“Working in the ICU has taught me to appreciate each moment because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I’ve learned that life is too short to worry about mundane things. You have to live now and enjoy it while you can. If you want a good life, you have to choose to be happy. Know what I mean?”
Her words stung hotter than the sun on my back.
Condensation from the beer can dripped onto my chest. My free hand quickly wiped it away while I continued to keep the can pressed tightly against my lips.
She smoothed her loose strands of blond hair behind her ears and reached for the bowl of chips.
Her words still reverberating in my mind.
“If you want a good life, you have to choose to be happy.”
If only it was that simple.
A choice.
I don’t choose to be angry or depressed or anxious.
No one does.
I don’t wake up and conscientiously make a decision to roll out on the wrong side of ugly.
It’s a societal misconception that people with mental illnesses can snap out of our moods and just be happy.
It just doesn’t work that way.
How my bipolar disorder wants to manifest itself, highs or lows, is completely out of my control.
However, how I respond to it is.
I can take my medications.
I can can attend my doctor’s appointments regularly.
I can reach out to friends and family.
And I can make choices that will help me feel happy.
I choose to write…
I choose to scrapbook…
I choose to walk to the park in super slow motion so that I can listen to my son giggle as he stops to drop stones into every sewer grate we come across…
I choose to sit in the sun and dig my bare feet into the cool grass…
I choose to tell people about the time when Shawn tried to use a 15% off coupon on a pair of flip flops that only cost a dollar…
I choose to eat children’s cereal for breakfast…
I do all of these and more because I choose to seek refuge from pain, to lessen the blow, to help me keep one foot moving in front of the other but I had to make them happen.
I can’t wait for something, anything to change the course of my sometimes tumultuous path.
My happiness and stability won’t come all the way to me without work.
And some days, working at it is really hard.
“Kim. Kim. Kim,” she said as she stood up from her chair.
I placed the beer can back on the table and cleared my throat, “Kell if I could be happy, I would be.”
She straightened her shorts and smiled.
“Wanna go and dip your legs into the pool? You don’t mind if your hoo haw shows from under your dress do you?”
We both laughed.
I spent the remainder of the baby shower kicking my legs back and forth in the water.
I chose to do so, because I knew it would make me feel happy.
Even if the moment was fleeting, it was good moment nonetheless.
I didn’t choose this, but I choose to fight it.
Big hugs to you. I remember in the worst of my PPD crying because I WANTED so badly to be happy. I told my mom I had everything I could possibly want to be happy, and I just wasn’t. You are right; sometimes all you can do is fight for it.
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You and your honest writing will help educate others, my friend. I salute you for this. You are a fighter and a strong kick ass one at that too
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I choose to love you. xo
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Sometimes I just wish people would think before they talk
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Perfect. Yes. Fight, fight, fight. That’s the choice that matters.
And I love the coupon bit. That’s so my husband.
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I’m so sick of these muthafuckahs who think it’s that easy.
I’ve had tears in my eyes for days now. I caved and made a psych appointment only it’s 2 weeks out. This morning I called and asked for samples of the new drug I KNOW he’s going to start me on. They just called me back and he wants to see me at 1 today.
Hold me.
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Some people really don’t understand depression. They truly think that if you would just try to be happy you would be fine. These are the same people who think that eating disorders can be solved by just eating a sandwich already! Jesus! Just eat a damn doughnut and be done with it.
What I’m saying is some people are ignorant, in that they truly don’t understand or realize what mental illness IS. But your blog does a fabulous job of educating people, and education is exactly what is needed.
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Kim, you’re speaking so clearly to my anxious mind right now.
“I don’t choose to be angry or depressed or anxious.
No one does.”
“However, how I respond to it is.”
Such wisdom in this post. Thank you so much. I choose to go to yoga today to soothe my mind and my spirit. Thank you for your beautiful words today.
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Your choices are reflected here, and I hope you continue to have hoo-ha showing, pool dipping moments
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I adore you. I hope your hoo-haw stayed covered and you still got to be happy.
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Unless you’ve been touched or know someone who’s been touched, it just doesn’t make sense to people. That’s why it’s wonderful when people like you share and educate.
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The line that resonated most with me was this one: “And I can make choices that will help me feel happy.”
This is a reminder I really needed to read today. Thank you.
