It’s a matter of instinct, it’s a matter of conditioning,
It’s a matter of fact.
You can call me Pavlov’s dog
 Ring a bell and I’ll salivate- how’d you like that?
Dr. Landy tell me you’re not just a pedagogue, cause right now I’m
Lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did
Well I’m lying in bed just like Brian Wilson did.
Lyrics : Brian Wilson ~ Barenaked Ladies
Sometimes the depression slowly creeps up on me.
I can feel it rising in the back of my throat as it chokes out my laughter.
I can feel it in my heart as it whispers, “The world really isn’t a happy place.”
I can feel it in my soul as it fills it with cement, dragging my body down to a turtle’s pace.
I can feel it in my mind as it slips a blanket over my thoughts.
And from the top of the proverbial hill on this bipolar roller coaster ride, I can feel the force of the impending gravitational pull downwards where the infinite sadness will saturate my entire being; the world around me changes.
Just like Pavlov’s Dog*, I am conditioned to retreat to my room, draw the blinds, and pull a blanket over my head as a response to this internal stimuli.
Aren’t we all conditioned like that?
If I allow myself to do that every single day, the depression will grab hold of me tighter and tighter until I suffocate and start to believe its web of negative illusions of myself and of my life.
So everyday I force myself to break old habits.
And I do things.
I must.
Even if it is as simple as taking a shower because that is all the energy I could muster up, that is more than not trying at all.
Try, try, and then try some more.
On Good Friday, I silently picked my way through a plate of disgusting fish and chips as our table bustled with jokes and talks of Easter plans.
It was all Charlie Brown-esque to me.
Wha wha wa wha.
I remember Shawn grabbing my coat and then ushering me towards the door. When I got outside the chill in the air hit my face, as did the late afternoon sun. I reached for my sunglasses and said, “I think we need to go for a drive.”
Shawn cocked his head, “Um, sure. We can drive down by the river.”
I opened the sunroof and the wind frazzled my hair. I didn’t care much.
Chunky marveled at the “ship boats”, as he calls them. Shawn talked about something. I think it was about making his mustang faster.
I stayed quiet until I saw the small patch of sand in the distance.
“Do you want to go to the beach?” I asked.
“Sure,” said Shawn.
While there was still a nip in the air and Shawn was without a coat, we walked to the beach.
They walked ahead of me and examined each rotting fish carcass washed up on the shore.
Shawn motioned for me to join them, but I just wanted to watch them;Â their happy made me feel happy.
And of course we hit the mini park where I was coaxed to hop on this whatcha-ma-call-it.
Can I tell you how fun that was?
While the rest of the weekend went to hell in a hand basket, moments like this….
Slow the ride to Debbie Downerville.
In fact, sometimes these moments can completely veer the bipolar roller coaster onto a level plane for a while.
I just have to force myself to do things that I am not normally conditioned to do when I’m depressed.
And it is helping.
(*If that doesn’t make sense or is a wild erroneous analogy, I apologize. It sounded good in my head when I was listening to Barenaked Ladies while washing dishes. Yes, I am the dishwasher. Anyways,  it was a semi “Oh, that sounds really awesome” moment.)
I’m glad you did something. Because doing nothing is a soul killer.
If all fails, draw me something, sweetie. xo
p/s* I am the dishwasher too.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:53 pm
@Alison@Mama Wants This, Gah…do you use palmolive? Cause they are liars. I do not have palmolive hands. They’re more like “Hey Im a construction worker” kind of hands. Gross.
I will draw the shit out of all the things. You just wait xoxo
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I would think it is a huge milestone to get up and do it and to realize what can get you out of it. Stay strong, girl. Keep moving, keep doing.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:52 pm
@Tayarra, Thank you so so so much.
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Wow, Jax calls them “boat-ships.” Aren’t boys just the cutest?!
I agree with Tayarra’s comment. I’m so proud of you for this post. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:52 pm
@Jaime, I love having a boy!
xoxo
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This is a great reminder of our need to break our depression habits. I’m fighting the urge to hide in bed all day, too, so I needed the reminder.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:52 pm
@Emily, Sometimes we need to be in bed and that’s ok. We need to heal our minds.
But I think too that, well for me anyways, the busier I am, the less I think…and those negative nelly thoughts aren’t so bad. xoxo I hope you feel better soon.
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That you recognize your triggers and do something seems pretty amazing to me.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:51 pm
@Kat, It’s getting better. Those triggers are one son of a bass turd to figure out.
