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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

 I’m Mrs. Robinson

I felt sorry for the guy beside me who unknowingly picked a spot next to the sickest person with the worst case of the “strep throat sweats” in the auditorium.

In case you’re wondering where I have been, or not, I’ve been dying since last Saturday.

Like any nurse, who apparently makes the worst patients ever, I thought that I could handle my 102 to 103 fever on my own.

Tylenol.

Motrin.

Tylenol.

Beer with Motrin.

Slushy.

Heating pad.

Tylenol.

Crying.

Telling Shawn that in the event of my death, I give him permission to marry someone who is fatter and uglier than me.

Calling Mom.

Chicken noodle soup.

Motrin with a dose of Mom’s foot in my ass to get to the doctors.

Mom winning.

Going to the doctors after suffering for 5 delirious days.

And of all the days of the year this could have happened on, I was diagnosed with strep throat on my niece’s graduation day.

So there I was sandwiched between Shawn and a stranger as I rummaged through my purse searching for something, anything that would quell the knives slicing the back of my throat.

I ended up finding a mint that was probably in there since Christmas.

I know it was Christmas because Santa’s face was on the wrapper.

I also found my chap stick.

Oh and an animal cracker.

Surprisingly there were no critters in there.

I consider this a win.

“Hey babe,” Shawn whispered, “How old are these girls?”

“14.”

“And just think of all the growing they have left to do.”

“What?”

“You hit your boob plateau when you were 18. Their boobs are already bigger than yours.”

Good Lord. I can’t take that pervert anywhere.

I looked at my watch and it was 7:15. The show was supposed to start at 7:00.

I could feel the chills coming.

I dreamt of my bed.

And drugs.

Always drugs.

I dreamt about surgically removing my tonsils with the Christmas candy wrapper.

It can be done I tell you.

I looked at my boobs and wished they were bigger.

Only slightly bigger.

Like enough to where they don’t look like floppy toddler sock tits.

I coughed into my shoulder.

Shawn nudged me and mouthed “You’re fucking gross”

Then the music started.

Does anyone play the flute anymore?

Well this lady did.

And I gave mad props to the piano player with the best side burns I’ve ever seen.

And there she was.

My niece.

Her gown flowed around her thin frame with an air of pride.

Confidence.

My niece.

14.

As beautiful as ever.

I sat through the entire 9237429743 hour spectacle of awards and speeches just thinking of how fast time flies.

I can remember her walking out into my living room, wearing her flower girl dress, stealing everyone’s breath away.

I can remember Shawn hoisting her up on his shoulders to pick apples from the highest part of the tree and then baking the most glorious pies afterwards.

I can remember the phone calls about school and friends.

I can remember sitting up north at the cottage braiding our hair into a heaping pile of a mess and laughing when we dared each other to go into town looking like that.

I can remember each birthday.

I can remember how excited she was when we told her that we were pregnant.

And I remember when she told me that I was going to be a wonderful Mom because I was a wonderful Aunt.

If I ever have a girl, I would want her to be just like her.

She is that amazing.

When the ceremony was over, she quickly stopped by before running off with her friends and thanked us for coming. “You’re a trooper she said. Just don’t hug me. I don’t want your cooties.”

And in all honesty, I wanted to swoop her up and hug her to death.

And before we made it out the doors I heard her call, “Aunt Kim!”

I turned around and she said to some boy with flaming red hair “This is her. My Aunt Kim.”

His face turned all shades of embarrassment, smiled then ran away.

I looked at my niece bewildered.

“Oh, I brought a picture of you for show and tell one day. He thought that you were really hot.”

Me?

Hot?

To a 14 year old?

That’s right readers, I’m Mrs. Robinson.

Even with the strep throat sweats.

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37 Comments

  1. I wish I could make you feel better Momma! The boy is right, you are hot! Your niece is right, you are a wonderful mom!
    xoxo

  2. You are hot, strep throat and all!!!

    Get well soon my friend. Your body needs to give you a break.

  3. Ha! I love it!

    Well, not the strep throat part. That part licks monkey balls. But the hotness? oh yes.

    it’s just even better that a 14 year old recognized it.

    Because obviously.

  4. I hope you’re feeling better now! You are a dedicated aunt. And yes, totally hot. And your niece is a beautiful little lady. I hope I have a relationship like that with my niece.

