Skip to content

Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday – For The Moms

There was a time when I felt like the worst Mom in the universe.

I couldn’t breastfeed.

I couldn’t soothe his colic.

I couldn’t handle taking care of the house and dinner and showering all the while taking care of him.

I couldn’t make it throughout my day without having a meltdown.

I couldn’t wait until my husband came home so that I could throw my son in his arms so that he could get all the love that I couldn’t give him throughout the day.

I couln’t stop thinking that I had made a mistake.

I couldn’t stop feeling so badly for this beautiful healthy boy with the biggest brown grey eyes that could melt the hardest of hearts, for getting stuck with me.

A horrible Mother.

I can’t remember exactly when those thoughts dissipated and I started to slip comfortably into the shoes of Motherhood that my postpartum depression and anxiety illness fought so hard against.

Gradually I fell in love with my new role and with a real live tangible part of my heart and soul…

My son.

I hate that I went through what I did. I missed out on so many memories and milestones and snuggles and giggles.

But there is so much more time that I can make up for and that makes my heart gratefully happy.

While I still have moments when I feel like a horrible Mom (what Mom doesn’t?), they are fleeting.

And sometimes I need that snippet of validation that I’m doing a good job, like yesterday.

Yesterday, Chunky said to me “Momma, can you play with me?”

I nodded my head yes and picked up an “army dude” figurine.

His head snapped back and he shouted, “No Momma! Not that one. This one.”

He handed me another “army dude” with a giant smile on his face.

“This one is my favourite one Momma just like you. You’re my favourite. You get the good one.”

Favourite.

3 years ago, I never thought I’d be where I am today.

I’m reaching out to all my warrior Mom’s today fighting postpartum depression and anxiety this Mother’s Day.

Please keep kicking ass every single day.

It will be worth every tear, every scream, every moment that you wish it were over.

This?

Is the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Please fight.

And to all the Momma’s, my sweet Momma’s, know that I acknowledge your struggles too. This is the hardest job on the face of this planet. We are all in this TOGETHER.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I encourage you to head on over to Postpartum Progress site tomorrow. Every hour a new letter will be posted by a Mother. These letters offer support, hope, and so much inspiration. I look forward to it every year. So please stop by and read.

xoxoxo



58 Comments

  1. I love this. I’m so happy for you. I’m so glad that you can share and inspire all of us. Im happy to know you. Xoxo

  2. I’m tearing up & smiling at the same time with this… thank you 🙂 And happy Mother’s Day to you & all the other moms out there!

  3. oh wow…here come the waterworks!

    You actually made me cry loads here. I am fighting PPD for the second time here…. but I didn’t know there was a name for it the first time, I didn’t know it was a normal thing, I didn’t know I wasn’t alone.

    So I THOUGHT I was a horrible person, and I’d missed out, and my daughter would never bond, and not enough “skin to skin” contact would ruin our relationship.

    I used to not get out of bed most of the day.

    I’m happy to say that after almost 3 years… my daughter only has ONE mommy and she absolutely loves hers 🙂 We play loads, she tells me I’m pretty, she strokes my hair, and when she’s scared or hurt, or upset she runs to me for kisses and snuggles.

    I’m so happy that this time around I’ve got support, I’ve got understanding, I’ve got drugs :-), and I’ve found people like you!!!

    Thanks for writing this post… it means a lot. And thanks for letting me borrow Chucky every now and then!

    <3
    Niamh

  4. This. Yes times infinity. We’re not far apart with our sons in age. Most of what I go through and have gone through, I couldn’t have done without you and the mountain of the other warrior moms. Cheers to fighting ladies!! Hope Hope Hope. It’s a small word with huge meaning. xoxox

  5. Such inspiring words! Thanks you for always knowing what to say.
    You’re good people

  6. Kir Kir

    Well my friend…as the tears roll down my cheeks and I want to fly to Canada to hug you and sit next to you, quiet and just look at Chunky with you….this was gorgeous just like you…Happy Mother’s Day beautiful.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kir, You are such an amazing friend and I would love for you to come to Canada. We’d bake you cupcakes.
      xoxo

  7. His Favorite! That is awesome. I needed to read this today. Thank you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sandy, He kills me sometimes. But he always has the right things to say at the perfect moments

  8. I’m so happy and glad that you’re loving this role. And yes, it is oh-so-hard.

    Happy Mother’s Day, my friend. xo

  9. The hardest {and most rewarding, by far} job we’ll ever have is being a mom. I’m so glad you kept fighting, like I did, to get to where you are today. Chunky has one hell of a good mama in you. Happy Mother’s Day, love.
    xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jennifer, It really is. I’m sure that other mom’s told me how hard it was but I never bothered to really listen. You don’t really know until you slide these shoes on. xoxo

  10. This phrase resonated with me. “I couldn’t make it throughout my day without a meltdown”. That was how I felt for most of last year. This made me cry and smile. We are not alone. Thank you for your beautiful words. xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenny, I think that all of our situations may not be the same but our feelings are. Isn’t that weird? It makes us feel connected and not alone. xoxo