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Chunky’s smile is so bright. It’s enough to rip through the shades of depression and let the sun shine in. You’re right in that getting up and doing things helps deter the beast. Sometimes it’s just so difficult to put one foot in front of the other. xo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
@Pamela Gold, It is so difficult and I think it’s ok to allow ourselves to have those days too. But when you can, you should try. Even if you hate the shit out of it.
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You are the reason I read. And the HOPE when I EDIT. I am constantly handed the most mindless, badly written manuscripts to edit, and I want to be honest with the clients. “You are NOT a writer. I wouldn’t even want to receive a LETTER from you.” But my job is to ‘fix’ their spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, yadda, yadda, yadda. You, Kim? YOU are a writer. You know how to SAY what all of us Bipolar people feel. Oh, I can EXPRESS my spirals into depression in a single word: HELL! But that’s because I am too tired, too lazy, too LACKING in emotions to do better. You do better. You do BETTER than better. I admire you so much, and the more I ‘know’ you, the more I KNOW we would be friends. Not just blog friends, but true friends. And Kim, I plan to MAKE you that patch with your Comanche name! LOL! For real! HUGS!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:50 pm
@Kai, Wow. I am blushing like mad over here. That is just so so so sweet of you. REally.
We would totally be BFFS. Like Paris and Nicole only without the drama and hair weaves and really bad english. xoxo
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Keep plowing through, girl. You are surrounded with unconditional love! Those pictures and those smiles beats depression ass any day!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:49 pm
@Maureen @TatterScoops, THank you so much Maureen xoxo
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Keep pushing through it; let their happiness and smiles lead you to where you need to be. I felt inspired just reading b/c it shows that you realized where you were and took an active step to not let it worsen/get you/drag you down.
(And I’m giggling b/c I’m the dishwasher too).
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:49 pm
@Arnebya, I do not have palmolive hands. Those bass turds lie about their smoothing capabilities
Thank you so so so much. I’m trying really hard to keep busy. The busier I am, the less those negative thoughts can seep in.
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I recognize myself in your words. I see and understand all the efforts all you mean by saying I try and try and try. I was saying this morning that the first time I was diagnosed with depression, it was 31 years ago, but I think i have been like that forever
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:47 pm
@nikky44, Sometimes I can’t try. And I think that’s ok. We need to heal ourselves and if that means laying in bed, then that’s ok. Some days I can’t muster more than a few words.
But on the days that I can get out of bed, I make sure I try. Even if I hate it or don’t want to, if I keep busy those negative nelly thoughts are suppressed for a while.
Keep fighting friend xoxox
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My fighter girl.
I need to make a poster of you, I love you so GD much.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:46 pm
@Alexandra, If you make a poster…that would make me happy. Or a little weirded out…but probably happy.
xoxo
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You’ve inspired me to break my usual pattern too. It’s so easy to get in a rut. Thanks for the coaxing… I needed a kick in the pants.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:45 pm
@Karyn Climans, We all do…we should have one of those “easy” buttons but on it it will be “kick in the pants”
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You are a super star to be able to push through this and be such an amazing mother. You are an inspiration to so many…
Have a good weekend my friend.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
@Ameena, Thank you so much Ameena. REally xoxo
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I am happy to see your smiling face, Kim. Just know there’s love all around you. You have a beautiful heart. Hugs! I wish I could make your depression disappear with a magic wand.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:44 pm
@Vidya Sury, You are the sweetest person I know Viday. You always have the right words to say. xoxo
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Keep fighting.
I know my worst times are my times of inertia – I need to keep myself busy, even with household tasks sometimes, just to shut my brain up. Because once I let the voices in, it’s over.
But it’s better than the alternative.
Keep fighting.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:43 pm
@Mrs. Jen B, In the beginning, I have to keep busy. Must. If I do, like you said, those negative thoughts consume me and it pulls me in further. So I try to keep it in mind.
xoxo
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I see myself in your words, too.
And am always so happy you share them with us.
today i feel like curling up. and my husband is out of town. and it’s supposed to rain all weekend.
and i just have to get through it.
xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:42 pm
@erin margolin, I’m so sorry. I hope that you did ok this weekend. There is nothing worse than having to go it alone…and with kids. Oy. Sending you lots of strength xoxox
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Keep walking on the beach, Kim. Or whatever it is that helps you break out of that gravitational pull, even for a little bit.
Also? I love that song. Also? I had no idea the correct word in that lyric was pedagogue.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:42 pm
@angela, A long time ago I had to look it up because I had no idea what that word was
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I see myself in here as well. The doctor and I were talking about a rough weekend and I said, well on my blog I say the happy, I’m not exactly lying. “So there’s no happy?” Well, there’s cute and I record that. Even in the dark the kids are cute.
