Perhaps it was too soon in my recovery from abdominal surgery to pull Chunky to the park in a wagon.
Or perhaps it was his polite way of asking with his giant grey brown eyes.
Nah, I’m screwing with you.
The 43 pound dictator said, “If you’re not doing anything constructive other than whining about how much your stomach hurts then you’re taking me to the park.”
Yes, it was something like that.
And since my Mommy guilt has been swallowing me in entire gulps like this kid eats a cupcake:
I felt that we needed one good day to bond and talk about things like:
“Why did Daddy put cow poop in the flowers? Can I put my poop in the flowers?”
You know, answering life’s burning questions.
Before we left I prayed to the Gods that my leggings wouldn’t creep up my thigh and gift my vagina with a camel toe.
Nothing says “Hey, I’m the Mom at 34925 Whatever Street. Can my kid play with your kid? No? Are you sure? He has all his shots.” like a hungry vagina eating spandex.
Anyways, there I was, walking down the street with Chunky in tow. By the third house I could feel the tension in my abdominal incisions and I started to question my trust in a few strips of tape holding in my guts.
I also thought about naps and beer and that I left my bedroom door open and my asshole dog was probably drooling on my pillows.
In case you wanted to know.
By the time we reached the park I was sweating worse than Shawn when he finds out that there is no more beer in the fridge…
…on a holiday.
Chunky spotted the giant plastic slide of shock hazard and took off running while shouting, “Yea! The dirty park!!”
“The Dirty Park”
No one goes to the Dirty Park.
The equipment is rickety.
The paint on the bars have been worn down to the metal by years of calloused small hands swinging in delight.
Graffiti lines the slide.
And the grass is never cut.
Old trees that were probably planted by your grandmother overhang the park; blessing the land with dead tree branches that kids run with…
…sharp ends pointed directly at the eyeballs…
…for safety reasons.
But Chunky doesn’t give a shit.
He loves it there.
And I do too.
It’s quiet.
I had expected it to be him and I but there was a hippie there knitting a blanket that could cover Nicki Manaj’s ass 3 times.
Oh and her 2 kids that wanted nothing to do with Chunky.
But Chunky was determined.
He chased them when they ran away and he tried so hard to strike up a conversation, but you know how some kids are.
Total assholes.
Finally their Mom piped up and shouted for them to play with Chunky.
Neil came over first with a stick and handed it to Chunky as a peace offering. When Chunky took the stick, he accidentally jabbed himself in the penis.
“Oh my junk! My nuggets Mama!” he shouted loudly.
When he saw Neil’s eyes widen he carried on to say, “My Mom pinched my wiener today. She jacked me up.”
And to my defense, I accidentally zipped his pants over his…ummm…junk.
The Hippie Mom cleared her throat and yelled for her kids to return to their safety zone where words like wieners and nuggets aren’t used…
…and probably not consumed because they’re vegetarians…
….ok that was mean of me to judge.
…but she had a bag of carrots and fruit.
I shouted “I’m sorry. I accidentally…”
And she never looked up.
I checked my vagina which was still smoothed out in my leggings grabbed the wagon and left in embarrassment.
“We don’t talk about our private parts Chunky to other people,” I explained while I was pulling the cart as fast as my frail body could pull him.
And you know what the 43 pound dictator said?
“That was the funnest ever. We do it again tomorrow.”
And he’s right, like a sucker, we probably will.
 Prompt: A time your child embarrassed you
HYSTERICAL. I have two boys and private parts ALWAYS seem to come up in conversation with strangers! Usually when there is no rock for me to crawl under.
Visiting from Mama Kat’s.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 8:02 am
@Victoria KP, HAHAH! That always happens. Once I was in a grocery store in a long line and my son yelled out “Fuk Offs!”…I looked down and his flip flop had fallen off…that was his word for it…and all these elderly women gasped in horror.
