Apparently, I have a bigger vagina after having a baby…
Of course our air conditioner had to die on the Canadian Day weekend; the hottest weekend we’ve had all year.
Temperatures reaching 32 degrees Celsius.
For my American friends that means you risk having your nipples melt off if you spend more than 20 minutes outside.
You don’t want your nipples to melt off.
Shawn and I called it an early night because heat stroke will do that to you.
I rolled over to spoon, our hot bodies entwined.
Our breaths in sync.
I rubbed his leg up and down with the inside of my thigh while blowing softly onto his neck.
Then he opened his mouth…
Shawn: I think that you can tell how easy a woman is by the size of her vagina.
Me: WHAT?
Shawn: They’re bigger. Well I know you’re easy because you have a big vagina.
Me: Excuse me?
Shawn: I’m kidding. But you do have a bigger vagina since you had Chunky.
Me: Seriously?
Shawn: I’m serious.
Me: You are telling me that I have a big vagina?
Shawn: Well what do you expect. You shot out a child from there.
Me: Great. Now I’m going to be all self conscious about my vagina.
Shawn: Don’t worry bigger can still be better, like your hips.
Me: I have big hips too?
Shawn: Yes. But I like big hips.
Me: I have a big vagina and big hips. Oh God.
Shawn: Chunky stretched you out babe.
Me: Well…well…you’re getting old and your balls are sagging and they slap me in places I never knew I had.
Shawn: They do?
Me: Yes. Slap. Slap. Slap. It’s like your balls are clapping because you finally scored.
Shawn: Har, har.
Me: I can’t believe you told me that I have a big vagina
 Shawn: Babe. Babe. Calm down. You have a beautiful flower.
Me: I really don’t like you right now.
Shawn: Babe, all Mom’s have stretched out vaginas. You’re not alone.
Me: Oh great. I’m not alone. Do you think there are online support groups for women with big vaginas? You’re such an asshole.
Shawn: I’ll Google it. (Grabs iPod). Oh my God babe. There are support groups. See, you’re not alone!
Me: ….
Shawn: Haven’t you noticed?
Me:….
Shawn: Like how could you not notice.
Me: Oh I just thought your penis was small. At least I have an excuse. What is yours?
Shawn: Babe, I’m kidding. Your vagina is a beautiful flower.
Me: I am hideous.
Shawn: No you’re not. You’re gorgeous and no those panties don’t make your vagina look big.
Me: I really hate you.
::Well this is the part where I’d ask the question about your vagina but I’m not certain that I want to know. Not that you wanted to know about my vagina. Or maybe you did. Perverts.
Don’t forget that Secret Mommy-hood Confession is a weekly meme. I would love it if you linked up and shared your motherhood confessions. Share your dirt below and grab the badge on your right.
See, they really need to know when to just stop because I saw that hole he was digging getting deeper and deeper and deeper…LOL
That picture at the bottom is absolutely priceless! I do believe I’m going to pin that ^.^
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:37 am
@Kayla @ TheEclecticElement, He has no filter or internal stop sign. Don’t worry, I like to throw him under the bus as much as I can. We love each other like that.
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do guys think before they talk? really? hubby asked me what i could do from keeping my boobs from sagging, that we’ve got about 5 years b4 i hit 40, we should start planning. cause ya know, 40 is the magic number. i’m tempted to have him buy me expensive bras and con him into thinking they’ll help.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:36 am
@Vanita, They don’t think at all. No filter. And you should make him buy you pretty bras! Hell yes!
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He is wrong for that!! And ya know? It’s not even true, if the doctor had to use a few stitches down there.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:35 am
@Angelia Sims, HAHAH! Yes the doctor did.
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haha I’m sorry, I just have to laugh! What a convo. hehe I love the saggy balls bit too. I can relate there, however, never had a child so not sure what I can tell you about my va jay jay.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:31 am
@Brenda, Well…apparently kids ruin things you never thought imaginable
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You and your hubby are so funny! Thanks for the morning laugh!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:27 am
@Eva Gallant, We are ridiculous. But we love each other when we are not bashing our private parts…ummm.wait…that came out wrong.
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your vaj is fine.
The penis shrinks as they get older.
You know this.. you’re a nurse.
In fact he should watch out.. it will invert.
BOOM
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:27 am
@Leighann, like a chubby belly button.
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This reminds me of Sex & The City – when Samantha was told she had a big vagina. You’re a sex bomb basically.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:26 am
@Alison, Well why thank you
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Haha! I’m glad I’m not the only one who has these conversations with the hubby. We even had a conversation about Kegels exercises that might tighten things that are stretched out. But then we realized that there was nothing to keep balls from sagging. Poor man
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:26 am
@Tawny, Excatcly! There is nothing to prevent the ball sagging. Jerks.
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I think your vagina needs to grow a set of teeth to fight back!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:26 am
@Poppy, Listen with all of the other oddities my body has grown I’m surprised it hasn’t already. Why am I such a freak
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well then. because of my c-sections I will just keep my petite vag. The only thing left on me that is small. Boom.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:25 am
@Katie, Damn it. No high five for giant vaginas from you!
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You and your husband have the weirdest conversations at times. Strange but funny.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:24 am
@Karyn Climans, Yes we are a quirky kind of people. That’s why we are perfect for each other.
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Hehehe.
And that is the one plus side about having a C-section – my vagina is still in tight working order. My stomach? Meh, who needs that anyway. Pssfft.
