No one warned me about the “look back”
The second day of school, I watched as the teacher had to pull my son into class.
The third day of school, the teacher had to pull me out of class when Chunky did ugly wail with snot pouring into his nose.
The fourth day of school, he stomped his feet and shouted that he hated it, grabbed onto my leg for dear life.
The teacher approached us and said, “Mom, just go. Just walk away. It hurts. I’ve had four of them so I understand. You just need to drop him off and trust us. We’ll do the best we can at comforting him. Just walk away.”
I knelt down beside him and told him that he was going to have a better day.
I wiped the tears from his rosy cheeks and pressed my hand over his heart.
IÂ promised him that no matter where I am, I will always be right in there.
I also promised him full access to Daddy’s Hot Wheels collection.
His sobs slowed just enough for him to catch his breath.
The teacher put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Time to go Mom.”
I leaned in, gave him a kiss and said, “I love you. You are going to do really good today.”
I guided him to the line up.
He anxiously clasped the straps on his backpack and then he marched into the school without being dragged.
And just like the teacher told me I walked away.
I didn’t hear him crying so I turned to see how he made it.
That’s where it went wrong.
Chunky looked back at the same time as me.
We locked eyes.
He stared right into my soul.
It whispered…
“Yea, you enjoy your fucking pumpkin spice latte and ginger molasses cookie at Starbucks. Don’t mind me, I’ll be here for 6 hours slaving away playing airplanes and trying not to cry when I ask the teacher to let me go home and she says that I can’t. She works me to the bone Momma. The bone. You think this is fun? I’m sure you do. You have no idea about the things that go on in there. Like story time. I’ve read those books already.  PS. You pack too much fruit. Does it look like I’m constipated? Do you want me to have to take a poop at school? You’ve scarred me for life. Life Momma.”
Then he cried.
I turned quickly and walked away with the dead weight of guilt resting heavily on my shoulders as his screams echoed down the street.
Then I made out with Starbucks.
It made me feel better.
Until I had heartburn.
I’m fairly certain that while the other kids are busy spreading germs, Chunky is performing voodoo with the creepy doll with the yarn hair.
So to all of you Mom’s out there who are having a hard time getting your child to go to school, drop your kid off and just walk away.
Don’t do the “look back”.
So you plan on sleeping in on Saturday? Yea, that’s a funny joke.
You’ll thank me later.
::How long did it take for your child to transition into school?
::Do you have any tips you’d like to share?
::Help. Me
Don’t forget that Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday is a weekly meme. Grab the badge in the side bar and link up your confession. Yes, I know that I’ve really slacked lately.
Only advice I can give you is… imagine him at 30 and living in your basement because neither of you could cut the cord. Hope that helps.
You’re welcome.
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I have no advice. I’ll be one of those moms the teacher will have to pry off my child. Sigh.
Just know that it won’t be like this forever.
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The cling to the legs is the worst. And after reading this post, I am SO glad I never looked back. Yikes! Hang in there Chunky.
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When I started taking my youngest to nursery school 3 days per week, he would cry and cling to me. The teacher assured me that as soon as I was gone, he was fine. I was sure she was lying. When I told my husband how it was killing me to leave him at the nursery school because of his crying, at dinner that night he said, “Jason, what’s this I hear about you giving Mommy a hard time about going to school. If I hear that again, I may have to spank your bottom.”
The next day, when I dropped him off, he said, “See you later, Mom,” and never shed another tear! Apparently it was all an act. While I’m sure your Chunky’s tears are genuine, my Jason was being a little shit!
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I’m not usually one to give advice, but I’m actually writing about separation anxiety and how we dealt with it over on my blog today. I mean, I’m writing about it right now, so it’s not there yet…but soon. It does get better, I swear to you.
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Hmmmm. Here are my convoluted thoughts that hopefully have some helpfulness within:
My second took awhile to transition to daycare, she was fine once I had left but the drop off when they are screaming is the worst – no matter how genuine the reassurances, it is hard when that is the last vision of them, to convince ourselves they weren’t miserable all day. It helped that she was always so happy at pickup – not just to see me, but I mean I could tell had a good day, if that makes sense.
When I talk about adjusting to life after baby or life back to work from MLA, I tell newbie moms – it seems to take about three months to settle into the new routine. Some people, some kids hate change – sometimes all we can do is give them time to adjust. Sucks thT we can’t control tome, but there it is.
My second who is remarkably easy-going, had daycare issues (different one than I now have) while in SK, bc on her days off school the daycare was making her nap when she wasn’t tired. It became increasingly intense and exhibited as anxiety. I needed her to stay bc was only a few months shy of having my second and no longer needing daycare for a year. To switch to a new one wouldn’t have made sense. It broke my heart. She was older like your son – ie not like trying to reason with a toddler – and I am not above bribery! So I told her daycare (in his case, school) was her job. She needed to go, non-negotiable. But I would pay her with stickers, coins etc. as her “salary”. After all, we may hate our jobs but get the reward of salary. So maybe you could give him little treats – I said bribery, but is really more reward – kind of like potty training, lol.It doesn’t work for everyone but did for us, and once her anxiety diminished she didn’t need them anymore ( I also addressed the issue at daycare level, but that isn’t relevant to your situation).
What I didn’t do, bc she didn’t miss me (that wasn’t her anxiety cause) but maybe would help with your son, is to send him with a special picture of you that he can look at when he is sad or lonesome? Or if that is too much of a trigger, then a special token or something? And he could know you have same one too?