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BWAHAHAHA!!! I ADORE Chunky! I’d babysit him ANYTIME! And he reminds me of MY daughter who, at age 3, decided she wanted to accompany her dad to mass. He was so pleased! (Especially since he had finally come to grips with the fact that this traditional Comanche was NOT getting off the Red Road – our way of saying ‘not converting to any established religion.’ So off they went, all smiles. They DIDN’T return that way. Her dad was livid because SHE had asked the priest (when introduced to him – he and my ex were friends) why girls couldn’t have peanuts. He asked, “Are you allergic?” She apparently stared him down. He apparently said nothing. So she added, “Well, I think it’s not fair that boys get peanuts and girls don’t. Sam (her 4 year old cousin) said girls just get holes.” The priest, “Donut holes?” Her – disgusted – NO! Dad said priests know everything. Don’t YOU know GIRLS have HOLES down HERE (POINTS to vagina) and BOYS get PEANUTS (turns and pokes her dad in the – you guessed it!) I thought it was hilarious (or – as my daughter used to say, ‘heee-larse’) but I guess my ex didn’t find it all that funny. Maybe all HIS humor was in his peanuts!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 8:01 am
@Kai, I think that their brains are in their peanuts too…hee hee.
I wish that I had this kids lack of filter. Well it may not be appropriate in places like church…or the mall…or at work…or ever but it would make some pretty funny stories eh?
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Oh. My. God.
Can’t stop laughing. The line about the camel toe in particular killed me. Stopped by from Mama Kat’s – you’re hilarious. I will definitely be back.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 8:00 am
@Mommy Boots, Yay!!! I’m so glad that you’ll be coming back here. I made cookies for new comers but I ate them…because I’m a team player like that.
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You and your husband (or was it just his bird? yes, I saw that comment over at Poppy’s) make beautiful babies. For serious. This kid is all kinds of awesome.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:53 am
@Pop, Are you stalking my penis comments? Cause that would be weird. Totally.
No my brothers are smart asses and think it’s cute to teach him words like that. Surprisingly I don’t have such a filty mouth when the kid is around.
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Pop Reply:
May 29th, 2012 at 8:54 am
@Kimberly, Kimberly, “stalking” your penis comments isn’t a difficult thing. It would be harder to find a penis-less (peenless?) comment.
VAG!
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Humor is amazing. Not only can my kids play with yours, I will keep my fingers crossed for an Abbey-Chunky nuptial promise. They can take over the world.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:52 am
@angela, And we would reap all the benefits of course….
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This post rocks! I am here for the first time (via Mama Kat) and I tried to grab your button. For some reason, it isn’t working. I will keep trying though because you are a breath of fresh air to me!!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:47 am
@Nicki, I am so glad you stopped by!! I baked cookies for new comers but I ate them for you…because I’m a team player like that.
I’ll have to see what is up with the button. Thanks for letting me know!!
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Nicki Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 8:23 am
@Kimberly, Thanks for the cookies!!! And for eating them!! =) The button is probably an issue on my end. I am still trying to figure everything out and I am not sure why you had trouble commenting on my post. Thank you for taking the time and effort to comment via twitter!!
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I am giggling so very hard at this. That other mom doesn’t deserve your cameltoelessness.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:41 am
@Arnebya, HAHHAHA…is anyone deserving of the toe?
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Chunky is an Original, and often people are threatened by original individuals. But it’s their loss.
I’m sure he’ll meet other kids with which he can share his wonderful humor, which he inherited from his mom!
xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:41 am
@Janet, He sure is an original which makes me feel a little bit more confident in him starting school….ok I’m a lot confident in him. He will find his way there and I just pray that he puts a slice of filter on
xoxo
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There are so many parts of this that I love. Hungry vagina eating spandex. Junk. Nuggets. Jacked me up.
LOVE YOU AND CHUNKY.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:39 am
@Alison@Mama Wants This, Love you too Mama. And I am so glad that the package…hee hee package…arrived safely. I don’t trust our Canadian post office.
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sometimes i pee a little when i’m reading your posts. just sayin’. you are lucky you can leave the park in peace, louise throws the biggest temper tantrum ever when it’s time to leave, so much so that i don’t like to take her at all. it sucks that bad. sometimes i do it anyway but i am always sorry at the end.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:39 am
@katery, Chunky used to do that. My trick? A piece of candy or a cookie when we get home. I’m not above bribing to save my sanity in public places
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Ha! There’s nothing wrong with a little nugget and wiener talk.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:38 am
@Jessica, Oh it’s hilarious…in the house. I think kids weren’t born with a filter. Good thing we lose ours when they become teenagers. muwhahah
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I love it! Reminds me of the time when my very proper mother asked my son why he had a hand in his pants. He answered, “My scrotum itches.” I thought my mother was going to have a heart attack!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:35 am
@Eva Gallant, hahah! they are so literal. At least he used the proper termonolgy for it!
