If you wake up my sleeping child, I will think of 101 ways to torture you…only I wouldn’t carry through with any of them…I’d just keep those thoughts to myself and to my faithful blog readership.
This one goes to you Mr. Hi I’m 5o something years old and wants to make sweet love to my motorcycle.
It is 6 am.
I know this without even opening my eyes to check the clock.
My stomach churns because I know he’ll be outside soon.
My neighbor.
The biker.
He’s probably the only person in this universe who jumps out of bed before 6am and shouts:
“Fuck yes!”
Because I know he’s excited to hop on the hog.
He probably rushes through breakfast while watching his baby parked in the driveway, steel shooting hints of glittery reflections right into his eyeballs.
And he rushes through showers and he may or may not remember to brush his teeth.
But he won’t forget his helmet.
Because all he wants to do is have some fun*.
I hear his boots hit the pavement with a manly thud.
His leather stretches as he swings a leg over the seat.
Then I wait as his heart stops beating and he holds his breath in tightly and then turns the key.
The explosion of muscle power vibrates my fucking house to the tune of “rawwwwwwreeeeeraaaa” or how ever the hell you type motorcycle noise
And he keeps going on and on and on.
Until Chunky wakes up.
Dude, you ride a bad ass vehicle.
We all know this.
Yea, everyone still sleeping within a 50 mile radius knows this.
Dude I get that you enjoy thrusting their gears as a sign of power.
And I am certain that you love the way your beer gut six pack jiggles with each rev.
And I’m sure that you get a good thrill as your last three mullet hairs breeze in the wind.
But I don’t love it.
You wake up my child before Jesus says it’s ok to.
Apparently if you read the fine print in the bible it says, “Children shall not wake up before their parents are ready to fucking deal with them or have had at least a coffee and a private pee”
It says so.
I know this because I am ahem…cough…Catholic.
You are breaking a serious law.
I swear that the next time you do this, which will be Monday, I will go out there in my jammies.
Not my sexy ones either.
The ones that I wear when I’m on my period (ladies I know you have them) just so I look 100x more crazier than I already am…
And I will punch you in the testicles…
…with my glaring side eyes.
And while you’re down I am going to change your god damned radio station because listening to Sheryl Crowe while revving your hog revoked your man card days ago you vagina.
You don’t want to be a vagina riding a motorcycle do you?
Think of what Jesus said.
You want to go to heaven don’t you?
With your testicles intact right?
**************
*Do you have a noisy neighbor?
*Have you said anything to him/her about it?
*What is the number one thing you hate that wakes up your sleeping child?
*Yes he was caught jamming to Sheryl Crow….and All You Need Is Love by The Beatles….
If you have a confession, link it up below!!
Hee! You called a biker a vagina!
u
I live in an apartment. We have neighbors who have kids WHO WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP OUTSIDE THEIR APARTMENTS. Why do they feel the need to shout and scream outside along the corridor? Why? Why? Why?
God I hate your neighbour.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:39 am
@Alison@Mama Wants This, I hate your neighbors too. You should run out into the hallway with your boobs leaking and hair in a hot mess and start shouting. That’ll scare them.
And it would be funny.
You’d be known as the coo coo bird on the third floor.
[Reply]
Oh my god. Our numbers like to listen to tejano at top volume. So loud that our upstairs windows are shaking. Sometimes I feel like an old lady because I’m like “Turn that music down you young whippersnappers!”
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:38 am
@Anastasia, HAHAH!!! Aren’t they the worst!! Makes me wonder if they have kids!
[Reply]
Hah! Although I haven’t had to experience the noisy neighbour scenario, I still know what it’s like to have your child wake up before you are ready (which really is everyday now that I come to think of it). When you think by not rolling, breathing too loudly or even wiggling a toe will keep that child asleep for another five minutes. And you aren’t even really sleeping because your bladder is shouting to be relieved and your brain is too busy concentrating all its sleeping vibes on that kid in the next room.