  5. A 16 year old told me that my skirt was “boss” the other day. I take this to be a compliment in teenager speak. So in that case – You are BOSS! 😀

    And congrats to your niece!

  6. Of course, you’re a MILF (to him, not me)! 🙂

    Feel better, hun. Glad you were able to be there for your niece on her special day. Now, go rest!!!

    Miss you! xoxoxo

  7. awwwww, how sweet! sorry you’ve got strep, feel better soon.
    xoxo

  8. So glad you caved and went to the doctor! Yay for Mom’s win. Hope you are starting to feel better.

    Your niece sounds wonderful. And the red head made me snort my coffee. 🙂

  9. Chunky’s mom has got it going on. It will only be weird if the 14 year old gets strep throat too.

  10. You are gorgeous.
    Even when you’re gross.

  11. U-um, excuuuuuuuuuuuse me, but i’m Mrs. Robinson!!

    Kimberly,
    you are beautiful inside & out…and to top it all off…

    you can write your ass off.

    DAMN you. XxxxxxXx

  12. Smiling here, thinking of how you probably made that boy’s whole day just by being there. I’m sure your niece was happy too. LOL
    You little hottie you.
    Hope you’re feeling better! Next time, listen to your Momma just a wee bit sooner, k?

  13. for a 14yo boy, he’s got terrific taste girl. you know you rock! signed up for your linky! hugs to you!

  14. Step throat is horrible! I hope you’re feeling better, glad your mom got you to see the doctor 🙂 You are a major trouper for going to the graduation. Your pictures are so cute! Mr red hair boy knew a hottie when he saw one!

  15. You’re hot to a 14-year-old? That’s definitely a win. However if you’re hot FOR a 14-year-old, it becomes a prosecutable offense! lol

  16. Only you can find the humour in the middle of strep throat! By the way, I want a little girl too so I’ve put in a request to my sons that when they have kids, I want a granddaughter.

  17. Anonymousmomma Anonymousmomma

    Ahhh, the ultimate goal to be Mrs. Robinson! you’re there! Lol. Hope you feel better quickly

  18. What I love about 14 year olds is that your niece not only pointed you out to the boy, but then explained to you why he got all nervous 🙂

    Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson.

  19. Janet Janet

    Beautiful niece, beautiful aunt –

    xoxox

  20. Hahaha you totally gave that kid a boner.

    OMG I cannot believe I just wrote that.

    You’re the hot aunt! Strep throat is the new sexy husky voice, am I right?

  21. LOL. Yes, you are hot! I hope you get better soon! xo.

  22. She sounds like a treasure! Snatch her up and give her an extra kiss-whether she wants those cooties or not 😉

  23. That’s just awesome. Well, not the strep throat but the 14 year old thinking you are hot. 🙂 Bet that made you feel better! Feel better.

  24. Of course he thought you were hot! Feel better, Mrs. Robinson. xo

  25. Oh my gosh, of course he thought you were hot but seriously you need a break!!!

  26. Awww hope you feel better soon, girl! Those pictures are so beautiful and precious. PS: Echoing everyone here you are HOT 😀

  27. Hope you feel better soon!!! Your husband is a freakin’ trip!! And I bow down to your hotness!!! What a compliment!!! It sounds like your niece loves you as much as you love her…cooties and all!!!

  28. Hope you are feeling better Kim! The pics are great!!
    And P.S. I think for some reason now a days girls boobs are much bigger than I remember when I was growing up!!

  29. I love this – love it. Such a sweet relationship with your niece, and now my sister is finally pregnant. Living on the other end of the earth, but still.

    Feel better babe.

  30. Haha. Being told you’re hot by the next generation makes going to the show sick (almost) worth it!

  31. Coo-coo-ka-choo! (Or is that just “ah-choo” with the strep and all…?)

    Feeling the need to haul out the Simon and Garfunkel now, for some reason… 😉

  32. Missed you <3 Hope you're feeling better <3

  33. Kali Ledingham Kali Ledingham

    I really hate strep throat because it gives me a very scratchy and painfull throat. good thing to have some lidocaine to take away the pain. “:”,,

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  34. Isidro Sotiriou Isidro Sotiriou

    strep throat is specially harsh during the winter months. always take some vitamins to keep your immune system at its best. *

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