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This is the first time I’ve been here and read about Chunky. But I don’t think it’ll be my last. Thanks for the laughs!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:34 am
@Diane, Chunky is my sidekick…my partner in crime. We’d love for you to come back…we will bake you cookies only we will eat them because well…we are team players like that.
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This story? Hilarious. We are no prudes at all in our household, and there are a number of choice anatomical words that get thrown around – not always appropriately or discretely in public. I felt your pain.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:33 am
@MJ, My son is still 3 so the filter is completely off. He thinks it, he says it.
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Just so you know, I had to take a break reading anything past “hungry vagina eating spandex.” I was laughing too hard.
I just caught my breath. I’m going back up there now. Wish me luck.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:31 am
@Jaime, I’m sorry about my ridiculous vagina, I will tell her to be more appropriate in public. xoxo
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Oh, that boy… will be a heartbreaker one day
What an adorable photograph. Hope all’s well with you, miss. It’s been awhile but always lovely to return to your blog.
Also? This was hysterical. Screw hippie mom and her bag of carrots. You obviously were the cool kids at the park that day.
XOXO
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:31 am
@Charlotte, We sure were…well the awkward ones. We did brave it the next day and they were no where to be found. I think we scared them off
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I have to ask, and maybe this is too personal, but is it possible that you have a hungry, spandex-eating vagina?
Clearly, the zipper is wiener-hungry but come on, vagina eating spandex?
And now let me thank you: I will NOT be using food metaphors for my son’s junk. I think we’ll stick with sports equipment. On that note, can I send Chunky a cup?
And I’ll keep this whole chat just between us… you know, since we don’t talk to others about our, um, kibbles and bits.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:27 am
@Mad Woman behind the Blog, Of course…my lips…the ones on my face are sealed
My younger brothers like to teach my son new things every time my son stays with my parents. I blame them.
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ONLY YOU can make a story about camel toes & zipped up wieners seem like the best day ever! Thanks for the “laugh out loud” to kick off the holiday weekend!!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:26 am
@stephanie, Oh yea!! Happy Memorial Day weekend. Ours was last weekend. Actually these photos were the Friday before it. And yes we braved the park again and we were the only souls there.
Have a safe holiday xoxo
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Our kids would get along great. They talk about their junk all the time.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:24 am
@Kimberly, It’s a date!
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This was hysterical!
Nuggets Kim? Really? We call them “cuyons” pronounced just like that although not spelled like that I’m sure. Say it with an italian gangta accent and you’re good.
Also, I’m not sure if hippies are vegetarians but I think so.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:24 am
@Susan, Thanks for the hippie clarification
I need to use that word…actually my italian neighbor would be super impressed or offended…we will try it out today.
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My kids use the word dink at every single opportunity. It is a full on conversation topic. Nothing says awkward like when your kid says “You know, penis is another word for dink” to his grandma. But yeah. Junk talk all around. “Play ball? Like you mean THESE KIND OF BALLS?” *cue hysterical laughter about balls*
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:23 am
@Nicole, That is another fun word. Dink. Say that three times and dare not to giggle. Do it.
Oh and balls.
I blame his father and his uncles for that
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Hilarious! I love your tone — and that you have no problem blogging about things like asshole dogs, camel toe, pooping and such. A great read!
xo Jess @ opheliabird.blogspot.com
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:22 am
@Jess @ OpheliaBird, Oh yes, I am the over sharer…you missed my series about gallbladders and how I blame them on the Kardashians. xo
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Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. We have constant wienie/butt/peepee talk over here.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:21 am
@Jessica, They think it is the funniest thing in the entire world.
I do too ::bows head in shame::
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hahaha! I love it, so funny! I also love that your dog is an asshole too
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:20 am
@Andrea, We do love our dog…it’s just that he’s an asshole…but we love him…except yesterday when he ripped up a foot of our linoleum kitchen flooring.
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As a constant victim of circumstantial evidence my heart goes out to you. I couldn’t help laughing out loud though.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:14 am
@Cathy, HHAHAH!!! I’m glad I got you to laugh!!!
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Oh my goodness, you had me rolling. I so needed this laugh!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:13 am
@Rach (DonutsMama), YAY! That makes me happy to know that xox I hope that you’re ok?
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OMG, this is hysterical! I think our worst so far was my son saying something about “Winky the Dinky” out in public. Blame the DH for coming up with that little rhyme..
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:13 am
@Nathalie (Arcana Dea Design), HAHHAHA!! Now that is an awesome name. My brothers were the ones who gave him such words as nuggets and junk….they like to razz me by teaching Chunky bad things.
