I can’t even begin to tell you how hilarious Robyn from Hollow Tree Ventures is. When I was scheduled for my surgery, Robyn was the first to dive into volunteering for this International Meat-athon (of the cattle variety you perverts) and I was so excited.
This girl?
Can write your panties wet.
Wait….
That sounded terrible.
Drugs are a wonderful thing. Everything sounds hilarious in my mind.
But seriously though, Robyn cracks me up every single day.
I won’t lie, I am a tad nervous to share her with you. She’s been my blogger secret. I want her all to myself. But it’s time to let her free.
And her boobs.
Please Welcome Robyn!!
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Hi, I’m Robyn, and I blog over at Hollow Tree Ventures. I talk about all sorts of fun stuff over there, like how to have a mental breakdown when you find out your innocent babies know more about Sexy Time than you do, how to send passive-aggressive messages of hatred to your filthy ignorant neighbors, and how to otherwise just barely skim the surface of being an acceptable human while (hopefully) minimizing your odds of getting visited by Child Protective Services.
You know, regular stuff.
What I don’t usually talk about at HTV are boobs, which is why I’m here (among other reasons).
I don’t have anything against boobs (insert joke from fifth grade here). I just don’t talk about them at HTV because I rarely have a reason to, and plus my dad reads my blog, so, um… gross.
So when I got an opportunity to guest post for Kimberly while she recovers from evicting her nasty, punk-ass gallbladder, I jumped at the chance! Finally, after all this time on the innerwebs, I get to say penis! PEEEENISSSSSS!
Now that  was liberating.
So anyway, while I’m here I’m going to talk about boobs, and to make it seem legit and not pervy, I was hoping to get some advice from you lovely readers about breastfeeding, or as we call it at my house, “boobing up.”
One disclaimer before I begin: I am a breastfeeder, in case that wasn’t clear from the previous sentence. I don’t say that to bitch or to brag,* it just is.  I know that not every mother is, for various reasons, either by choice or the baby just wasn’t into it or a low milk supply or whatever. On the other side of the token, there are plenty of moms who breastfeed almost until their kid is packing for college, and that’s fine too. It’s a personal thing (despite the fact that I’m talking about it on the innerwebs, which was pretty public the last time I checked) and I know sometimes people can get touchy about it, as in, “Hey, I wasn’t able to breastfeed so shut your Complain Hole and be grateful that you can,” or, “I can’t believe you didn’t breastfeed longer, why would you ever want to stop ?” I’m not trying to offend anyone, so for the record I do realize that everyone’s situation is different. But this is my guest post, so I kind of have to talk about my own boobing up experience since (as weird as it already is) I think we can all agree it would be even weirder if I started writing about somebody else’s  boobs.
Now that all that’s out of the way, I can share that typically, I really like breastfeeding. I did it with each of the three babies that came out of my own personal uterus, each time for about a year. I know they say it’s better for the baby, which is great and all (though probably not entirely true for my first two kids, considering the various chemicals that likely made it into my boobmilk due to the rather unhealthy lifestyle I had going on), but I must admit that I mostly like it because I’m lazy. Breastfeeding means no bottles to mix, no getting up to feed the baby in the middle of the night, no panic attacks when I get someplace and realize I didn’t bring any formula.
Maddie, who turned one year old on Saturday so she’d better start making other beverage arrangements pretty soon, has been no different. And actually, I’m not in quite as big a hurry to wean her as it probably sounds.
Get off the teats, kid.
Oops, was that out loud? The problem is that she’s a little too attached to The Girls; they’re her absolute best friends.  Kind of cute, right? Sure, until you realize that she beats the crap out of her friends.
In case you don’t know, babies often nurse themselves to sleep, eventually unlatching from the nipular area, at which point the grateful, exhausted mother can heave her overworked bosom back into whatever contraption she uses to contain it. Sometimes, if the baby needs a little extra comfort, she might turn to a lovie or cuddly stuffed rat.
