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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

I bawled my eyes out while handing in Chunky’s Junior Kindergarten registration forms.

“Are you ready?” Shawn asked when the car came to a halt in the parking lot.

I looked down at my hands that had a firm hold on the forms I procrastinated to fill then gave Shawn a nod.

“I don’t want to go in there!” Chunky shouted from the backseat.

“But it’ll be so much fun,” Shawn reassured him.

He huffed as his feet hit the wet pavement and Shawn grabbed his hand tightly.

I just stood there watching them walk to the big blue doors that held a new world for Chunky.

My boy.

My baby.

My little shadow.

Is growing up.

And I am not ready.

We were greeted by a friendly secretary with strikingly red lips. Mrs. K.

“And who is this handsome boy?” she said to Chunky.

Chunky immediately turned his face towards his feet.

“It’s ok,” she said, “Sometimes I get nervous too when I’m in a new place. What is your name?”

“Chunky”…he actually used his real name…in a quiet voice.

“Do you want to go and see your classroom?”

“Do you guys have firetrucks here?” he asked

“Of course we do!” said a voice from around the corner.

The principal came from out of her office and introduced herself. She then asked if she could take him to his class…without us.

I watched as Chunky grabbed her hand.

He looked back briefly to make sure that Shawn and I were still there and walked away from us.

Yes. I know. We are sending him to a Catholic School. Someone has to teach him about Jesus and all that jazz.

I started to cry.

Mrs. K passed me tissues while Shawn laughed at me.

I don’t really remember what was said after that.

Sign here. Sign here. Sign here.

Then Shawn had asked what days Chunky will be attending.

“All of them. We are all day every day. It’s something our city is incorporating. So he’ll be here every day with us.”

My tears turned into heavy sobs.

People, I was a fucking wreck.

We expected that he would only be going every other day.

EVERY DAY!!

“It’s ok babe. He’ll be ok. Heck it doesn’t matter to me since I work every day. Hey maybe you could get a job in September?”

Jerk.

A few minutes had passed and Chunky reappeared with the principal.

“Does he go to daycare?” she asked.

“No.”

“Well he just took off into the class and fit right in with the other students. I’m so amazed. Most kids are really scared. I think he’s going to be just fine.”

“Mom, there were firetrucks and dump trucks and a girl was crying. And I said I to the kids!”

“That’s wonderful Chunky!” Shawn exlaimed.

I tried to hide my face behind the booklet we received but I’m sure that he could hear my sniffles.

“Are you sad? Don’t be sad. It’s ok Momma. I like school. I’m not scared. I have fun here.” Chunky reassured me.

I know that he’ll be just fine. He is amazing and smart and well, he’s THE Chunky Monkey.

I am so very blessed that Chunky is healthy and is able to go to school. I’m just not ready to let him go and grow up.

On the way home, Chunky kept telling me to be happy and that it is ok.

While Shawn said:

“Jesus babe. This was just registration. Just think of how sad you’ll be in September.”

Asshole.

Were you emotional when you signed your child up for school?
Does your child go to JK or SK full day every day? And how did they adjust?
Does it get easier watching them grow?

And could you do me a huge favour? Can you swing on over to Circle Of Moms and vote for their Top 25 Postpartum Depression Blogs?

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58 Comments

  1. I tear up just THINKING about sending Monkey to school. Right now, I’m watching him play and sing at the same time and I can’t imagine my baby going to school. I’m holding onto him for the rest of this year, regardless what anyone says to me.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Alison@Mama Wants This, I was doing ok when I thought that JK was just every other day but when she said everyday…that’s when I lost it. So know I feel like I need to smother him.
      He hates it.
      But I don’t care.

  2. I’m with Alison–tearing up already and I still have 2 years to go!

    Wow, way to go, Chunky, for being such a big boy! He’s going to love school!

    Sending you hugs for the emotional days ahead. It’s going to be ok! 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jaime, I know he’s getting so big. I am blessed that he is growing and thriving and healthy so I knkow that this is the next step to spread his wings.
      It’s just so hard.

  3. I know this all too well, sniff. But you know, in September you will be crying again, for a couple of mornings. And then you’ll see the beauty of it. You can do what you want, when you want, will be well rested for playing with Chunky and you might even have more time with Shawn. Doesn’t this sound great?
    ‘Timan’ also goes to a full day program (6.5hr) for 5 days per week and even though he doesn’t speak the language (yet) the other kids are talking, he loves every day. Don’t you worry about Chunky, he will be all right. And he will grow even faster. Sigh.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Karin @Mommy’s Paradise, I knkow. He needs to do this. At least I’ll have time to take a long hot shower and pee in peace…maybe even poop.
      The possiblities are endless.

