Water rolled off my bare skin forming a puddle on the floor as I stood in front of the new top I had hung on the door.
I remember immediately loving it the moment I had put it on.
The soft fabric fell perfectly on my body, hugging each curve and the burnt orange complimented my sun kissed skin.
Skin.
My stomach knotted as I instinctively slid my hand down my arms and the tops of my thighs, feeling the sting as I passed over etched lines and burns.
What have I done?
I unraveled my hair from the towel and pushed it tightly against my face and began to cry.
“Are you almost done in there?” he shouted through the door.
I lifted my head, cleared my throat and said, “Almost.”
I grabbed the top and eased my arms through the neck of the top.
I smoothed out the wrinkles and twirled around the room inspecting every angle in the mirror.
If I keep my arms down they won’t see them.
I’ll say I burnt my arm on the BBQ.
*******
The city lights sparkled like mini fire flies as we drove over the hill to the main street.
“You look beautiful babe. All sassy. You plan on picking up tonight?”
I laughed as I reached to tame fly away strands whipping from the wind coming in through the open window.
My bangles clanked and he looked over.
“Are those new?”
I quickly readjusted them on my arm.
“Did you…Did you do it again?”
I bowed my head in embarrassment.
“When?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well I do. When?”
“I don’t know.”
“Kim. When? Why did you?”
“I didn’t know what to do. It was all too much. I just needed the anger out.”
“You talk to me when you feel like that. Hear me?”
“You weren’t home Shawn!” I yelled.
He shook his head and sighed.
“I feel helpless,” he said solemnly.
I felt his hand reach for mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
I turned up the radio to divert the conversation.
I wished that I never wore that shirt.
I wished that I didn’t do this to myself.
I wished I knew how to fix this.
Oh I want to cry over this, over the struggle that you have to go through with your own mind every day. Wish I could be there too, just as I’m sure so many do.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:55 am
@Jessica, Thank you so much Jessica. When I finally meet you I am holding you up to a giant hug…and a beer. xo
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O, I did cry over this. It is hard for me to see the struggle. Wish you find soon something to make you feel better, all the time.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:55 am
@Lola, Thank you so so much Lola.
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Oh Kim, I’m so sorry you have to fight your own brain like this. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:54 am
@angela, I’m on a brain transplant list. Oh…they don’t have a such thing….damn.
Thank you so much for being a wonderful friend though all of this. xo
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This is one of those times that I truly wish duct tape fixed everything. I would patch you up and hug you whole. Thinking of you!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:53 am
@Angelia Sims, Ah this is the chuckle I needed. Duct tape. Oh how I wish too. xoxo
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Sweetheart, you are far too wonderful to come to any harm. I am crying for you and your struggles. I so hope the L word will help you come through this and find steady happiness
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:53 am
@Deborah / Mom2Michael, I’m hoping that it will work too. We are still in the adjustment period I suppose. I just wished that it worked faster
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I wish I could be there with you. I don’t know what to do but I can hug the shit out of you and you can lay your head on my lap and we can talk. Right? xo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:51 am
@Alison, I wish that you could be here too Alison. I really do. We’d stay in PJ’s all day and let Chunky and Monkey run amok. xoxo
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Oh dear. I’m a mess reading about this. I can’t offer you anything but the best… I will be praying for you Kim. You are too special, too wonderful to have this happening to you. *Hugs*
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:51 am
@Jennifer, I appreciate your prayers so much. Thank you xoxo
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I think your honesty about it on this blog is still a positive in the whole thing. I’m not sure you would have confessed this so readily a while back. Big hugs and bigger hugs!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:50 am
@Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell, Thank you so much Liz xo
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Kim, I know you and how strong you are.
Stay strong, don’t judge yourself and remember: you have won this fight before, you have beat much more before: NEVER GIVE UP.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:50 am
@Alexandra, I keep repeating the quote on the fridge that you had sent me last year….try again tomorrow. Always tomorrow. xoxo
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Can’t say it better than Alexandra … NEVER GIVE UP!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:49 am
@Karyn Climans, Thank you Karyn. I won’t xox
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I haven’t self harmed since February. I want to do it everyday. The main thing keeping me from doing it is my husband and the anger he projects on me when he finds out I did it. It’s sad when that’s your only reason.
I understand Kim…
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:49 am
@Pamela Gold, I’m sorry you understand Pam. I haven’t done it for a long while but the emotions were too intense an dI needed them out. I am always aftraid of Shawn’s reaction because it devestates him. It makes him feel like he’s not helping…when that’s not the case. And no matter how much I tell him he just doesn’t get it. And then he’ll get pissed.