I don’t think this comment makes sense but I’m trying to say you are so right to do something strong like go for a drive. Look for the moments of happy.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
@Charity, It makes sense hon. Sometimes it’s hard to discuss the bad right? It makes us vulnerable. It’s easier to talk about the sweet stuff and that is totally fine because in the midst of the funk there are still slivers of sweet.
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I’m glad it’s helping, babe. xoxo
By the way, LOVE the Barenaked Ladies, and I love that song.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
@Nicole, ARen’t they the best? Do you have the live album? It’s my favourite.
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BEAUTIFUL pics, and GOOD FOR YOU! I know how hard it is to force yourself to do things that you know you “should” do, just at a time when you’re feeling like ever feeling better is a hopeless proposition anyway. Keep it up – it WILL help! My heart’s with you, friend!
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
@hollow tree ventures, Thank you so so much. I’m trying. It’s hard but I’m gettin gthere. xxo
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You are amazing! The force it takes to break out of those habits, those comfort spaces when the depression is lying to you . . . amazing.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
@Jenn@Fox in the City, I won’t lie. Some days it is really hard to pull myself out of bed and that’s ok. We need time to heal. But on the days we can, we should.
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i know exactly how you feel. i have to force myself to do things on a daily basis, otherwise i will get sucked into the abyss.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
@katery, Yes. Exactly. Sucked in.
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girl, i get the worst depression on the most beautiful days. Weird, huh? I have to MAKE myself pack up the baby or boy or both and do something like go to Target.
Yes. Target is my happy place.
What?
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:38 pm
@Katie, Oh Tar-jay.
Yes, me too. Sometimes the sunny days make me feel worse. Why? Because I feel that when I’m depressed the day should be gloomy. When it’s sunny it makes me feel guilty for being gloomy which makes it worse. GAHHHH
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So this post inspired me to listen to Bare Naked Ladies while I am at work. Keep fighting. When I force myself to go outside and do something with the girls, I feel less lethargic. Their smiles are contagious. Sending you hugs.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:37 pm
@Jenny, Oh BNL will just put a huge smile on your face.If you can get a hold of their live album…it will rock your face off.
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You sound normal – no better than normal. Brave. And you cut your hair or did I miss something?
Man, depression is something. Mine is completely under control with medicine and sometimes I think about going off of it but that hasn’t been real successful, and I keep thinking why bother? It’s not worth it. I’d rather live life and be full of life than just get by. I do know what a blessing it is to be able to respond so well to medicine.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:37 pm
@Lady Jennie, No I didn’t cut my hair. I had it dyed a few weeks or heck I think a few months ago.
I agree with you. If something isn’t broke than don’t fix it. I hate HATE taking medications but I know I need to. Have to.
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I find some of my worst moments are when I don’t push myself to do something out of the routine. Keep fighting, my friend. You can do this.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:35 pm
@Kimberly, Exactly. I do understand though that there are times when we can’t and we just need to be. But when we can we should try right. Even if we hate it. xoxo
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Totally makes sense. Love those pictures.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:34 pm
@Imperfectmomma, Thanks mama xoxo
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Big hugs. You are doing great, even if it’s hard to feel it sometimes. I know how much strength it takes to get up and out and do things in the midst of depression. I’m glad your boys help.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:34 pm
@Misty @ The Family Math, Thank you so much Misty. It is so hard. Sometimes when I do things I don’t feel anything or I absolutely hate it and give up but at least it’s a try.
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***I can feel it rising in the back of my throat as it chokes out my laughter.***
Kimberly, you express yourself exqisitely & beautifully thru your writing.
—–I have felt that darkness rising and spreading inside….especially after Kay.
I bake millions of cookies & write millions of words…
or i’d fucking go insane.
Thank God we both have great families <3
Love love love pouring from Minnesota. xx
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:33 pm
@My Inner Chick, Kim, I am so glad that you push yourself. WRiting is so powerful isn’t it. I’m so proud of you and inspired by you that you unleash that pain on your blog. You amaze me all the time.
I wish that you didn’t have to know this pain. I wish that Kay was still here with you.
xoxo
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It makes perfect sense.
Going out of our comfort zone when depression is dragging us into its pits is hard.
Sometimes it feels impossible.
But it’s doable.
And it can be a lifesaver.
Thank you my sweet friend.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:30 pm
@Leighann, Sometimes it is impossible and that’s ok. I remember times when I could hardly squeeze out a sentence.
And it’s good to nurture yourself in your room. But sometimes too we need to push ourselves and do something. Even if it’s a warm bath. It’s something right?
xoxo
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Chunky looks SO BIG walking on that beach!
