There was a time when I felt like the worst Mom in the universe.
I couldn’t breastfeed.
I couldn’t soothe his colic.
I couldn’t handle taking care of the house and dinner and showering all the while taking care of him.
I couldn’t make it throughout my day without having a meltdown.
I couldn’t wait until my husband came home so that I could throw my son in his arms so that he could get all the love that I couldn’t give him throughout the day.
I couln’t stop thinking that I had made a mistake.
I couldn’t stop feeling so badly for this beautiful healthy boy with the biggest brown grey eyes that could melt the hardest of hearts, for getting stuck with me.
A horrible Mother.
I can’t remember exactly when those thoughts dissipated and I started to slip comfortably into the shoes of Motherhood that my postpartum depression and anxiety illness fought so hard against.
Gradually I fell in love with my new role and with a real live tangible part of my heart and soul…
I hate that I went through what I did. I missed out on so many memories and milestones and snuggles and giggles.
But there is so much more time that I can make up for and that makes my heart gratefully happy.
While I still have moments when I feel like a horrible Mom (what Mom doesn’t?), they are fleeting.
And sometimes I need that snippet of validation that I’m doing a good job, like yesterday.
Yesterday, Chunky said to me “Momma, can you play with me?”
I nodded my head yes and picked up an “army dude” figurine.
His head snapped back and he shouted, “No Momma! Not that one. This one.”
He handed me another “army dude” with a giant smile on his face.
“This one is my favourite one Momma just like you. You’re my favourite. You get the good one.”
3 years ago, I never thought I’d be where I am today.
I’m reaching out to all my warrior Mom’s today fighting postpartum depression and anxiety this Mother’s Day.
Please keep kicking ass every single day.
It will be worth every tear, every scream, every moment that you wish it were over.
Is the best thing that will ever happen to you.
And to all the Momma’s, my sweet Momma’s, know that I acknowledge your struggles too. This is the hardest job on the face of this planet. We are all in this TOGETHER.
Happy Mother’s Day.
I encourage you to head on over to Postpartum Progress site tomorrow. Every hour a new letter will be posted by a Mother. These letters offer support, hope, and so much inspiration. I look forward to it every year. So please stop by and read.