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I completely understand. Don’t people think if we had better control over these things that we would? Sigh, everday is a struggle. Keep your head up!
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You’re right. We SO don’t choose this life for ourselves. But we can choose to get and stay well.
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Great piece of writing regarding the secretive stigma surrounding mental illness. Do we tell people with cancer or diabetes to just get over their illnesses? No, there is a huge public movement for these people to seek treatment and support. As it should be for mental illness. You are not alone.
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Way to go! I think this is what this woman was trying to say. Happiness IS a choice. Sometimes we need to work harder to overcome the obstacles that are thrown in our path but that is the choice we make and congratulations on making it!!! Also, congratulations on recognizing how much work you put into it…something to be very proud of. Many people can’t rise to that level and you have!!
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…and patience. Patience is a choice as well. xo
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And that’s all you can do. I hate when people say you can “chose to be happy” because honestly it’s bull. Life can choose to give us a really bad hand and burying it all under a fake smile doesn’t cut it. Making the best out of what we’ve got is all we can do. Love to you.
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I never really looked at in the way of how we may not have control over certain things but we do have control over how we respond to them. I choose to do things that make me happy too & that definitely helps. xoxo
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What sage advice for others who may not feel like they have choices! well done Kim.
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It’s like you’re in my brain. Just this week I unfollowed FIVE people on pinterest because they pinned quotes that had to do with CHOOSING your attitude and being happy.
Like I CHOOSE to be a raging bitch because I have depression/anxiety flares.
Mother effers.
But I DO choose to do a million things that might help in the situation so that HOPEFULLY it won’t last long.
You can’t choose your feelings; you can only choose how you react to them.
love you long time.
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Beautiful, my friend. We can choose moments, little things every day. We find pieces of happiness. And I hope someday those pieces form a bigger kind of happiness for us.
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Beautiful post, as usual. Choose to keep fighting, friend.
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I love that you choose to fight and I think that is why I’m drawn to you. So proud of you for grasping for the good moments. Keep soaking up his laughter!
You really need to get your email connected so I can reply to you by email, missy! Long email coming your way. Consider yourself warned!
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Love the new CAMH commercials because they give that exact message. Essentially you hear the constant messages people generally say to those with depression … snap out of it etc. At the end of the commercial, the following text flashes on the screen: “No wonder so many people suffer in silence!”
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I admire your honesty so much. And this is just so, so true.. I never really understood depression until I experienced it myself. I used to be one of those “why can’t they just snap out of it?” people. After my daughter was born I experienced depression and anxiety (and still do), and I understand now. Sometimes, you just CAN’T. It’s like you’re a prisoner. You see life around you, but it’s muted and even if you’re desperately wanting to join in, you just. Can’t.
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I hate when people think you can just “snap out of it”. Makes me crazy.
This post is amazing. And honest. And so well written.
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Absolute wisdom in your post, Kim. I was just at a friend’s house the other day – someone I reconnected with after a very long stretch of time. We were talking about a mutual friend who is going through clinical depression.
She said, “Sometimes I just feel like telling him, ‘Snap out of it’, because he is just too much sometimes!”
I said, “As a person who has emotional problems, I can tell you that it is not possible for someone with clinical depression to “snap out of it”. I think she got it, to her credit, because she looked sad and sheepish. I really think it’s important to (selectively) “come out” as persons with emotional illness when we hear things like this, so that people are sort of “shocked out” of their ignorance. It’s like saying nothing when someone tells a racist or gay joke…
xoxox
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Perfectly said.
PERFECTLY SAID.
It IS “not the choice to be happy” but the “choice to fight it with all I got.”
HUGE BIG MAMMOTH difference.
You hit it on the head, woman.
xo
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Fabulous post. Nothing else to say. This one tugged at my heart, lovely Kimberly. LOVE you!
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thank you for bringing voice to what is often in my head, and you responded with far more grace than I might have in that situation. People who dont get it REAALLYY dont get it.
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I get so sick and tired of people saying it’s a choice. As if I would have chosen this?? Some days we CAN chose to be happy . . . others, there’s not a chance in hell. Thank you for this — so well said!
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people who say shit like that make me so angry. you were nice to dangle your feet in the pool with her after. i would’ve wanted to slap her.
i still hear that all the time from all kinds of people. grrrr.
thank you for putting this out there!
xoxoxoxo
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The biggest misconception that people have about those that suffer from any number of mental ailments (be it large or small) is that we can just put on a happy face and make the choice to be better.