We have one, if you’re interested.**
But when Madeline releases suction on her last meal of the day, she turns to the only source of nighttime comfort she’ll accept – my boobs. Instead of allowing me to reclaim The Girls and tuck them in for the night, she’ll spend up to another hour or so smacking them, kneading them, practicing her fine motor skills by using one chubby finger to poke them inside-out, and (my favorite) twisting the Delicate Bits between her fingers like she’s a Bad Cop trying to coerce me into confessing to Elmo’s murder.
If I try to close up shop, she fusses until she wakes herself up - then we have to start all over getting her to sleep. I know if I was any kind of woman I’d just leave her in her crib or an abandoned warehouse or something until she cried it out, but I just can’t. I had no trouble torturing the first two for their own good, but for some reason I just can’t do it with this one. I don’t know why…
Yes I do – the main reason is that my husband has been taken over by some kind of Baby Worshiping voodoo, and I’ve noticed his new “religion” is a lot more pro-baby than pro-boobie.
I understand that it’s a phase, and that I’ll probably miss the quirky little attachment she has to me sooner or later,*** but for now I’m wondering, does anyone else have this problem? Is there a decoy boob on the market that I could introduce as a substitute? If not, is there a medical salve that helps heal claw marks on the nipular region caused by freakishly sharp baby fingernails? Is my family just totally weird and you’re all sitting out there in the interwebs shaking your heads slowly and giving me the crazy eye?
I need to know – I can take it.
Okay, that’s enough about the boobs for one day. Hugs and interweb smooches to Kimberly, as she recovers and continues to dream of sharing a big, juicy meatburger with Chuck Norris (shut up, I didn’t mean it that way).
*If that isn’t already a saying, I’m claiming credit for it now. That’s catchy.
**Seriously, who lets their baby play with a stuffed rat? Not somebody who’s right in the head, I’ll tell you that much.
***No I won’t.
Please come and visit me at my house, Hollow Tree Ventures, where I don’t usually have any snacks but there’s always wine and plenty of snark to go around.  Also feel free to join me on Twitter – the nice thing about that is I can’t ramble for nearly as long there, what with the character limit and all, and I’ve been told that my abrasive personality is easier to handle in small doses (I’m kidding, no one has ever said that. To my face.). Also, I just joined up on the Facebook, and I’d love it if you’d come over and snoop around and like the page so we can be friends FOREVAHHHHH!
Oh Robyn, thank you for this post. So funny, so true!
My little guy (not so little now, boohoo) breastfed for 18 months. One of the reasons it took so long (other than the fact I was lazy) is that he was overly attached to my boobs. I have no cure. I simply cut down, and then stopped entirely. Oh, we also stopped sleeping in the same bed, which helps tremendously.
I did get a tip – rub vinegar on your nipples. I know, right? How genius!
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@Alison, I KNEW it! I love co-sleeping, but I suspected relocating her would help (not to mention help me get a full night’s sleep)! That’s where the husband’s baby-centric religion comes in; he’s not nearly as ready to evict her from the bed as I am. Though to be honest, when it came time to actually put her in the crib and walk away I’d probably have a breakdown. But boy, am I ever willing to try! I’m going to try the vinegar thing, too, and if it doesn’t work on the nipples then maybe I’ll rub some on the baby – THEN he’ll be ready to get her out of the room!
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Oh, I know! It’s so very hard to go there, especially with the verylastoneEVER.
When you’re feeling like you just can’t anymore – you’ll cut back a bit a time. It *only* took me until 15 months to get there with my third. Or your babe will self-wean. (My first two did this).
Hang in there, mama! Loved reading your words here today!
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@Galit thanks for the encouragement, and you’re right – being the verylastoneEVER does play into it quite a bit. The nursing I don’t mind, it’s the manhandling! But even though I joke about it, I probably will be sad when she/I/we decide she’s finished (sniff) – or I’ll dance around the room and sing a song. I guess we’ll see.
