I held my breath and walked in.
There is just something about its smell that always makes me feel uneasy; reminding me of the times I’ve cried to and from the second floor.
The elevator bounced when it stopped and the doors slid open. I made my way down the corridor and made a right hand turn to suite 269.
The same path I’ve walked for 3 years.
I did a quick survey of the room when I entered and took a seat that was sandwiched between two very anxious women. I could tell by the way their feet were tapping and how their hands nervously fidgeted in their purses and were wringed over and over.
A tall man and woman walked in shortly after. The woman’s eyes widened when she saw that the room was now standing only. She sighed then said:
“I guess that this isn’t a good day to have agoraphobia or claustrophobia.”
The small room chuckled in unison then quickly returned back to the awkward silence.
Dr.B poked his head out of the door from time to time calling us in one by one.
Then it was my turn.
I had really wanted to tell him that I was fabulous, but I wasn’t.
The anxiety from the holiday chaos still loomed heavily in my chest.
And there residing deeply in the back of my mind was the intense fear that the very ground upon which I worked so hard to stand on, would crumble if one more thing had happened.
I shifted my back brace under my wool coat and eased my way onto the plaid sofa. Dr. B pulled up my file on the computer and I began telling him all that I could remember that had happened. When I stopped to take in a cleansing breath, he swung his chair away from the computer. He clasped his hands behind his head, leaned back deeply and said:
“You’re a lot better.”
“What?” I said quizzically.
“Will things die down in the next few days? Weeks?”
“I hope so. I think so. Well, I really think that when it all settles, I’ll be ok.”
“Then you’re a lot better than last year at this time.”
“Ugh, last year.”
“Last year, this would have killed you.”
His statement, a revelation of sorts, hit my soul with ferocity.
I don’t think I said much of anything after that.
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I left his office with a smile.
My feet lighter than air.
I got into the elevator and cried.
Not because I was sad.
No.
But because I was happy.
The events that erupted over the last few weeks were akin to a strong current that pulled at my feet; dragging me back into Shit’s Creek.
But instead of sinking…
I swam.
I swam as hard as I could.
“Last year, this would have killed me.”
When I made it home, Chunky wrapped his arms around my leg, looked up at me and said:
“Momma, did the doctor fix you for today? Did he make you better?”
I took in a big breath and smiled.
“Almost kid. Almost.”
*Lyrics on photo Shake It Out – Florence + The Machine
I love this. So happy to see you swimming. And smiling. So proud of you.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am
@Margaret, Thank you so much friend. 2012 is going to be a better year.
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So glad to hear this. Love the happy tears. Sending you hugs.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:49 am
@Jenny, Happy tears are the best kind. Thank you for being so supportive on the twitters and encouraging me to keep fighting. It means the world to me xoxo
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Oh my heart, girl, this? Gave me chills!
I am so THRILLED for the 2012 that you’re going to have! THRILLED!
xo
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:48 am
@Galit Breen, For the first time in years, I have so much hope in a year. I know that it won’t be perfect, but it will be better and that is a beautiful thing.
xoxo
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You’re such a fighter. I love you.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:47 am
@Alison@Mama Wants This, I love you too girl. Still waiting for my cookies.
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Fanstastic! So happy to read this. 2012 is going to kick ass (in a good way!).
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:47 am
@Melissa, AHAH! I think it’s going to too!
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It’s always hardest for us to realize our own progress. Thank goodness for good friends and therapists! I’m so happy that you have a good doctor who told you the truth and that you believed it. Sending you big happy hugs, Kim. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:47 am
@Jaime, You are so right. It truly was an “ah ha” moment for me. Sending you hugs right on back oxxo
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I can’t comment, I’m so busy wiping tears. I LOVE YOU…love you love you. That DAWN is going to be so bright my friend. xoxoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:46 am
@Kir, I love you so much Kir. Thank you for sticking with me through all the bad parts and believing in me. That means more to me than you’ll ever know.
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Yes. You’ve come such a long way. I know we had our falling out but know that I root for you from my corner of the U.S. everyday. I love you. You taco punched it in just the right place. It may still exist but it’s a lot lower on the spectrum than ever. xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:46 am
@Pamela Gold, I love you Pam. oxoxo
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Your smile is priceless. It says a million words without saying a single one.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:45 am
@Maija @ Maija’s Mommy Moments, I really feel that this is a smile from my heart. My husband captured it when I was looking at our new bathroom window…weird but hey, it’s a genuine non-under-the-muck-of-2011 smile.