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I want to hug you even though I know that would likely not do much. Today, sure maybe it might help a little, but I wish there was something I could do long-term, something real and tangible and meaningful. I will repeat Karyn who repeated Alexandra: NEVER GIVE UP.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:48 am
@Arnebya, This comment? Is more than enough. Seriously. I am so blessed that you are thinking of me and reaching out through your words. Thank you xoxo
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I know this struggle. I know it so well. Everyday is a struggle. Its an addiction so hard to fight. A daily battle with yourself. Those times you want to let everything out… you remember the feeling, the release. Sigh. I understand. I haven’t done it since March. But it has been an off and on battle for 9 years. Hug.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:42 am
@Kim, It is such a terrible vicious cycle. You feel better then you realize what you’ve done then you feel worse and then you think about doing it again….awful. I hadn’t done it in months…but the pain was too unbearable. Fuck I hate being weak.
I’m so glad that you haven’t done it since March. I pray that you keep strong and I’m sorry if this post triggered you in anyway. xo
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Kim Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 11:11 am
@Kimberly, your strength in being able to psot this and share is beyond amazing. So, weak? You are not. The cycle fucking blows. Hate it. I am glad you have gone months without doing it. This? Just a little bump. It was not a trigger. I have been struggling with the urge all week. It has been a very emotionaly challenging week. One day, thins will be easier for us. One day, we will find balance and control. Until then? One minute at a time. Hug!
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You’ll beat this, I know you will. One day at a time, one day at a time…
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:40 am
@Diane, Thanks you so much for the encouragement Diane xoxo
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Kim, I am virtually hugging you so hard. Sending you my love and support.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:40 am
@Jenny, THank you so much Jenny. xoxo
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I had lunch recently with a close friend of mine who had been going through a phase of burning herself with matches (she is bipolar.) She told me that she had stopped doing it for several weeks now.
This can be overcome! But you must be so very tired, fighting all the time.
Sending you love,
Janet
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:39 am
@Janet, Janet, I wish that you were sitting right here in my living room with me. I really do. Mostly I just want to hug you for being such an amazing source of strength.
You’re a dear friend xoxo
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Oh honey. I love you so much. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:38 am
@Nicole, I love you too Nicole. Thank you so much for being there for me and not running for the hills…unless you’re going to fetch me some beer….xoxo
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Oh, Kim…I have no idea what you’re going through, so I have no words of wisdom to offer. All I can say is that you make this world a better place for all of us. You and your beautiful spirit are a blessing in this world. Hugs, my friend.
Laura
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:38 am
@Laura Wright @ The ODD Mom, Oh Laura, you’re making me cry. Thank you so so so much friend. xoxo
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Like Laura, I have no real understanding of what you’re going through. I only know I wish you well and lots of hugs.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:37 am
@Eva Gallant, And I will take every last one of those hugs.
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I wish I knew how to help you fix this but since I don’t I’ll offer you my support instead.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:37 am
@Jess, And that means the world to me xoox
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I cry.
call me!
text me!
email me!
Whatever it takes!
Please… reach out to me!
I love you.
You are my best friend forever… FOREVER!!!!
xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:36 am
@Mimzy Wimzy, You are a wonderful friend. You really are xoxo
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My heart aches for you and it aches for Shawn because I know he feels helpless. Like so many of your readers I wish I could do something, say something – anything. All I can say is keep putting it in words. That is your gift. And reach out to those that are close to you. You are loved.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:36 am
@Ally, I think that this is the hardest part in this…hurting the ones I love. I don’t intentionally do this to make them feel bad (I know that you didn’t imply that)…I just don’t know how to cope with the intense emotions. I try so hard to hide them. I have to keep telling him that it’s not his fault and that he’s doing everything he can to help me, but I just see that look of devestation in his eyes. I feel terrible.
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Sounds like all the times I got “scratched by the cat,” and made wardrobe choices bases on skin coverage. I’m sorry. I wish I knew the fix. I haven’t done it in ages, but I still get the urge sometimes, just like my body sometimes still begs for a drag on a smoke – I’m resisting, for now, but you never know when the trigger will come. I suspect I will always be waiting.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:35 am
@hollow tree ventures, Thank you so much for understanding. I wish that you didn’t know though….people don’t understand why we do this. It’s not for attention. Lord, I’ve done it in places no one will see…but I got carried away the one day. It’s a vicious cycle of doing it and feeelng relief and then feeling the guilt afterwards which makes it that much harder on us. HUGS.
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Everyone’s struggle is different, but I do know at least somewhat how you’re feeling. I haven’t cut myself in almost ten years, though, so it can get better. You may still have the scars, like I do, but they will just remind you of how far you’ve come one day. (I hope this doesn’t sound condescending. I don’t mean it to.)
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:33 am
@Sanstrousers, Oh it doesn’t sound mean at all. THank you so much for sharing that. I know it’s hard to admit doing this. So so hard. I feel so ashamed of myself. Knowing that you overcame this is wonderful. I haven’t done it in a long while but the emotional pain has been extremely overwhelming.