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I had the smacking and kneading w/the last one (who I’m still not ready to refer to as the verylastoneEVER although my husband continues to pretend as though those words do not mean what I think they mean). The reason I didn’t mind it so much was because I HAD BOOBS. I would have breastfed until he was 12 to keep them (stupid ass so-called friends threatened to call the people on me if I tried. Bah. Could have been our secret STOPLOOKINGATMELIKETHAT).
While it was irritating at the time, I’d give anything to just have more than an A cup right now. I nursed him until he was 15 months (the first girl self weaned at 10 months, the second at 13). Neither of them did the smack it up, flip it, rub it down to mah boobs. I agree w/Alison about relocating Maddie, but I know that’s easier said than done. And vinegar. Hm. So many uses! They should be better publicized.
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@Arnebya that’s too funny! Last night my husband said something about feeling like we should keep having kids until we physically can’t anymore, and I was like, “My vagina is already there, honey.” I’m also with you on enjoying the boobs – as a flatty most of my life, it’s hard thing (or two things) to give up. Plus they offer a visual barrier that spare me from looking straight down at my gut, which is nice.
I’m truly glad to hear Mads isn’t the only smacker – normally I don’t compare my mothering/kids/baby’s development/etc with anyone else, but I was starting to wonder if that was a little weird.
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Oh you are one funny minx! I think I WILL follow you.
My daughter has an insane bedtime routine and after reading this I feel much better! She has to have her soother and her bubba and she plays with my hair. It hurts and she yanks on it. why dont’ I stop her? Why don’t I just put her in her bed?
Because I love the shit out of that child.
GAH.
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@Leighann SO glad to know I’m not alone in the indulgent bedtime routine area! Not only does she need my boobs, but she also needs to be on my lap but have her head pressed up against my husband so she knows we’re both there – so we end up all contorted on the couch Cirque du Soleil style until she falls asleep. Sounds like you and I are in the same boat – that’s why I tell Maddie every day, “You’re lucky you’re so damn cute.”
And thanks for the follow – that makes me smiley!
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Bahaha
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My youngest son is now 19 years old but I am convinced he would still be breast feeding if I hadn’t force him to wean at 15 months. I breast feed my sons back to back and was becoming very run down by the time I finally made the decision to wean the youngest. That said, I still think back fondly to the time when they were breast feeding and feel somewhat jealous when I see other women breast feeding.
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@Karyn, first of all – HA! to the 19yo BFing.
Second, it does get old, but unfortunately it isn’t one of those things we can spread out over a lifetime, is it? (Or IS it???) So it’s concentrated into a few short years, and I guess in the Grand Scheme of things I’ll have my boobs back for the rest of my life after she’s finished. Assuming she doesn’t destroy them completely.
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it is NOT my fault that Maddie is a total bundle of super concentrated awesomeness whose every whimper causes my heart to ache. also don’t forget that it would be quite easy for me to craft a voodoo doll out of all your hair i find…
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My oldest self-weaned at 14 months. My youngest is still nursing at 18 months, nearly 19. I finally cut her down to one last feeding – just the nurse to sleep. She has a few loveys and her pacifier, and yet she still wants Mama. Hoping to get better sleep. She nurses to sleep, and I transfer her to her crib. She wakes up in the middle of the night, and she comes into bed to snuggle with my husband and I.
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i didn’t breastfeed, but this is a great (and hilarious) post and i just wanted to say so
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I chose not to breastfeed, but that’s mainly because I don’t have children. After reading this, I’m pretty sure I made the right choice!
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Oh, how I love your words. I totally relate to this. I breastfed my son until he was two. He would’ve continued, but in my mind there was just no way I was going to breastfeed a two year old. So he turned two in September, and we weaned in August. I don’t think we could’ve cut it any closer.
We also did the co-sleeping and it was all just so much easier than trying to get him to sleep in a crib and dealing with bottles. I mostly loved it.
But the boob abuse, yes! My son thought my boobs were both his food source and his loveys. He played with him constantly.
As much as I was ready to wean after two years of constant boob stimulation, I am still so glad we had that special breastfeeding bond.
Also? You on Kimberly’s website? Perfection.