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So happy for you that you are getting stronger and stronger!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:44 am
@Shell, Thank you Shell. And thank you for sticking with me through all the bad parts. It means the world to me!
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Oooh! This actually gave me a lump in my throat! Hip-hip-hooray for you! Let 2012 be the year of KIM!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:43 am
@liz, I have my shit kicking boots on baby.
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Congratulations, sweetie! I hope you feel extraordinarily proud of yourself!
You are very blessed to have a doctor who is non-withholding, and tells you if he sees progress. In my experience, this is very rare in psychiatry. I am very grateful to him that he told you that you are in a much better place than you were last year, as we really need to hear this kind of feedback to keep up the good fight.
I wish you even more milestones of progress in this New Year!
xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:43 am
@Janet, I think that it takes someone “outside” of my head to make me realize how far I’ve come in this journey. It was definitely one of those Oprah “ah ha” moments.
I wanted to thank you so much for all of the support and encouragement you gave me this year…and mostly for believing in me.
It means the world. You’re a great friend Janet.
xoxo
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This made me burst into tears for you….and dance in delight for you…because I remember where you were a year ago…and I’m so proud of how far you come. So incredibly happy for you that you can swim now, even when the current gets choppy and the clouds darken, signaling a storm. You are so strong….such a beautiful soul. This is your time woman.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:42 am
@A’Driane, you have it in you to girl. You’re going to beat this. Cling onto that hope you have in your heart because it’s going to pull you and guide you back on your feet and onto that path that you were meant to travel.
I believe in you girl.
xoxo
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There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Next year you’ll be even stronger!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:41 am
@Karyn Climans, Yes there is. I didn’t believe it but it is there. Right within my reach!
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You are going to rock 2012. What a gorgeous smile.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:37 am
@Vinobaby (aka Kerry Ann), I’m looking for the perfect pair of shoes to dance through this year. Yup. This is my year.
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I have chills!!!! So, so happy for you!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:37 am
@Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell, Thank you so much Liz for sticking with me through all the bad and encouraging me to keep fighting. That means the world to me xoxo
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Love this. Love you. Bring it 2012!!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:36 am
@Grace, You bet. I’m so going to need a vacation after all of this. Hello Mexico and sunshine.
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My heart is so damn happy for you. You are a fighter. You have made progress. You have survived. XOXO
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:36 am
@Jess, You’ll get there too friend. I promise you that. xoxo
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I’m shaking my pom-poms for you, sweet girl in a big Woot! Woot!
The light is here. How beautiful, how wonderful for you. Keep on marching, keep on fighting.
I will never, ever attempt to say I know what it feels like to be in your shoes, because your struggle is so mighty, but I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, although mine are infrequent and fleeting. Mine often hit during the holidays, but that utter helplessness, that inability to see the light is such a crushing thing. I’m profoundly happy that this year you made such incredible strides, that the light came and lifted you up. Keep working at it, girl. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:35 am
@joann Mannix, Joann, I just want to thank you so much for pushing me and encouraging me to keep fighting…and believing in me when I didn’t. That means the world to me…like whoa.
I didn’t even know that you had a panic disorder. It sucks balls, no matter how intense or not so intense they are…they suck. Period.
xoxo
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This is YOUR year, girl! Keep swimming!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:33 am
@stephanie, You bet baby. I’m going to keep on swimming.
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Good for you….you deserve this! And we all know you’ve worked hard to get where you are. I am SO happy for you.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:33 am
@jen, Thank you so much Jen. It’s been a long time coming and it feel so good to finally say that I’m making it.
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So happy and relieved. Swim, float, rise up and fly!
Hugs to you Kimberly. I’ve been worrying. Oh sh*t, I want to cry now!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:31 am
@Vidya Sury, You crack me up Vidya. I know that you came in during the tail end of my year, but your support is so amazing. Thank you for encouraging me to keep on swimming against the current. xoxo
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Hi sweet Kim; I love how you tell your story. (have I said that before?). I’m so glad things are improving for you. The fact that you share with us is such a gift that I appreciate every time I hop over to your blog or see you on The Twitter. You are a survivor. And a blessing. HUGZZZ
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:30 am
@Terri Sonoda,Oh Terri, you are such a wonderful friend. I hope that you know that. Thank you so much for hanging in with me when the times were so dark. Your support and encouragment means the world to me. Thank you xoxo
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Kimberly, I cried reading this – I’m so happy! You’re well! You really are! And you’re kind of my hero because IT DIDN’T KILL YOU. You swam.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:29 am
@Nicole, Nicole, thank you so SO much for sticking with me through all the bad and encouraging me to keep fighting. That means more to me than you’ll ever know.