  4. I was relieved when we could not afford pre-school so I could wait until Kindergarten. As I’ve shared, I hate how much my oldest likes school. I love how much she loves school. I am a mess. We’ve been at this since September and there are still days I tear up. I hate that I can’t call and check on her during the day. It’s hard.

    And I know your hubby is incredible, but man, mine would be dead with some of those comments 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Charity, You have to pay for pre-school in Michigan? JK is kind of like pre-school in Canada. But it is paid for…probably through our ridiculously over the top taxes.
      I will report that he bought me flowers, starbucks and apologized profusely that night

  5. We’re trying to get our daughter into a nursery/preschool for the fall – we’re on a bunch of waiting lists (thanks to a big population boom, there are no spaces *anywhere*) and I want Maddy to go to school and make friends and learn stuff… but I also want my baby to stay a baby. She’s probably beyond ready to go, but I like having her around… as much as she’s a pain some days.

    I don’t remember how my parents reacted when my sister and I were sent to school for the first time… probably the same hand-wringing & fretting that we’re doing right now 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Stacey, I know that he needs to go and play with friends. He was never in daycare so JK is a great stepping stone to transition into JK. I’m just super upset that it’s every day all day. It’s too much for a little person.

  6. Awww, I totally cried when my oldest climbed on the big yellow school bus. When my middle child did, I practically left a boot print on her ass kicking her out of the car.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Poppy, AHAHAH…how do you feel about HAnk going?

  7. I was a disaster when I signed Logan up for Pre School. And it was only 3 days a week for the morning. I tried not to cry when I dropped him off because he’s a very anxious kid and I didn’t want to set him off. He cried every single time I left for the entire year! Ouch! I called it the walk of shame when I walked home form the school every day because I was crying as well. What a rough year! But then Kindergarten came along and he was fine every morning. Phew. I hope it is easier with the second kid.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Tawny, Oh no. I can’t imagine that it would have been easy to let him go when he cried.
      I was a hot mess in the office. Hot. Mess

  8. I was thrilled when they went off to school because they desperately wanted to go. Kindergarden is one big long play date.
    Maybe I’m a weird mother but I was even happier when they both finally went off to university (out of town). It’s wonderful to see them growing up and developing their own lives and interests.
    It’s been great for my husband and I to have time together again. Although you don’t feel happy about the changes happening now, you’ll soon learn to enjoy the freedom.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @karynclimans, I’m excited for him to grow up but at the same time I don’t want him to. Selfish right?
      I know that he will be fine and he needs to do this. Everyone keeps telling me that by the second week I’ll be loving all that free time…and peeing in peace.
      I’m thinking of going to school since I’ll be home all day.

  9. He’ll be great. And maybe instead of a push present, you get a push your kid off to school present so you can distract yourself. I promise change sucks but the new routine will be great once it becomes the norm. xoxoxoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jess@StraightTalk, Are you kidding. Shawn never got me a push present or flowers for that matter. Oh I should write about that time. It’s hilarious now but it wasn’t at the time.
      xoxo

  10. It’s a good thing, Kim. Wish him well on his journey to becoming a man. Encourage and be happy. It’s what he needs.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nancy, I know. I am so blessed that he is healthy and can go to school. I know that he’ll do well. I have to let him fly.

  11. You poor, poor thing. The only thing worse than taking your first born to school for their first time, it being 9 months pregnant too. Yeah, Memories. Big huge tears.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Dazee Dreamer, Well everyone keeps saying “Time for another now” and no…it is not time. No way. Nope. My eggs are staying vacant.

  12. I can just imagine. Connor is in preschool this year and next and then he’ll be in kindergarten. I don’t think kindergarten in Alberta is full time yet, which I’m actually a little relieved about. But I think he would do fine, and I know Chunky will too. And so will you. xx

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Robin @ Farewell, Stranger, I know that Chunky will be fine. I do worry about him making friends and being able to sit for more than 2 seconds to learn and being polite and well it can go on.
      Ontario is trying to cater to the middle class families so it’s everyday all day. That way no one is forced to find and pay for day care. Plus it keeps it consistent for kids. I think it’s BS though and so do a lot of parents.
      They are trying to scrap it…I hope so!!