I wish I could say I’ve never felt the pull of depression. The slow, sinking feeling as the dark blanket wraps itself around me. Sigh.
Love the picture of you two on the whatcha-ma-call-it.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:28 pm
@Ally, Chunky is ginormous. He’s 3 but he’s into size 5T. We had to shop yesterday for him. Money pit…that’s his new nickname.
I wish that you didn’t have to know this pain too. It’s awful.
xoxo
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You did so good, mama. Just getting out there. Breathing the fresh air.
So good.
I puffy heart you, as always. Thank you for sharing because when you do you make us all a little stringer. And you have helped someone stand taller today just from reading what you have shared here.
Xox
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:27 pm
@Andrea, You are awesome Andrea. Really. Thank you so so so much for continuing to encourage me to write about these difficult times.
xoxo
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Yeah, you did good, sweetie. There’s something about doing a thing you wouldn’t ordinarily do that seems to “shock” our poor tired brains into being able to take in light again. I experienced this, just having a conversation with a good friend in a cafe the other day. Actually, I shouldn’t write “just”, because friends can be lifesavers at times like these.
Having said that, I also think there’s a time and place for rest and yes, isolation to some extent. The trick is knowing when you can benefit from activity and when you can benefit from rest. Sleep can be a wonderful healer, too, when it is not a retreat from depression. I listen to calm music while I rest, or a soothing voice reading an audiobook (NOT a murder mystery!! lol) and it’s almost blissful. Another type of vacation for the mind.
xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:22 pm
@Janet, Oh I absolutely agree with you on that. Sometimes the depression is so bad that I can barely muster up the strength to talk. And sometimes my anger is so volitile that I need to be alone in my room.
But on those days when I can make it out of bed, I’m going to try and do things. Even if I hate it. You never know right? I might enjoy it.
I listen to music a lot. In times like this I reach for Florence + The Machine.
xoxo
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I like how you found a small simple moment to make you happy. I think for us, it takes more of an effort to seek out those moments and actually look for them. I know it’s easier for me to only see the negative.
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:15 pm
@Rach (DonutsMama), I totally get that. I know that sometimes the depression is just too strong that it makes it hard for us to even muster up the energy to talk. And that’s ok. But on those days when we can get out of bed, I try to do something. Anything. Even if I hate it. Getting out of bed…ugh…I just need to ya know? xoxo
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First..OMG I love BNL and I adore that song..in fact I adore the LIVE album it starts and so when I saw the lyrics I actually teared up thinking she loves that song too.
I relate to this, I’ve had bouts of depressions where I just layed in bed and stared at the ceiling for days. I was so sad, so feeling not worthy and yes darlin sometimes I feel lie that today…sometimes. I say “I’m a lousy friend, a lousy writer, a lousy mom/wife/person and no one likes me..including me. ” I think about just staying in bed and not dealing….so reading this I thought..yep I get it, so easy to just give in to it..I want you to know I hear your heart and I love you..keep fighting it, keep dressing and going out and I’ll do it too…we are stronger than we know. Xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 1:12 pm
@Kir, You are so awesome Kir. Really. Isn’t it such a horrible feeling? Sometimes though, I do understand that the depression is so overwheming that it takes such tremendous effort to just talk. But I think on the days where we can muster ourselves out of bed, we need to do things. Anything. And you are right, we are so so so strong xoxox
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I love our words. I am so glad that you were able to get out and do something. And I think the fact that you are so aware of yourself is important, and a good step.
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I totally know what you mean. And while it seems to be so much effort and really exhausting pushing through like it’s okay when it’s not okay, doing it shows your strength and love for your family.
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While I can’t relate from a bipolar perspective, I can relate from my own issues with inertia. I have some very mild anxiety, and doing nothing is like inviting the Devil to tea. I have to keep moving, and FORCE (it truly is difficult) myself to find the joy sometimes.
So I’m glad that you had happy moments in your weekend – those moments do help level that plane or even out the roller coaster.
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Your analogy *totally* sounds awesome.
And your writing? Takes my breath away.
Reconditioning, indeed.
xo
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Sometimes, the sand between your toes, the lap of the tides and a good ride on a whatcha-ma-call-it, can make all the difference in the world. Especially the whatcha-ma-call-it.
You’re a warrior girl, never forget that. Keep pushing that darkness away. There are a lot of whatcha-ma-call-it’s out there, just waiting to help.
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Really really REALLY beautiful post. Keep fighting. You are worth it.
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Such good points. It’s so easy to know and feel yourself slipping and just watch. You know? Instead of forcing yourself to do something or to try to snap out of it. xoxo
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