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i always knew you’d be okay but now it’s official. do something nice for yourself as a treat. you deserve it.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:28 am
@The Drama Mama, Thank you for having so much faith in me friend. Really.
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This. THIS was amazing to read. No, the world isn’t perfect, but you ARE better than last year. Positive proof of things moving in the right direction. You just keep on swimming. Hugs.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:28 am
@Ally, I realize that no one walks around happy all the time and that life is blissful always, but I do hope that I can be content and that I can handle things without falling apart (if that makes sense)
I just want to be able to enjoy life and not have to deal with thoughts and wrestle demons.
Thanks for sticking with me through all of the ba Ally. It means the world to me.
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That’s the way to go Kimberly. This year is going to be g.r.e.a.t. and you’ll swim. A big hug.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:26 am
@Karin @Mommy’s Paradise, Thanks Karin. I will swim as hard as I can!
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2012 baby. it’s your year.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:26 am
@Katie, It sure is. Thanks for sticking with me through all the bad Momma. xoxo
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I feel the need to sing from Finding Nemo … just keep swimming, just keep swimming … but that would be mean and stick in your head
Hooray for you and a good visit and a great year ahead xxx
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:22 am
@By Word of Mouth Musings, Oh Nemo. My son loves Nemo. I however do not…probably because I’ve seen it ohhhhhh…42342524 times.
I hope that you have a wonderful 2012 too!
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I feel inclined to read your whole story to get caught up.
That said, this post has me feeling as though things are going in the right direction. Kudos to you. And be well!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:18 am
@Susan, Well it is quite a long story…LOL. I can give you a run down…I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder after battling postpartum depression for 3 years. The bipolar disorder was really bad in 2011. I also had troubles with my employer and had to take them to court. I faced a lot of other health issues as well during this time with my chronic back pain and they found a tumor in my gallbladder…I’m a hot mess eh?!
Anyways, it was a really really rough year and I can finally say that I’m getting on my feet again.
I apologize for this long winded response. I’m sure that you’re all “Whoa…I didn’t ask for her life story…” LOL.
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This gave me chills. I am so very proud of you. 2012 is your year and you are going to kick it’s ass!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:14 am
@Kimberly, oh lord I sure hope so!! Thanks for sticking with me through all of the funk! means the world to me!
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The smile on your face is so big! It shows the absence of that weight that has been lifted.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:10 am
@Jessie Powell, Amen to that. It really is a huge weight. I have a ways to go, but this was a huge breakthrough for me.
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very powerful, thank you for sharing this!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:08 am
@Coffee Lovin’ Mom, I had to…this is a huge breakthrough for me after all the crap I went through last year
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So happy to hear that you are happy. Keep swimming!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:07 am
@Diane, Oh I will do my darndest to!
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Love. It. LOVE IT!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:06 am
@imperfectmomma, and I love you.
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Yeah!!!! So happy to hear this!! And I know how important it is to hear from someone else, like your doctor…for him to notice and say that to you is HUGE.
Love that pic of you!!! Such a beautiful smile!!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:06 am
@Helene, Yes sometimes it takes someone “outside” my head to really notice how far I’ve come. I’m glad that he said that…it was like those Oprah “ah ha” moments.
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This post really resonates in my own life. Thanks for sharing this… I could relate to your story even to the details. And you have such a beautiful way of putting even the most difficult memories into words.
A new follower from Memories Captured
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:02 am
@Sweaty, I’m so glad that you stopped by. Thank you so much. I am glad that you can relate because it’s hard to with some people who have never experienced this…but I’m sorry that you can relate because it sucks…but it makes it easier knowing that you aren’t alone…whew…did that make any sense? I’m totally just rambling on here. LOL
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“”"Instead of Sinking…I Swam”"”
Kimberly, What a powerful Statement.
Brava! Xxx
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:01 am
@My Inner Chick, It is so glorious to say that. Last year, I never thought I would.
xoxox
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Yay for you! So happy to hear this. You’re doing awesome, my friend.
Hug that boy for me. And you too.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 8:00 am
@Mama Track, You bet I will! Thanks for supporting me through all the bad friend. It means the world to me.
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YES!