My husband once famously said, “If you know you’re depressed, why don’t you just be happy?” If only it were that simple. Years later, he found himself on anti-depressants as well and realized his grave mistake.
Unfortunately, my MIL still watches the Cymbalta commercials and says to the TV, “if you’re depressed, just go take a walk!” I’m with Erin. I probably would have slapped her.
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Hell to the yes. I love you. You always seem to sum it up so powerfully.
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I laugh whenever I see the pins on pinterest saying “you are in charge of your own happiness”
Huh.
Thanks tips.
Somebody’s mother in law who was living in denial came up with that bullshit
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“And I can make choices that will help me feel happy.”
I love this line above. I deal with depression, anxiety, and recently diagnosed with OCD (obsessive, rampant unwanted thoughts). This is something I struggle with daily. I could choose to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself, or I can get up and put on a little makeup and go out to lunch. Take a walk in the sunshine. Play with my grandkids. I have to CHOOSE those actions, that will bring me some light and peace into my life, to dull the pain that is always there.
Such an awesome and transparent post. Thank you so much for sharing!
PS. I am going to bookmark for when I DON’T feel like choosing!
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****I didn’t choose this, but I choose to fight it.***
P O W E R F U L.
Kimmy, thru my darkness, people have said “You must choose to be happy or not.”
It is sooo eeeeeasy for them to say. Isn’t it?
I am fighting the fight.
every. single. day.
& I LOVE that you are fighting your demons, too.
THrilled to have you in this world, Dear.
Xxxxxx Hugz from MN.
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Awwww, momma. I get this. Completely. It really is about how we respond to certain situations that can make all the difference in the world.
Dealing with depression (which I’ve only just recently admitted to having) and anxiety has been very life-affirming, even if it’s something I’d much rather deny is a part of my life. But at the same time: I want to live. Even if I don’t always start every morning happy, I can do things throughout the day that bring excitement to my life.
Because we only live once, right? I’m so glad to see you are enjoying the beauty of a moment. Love this post and love reading your words, always. XOXO
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Your posts always make me want to give you a hug! Sending positive thoughts your way.
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“I didn’t choose this, but I choose to fight it.” – And that’s power. You inspire me everyday. xo.
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Yes. I’m trying to come up with something to say other than yes, but that’s all I’ve got.
Oh,and you are my hero. I know of no one who works harder to make the best of an impossible situation. Love you.
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You are awesome, you know that? I love your honesty and your willingness to share the challenges you face and the strength it takes to make the choices you do!
I *had* a friend who is bi-polar. We aren’t friends anymore because he decided that having friends was too difficult and he being alone was easier. He didn’t take his meds because he didn’t like how they made him feel. He didn’t like doctors. He didn’t want anything to do with “outside help”. He figured he could do it all on his own, without support. I worry about him. It’s been three years since I’ve heard anything about him. But I pray that he’s getting help in spite of how he used to feel about it.
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You are a strong woman and a great fighter. Keep it up.
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I love that you chose to play in the water. Beautiful post.. I’m in the middle of a med change and happy is … Hard. xo
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It’s an awfully important reminder that some people cannot get up in the morning and “choose” to be happy, even if it’s what they want more than anything in the world. Your choice to fight it with all you have just shows how amazingly strong you really are. Actually the thought of sitting pool side and kicking my feet in the water makes me smile
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Choosing to fight sort of is choosing to be happy isn’t it? You might not have chosen the bad stuff, but choosing the good is much more powerful anyway:)
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Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you. You are so strong. There are brighter days ahead my friend, I am proof. Keep your chin up. Miss you. xoxoxo
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Yup, it’s hard work to be happy, sometimes even if you’re just in a crappy mood, but ESPECIALLY if you’re dealing with mental illness. As if we don’t have enough to struggle with, without people acting like we’re doing it to ourselves, right?
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As someone who is depressed, I know the work it takes to function. I also know that there are specific times when it requires a little forcing on my part. Like dipping your legs in a cold pool.
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If only it were that simple, right? But you are choosing to do things that you know will help in that moment. xo
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It’s each moment cobbled together. That’s the best we can do.
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