I know that I’ve been the biggest pair of emotional ovaries these last few weeks.
My posts have been more melancholic than the bowl of high fiber cereal that I eat every morning.
Hey, it keeps me regular.
Which is actually not a problem since I had my gallbladder taken out.
Did you know that bile acts as stimulant?
Now you know.
And I bet you have a picture of me clenching my ass cheeks as I search for a bathroom in the middle of a parking lot at an outlet mall with Chunky running behind me yelling:
“You have to take a trophy dump Mom? A real big one?”
In case you’re wondering, I did make it there and yes I felt violated.
There is nothing worse than having public toilet water splash your ass.
Which brings me to my confession:
I have a little thing that I like to call public toilet phobia.
I simply can’t do it.
Except in emergency situations.
The thought of all those bums on the seat.
And I’m sure that all of you women can attest to the fact that our bathroom is dirtier than the men’s bathroom.
We have the women who hover and piss on the seat.
Which means we have to wipe the seat and then lay 5 inches of toilet paper on there before sitting.
Then when we stand up, sometimes that protective pee barrier gets stuck on the seat.
Then we have to use the tips of our shoes to flick the toilet paper into the toilet when we are done which will more than likely clog the toilet.
Sometimes the paper will fall off the seat and soak up an unknown water substance.
Why are our washroom floors always wet?
No one picks up those rogue pieces of toilet paper.
If you do, you should cut your fingers off.
Sometimes when you stand up from the toilet the paper will stick to your behind which is the grossest thing ever.
Was it ass sweat that made it stick there?
Was it someone’s left over hoover pee that made it stick there?
You will never know.
But you’ll think about it all day.
Oh we can’t forget the ladies on their cycle who leave about an inch of their pad sticking out of the “napkin” disposal container as if it wants to play peek-a-boo.
Or finding a tampon applicator floating in the toilet.
Then there are the people who thoroughly enjoy sitting there for hours.
What are you doing in there?
Do you enjoy the ambiance?
Then there are the ladies who freshen up in the bathroom and leave a nest of their hair in and around the sink.
Ladies we are gross.
We wouldn’t stand for our bathrooms at home to look or smell like that.
Come on now.
My 3 year old is scarred for life because I told him if he touched anything his hand would disintegrate.
And that is why I have a phobia of public restrooms.
*What weird things have you encountered in the bathroom?
*Do you agree that our bathrooms are disgusting?