That neighbour of yours is a real douchepickle. Eeesh.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:37 am
@Tawny, I have to lay still like a vegetable if my kid sleeps until 7am…I’m laughing at the bladder. And the reference to douchepickle.
[Reply]
Big blaring bike, leather pants, Sheryl crow…..
Tiny penis.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:36 am
@Leighann, You betcha. I don’t know for certain. Cause that would be awkward.
[Reply]
Can I add leaf blowers to your hit list?
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:36 am
@Karyn Climans, Yes!! The lady behind us also uses the leaf blower constantly!!! But she waits till mid morning or afternoon.
[Reply]
Oh lordy. I almost feel sorry for that dude. Wouldn’t want to be him on Monday. Well except for being able to see you in your jammies. That might be worth it, sexy or not. LMAO. Another funny as shit post, Kimberly. Have a super Saturday!
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:35 am
@Terri Sonoda, Have you seen my period jammies? There may or may not be cheeto stains on them. And holes in places where there shouldn’t be.
[Reply]
My neighbour – the shirtless manboob one – used to have this crappy old truck that he would start up and let idle for 20 minutes, in the early morning. Now, either that truck actually died or someone killed it, but he hasn’t done that in years. I don’t want to even ask how it happened as I don’t want to tempt fate.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:34 am
@Nicole, manboob neighbors are also included in the “people you don’t want in your neighborhood.”
::Shudder::
You killed it right?
[Reply]
oh god, motorcycles are the worst. Its the only thing about spring and summer that I hate.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:33 am
@Dazee Dreamer, He’s in a mid life crisis. How do I know? Because he listens to Sheryl Crow. Very emotional that guy. He’d probably cry if I went out there…or he’d kill me.
[Reply]
can’t talk . . . laughing . . . “period pajama’s” I mean, I know the point of the post was the crotch rocket dude, but seriously, Kim, just when I think you’ve said everything, you pull another one out. And yes. I have these. I LOVE you.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:32 am
@Kim, I should make that into a shirt.
We all have them. They’re big and ugly and they have ice cream stains on them…maybe Cheeto prints…
[Reply]
How can I not laugh?! I love the period jammies & punching him in the testicles
Our asshole neighbors German Shepherd runs in our yard & has attacked my poor 30 pound Keeshond too many times to count, while my 3 year old is outside with us. Some people just don’t care!!
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:31 am
@Andrea, Ooo…dogs are scary. I think I’d take the penis mobile guy over scary dogs that attack. Aren’t there laws that say that you’re supposed to keep your dog on a leash?
[Reply]
Andrea Reply:
May 28th, 2012 at 1:22 pm
yes, there are laws. Our neighbor has an electric fence but the dog goes through it numerous times a day!
[Reply]
HATE. We used to have a neighbor like that. WTF is wrong with people?
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:30 am
@Robin | Farewell Stranger, His radio is so loud. It literally vibrates in our house. He is so ridiculous
[Reply]
I hate that guy on your behalf. I might even hate him more than my neighbors, which is saying a lot, but only because my current neighbors don’t have a loud-revving penis-mobile. I’m going to try punching people with my glaring side eyes, though.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:30 am
@hollow tree ventures, penis mobile…that is the best word ever. Side eye punching is very effective. Trust me.
[Reply]
OMG! How rude and inconsiderate can someone be? I don’t blame you for being furious!!!
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:29 am
@Eva Gallant, One day I will go out there…one day…
[Reply]
Punch him hard. Waking sleeping children is a giant felony. Like you said, it’s in the bible.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:28 am
@angela, Every friggen work day. The other day he was listening to “All You Need Is Love” by the Beatles.
He’s a lover not a hater.
[Reply]
Noooo!! At 6am? That’s awful! I hope you do confront him though…and not just because I want to read about the confrontation (which I do) either, but because waking up a child is AWFUL.
Ugh!!
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 27th, 2012 at 10:27 am
@Emily, I was scared of him at first…then he rocked out to Sheryl Crow and I know I can take him on.