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Sanstrousers Reply:
July 27th, 2012 at 9:42 am
@Kimberly, Don’t feel ashamed. You slipped, and it happens. I still have the thoughts sometimes. You just have to admit you made a mistake, and try your damndest to deal with the underlying issue that’s causing you to do it. Tough times don’t last, but tough people do. And I can tell you’re tough people.
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Kim, please tell me this wasn’t recently?! Do I need to buy a direct line from you to me? I know that it’s hard for you every. single. day. and I’m sorry that you go through that and I wish that I could do something more than hurt for you. I wanna take this dumb shiz away! Seriously. I wish there was a fix. Know that there are people who love you even though we’ve never met you. Maybe you need my cell number to text me. (Are there extra charges to text Canadians, ay?)
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:32 am
@Dawana, My Canadian cell company is terrible. They literally rape you if you call the US. No lie.
Yes, this was recently. I’m just at a pointe where I don’t know what to do to get the anger out of my system. It’s an awful way of doing it. Sigh. Thank you so much for being a wonderful friend thorugh all of this. xoxo
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It’s so freakin’ HARD when we get like that, isn’t it? We don’t THINK much about reaching out at those times, tho’ we know there are many who care, who would listen, who would (and DO) LOVE. But there’s no reasoning for it because Bipolar isn’t a REASONABLE disorder. It’s a big pain in the ass. It’s a FOREVER pain in the ass. However, I BELIEVE the Lithium will kick in soon, and work with your other meds. I believe in YOU. In all of us who struggle just to do what we do. I love you, Kimmy! (You know that, right?) And I AM here for you. I promise!
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:30 am
@Kai, I don’t know why it is so hard to reach out to othe rpeople during these times. I feel that now, my IRL people are tired of the same old same old. It’s easier to retreat than to reach out. Plus they just don’t understand. One friend dissmissed my “depression” as nothing more than being off from work and it’s a cloudy day so you can’t go outside and tan.
Yea. That conversation happened.
Love you too Kai. You’re a great friend xoxo
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Kim,
I often don’t read blogs until the evening often shaving your posts for last or next to last because I always enjoy them so much. They make me smile and I love going to bed in a good mood. You do that for people with your writing!
Now, I know I can’t sleep. I am worried and I am wishing I could do something for you. Know that I am here for you (as are all your friends and readers) and thinking of you always.
xo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:28 am
@Susan, I am so sorry Susan. I wish I could run up to TO and give you a squeeze for never giving up on me. I promise that I’ll be back to being me…some bloody day…soon hopefully.
Again, thank you for being there xoxo
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I understand. And you can always, always, always talk to me.
Massive hugs from me.
It will be okay, it will. Love you.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:26 am
@Mirjam, Thank you so much Mirjam…I sort of curled up into an impenetrable (I don’t even know if I spelled that right) ball…I know I should reach out when things get like this. Thank you for being there for me. xo
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Hi
All sorts of words are bubbling out of me, and all sorts of love. The words are Scriptures that help me when I’m close to that place (not in it the same way, but close to it) but I won’t share those unless you give me permission to.
But the love – let it bubble over and foam across the seas and wrap you in a big bubbly hug that will lift your soul into a giddy place.
If that’s possible.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:25 am
@Lady Jennie, Yes, you can absolutely share them with me. You’re comment really touched my heart. So beautiful. Thank you for being a wonderful friend through all of this xoxo
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I read your words. My heart sank. I’m NOT disappointed. I’m sad. Sad that you have to keep fighting. I scanned the comments. You are loved by many. Really, really loved.
You are strong, Kim.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:24 am
@Tayarra, Thank you Tayarra…I am so ashamed of what I do. In the moment I’m not thinking about it. I’m thinking of how to get it out. I’m sad that I ever started doing that.
xo
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Oh Kim, how you write your heart.
I’m here, I love you, keep writing.
xo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:23 am
@Galit Breen, Thank you so much Galit xoxo
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You are fixing it.
You’re getting closer everyday.
I’m proud of you.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:23 am
@Leighann, ANd you are helping me each vagina joke along the way xoxo
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I have deep scars on the back of my neck.
It’s just…hard.
love.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:22 am
@Katie, I’ve tried my best to hide them because I’m ashamed of them. FML
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I want to reach out and give you a big hug. I used to cut, too but I realised I needed to give that up. I sure hope you find some new release soon. )’:
P.S. It hurts the people you love twice as much, every time they see you hurt yourself.
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:20 am
@M. Venom, I know it does. I know it makes him feel worse…which in turn makes me feel so ashamed and guilty for doing it. It’s a vicious cycle.
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You are so brave and so strong. Never ever forget it. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
July 26th, 2012 at 10:19 am
@Melissa, Thank you so so much Melissa. I really appreciate it xo
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Sweetheart. I’m sorry. You are incredible. Like it or not, believe it or not, you are. Xoxo
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——Kimberly,
If I lived closer, I’d bring you chocoate chip cookies and hugs and kisses and lots of wine.