Bravo with the saggy ball slaps. lol
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:24 am
@Lady Estrogen, Well I thought mine was…gah…stupid husband.
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Kegels. That’s all I’m going to say. Lots and lots of kegels. Don’t ask how I know.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:23 am
@Nicole, one…and two…and….what were you saying?
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i had a c-section, so no vagina stretching. that was after 22 hours of labor though, so i did get to suffer first.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:22 am
@katery, Well look at you Mrs. Small Vagina….LOL
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Ha! I honestly don’t know, but I suspect it’s the same. I didn’t shoot a kid out that way. My stomach on the other hand…
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:21 am
@Robin @ Farewell, Stranger, Ah….well my child came blazing into the world with a big effing cone head. He ruins everything
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Me: Hey, hubs–did my vagina shrink back down like its supposed to after I had babies?
Him: I dunno…
Me: You DON’T KNOW??
Him: Well I never noticed a difference, but it’d make sense for it to be a tiny bit bigger, right?
Me: So great. ::arms folded:: You think I have a bigger vagina.
Him: No! I honestly can’t remember! Where the hell is this coming from? To who do I owe the pleasure of this conversation?
Me: My Canada friend. Well, her husband.
*& for the record, my vagina is still as small & wonderful as always. It’s the rest of me that’s shot to hell. Haha
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:20 am
@Valerie, HAAH…man, I’m losing in this bigger vagina solidartiy thing.
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I love how you write a post about your big flapping vagina, then come over to my blog to tell me it’s a delicate flower! Don’t think I didn’t make the connection! Just so you know, my vagina is not bigger. Mine is like an elastic and stretched right back into place…ya-ha, it did!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:20 am
@Sandra, What kind of dumbells do you use to strengthen the lips? How much can it press?
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—I don’t know why, but if Mr. L told me I had a big vagina, I’d be just as pissed off as if he had told me I had a big ass.
I don’t want a BIG VAGINA. I want a small one. & I want a small ass, too.
The question is: Why does BIG VAGINA sound negative?
But…. Big Penis sounds positive?
Sometimes I despise men!!!
But I love you, Kimberly. Xx
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:19 am
@My Inner Chick, I just keep telling him that his penis is shrinking. I think old age doest that to them.
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Great, I’ve always been paranoid I added a few rows to the old lady garden ifyoyknowwhatimean, and now I know I’m paranoid for good reason. You told me it would all go back to normal, Dr. Liar!!!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:18 am
@hollow tree ventures, Kegels? Do they actually work? Kids ruin everything.
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Great laugh…though not at your vagina. He walked into that convo and got what he deserved! LOL
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:13 am
@samijoe, Oh my poor vag. The internet will never look at it the same way.
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Well hell. I’ve shot 4 kids out of there. I’m screwed (no pun intended).
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:12 am
@Kimberly, HAHAHHA
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Normally I think Shawn is hilarious. I’m holding back judgement on this one. He might have dug himself a great big hole. Really? Support groups for stretched out vaginas? *smacks forehead*
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:12 am
@Ally, There actually are. He did google them and he showed me. I know, I’m so lucky.
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Maybe so, but it’s the only one he’s ever going to see, if you have anything to do with it.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:11 am
@Nancy, Oh Ill have everthing to do with ti
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My vagina is tight. No kids came out of it. There’s no support group for me.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 8th, 2012 at 9:10 am
@Mommakiss,Liar liar!
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Oh, this is Hee-larious! I don’t want to know how I’m “doing” down there so I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell. Yeah. I think we have a “Don’t Ask. Don’t Tell” vagina policy that’s working lovely.
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I had a C section so I have a tiny vagina. Or so I tell myself. I think sometimes men don’t realize that they are actually saying shit out loud and not just in their heads. Dummies. It will be a long time until he sees your giant vagina again.
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I shudder to think what my groom would say about my vagina. After birthing twins? With no recovery time between the the first out-shooting and the second? Oy vey.
But, hey, at least it’s not a clown car…like *some* peoples’.
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You know what I love about coming here, besides everything? The way you tell it all, baby.
I LOVED this.
Here’s my vagina story, whether you want to hear it or not:
I’m being stitched up after a 22 hour fucking delivery when my husband says to my male OB, “Hey, why don’t you put a couple of extra stitches in there. You know what I’m saying?”
And my male doc says, “I know exactly what you’re saying and no worries, I’ll take care of you. Heh-heh.”
The two of them got every curse word known to man flung at them. If my doc wasn’t piercing my va-jay-jay with a needle at that moment, I would have whipped my weary leg out of that stirrup and kicked him in the face.
Your Gina, I’m sure is as beautiful and tiny as you are. You’re right, it’s his penis that needs inflating.
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You know I had to ask my husband if I had a big V, too, right?! ROTFLMBO!!!
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Greaaaat. Now I have to hold a mirror down there and see how big it is after “shooting” 3 kids outta there.
Thanks for that. :000
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I was linking up at Finding the Funny when my post, “Size Matters” just happened to be linked next to your “Apparently I Have A Big Vagina.” I HAD to read it and am so glad I did. Super funny, and the hole he was digging deeper and deeper…as not your vagina.
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Oh my Gawd, I am dying! And I think I peed a little.. Vagina after three babies.. And yes, Shawn is an asshole, a big one, lol!
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You honestly might be crazy, both of you, but I had to laugh at the size of your respective parts…wait, I mean at this post…er something like that.
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Balls clapping because they finally scored??? Hysterical. I was totally dying reading this. Found you at finding the funny.
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