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Omg. I’m laughing so hard.
It’s not at all appropriate either because I’m in a garage full of old men waiting for them to service me….er my car.
Your kid is YOU! And he’s awesome!
Also? No matter what your shape or your size your vag wants to eat leggings. They are a delicacy.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:12 am
@Leighann, I bought mine at WalMart…still a delicacy or would my vagina get food poisioning?
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Oh thank you so much for that! So awesome!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:11 am
@Anonymousmomma, You are always welcome for the giggles. Anytime.
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omg. You and your kid could go on the road. You both crack me up.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:11 am
@Dazee Dreamer, Thing is, sometimes Chunky gets dreadfully shy…He’ll say hi to strangers in the grocery store but if they turn around to talk to him he gets really quiet. He’s in it for the dash of “Mom embarassment”
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“43 pound dictator.” Could anything be more true? I love it. So funny.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:10 am
@Ameena, They are little dictators…well the think they are…ok in my house Chunky is.
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Yeah…you belong in a “dirty park.” He he he.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:08 am
@Katie, I know it. I’m one of them.
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This is my fist time visiting your blog so naturally I have to ask why you have an incision? Did you just have a c-section?
Okay, enough with me being nosy. I LOVE this story, love the way you write, LOVE your sense of humor. Great read.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:07 am
@Vodka Calling, Not nosy at all! I had my gallbladder removed. Nothing major but it still hurt like an SOB…I’m also a wimp.
Glad you stopped by!! I hope that you keep coming back!! I’ll bake you some cookies. But I will eat them for you since I can’t mail them to you. I’m a team player.
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Oh. My. God. I adore you and your spandex eating vagina. (Was that a weird thing to say?) Also? That first picture of Chunky should be in a magazine somewhere. Adorable. Get some rest. Sounds like you are in for another eventful day tomorrow.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:06 am
@Julia, No not weird at all…wait…now was that weird? We actually went back to the park the day after and did a drive by to make sure no one was there. I took a bunch of photos that day
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There are too many hilarious phrases in here to count. That kid of yours – I could just give him a squeeze! (And I love those pics where he’s biting is lower lip – soooo cute!)
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:05 am
@Ally, We actually went back to the park the day after and did a drive by to make sure no one was there. I took a bunch of photos that day
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“chon-chon” is a kind of rude spanish slang for vagina. And I cannot count the number of times we have gotten strange looks in our predominately Spanish speaking neighborhood when my girls like to yell out things about their chon chon.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 25th, 2012 at 7:04 am
@Anastasia, hahah! I like that word..
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Oh sweet Kimberly, you are so facking (got that from you too) funny, I can’t conjure up a thing to retort. However, I shall ramble a bit because I just can’t leave “brief comment”. It’s not in my blood.
So.
I love Chunky more than words can express.
And Chunky’s Mom? A Total package of delight. Facking delight.
From the smooth vagina, junk in the zipper, and poop on the flowers….I was mesmerized. And I Laughed MFAO.
So good.
YES go to the Dirty Park again. And we want details!
Much Friday love coming your way. Hope you’re feeling well.
XOXOS
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Beeeeautiful. I thought I was right there with you, as my daughter “needed” a piggyback ride home one day a few weeks after the baby was born and caused a whole world of sudden, post-birth disgusto-gushing. But then you come out with the junk pinching and all I can say is, “bravo, my friend.”
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Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:41 am
@hollow tree ventures, Now that is an epic blog post!
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JEEEZ woman, if I had strips across my abdomen I would have just blown my guts out laughing. Chunky rocks. Oh, and I’m so relieved to know that you didn’t further frighten the hippie family with a camel toe. Because that would have been the straw that broke it’s back and all.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:41 am
@Pamela, HAHA…I think I did scare her. She wasn’t there the next day.
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I love reading your posts!! always a good laugh!!
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Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:33 am
@Nikky44,I’m glad that I can make you smile
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I am crying I am laughing so hard right now. LOVE it.
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Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:27 am
@Julie S., I’m telling you…the things that fly out of that kid’s mouth is epic.
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I’m laughing so hard. If I didn’t know you I would probably pull my kids back to safety with “my mom pinched my wiener today – she jacked me up.”
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Kimberly Reply:
May 31st, 2012 at 9:03 am
@Lady Jennie, YEa…that was an embarrassing moment let me tell you.
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Love this, sweet you!
Embarrassing and TheBestEver all rolled into one is perfection!
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