  13. I am dreading this day.
    I’m not going to sugar coat it. I’m anxious and feel sick when I think about it.
    I don’t want her going to school alone.
    Who’s idea was it to allow children to be independent?
    I need stronger meds.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Leighann, Me too friend. Me too.
      And wine.
      Lots and lots of it

  14. WHAT THE WHAT? Kindergarten already? Our kindergartens were half days, every day. I liked it a lot, it was a fairly easy transition from pre-kindergarten. I was a bit emotional for both.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nicole, It is so BS. The government is trying to accomidate the middle class working families by allowing full day every day for JK so that the families weren’t forced to pay for daycare. Plus it adds consistency. I think that they are trying to scrap it though. I hope they do. It’s too much. They’re still babies for god’s sake.

  15. Oh my heart, this is so beautifully written.

    (Sob, sniffle.)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Galit Breen, It is so sad right? My baby…growing up.

  16. I couldn’t get my kids out the door soon enough! LOL. They actually went to a preschool starting at age 3. It was half days 4 days a week. They were so advanced by the time they started “real” school.
    Now, when it comes time for Soup to go to school… I may have a whole different outlook. I don’t even like when she goes home to her parents!
    Chunky is going to do great! You are his mom after all. You have taught him how to over come anything that comes his way. He will go to school & be a leader. He will comfort those kids who are having a rough day.
    You will need to get A LOT of scrapbooking supplies to keep you busy while he is at school! I will be here for you on the days you are feeling sad & lonely!
    xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Mimzy Wimzy, HAHAH!!! I know right. My house will be a scrapbooking factory. Well since he is going everyday all day, I’ve been thinking a lot about going back to school to specialize in something in nursing. Why not eh? Or get a job. We can’t afford me staying home for much longer. Booo.
      xoxo

  17. Amy Amy

    first just let me say… men! Get a Job ~bahahaha! Sounds exactly like something my babies daddy would say — lol.

    I just don’t get all day, everyday… argh! It is the same here in the Southern part of the US (8:15 – 3:00). My oldest attended Kindergarten last year and we made it six months before I pulled her out. We (meaning me) decided to home-school… I’ve since found several programs that she is involved in that allows her time around other kids, away from me and it gives me some time to myself. Home-school is a big commitment; I’m glad we live in an area that has lots of affordable programs.

    I’m going to go through the same process with my youngest, she is almost school age… she is showing some interest in wanting to go to school. I think it depends a lot on the kid, my oldest had a really difficult time physically, which I contribute to the pre-maturity, issues that my youngest one will not have.

    I think the adjustment in most cases are harder on the Mom than they are on the kid… {{{hugs}}}

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Amy, See I cannot homeschool. I really honestly don’t have the patience for it. Plus, I have no idea where to start. Plus, I can’t stay at home forever. I’m either going back to school or getting another nursing job (if I can find one with my disability)
      I commend you for all the hard work you put into your kiddos!!!

  18. My eldest 2 went to school (the first until 4th grade, the middle until 1st grade) and we now homeschool so I get to avoid that whole first day of school issue with my youngest. IT SUCKS. All I can suggest is that you drive, not walk so that you can get into your car and cry, if need be. Be fast. If you have the option of not going to his class; don’t. The second and third days are much easier, but it was horrible for me. I am a crier, too.

    That said, I haven’t had the whole “first day” crying session with my youngest. Thank God. She still gets to do all of the classes with her friends and we have a great co-op. Plenty of friends!

    Anyway, I understand. And my husband said something along the same lines of a job, too. They don’t GET it. The cord that attaches a baby to a woman doesn’t disappear just because it’s snipped at birth. We’re tied to them for life…

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @tracey, You are absolutely right..that cord does not disappear!
      I commend you for homeschooling. I couldn’t do it. I’ve tried teaching him at home and my patience went through the roof. I’ll leave it to the pros 😉
      I cried in the office in front of all the teachers in there, a secretary and a principal…so I’m so taking a car when we drop him off 🙂

  19. I cry every fall when Eddie goes back to daycare. And I am at work all day anyway. But something about him being away from home. I just fall apart.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Katie, See I might not be working so…what the hell. I’ll be alone. I guess I could poop in peace. It’s different for Shawn too since he’s at work all day.
      Ok, maybe I’ll get a job. I might even go to school (boo)

  20. Kimberly,
    Inhale. Exhale.
    You’ll be fine. Reallyyy. Would I lie?
    And Chunky will LOVE school and bring you home lots of stories and cool stuff to tape on your fridge!