You are a survivor, a fighter, a true inspiration!
Now tell me about this back brace.. cause as much as I love this post I want to know if you set off any alarms when you go through metal detectors.. also? Is it magnetic? Like if I send you a magnet of my face will you sick it to you?
Please say yes!
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:58 am
@Leighann, Nope. No metal. However, when I had a bone scan I would set off alarms at customs. It was pretty awesome.
But my back brace is made of a velcro material, so you could always make a photo of you and attach some of the velcro on it…I’d wear you.
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Kim, I am loving this post so much. So so much. I love therapy. That extra person and a sounding board. They get to know you and can tell when things have changed, bad or good. I’m so glad you’re on your way, hon. More than you know.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:57 am
@molly, Yes! Sometimes I need someone “outside” of my head to tell me how far I’ve come. I think we focus too much on the bad…when in reality, we are kicking some serious ass.
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You’ve made so much progress!! I’m proud of you!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:56 am
@Carri, Thank Carri…and thank you so so much for sticking by me through the bad. xoxo
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GORGEOUS photo. This post gave me goosebumps. So, so, so happy for you!
(also, that’s such a good song!)
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:56 am
@Greta @gfunkified, Oh I love Florence + the Machine. She’s pulled me through a terrible year.
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Hellz ya!
*doing a happy dance for you
You are awesome. & great.
You go, girl! Keep swimming!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:55 am
@Valerie, Don’t blow your back out girl…hee hee…kidding. If I could dance, I’d be doing it too.
xoxo
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TAKE THAT, 2011!!! Interesting, though, that as bad as 2011 was and how badly you wanted it gone, you still managed to come this far. All that time that you thought 2011 was winning, it was actually you who was winning. I love we’ve gone from saying “just keep fighting!” to “just keep swimming!” You’re my hero.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:55 am
@Laura Wright, Awww…thank you so much Laura!! Sometimes it takes someone outside my head to recognize how far I’ve come…if that makes sense
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I clapped my hands together like I’m a damn cheerleader or something. Anyway — this isn’t about me, it’s about you! Ya. Hell ya.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:54 am
@Poppy, I hope that you wore your famous tights. Cause that would have been awesome
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Love this pic of you..gorgeous! Isn’t it the best to have a ‘lil one greet you with such love? Keep on swimming!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:54 am
@Jill @ Mommy Inconsistent, My guy is only 3 but he’s been one of my greatest strengths through all of this. I’m going to keep swimming…he needs me to.
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You are a trooper, a fighter and it shows in your words. That picture captured not only your fighting spirits but also your determinations
Big kudos to you!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:43 am
@Maureen | Tatter Scoops, Thank you so much!! It’s been a really rough year and I’m finally getting back on my feet. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to say that.
[Reply]
This is awesome – and I love your picture! So amazing that you’re doing so well.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:41 am
@Katie E, Thanks Katie. I had such a terrible year so it’s about time I started this year running
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Im so happy that you’re doing well, Kim, you are an inspiration to all of us!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:40 am
@Michelle, Thanks Michelle. It’s been a hard journey but I’m finally getting on my feet again. It’s such a wonderful feeling.
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Such a powerful set of words…and a message that so many need to hear. Hope that life is definitely on the upswing for you.
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:37 am
@Kimberly at Rubber Chicken Madness, I hope so too…it’s been a difficult year. It’s my time baby.
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You rock, sister. I love that you chose this to capture. So very worthy of remembering.
Onwards and upwards, bay-bee!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:37 am
@Robin @ Farewell, Stranger, You betcha!!!
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I’m a little behind, but I just wanted to chime in with three (or more) cheers for you. You are winning. I’m so proud of you. Hip hip hooray!
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Kimberly Reply:
January 18th, 2012 at 7:36 am
@story, YAY!!! Thank you girl!!
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so that last line got me in the throat a little and now I want to go back and read more. Good for you!
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Oh my love. I see a strong you. I have noticed that you are doing much better myself, from afar. I am not worried {as much} when I don’t hear from you for a day or two. I love you & care about you. I will always have care & concern for you but, I am not panicing if you go missing for a bit. This tells my heart you are growing stronger!
By this time next year, I can only imagine the things you will overcome! Kick ass!!!
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When I think of you, I see Joan of Arc.
(and not because of her seeing ghosts and hearing voices thing…)
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What a fantastic story to go with your picture. What major progress from last year to this year. Good. For. You.
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Love the story. Glad to hear you’re swimming!
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