Love Love love. Xxxxx
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I am so, so sorry. I’ve never met anyone with more strength and honesty. You will get through this. Because you have to.
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Oh Kim I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
A friend of mine used to cut in high school & I never took it seriously. We never talked about it. I never asked. I didn’t know any better back then. I wish I took it more seriously years ago & wish I could have been educated on this & a better friend at the time.
Months ago when I found your blog, I gained a much better understanding of this & I know better now. I pointed him to your blog as he didn’t know anyone else who has gone through this & he found comfort in knowing he wasn’t alone. With your openness & honesty you are helping others.
Thinking of you Kim & wish you only the best.
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My husbands response is to shut down. He has no idea how to handle it, and I totally understand why. It scares him because it seems like such a strange thing to do…because he’s never felt that urge or the release.
Thank you for writing this. I scanned the comments and feel so less alone, now. I haven’t been able to post about my self harm experiences yet but my family and my therapist know. Its a fairly new experince for me and im still working through thr shame…so to hear that bloggers i know have fought the same fight? Well, it helps. It makes me feel a little braver.
Though I still look at knives longingly at times, I haven’t used them in 2 months. For me, it’s not about anger. It’s about control. Stupid OCD.
Anyway. Sorry for the typos. I’m on my phone. Jut had to chime in, send my love, and tell you I get it. So I’m here if you need me.
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Oh, Kimberly. You’re so brave. So beautiful and honest. Really, lovely — and you’re so deeply cared about, too, by so many people who don’t even know you. I care about you too.
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Ah chica, I wish only warm and good things for you. xoxoxoxo Dawn
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Oh my heart aches for you but I echo everyone here because they are all so right, you are a fighter, a trooper and you are strong. Sending you a big giant hugs.
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My heart hurts. I love you, my young friend. Please know that a lot of people love you. XOXOs
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Oh hun! I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’ve been caught up in this whole working thing and my laptop died on me, then we bought a new one and it crapped out too. I haven’t been keeping up with reading my favorite blogs, but tonight I just read your most recent post here from my work computer and wanted to write you to tell you I’m thinking of you and wishing I could do something to help. I’m sending tons of hugs and positive thoughts your way. I’ve never done self-harm so I have no idea what you are going through. I just want you to know that I care about you. xoxoxoxo
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My heart hurts reading this too. I don’t visit here nearly often enough and I won’t pretend to know what to say except that you are one strong woman who has an incredible community of supporters rallying around you. Keeping you in my thoughts.
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Oh Kim. I’m sorry. For all of it. Everything and all of it. I love you. Please just don’t give up on yourself. Please, please, please. That’s the main thing. Just know that if this minute doesn’t work out as you had planned, you’ve got the next one. All my love, Katherine
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Sometimes it all feels like too much. And then that moment passes and another takes its place and it is okay again. Hang on for the okay moments, you hear? They will come. Let the shroud of support from these moms here be your salve.
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Sweetie,
I know I don’t know you very well and everyone tells you they understand and wish you better. I have been where you are at ( maybe not in the same form) but I too suffer from BP. I understand the struggle and pain of it, the all consuming nothing is ever going to feel right again hurt of it. But it will, maybe not today or tomorrow but someday. I know someday sometimes feels like a lifetime away but I am telling you from experience, I’ve reached someday and it gets better. You are in my thoughts and my prayers and I am here is you need to talk. I will listen. I will not try to fix. I will just listen. truthfulmommy@gmail.com
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Thank you so much for your honesty. I just wanted to let you know that your sharing is wonderful and inspiring for people (like me) who are a few steps behind you on this journey… xoxo
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I wish I could fix it for you too.
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Oh Kimmy, thank you for sharing such a personal part of your journey. This is part of reaching out, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all wish we could take the pain away, really…we love you dear friend.
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Ah hun, I wish I could offer you more than just big squishy virtual hugs . . . sadly that seems to be all that I have got.
For me hitting something helps to release the anger . . . for so long I was terrified that it was going to be one of my kids. Luckily, after punching a wall very hard, I found kickboxing . . . a healthy outlet. Maybe, just maybe, it could help you to release those overwhelmingly intense emotions.
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God I’ve missed your blog Kim. You are one gorgeous lady… mwah xxx
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Damn. Alexandra took my words. She always knows what to say!
I love that you share so intimately all that you are feeling. It makes me feel so close to you because I understand this sometimes all too well. Please know you are never alone. I’m thinking about you and know you have the strength to get through the worst of times. XOXO
and extra big *HUGS*; hope you don’t mind, I like to squeeze.
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obviously like your website however you need to test the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very bothersome to tell the truth then again I will certainly come back again.
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