I took a seat on the concrete that was still warm from the 80 degree sun. Champ circled the yard sniffing for traces of that neighborhood cat whore who prowls our yards at night.
Strong winds of an impending storm whipped through the trees. I leaned back into my arms hoping to catch its comforting squeeze against my bare skin.
I giggled to myself thinking of the response that exploded from my mouth when Dr.B had asked me why I felt agitated today.
“I don’t know! The wind is blowing my hair in the wrong fucking direction! I don’t fucking know why.”
And here I was at 1:30 am in my PJ’s willing the wind to dance through my hair.
I looked up towards the sky that had an eery orange glow from the nearby city lights. It was as if Tuesday just didn’t want to let go.
Where I grew up you could walk outside and be enveloped in a black sky littered with stars.
It was a child’s dream.
A plethora of perfect stars to wish upon. I remember crawling out of bed and perching myself up on my white wooden desk, opening the blinds and finding my star. I was convinced that I always picked the same one every night. It was the one that was just off to the right of our maple tree.
As a teenager, my summers meant sitting under these same stars crowding around bonfires, passing beers, the chirps of crickets, flashlights with old corroded batteries found in junk drawers of our parent’s garages, and shitty 90′s music.
I remember this one particular high school party in a backyard. Containers mixed with whatever liquor we could steal from our parents passed freely from one under aged hand to the next.
Then a bag.
“It’s fine Kim,” K said, “You’re only young once.”
It was “just” a mushroom.
It was everything I stood against.
It was everything they stood against.
And that’s when I dug my hand into the bag and pulled out a tiny dehydrated “shroom”.
Fuck them I thought as it passed my lips and I took a spot on the grass.
I tuned out the rowdy crowd and looked up at the sky glittering with stars and feeling so at peace.
Then the tree behind me reached out and tickled me.
It wouldn’t stop.
I laughed so hard that I almost wet my pants.
It was all so messed up and I knew that it was wrong.
I’ve never tried any drug after that.
Many, many years later, right here today under the orange sky light in my PJ’s, I figured that moment was to blame.
I blame a lot of things for my illness.
Unstable childhood home.
Verbal abuse.
Type A perfectionist.
Body image issues.
Sexual assault.
Back injury/chronic pain
Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.
Ugly genetics with a dash of family history of depression and anxiety.
The list can go on.
Can I tell you how depressing it is to focus on all the fuck ups that have happened in my life?
“What is wrong with me Dr.B?” I had asked. “I do everything I’m supposed to do. I take my medications at the same time every single day. I make sure to take care of my needs. I do what makes me happy. I’m surrounded by love. Yet I get up then I get down and then I get up and then I get gallbladder issues and then I get down and then I get fucking strep throat. What do I need to do? What?”
I began to sob sitting on the concrete.
Champ mosied his way next to me and licked the side of my tear soaked cheeks. He let out a huge hmph when he lowered his 8 year old body right up against mine.
“Stop finding a reason Kim,” I whispered to myself, “Start making a reason for it to go away.”
I waited a little while longer for a large gust of wind to blow in my direction.
And when it did I lifted my hands up to sky and I imagined all the blame, every single reason scatter in the air.
Then I searched for that perfect star and made a wish.
Only this one I WILL make come true.
Just wanted to stop by and see how you are, Kim.
I hope your wish comes true. xoxo
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Take deep breaths. Each day at a time. You can do this. You are a strong, powerful woman. Keep going. xoxo
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Great post! You can DO IT and so can I. It is up to us. We are strong! Take care.
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Thinking of you and sending love that your wish comes true.
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There is always a way, and there is always, always hope. Sending you big virtual hugs… ((hugs)). Thinking of you!
P.S. While I will let you get away with bashing the 90s music… mostly… if you ever dis the 80s tunes I will have to do something drastic. I will start singing “Material Girl” (while juggling rubix cubes!) and you will get that song stuck in your head forever! BWA-HA-HA!!!
P.P.S. And if that isn’t enough, I will just start singing the Dora the Explorer theme song. Which isn’t 80s or 90s, but *is* evil, and if it gets stuck in your head, then maybe it will get out of mine. (Why is it the kids always fixate on the shows you hate the most???)
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Hugs momma. Hoping your wish comes true
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Hello, my lovely friend. This post made me cry. So beautifully written, so vivid in description, and yet full of hope and GOOD things to come!
Sending love and hugs.
