If you wake up my sleeping child, I will think of 101 ways to torture you…only I wouldn’t carry through with any of them…I’d just keep those thoughts to myself and to my faithful blog readership.
This one goes to you Mr. Hi I’m 5o something years old and wants to make sweet love to my motorcycle.
It is 6 am.
I know this without even opening my eyes to check the clock.
My stomach churns because I know he’ll be outside soon.
He’s probably the only person in this universe who jumps out of bed before 6am and shouts:
Because I know he’s excited to hop on the hog.
He probably rushes through breakfast while watching his baby parked in the driveway, steel shooting hints of glittery reflections right into his eyeballs.
And he rushes through showers and he may or may not remember to brush his teeth.
But he won’t forget his helmet.
Because all he wants to do is have some fun*.
I hear his boots hit the pavement with a manly thud.
His leather stretches as he swings a leg over the seat.
Then I wait as his heart stops beating and he holds his breath in tightly and then turns the key.
The explosion of muscle power vibrates my fucking house to the tune of “rawwwwwwreeeeeraaaa” or how ever the hell you type motorcycle noise
And he keeps going on and on and on.
Until Chunky wakes up.
Dude, you ride a bad ass vehicle.
We all know this.
Yea, everyone still sleeping within a 50 mile radius knows this.
Dude I get that you enjoy thrusting their gears as a sign of power.
And I am certain that you love the way your
beer gut six pack jiggles with each rev.
And I’m sure that you get a good thrill as your last three mullet hairs breeze in the wind.
But I don’t love it.
You wake up my child before Jesus says it’s ok to.
Apparently if you read the fine print in the bible it says, “Children shall not wake up before their parents are ready to fucking deal with them or have had at least a coffee and a private pee”
It says so.
I know this because I am ahem…cough…Catholic.
You are breaking a serious law.
I swear that the next time you do this, which will be Monday, I will go out there in my jammies.
Not my sexy ones either.
The ones that I wear when I’m on my period (ladies I know you have them) just so I look 100x more crazier than I already am…
And I will punch you in the testicles…
…with my glaring side eyes.
And while you’re down I am going to change your god damned radio station because listening to Sheryl Crowe while revving your hog revoked your man card days ago you vagina.
You don’t want to be a vagina riding a motorcycle do you?
Think of what Jesus said.
You want to go to heaven don’t you?
With your testicles intact right?
*Do you have a noisy neighbor?
*Have you said anything to him/her about it?
*What is the number one thing you hate that wakes up your sleeping child?
*Yes he was caught jamming to Sheryl Crow….and All You Need Is Love by The Beatles….
If you have a confession, link it up below!!