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@Voodoo – you sound familiar… Do you know my husband? Because I think you two would get along really well…
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@Jenny, I love the snuggling and the closeness, not so crazy about the sleep deprivation or constant poking.
Though what you’re saying – a few more months and getting her down to fewer feedings – is totally do-able. Your comment is a good reminder that it’s not all-or-nothing. 
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@katery – thanks! I’m so glad you were here and you got a laugh!
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@Tumbleweed, I’m sure Himself is grateful that you chose not to breastfeed anyone, what with you guys not having any kids. But don’t let this post scare you – why don’t you take my kids for a couple weeks, to see how you like it? Hello? Tumbleweed?
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@Julia, thanks!
I like it over here at Kimberly’s place, too!
Your story about your son still going strong at age two made me realize that maybe I’ve been expecting Mads to wean herself like my other two did, and maybe she just isn’t going to… I don’t know why this possibility didn’t occur to me before! I’ll give her a few months and see how she’s acting then – I just hope the old girls can hold out a while longer!
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This was so funny, Robyn! My boys loved The Girls until they were about 1, also. When they were done eating, though, that was it. If there isn’t a boob decoy on the market, I think we should start trying to invent one.
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@Kelley no doubt – we’re going to be RICH!
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Nipular is my new favorite word.
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Enjoyed it – thanks. And I love boobies and breast feeding too. Yes, I’m a manly, man male type. But then I’m also the Blue Orchid of Texas and falling into the gravity well of my blogger identity more and more each passing day so that may explain some things. Possibly. Oh hell.
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I breast fed my last one until 14 months when my husband looked at me and said enough was enough. I enjoyed that time with her, but the girl mauled my boobs (That sentence is funny because the girl’s name is Molly). I don’t have any witty additions or helpful advice, just empathy.
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@sanstrousers, nipular is one of my faves, too.
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@David, glad it translated across gender lines.
I love the idea of falling into the “gravity well” of your online identity – I can totally relate!
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@justkeepswimming, hey, I’ll never turn down sympathy! Just please tell me they recovered after the mauling/Mollying; I’m not holding out much hope for mine…
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Robyn, I’m not a good person to talk to about boobs because I am the incredibly rare (and lucky) breed of woman whose breasts are still pretty fantastic even after nursing 3 kids. My husband can attest to that. It’s unfortunate that the rest of me didn’t hold out as well as the girls. (I can’t believe is just wrote that; am hitting “send” before I can put more thought into it all.)
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@justkeepswimming I love that you shared!
Side note: I think if you don’t question your sanity every time before pressing send/publish, you’re doing the internet wrong. I was really scared to publish this post, but I’m so glad I did!
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Oh my gosh. I love this. Hilarious. I feel your pain. Literally, she is turning one at the end of the month. When she gets full, she tells me by smiling up at me with her beautiful face, then biting the shit out of me. And not letting go. It’s really fun!
I’m currently plotting my end to the pump. And I’ll keep on nursing because I’m honestly sad to put an end to that. But someday, someday I will have a real bra again that’s pretty and fits. Someday.
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@Jess, yes, you get it, for sure! The innocent, loving smile given just before the pain is inflicted, the desire to nurse butting heads with the desire for an intact boobular area, and yes – the bras. I’ve been wearing sports bras for a year because, honestly, I can’t stand those nursing bras. Used ‘em with the first two, but not so much this time. But even more than pretty bras, I want normal shirts – to be able to wear any shirt I want, without regard to whether or not it has discrete boob access. Le sigh…
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I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but this did make me laugh. Not at your expense of course. In my breastfeeding class, they used a knitted boob as a demo. Maybe you could find a knitting pattern and knit one up for your kid??
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Bwahahaha – you HAVE to be kidding me – a knitted boob??? I don’t know, I’m not very good at knitting. I’m betting mine would end up all deformed (the knitted one… okay, and the real ones) and she’ll be scarred for life by it. OR she’ll get really attached to it and want to take it everywhere; I can already hear other children at the playground. “Mommy, what’s wrong that baby’s teddy bear?”
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