P.S. My heart smiled when I read about that perfect star
Your wish WILL come true. xo
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Life is not fair! You didn’t deserve all of the crap sent your way
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You, of all people, deserve for a wish to come true. xo
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Kim,
I hope you know by now that taking the mushrooms didn’t cause your illness. And you are not to blame for it in ANY way. But I am hoping you know this already.
And I want to say that you, and all of us with this illness, are entitled to meltdowns, and don’t have to be stoic soldiers all the time. Since we have kids, or most of us do, we have to be selective in WHEN to have the meltdowns – but once in awhile, we have to get those feelings out. (Usually when we are in the company of our long-suffering spouses.)
It’s a tricky balance to let yourself have the meltdown, but to maintain the hope. I know, because I still try to maintain this balance, all the time.
I’m hoping with you that your wish comes true -
xoxox
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Yes, beautiful Kim.
there is so much love waiting for you, when you love who you are.
As hard as it is, we must love ourselves.
Open that door, and step into the life that waits for you.
We are all here, loving you already.
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Kim, you know I can relate to every word you write. I’m in a strange place right now. Not too sad but not too happy. And I don’t know where to go with this stage. Bipolar Disorder is a confusing motherfucker isn’t it?
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Hoping and wishing that your wish comes true. I know the feeling of doing everything right and still struggling to get out of bed. Thinking of you, my friend.
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i know the saying goes “there’s a reason for everything” but i don’t buy that. sometimes there’s not. sometimes we just get dealt a shitty hand and we have to figure out how to play that shitty hand. i’m trying to figure out how to play that shitty mental illness hand too, i know there’s a way, it’s just going to take a lot of concentration and effort on my part and on your part for your shitty hand too. you can beat this, you are strong, even if you don’t feel like you are every single day. you’re going to get through it, you’ve got a great support system and i do too, not everyone is as lucky as we are.
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this post took me in so many different directions. It was a journey I loved taking with you. Thank you for making your perspective so clear, with bravely spoken words, and rich vivid imagery. I love you <3 *HUG*
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You have had to deal with more than most do, so it is no wonder you get down. You have a longer list of blessings, though, I bet. I don’t have the answers but I am on your side, you beautiful girl- inside and out!
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That was beautifully written. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!
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I hear you. I understand, wanting to find a reason, want to place your finger on something, anything. I’m struggling with this too. You speak wisely when you say to stop finding a reason and start finding a reason to make it go away.
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Wishes do come true. xoxo
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“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss
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MommaKiss Reply:
June 29th, 2012 at 10:05 am
@Leighann, oh i like this. i like this very much.
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toss those cares into the wind, my love.
and let’s hope they don’t hit you in the face like a fart.
ok, that was inappropriate…but you know i love you. And I totally understand the need to find a reason. If you can find something to blame? somehow it feels like things would be better…somehow.
Sigh.
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I also look back at my life and look for a cause or a reason. I’m not sure why I do it, but I do. Probably a lot.
I hope your wish comes true. I need to go find a star…
Loves.
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You are brilliant. And you deserve to be completely happy.
I know you will get there. Keep letting go of those reasons to make room for a new chapter of your life filled with happiness and joy.
You’re doing everything right – just keep on keeping on.
I know your wish will come true.
Xoxo
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Stunning.
From very far away, I’m wishing all of that letting go of sadness and letting in of goodness under the same stars.
How fabulous is that? You and me making the same wishes under the same stars?
Love you. thinking of you.
xo
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Oh, Kim. This made me cry. So beautiful. I’ve been thinking of you. I hope all is well. xo.
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I hate it when the wind blows my hair in the wrong effin direction. But seriously, I don’t have any idea what you go through, except from the words on this page. I know you don’t have to share them with the world, but there are so many people that are grateful you do.
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in an effort to keep my reputation as an ass intact, let me say that having just visited Disney World, that song “when you wish upon a star” kind of makes me hurl.
that said.
I think your wish is so deserved. and know what else? I think you can make it come true. You can do it. Champ says so.
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Gorgeousness. Even through all the pain.
xo
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I would imagine you are always looking for answers as to why you feel a certain way. And blaming yourself.
I know you know this was nothing YOU did.
Hang in there sweet friend : I wish there were something I could do.
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May your wish come true! And may you never stop writing, because you have so much talent.
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This post is beautiful. You can do this. I hope your wish(es) come true.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 10:31 am
@Julie S., Me too Julie xo
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I finally got around to reading this post. Not sure why I’ve been saving it but I have. Your words are beautiful and have brought tears to my eyes especially when you say “stop finding a reason and start making a reason for it to go away.” I hope your wish comes true too.
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