Apparently, I have a bigger vagina after having a baby…
Of course our air conditioner had to die on the Canadian Day weekend; the hottest weekend we’ve had all year.
Temperatures reaching 32 degrees Celsius.
For my American friends that means you risk having your nipples melt off if you spend more than 20 minutes outside.
You don’t want your nipples to melt off.
Shawn and I called it an early night because heat stroke will do that to you.
I rolled over to spoon, our hot bodies entwined.
Our breaths in sync.
I rubbed his leg up and down with the inside of my thigh while blowing softly onto his neck.
Then he opened his mouth…
Shawn: I think that you can tell how easy a woman is by the size of her vagina.
Shawn: They’re bigger. Well I know you’re easy because you have a big vagina.
Me: Excuse me?
Shawn: I’m kidding. But you do have a bigger vagina since you had Chunky.
Shawn: I’m serious.
Me: You are telling me that I have a big vagina?
Shawn: Well what do you expect. You shot out a child from there.
Me: Great. Now I’m going to be all self conscious about my vagina.
Shawn: Don’t worry bigger can still be better, like your hips.
Me: I have big hips too?
Shawn: Yes. But I like big hips.
Me: I have a big vagina and big hips. Oh God.
Shawn: Chunky stretched you out babe.
Me: Well…well…you’re getting old and your balls are sagging and they slap me in places I never knew I had.
Shawn: They do?
Me: Yes. Slap. Slap. Slap. It’s like your balls are clapping because you finally scored.
Shawn: Har, har.
Me: I can’t believe you told me that I have a big vagina
Shawn: Babe. Babe. Calm down. You have a beautiful flower.
Me: I really don’t like you right now.
Shawn: Babe, all Mom’s have stretched out vaginas. You’re not alone.
Me: Oh great. I’m not alone. Do you think there are online support groups for women with big vaginas? You’re such an asshole.
Shawn: I’ll Google it. (Grabs iPod). Oh my God babe. There are support groups. See, you’re not alone!
Shawn: Haven’t you noticed?
Shawn: Like how could you not notice.
Me: Oh I just thought your penis was small. At least I have an excuse. What is yours?
Shawn: Babe, I’m kidding. Your vagina is a beautiful flower.
Me: I am hideous.
Shawn: No you’re not. You’re gorgeous and no those panties don’t make your vagina look big.
Me: I really hate you.
::Well this is the part where I’d ask the question about your vagina but I’m not certain that I want to know. Not that you wanted to know about my vagina. Or maybe you did. Perverts.
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