[Reply]
***He’s probably the only person in this universe who jumps out of bed before 6am and shouts:
“Fuck yes!”****
That is how we all should live, man. I mean, it’s sort of symbolic, isn’t it?
love ya, Kimmy. Xxx
[Reply]
this post reminds me of the song Leave the Biker by Fountains of Wayne.
Also? I hate my neighbor. He is a douche canoe.
[Reply]
*Do you have a noisy neighbor?
I might have but I don’t notice their voices as ours are MUCH louder
*Have you said anything to him/her about it?
They have complained about us
*What is the number one thing you hate that wakes up your sleeping child?
Their daddy’s yelling
[Reply]
This is so funny I actually read it to my husband! I’ve NEVER done that in two years of reading blogs! And just for the record, I don’t have period pyjamas. My one and only nightie is frightful in itself, I don’t need a scarier one for when I’m bleeding like a stuck pig. And yeah, I read the Bible, I’m pretty sure I read that verse in scripture just last week about Jesus wanting the little children to sleep past the ass-crack of dawn.
[Reply]
This is the same guy who wears baggy crotch jeans. Not because it makes riding more comfy, but because he doesn’t want you to know he has a little dick.
[Reply]
I am laughing so hard over here. So many people in the last week that I have wanted to either punch in the testicles or punch with my eyes but that is probably because I am sporting the “period pajamas”. Those that have dogs, don’t shoot me but we have two that live next to each other and across the way from us that have a barking contest at 6:00am. Drives me crazy when they wake up my 2 year old. CRAZY!
Thanks for the laugh!
[Reply]
Someone needs to leave rotten eggs in his leather carrying bags. I’m just saying….:)
[Reply]
OMG this is hilarious.
How dare he? I remember always feeling like I was going to lose my mind was Ava was napping and ANYONE, ANYWHERE was loud in any way.
The neighbour’s behind us have music cranked all.the.time and it’s not always good. Does that count?
[Reply]
No. Unfortunately we’re the noisy neighbors with our kids having screaming contests outdoors that we can’t hear through our insulated windows and neighbors calling us to complain.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 31st, 2012 at 9:02 am
@Lady Jennie, HAHAHA!! But I bet that they don’t start that up until after the sun’s been up for at least a few hours!
[Reply]
I think you need to put your period panties on his handlebars.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 31st, 2012 at 9:00 am
@Poppy, I even need a hazmat suit to remove them from my body.
[Reply]
In our neighborhood, the asshole with the giant Harley is my husband. UGH. He fires it up at 7 a.m. to ride it to work. Our kid used to sleep through it, and now he invariable wakes up shouting “daddy stop!” Even he knows his dad is the neighborhood wiener.
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
May 31st, 2012 at 8:33 am
@Kim, oh NO!!! I’m sorry i didn’t intend to make it out like all bikers are jerks like the one I have across the street!!
[Reply]
Kim Reply:
May 31st, 2012 at 11:26 am
@Kimberly,
Really! My hub is a jerk because he wakes up my kid with his bike. I said it, not you!
You totally didn’t make it sound that way at all
Most bikers are fine. At least my hub doesn’t sing along to the Beatles of Sheryl Crow while he’s firing up the hog. And he’s a perfectly good guy in every other way.
[Reply]
Oh the junk I’d punch if that was my neighbor. We do have several douches nearby with bitch ass dogs. Apparently they all think it’s cute or some shit to let them bark at all hours. Not magical.
[Reply]
Oh this is crazy funny! hahaha
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
June 7th, 2012 at 9:12 am
@Deb, It’s true though right? Nasty bathrooms. I almost needed to sanitize my hands after writing this.
[Reply]
[...] Something Something – Secret Mommy-hood confession (This was hilarious and made me so glad I live in the [...]
Ack! SERIOUSLY?! I can think of so many ways I’d like to handle this situation, none of which would fall into the “kind request to stop making so much noise at 6am” category…
[Reply]
Kimberly Reply:
June 7th, 2012 at 7:59 am
@Meredith, Dare I ask what your remedy would be? I’m up for any suggestions. The guy has a small penis. I don’t know that for sure…but I’m guessing he does.
[Reply]