  11. Being a mom is the toughest job! Even without PPD, it brings out our biggest insecurities, fears and guilts. All the more reason to make sure that we all celebrate Mother’s Day EVERY YEAR to the fullest.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Karyn Climans, It absolutely is a hard job no matter what. I hope that you had a lovely mother’s day xo

  12. Well said, very sweet. It IS worth it, even with the hard parts xoxo, Happy Mother’s Day, Mama!

  13. Amen! This Mother’s Day is extra sweet for me, because last year we were in the throes of colic, recovering from an unexpected c-section, the beginnings of PPD, etc. Your words and your story resonate with me, and I’m so glad for you that you can find joy in all the giggles and snuggles. Happy Mother’s Day! 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kristin @littlemamajama, I am so sorry that you had to go through all that. It is so weird how we all have different birthing stories and situations yet our feelings are exactly the same.
      I hope that you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. You deserve it. xox

  14. yay to seeing another Mother’s Day. We worked so hard to be here. And yay for being Chunky’s favourite…with a “u” 🙂

  15. Happy Mother’s Day to the bravest, strongest woman I know.

  16. Happy Mother’s Day Sweetie! Take a rest, soak it up – revel in it. 🙂

  17. Happy Mother’s Day to you, I’m so glad you are where you are. We’re all making it, one step at a time. I think my Mother’s Day post my just qualify for a link up today, doing it now…

  18. Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! xo

  19. Your words brought me to tears and made me smile too. Such honesty and you nailed it all! Happy Mother’s day, girl! Sending you a big big hugs.

  20. Wishing you the happiest of mother’s days….
    xoxoxo
    Mrs. Tuna

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Mrs. Tuna, Thanks Tuna and to you too…your name always makes me giggle xxo

  21. Beautiful post, Kimberly. Happy Mothers Day! Much love…XOXOs

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Terri Sonoda, Much love to you too…sorry i’m a wee bit behind 🙂 xoxo

  22. That little boy of yours makes my heart melt every time. I swear he has his mother’s kind heart. Happy Mother’s day!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Mirjam, And his Daddy’s farts.
      No lie.
      Love you

  23. Happy Mother’s Day!!! Much Love to you <3

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nikky44, Happy belated one to you too…I’m a wee bit behind on the comments. xoxo

  24. I know I say (or write) this every time but I just can’t imagine what you must have gone through during that dark time.
    Wishing you the happiest of Mother’s Day’s girl! xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Susan, It was beautiful just as I imagined it would be. I hope that you had a wonderful mother’s day too. xoxo

  25. I know you are a voice for many. You’re amazing. 🙂
    Love the picture of you and Chunky, too.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Ally, Thank you so much Ally. I just have to keep on using it no matter how tough it is to relive the past. Someone is always reading right?

  26. Keep kicking ass every single day.

    Yes, this.

    Exactly this.

    xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Galit Breen, I most definitely will. I’ve seen the other side of this…and it’s beautiful xo

  27. I’m very behind in my reader and even more behind on commenting but I had to stop and thank you for this post. It has been a rough four months here with the new baby and I’m fighting to keep the ppa away. So far, I’m winning but I’m so very tired. Some days I want to give in. But you’re right. It IS so worth the fight. Just this morning no2 randomly said on the way to preschool “hey mommy? I love you.”. Her happiness translated into love for me. She feels valued and safe and life is joyful for her. I want more of that. So I will keep fighting. I will.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Susan, See, those moments? Are what we fight for.
      It is an awful illness but we have to kick ass because of our children and for ourselves.
      You are a wonderful Mom and you’re doing everything right. xox

  28. You have fought such a good fight and deserve to be in a good place today and every day after. That little boy lights up my screen every time I visit here, and the same goes for your words of inspiration, your honesty, and your wit. Love it all.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jen Has A Pen, Jen you are so wonderful. Coming from such a brilliant writer, I am so honoured….blushing over here.

  29. Kimberly Kimberly

    Testing

  30. Oh I read this and thought back 31 years ago when my first daughter was born. I was I thought a horrible Mom I actually did not want to bring her home. I felt so guilty. I look back and know it was hard but we both made it through unscathed she is awesome and her and her sister and I are very close. I would not trade that first year of “hell” mostly from where we were living for anything. Everything makes you stronger and I did not seem to mess her up to much. Great post and so true. HUG B

  31. I love this. My little guy will be three in September and I truly JUST NOW feel like this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It’s such a long road, but such a beautiful one. I love being able to come here and know that it’s ok for me to feel that way, and to know that being a mommy is such a gift and I am good at it, even if it took me awhile to figure it out.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Julia, This just made me cry Julia. Really. I am so sorry that you had to endure this for so long. I completely understand that. Completely.
      You were always good at being a Mom only the PPD put some nasty blinders over your eyes and made you see something totally different. Trust me. You were and are doing a fabulous job. xoxo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *