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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

I don’t mess around when it comes to me time.

I could feel my hair dampen as the steam started to billow out from behind the curtains. I quickly undressed while listening for his curious feet to come barreling down the hallway like a freight train powered by Easter Candy.

If you timed how fast I could strip my clothes off, it would be a world record of some sort.

That’s probably a title that no girl would want to have.

Unless your name is Whore, then yes, you would definitely want that.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve had a shower without my son asking me if I needed soap.

Or if I could make him toast.

Or if I could tell him when he was going to grow boobies like me.

You know, normal conversations that you would have with someone while they’re taking a shower.

When I have a window of opportunity, and by window I mean I’ve bribed the boy child with enough candy that he’ll more than likely shit a sugary unicorn with the shakes, I will take a shower.

Some people get caught up on chores.

Some people take naps.

Some people play Madden Football online with his friend instead of cleaning up the dog shit in the yard and I will not name anyone in particular but I do sleep with him.

Not me.

I get naked.

I jump in the shower.

I lather up.

And I get fucking clean in 2 minutes.

Then I dry up.

Put lotion on.

Then revel in how good it smells.

Then I contemplate eating it.

But I don’t because I’m 31 and I know better.

Then I throw my clothes back on.

Then I remember a time when I could spend hours in the bathroom if I wanted to.

Then I get sad.

And then I hear:

“Mama? You locked up in there? I’ll get a knife!”

Yeah, he’s 3 and very resourceful.

And then I open the door and say:

“I just took a shower without you. BOOM.”

And he has no idea what just hit him.

But he will one day.

Hopefully.

Because I like paybacks.

And I’d like to be a Grandma…wait…they don’t get privacy either do they?

*How do you sneak away when you just want to take a shower by yourself?

*What sacrifices have you made since becoming a parent?


36 Comments

  1. My showers are hit or miss. On the plus side, the kids will sometimes, gasp!, play with each other calmly while I shower. On the minus side, they sometimes fight and yell, and I have to gauge which screams are actual screams and which are part of the screaming game. On the super minus side, there are days A now wants to shower with me, and then D stands outside the curtain, periodically throwing bath toys in with us. We have a small shower. Sigh 🙁

  2. Melissa Melissa

    I shower solo every day. Only because I get up at 4:45 AM, do my workout and shower. This is so I have (usually) 1 hour in the AM where I can drink my coffee, read blogs and be BY MYSELF. Bc once kids are up…..there is no turning back 🙂

  3. It’s like a race against time trying to get a shower in! I’m pretty sure there wasn’t much respite outside the shower either, but it sure was more noticeable when naked and dripping wet.

  4. Jamie McMillan Jamie McMillan

    Shower?…I know I had one of those Teusday…and Friday if a pool shower with hand sanitizer soap counts…god I miss showers!

  5. my showers are very quick, otherwise, the house would be destroyed by the time i got out. as far as sacrifices go, what sacrifices HAVEN’T i made since having a kid?? it pretty much eats up any me time i used to have, that, and being able to do whatever you want whenever you want, the ability to do that is also gone.

  6. Claire Claire

    I gave showering up a long time ago.

  7. I have a deal with my husband that he will take care of getting the kids ready for bed (reading them stories, getting pajamas on etc) while I shower. In the evening. So I get my “me” time, but I have to sleep on wet hair and quite possibly be stinky by morning and all day before I get another. Small price to pay though for getting out of the bedtime routine and having some alone time in the shower. WIN!

  8. I probably shouldn’t admit this out loud, but my bathroom time is pretty private. Sometimes I have a little mosquito in there but not often. I think I’d go nuts if I couldn’t have a decent shower by myself.

  9. The only reason I get to shower alone is because I shower at 6 am when the kid is still asleep. On the weekends… I may or may not shower at all…. Just sayin

  10. I LOVE your subtle commentary about the husband – ohmygod too funny!

    I get a shower once a month, whether I need it or not. The older kids aren’t a problem, since they’re big enough that they can’t swing from the curtains (not that they WON’T, but the cheap-ass Walmart curtain rod will break before they can get swinging high enough to hurt themselves). The issue is the baby, who (for all I can tell) is still attached to me via umbilical cord. On the occasions when the stars align and there are no dishes in the sink, I can stand upright without falling asleep, and the baby isn’t dangling from my teat, I get in the shower and don’t come out for two days. If anyone dares to come near the door, I act like I can’t hear them, which is ridiculous because I have eagle ears AND our bathroom is so small the door to the room is practically nside the shower stall, but I just act wide-eyed and innocent when I come out, all pruny and clean. “What? You were knocking and screaming? Hmm, I didn’t hear a thing.”

  11. comment above mine, funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Have to check out hollow tree ventures!

