet.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:43 am
@Nicole Boyhouse, Viva la fem-let.
I think she wore a sweater with a turkey on it or some other “game” bird on it. It was quite fitting.
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Your MIL sounds like my grandma. Her cooking is downright scary, but good lord can the woman bake!
Mullets are scary, no matter who they’re on. lol Happy (2nd) Thanksgiving!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:36 am
@Jenn [ Crippled Girl ], I know…I should have just went right to the dessert table. Gnawing on her turkey made my jaw sore.
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I’ve never attempted to cook a turkey myself because I have the feeling it would turn out just like that.
And I can’t even see the word “mullet” without cracking up.
Hope your gallbladder will at least let you eat some of that pumpkin cheesecake!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:35 am
@Diane, I choked through dry turkey so that I could eat the cheesecake and she didn’t even make it.
Boo.
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I’m still laughing at the Helen Keller-itis term! Genius. Funny post! Enjoy your weekend … and the mashed potatoes.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:34 am
@stephanie, Yea the sides took center stage.
I hope that you had a lovely thanksgiving
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That sounds like my daughters mother-in-law. Thank goodness, they say mine is the best they have ever tasted. I do wonder how on the tv so many turkeys come out of the oven all in the same look they went in except brown.
Mine is falling to pieces.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:29 am
@Dazee, Hey falling to pieces means it’s delish. I’d eat it no matter what it looked like…as long as it tasted good.
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Oh Gawd,
You crack me up!
By the way, I don’t know what a mullet is and google translate says it is some kind of fish. I’m pretty sure that ain’t right..
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i would so love to see a picture of your MIL’s mullet. Can you sneak one from behind for us?
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:28 am
@grace, I do have a shot…it’s glorious.
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Dessert is the most important part of the meal anyway.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:27 am
@Alison@Mama Wants This, Amen to that! She did bake a mean pumpkin pie.
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OMG my kids (who are most likely older than you) love to kid me about my mullet. I had one in my 30s. It was back when I “came out” and all the other gay chicks were sporting mullets. I’m so very glad we all decided to change styles. What? It only took a decade or so. LOL Anyhow, I am now mullet…less, AND I make a very juicy turkey. So hopefully my DIL2B isn’t talking or blogging about me.
Yea right.
Happy Thanksgiving lovely lady. Hope you feel better soon!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:27 am
@Theresa Sonoda, Yea, I’m sure that this will come to bite me in the ass one day. I do love my mother in law. For real. The woman just can’t cook a bird.
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Billy Ray Cyrus!
Oh wait. He’s not Canadian.
Shit.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:26 am
@Carri, No. You can keep him.
However, we did produce the Bieber and his hair…
you are welcome
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Hockey haircuts.
I love how you Canucks can eke out of mulletdom on a technicality like that.
Whatever.
Happy Thanksgiving anyway.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:25 am
@Sue – The Desperate Housemommy, Well it’s not hockey unless you have chunky locks flowing out of the helmet…right?
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Hi I’m back! I now know what a mullet is…hahaha! You should go to google pictures and type in mullet. Billy Ray Cyrus comes up, but also Chuck!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:25 am
@Mirjam, Oh. No. Not chuck. It’s ok. He can do what ever he wants because he’s chuck
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I can’t make a turkey to save my life either. Or even a piece of chicken for that matter. I feel her pain!!
Happy Thanksgiving in any case…I hope it’s more tolerable than previous years!!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:24 am
@Ameena, No. it wasn’t. She even complained that it was dry….we ran through gravy like it was nobody’s business.
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An american female mullet is called a bi-level. So there. Not that I ever had one in the 80′s. Or a Dorothy Hamill cut. Nope, not me.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:23 am
@Poppy, Or you can call it a fem-llet
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Ha!!
Americans and their mullets.
You’ll never see a Canadian with one.
No sir.
We have far more class than that.
Just go to a Walmart and see.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:23 am
@Leighann, I bet that you encountered a mullet or a dozen when you braved the black friday
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Happy Thanksgiving, doll!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:22 am
@The Drama Mama, You too Mama!! Well a belated one
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I love the way you write. So open, honest, and damn funny!
Happy Turkey Day.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:22 am
@Christine, I just pray that my honesty doesn’t come back and bite me in the ass.
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I just returned from a giant meal at my sisters house. All I can say is burp.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:22 am
@Mrs. Tuna, Damn.
My mother in law out did herself this year. It was the worst turkey she’s ever cooked. Even SHE said it was too dry.
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Happy American Thanksgiving!!!!
My in-laws read my blog. That’s why I haven’t blogged about the horrible stuffing, green bean casserole & rolls one sister in law made or the gigantic fight that my other sister in law and bother in law got into with my hubs parents. It was funny!!! Hubs, our girls and I locked ourselves in a tiny hot bedroom for 2 hours to avoid the fight.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:21 am
@Laci, Oh no! You can’t mess with food around the holidays. Nope. No sir.
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Perhaps its time to buy your mother in law a meat thermometer for Xmas? My mom used to put roasts in the microwave so I can relate.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:20 am
@Karyn Climans, That. Is. Hilarious. I could put it in her stocking. she might not get it though but we all would
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I love it. Glad you got to eat Thanksgiving too. But really, it’s all the side dishes that are the best, not the turkey.
Thankful for you, my friend, today and always.
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:20 am
@jess, Yea, ji totally loaded up on sweet potatoes and stuffing
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–Kimberly,
I’m sending this blog to your Mother- In- Law! HA HA.
–Hope your Thanksgiving was overflowing with Mullets & Left Over Leathery Turkey
)
Xxx Kiss
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:19 am
@My Inner Chick, Shhhhhh…it’s a secret. And the turkey was really hideous this year. Like the worst it’s ever been. Even SHE said that it was dry!!!
xoxo
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Hilarious. Bless her heart for trying. And damn that gall bladder! Doesn’t it realize the holidays are upon us? Sorry you are dealing with that!
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Kimberly Reply:
November 26th, 2011 at 8:18 am
@Ally, I know it’s a jerk face. I tried to cram in a piece of pumpkin pie and I thought I was going to die…sigh. Stupid gallbladders
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you narrowly missed me pointing out the whole hockey hair thing. hockey hair, mullet, chum, norco neckwarmer, they’re all the same.
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oh… my… god… i almost forgot achy breaky hair.
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It sucks when the food is no good. Usually, we go to my husband’s aunt’s house and her cooking is AWFUL. There’s nothing edible.
This year, we were with my family. Who make me crazy, but the food is better.
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