    Love. Kiss. XO

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @My Inner Chick, I know. I know that he will be fine. I look forward to hearing the stories and I am excited for him to make friends…but still…makes…me…so…sad. My baby is growing up.
      xoxo

  21. Well, I am so glad it’s not just me! LOL! I just signed my little guy (my first-born, my sweet baby boy!!!) up for JK, too. I can’t believe he’s already old enough for that. He’s already so excited, but also mad that it’s still such a long time away (“Awww, Mommy, it’s NEVER going to be September… NEVER!!!”)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nathalie (Arcana Dea Design), HAAH!! Every time we pass a school, Chunky says “Are you dropping me off at that school. I want to play”…sniff.

  22. Aahhh.. this post had me melting, in some many ways 😀 That photo of you and kiddo is simply priceless!!

  23. I have to admit… I cried for both of them…
    Peanut was excited for school. One of my friends’ little boys went the year before, so he was excited to be in the class. Monster… not so much. He was a Mama’s boy, and I was a bit more emotional – him being my baby and all 🙂

    Once he’d been there for a couple of days, he decided he wanted to go every day, but that doesn’t get incorporated in our school board until NEXT year.
    He’ll be in Grade 1 next year **gasp** and is excited about going to school every day.

    {{hugs}} for you… 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Lindsay, This is something new that Ontario in incorporating, however it’s not mandatory in certain areas which is very weird. Our municipality is making them go everyday, yet in certain areas of our city the kids get to go every other day. It doesn’t make sense. I asked if I could only enroll him in every other and they said I either did or just kept him home. JK isn’t mandatory. We’re going to let him go. He needs to. And I am upset. He’s my baby.

  24. It’s like that here too… they had it at our school the year before Peanut started, then stopped. There are some schools that do it here, and others that don’t. I think the all day every day kindergarten is everywhere in 2015 for Ontario.
    It’s basically being used as a free daycare. Some kids are ready, some aren’t. 4 is really young to be expected to “learn” every day, all day, IMO anyways.

  25. I think I will have a similar response to my girls going off to school. It’s such a big milestone, such a tough milestone. But, it is, others have told me who’ve been there, a necessary one. 🙁 Hugs, mama. He’ll always be your baby. Always.

  26. Ugh. You poor thing. I feel all angst ridden over this and I don’t have a child! It’ll be so much harder for you than for him, but STILL. I’m sure it’s difficult to picture your baby doing anything independent of you. Stay strong, girl!

  27. I know this exact feeling. When my oldest went to kindergarten I was a complete mess. I went home and cried my eyes out that day. My other son will be 3 at the end of march and just thinking that he’s getting closer to school scares the shit out of me.

  28. Wow, I don’t want to make things worse, but HOW CAN HE BE OLD ENOUGH ALREADY?? Awww, he’s going to be great, and you will be just fine. Tears are good. He’s going to make you proud. 🙂

  29. Anastasia Anastasia

    So, yeah I hate to say it, but I don’t think it gets any easier. I mean it hasn’t for me so far and my oldest is in third grade. When I see them walking off in their backpacks all tiny and alone, it kills me! Robert usually drops them off so I don’t get all mopey. But like Chunky said, they have fun and you end up appreciating the time with them more. So that’s the plus side.

  30. I thought I was going to be a wreck when my oldest daughter started school. She was nervous. I was nervous. It was all set to be a bad day, but then…it wasn’t. She had a really good time. She came home with all these new ideas, experiments she wanted to try, and projects, and I enjoyed having a little time each day to focus on my younger daughter. As it turns out, we all liked school. Well, except for the getting up early and getting ready. (I just can’t find a way around the particular brand of awful.)

    My youngest hasn’t started yet because there isn’t an American preschool where we live, but she *wants* to go so much I’ve been thinking about sending her to a Japanese school when she turns four. We’ll see…that’s a roller coaster all over again!

  31. I can’t even tell you the wreck I was when we sent Auggie doggie to school, my baby.

    A Frackin’ wreck.

  32. I read this on Saturday thinking that it couldn’t possibly pertain to me because I had my ovaries ripped out of me last year, along with any hopes of having my own spawn. But I found myself thinking about your post all weekend so I decided to comment. I don’t know what you’re going through, but you made me FEEL what you’re going through. And it made me laugh and cry and feel jealous all at the same time. You make the world a funnier place. Thank you for letting us view it from your perspective.

  33. It makes me want to cry just THINKING about it. Seriously. My mom was like well we can’t go to such and such that year because Brayden will be in school- umm WHAT?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Julie S., I know right…and the whole PA days off…that will really rock the boat when I get a job!!

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