    Showers are a precious commodity. I’m going to try and get me one today!!!

  12. My kids leave me alone when I shower now, so your day IS coming. I remember the days I would put on a tv show so they would be entertained enough that I could shower without fear of them burning the house down or something. Usually I would open the bathroom door to find them sobbing outside of it, because they missed me so much! Get a life, kids. Mama needs a shower! xoxo

  13. girl i shower when everyone’s asleep. no little buggers in the shower with me. lol i linked up too!

  14. these days I don’t get to shower alone much. There is usually a chatty little man who sits in a seat on my bathroom floor yelling at me while I shower.

    But sometimes he sleeps. And then I take extra long. Because I can.

  15. Well now that I have a teenager, we all get shower time. (There is hope! Hang onto the hope!) Of course, now I’m knocking on his bathroom door telling him not to use up all the hot water!

    Then again, I’m pretty sure it was just this morning he came knocking on the door while I was in the shower… at least now he just shouts what he needs to tell me through the door. And then leaves me alone! LOL

  16. Why, just this morning as I was sitting on the toilet, door closed, I hear my name “MOM, Can you help me?” His Dad was sitting two feet away from him at the kitchen table. Taking showers in record time should be an Olympic sport! We could be on the same team! We’d get gold for sure!

  17. I shower first thing in the morning when I wake up. Half the time, the toddler is still sleeping, the other half, he’s probably awake but he stays in bed until I go get him. If I wake up incredibly early I usually take an extra 5-10 minutes just standing under the hot shower. So indulgent and I love it. I have no idea if I can pull that off once the baby is here. But shower I shall. Somehow.

  18. I wish my kid would just shit, let alone a sugary unicorn with the shakes. 🙂

    I sneak away for baths, since my showers are always 2 minutes long {way, way too short} while baby girl is in the packnplay with toys and little man is playing on the ipad. My favorite thing is to soak in a warm tub that I dropped a LUSH bath bomb into….it is pure heaven. Need to get me some more of those…

  19. I really thought this was going to turn dirty, but you kept it clean. Ha! I have to rush my damn shores pretty much every time. Sucks! My me time is working out and driving to and from work. That’s about it!

  20. I got used to having this kind of conversations during the time I take a shower. As a matter of fact, I ask him things to keep a conversation going while taking a shower because if I don’t, or he’s quiet all of a sudden, he’s definitely busy doing something he’s not supposed to do.

  21. I tell my daughter I will be two minutes. And I need her to do something important for me.
    It rarely works

  22. I was laughing Out Loud!!!!!!! Thank you <3

  23. If it isn’t the kids, it’s the dogs that want in the bathrooom with you. There’s no peace for moms!

  24. All I can say is — enjoy your youth, girlie. And your young son. Because taking showers without any interruptions… okay, it’s like awesome. I won’t lie. Lol.

  25. My kid likes Mickey Mouse so I put on a show for her and I get 20 minutes to shower. But not any longer than that.

  26. Snorting my Diet Pepsi kinds of funny. LOVE it. And that picture? OMG…tipped the cuteness meter. Love your blog. That’s just all there is to it. XOXOs

  27. Sigh. I just want to be able to pee all by myself, with no one yelling at me for drinks, snacks, can’t reach a toy, someone stole their toy, she said, he said, etc., or asking me where I am.

    Actually, funny moment the other day. My baby (not quite two) started pounding on the bathroom door yelling “OK Mommy? OK? Mommy need help?”

  28. Showers are my thing too. I always felt like if I could get a nice shower, then I could take on the day. Lately it’s been random when I get to–sometimes in the morning, other times after bedtime. But I manage to get it in b/c it saves my sanity.

  29. I never get a shower by myself unless I get that crazy-eyed I’m going to crack look on the weekend when my husband is home and he knows to keep the kids away so I can at least have a 5 minute shower to myself.

  30. The only time I can shower in peace is on the weekends when my husband is home that early in the morning. And on those days? You bet your ass I take extra long in there!

  31. You’re adorable, plain and simple. 🙂

    I’m glad you’re my friend.

  32. (Pre)school is my friend! I usually take the 2 minute shower that is interrupted by my kids or husband(!)
    but every once in a while I take the kids to school, come home, run upstairs and take the longest shower that is humanly possible. BOOM!

  33. Oh Lord! I haven’t had an uninterrupted shower in years. And worse, Ava will come in and cry at the top of her lungs. I think she thinks I’m being tortured or something.
    It is girl’s night on Wed. And although the shower will not be solo, the rest of the evening will be. Boom.

  34. Hee!

    Showers are my go to escapes, too.

    I swear (pinky swear, even!) that one day he’ll leave you be, for like a TEN MINUTE shower. It’ll be great.

    (I have no secrets until then. Wait it out, mama)

    xo

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