Also, I would send my daughter notes on her lunch. She couldn’t read – the teacher read them to her, when she openned her lunch. I found that can help with separation too. It is hard on the little tykes, to understand why everything is different and how to cope. Them knowing we are always there by reminders of pictures and notes or “special” lunches can help. Oooh and also – you could have as a special reward, if he is good at drop off Mon-Thurs, you will pick him p for lunch on Friday? Of course he has to know he will go back, but my eldest loves when I pick her up for lunch rather than staying at school. Can come home or go to a quick fast food meal. Either way, it helps break up the day and makes the time between seeing us shorter.
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It was so traumatic for me at drop off the first time she went to daycare after my mat leave I had Brian do it.
Lawd help me when she goes to school.
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Ugh. Heartbreaking.
The only thing I can say is that you do have to just walk away. Do all the “you’ll be great, I love you” stuff before you go inside and then just drop him off. If you stick around I think it probably makes both of you feel worse. I left Connor wailing at a day camp and it lasted all of 4 minutes after I left.
Sounds like has a great teacher and she totally understands that he needs some support. Have you asked her how he does after you leave and throughout the day? I’m sure he’s adjusting and it will make you feel better to know that.
And like everything else… this too shall pass.
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NEVER look back. Sorry sister, but that’s a rookie mistake.
We definitely have our days where M clings to my leg (kills me!), but they are not always. Over the years I’ve become somewhat adjusted. A few reassuring words on the way in, then a quick kiss, hug and good-bye. Then run. Without ever looking back. Be strong. Keep moving. Try to ignore the sounds behind you. Promise to wave at the window if that’s an option.
It sucks.
But you and he will both adjust. And he will make great friends. And he will have fun. And you will go home and poop in peace.
Honestly. It gets better.
xo
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And this is why Cort does ALL DROP OFFS. Because I am the weakest link in this family when it comes to saying goodbye.
Also? Thank GOD I teach high schoolers. They don’t cry at all when they get dropped off. In fact, I have to shove them out the door at the end of the day. GO HOME!
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Don’t do the look back. Only bad things will come of it. I went through this with my oldest and just know that it will get better, for both of you. It absolutely sucks now, but it will ease up.
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Yep, looking back is not a good idea. When I drop ‘Timan’ off I leave as quickly as possible. In the first week he was crying but the teachers told me he stopped after a couple of minutes. In the second week he was still crying when I left but in the third week he was going to his chair all smiling and started talking to his friends.
His friends and the action going on at school are actually the main reason he adjusted quickly to the new situation. This will happen with Chunky too, you’ll see, just give him time.
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I was lucky. None of my kids ever cared that I was leaving them… hmm… maybe they didn’t like me even back then? Whatever, anyways… I did work in day care & preschool. I do babysit in my home. It is always harder on the Mom. You feel guilt. Not to downplay what Chunky is feeling or to say he isn’t sad/scared I do believe, like his teacher said, it is best for you to walk him to the door, hug him & kiss him, tell him you love him & you can’t wait to see him after school and hear about all the fun he had… then walk away. Don’t look back. It will get better. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. At least by the time he goes off to college, he will be over it. xoxo
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Ugh. So my son is totally fine with being dropped off, but my daughter screams so much when I put her in the nursery, it sounds like she is in severe pain. So much so that the nursery workers came to get me to take her back. Have no idea what to do with this one. Hoping it gets better for you soon…
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Ah, Chunky, my heart hurts for you. Especially about the fruit. Sheesh, Mom, get a clue. Pooping at school ain’t cool.
LOL
LOVED this post. We’ve all been there…some of us centuries ago. Leaving our kids with the teacher while guilt overwhelms us.
You done good, my friend. And Chunky is a little trooper!
HUGsss
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Ahh, this brakes my heart!! I don’t have any advice-I haven’t gone through the full days at school yet but I do hear that it gets better
Hang in there! Hugs xoxo
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***Chunky looked back at the same time as me.
We locked eyes.
He stared right into my soul.***
Looooooove loooove your writing, Kimberly.
don’t worry, it will get better. Xxxx Seriously.
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Can I say this? Your Chunky is one sensitive little boy. He knows how much happiness he has brought into your life when your skies were otherwise stormy. The only advice I can give you is to talk to him about how well your day went while he was at school. (even if you have to make it up! because we all have those days that aren’t so rosy) Let him know that YOU ARE OKAY while he’s at school. It may just be normal separation anxiety. Or he may have a little extra because he’s afraid you won’t be “happy” without him. Let him know you can be. Yes, you are really happy to see him at the end of the day, but you did okay while he was gone. Tell him a cool story about something you did, someone you talked to or something you saw – while he wasn’t there. Really, that’s healthy for ANY parent-child relationship. You two have a special relationship, and you always will so hug him tight and tell him how you made out with Starbucks
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Oh Lord, I can so relate. My son went through a rough time too for two weeks. Heck, some days he still says he doesn’t want to go to school! I can’t offer any smart advice but I know how you feel, Mama. Hang in there.
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My 6 year old is changing schools on Tuesday. After making all her friends at her old school for three years. I am so scared for her. She is not impressed when I tell her no matter what I will be her friend. I guess Mommies don’t count. I also have a third grader. I will rain on your parade, so far it has not gotten easier. I feel like an asshole every time I see their tiny legs with their giant backpacks walking off alone. So yeah, good luck with that.
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I giggled throughout this, but had to burst out laughing at the pooping at school. That’s one thing I will say Z has no issue with: that boy will poop wherever the poop hits him. And yeah, don’t look back. I learned the hard way too. It sends the message that you want to get him and run home just as bad as he wants to run to you and tell you about how they play the same damn songs over and over and no, actually, he will not put his left foot in and shake it all about.
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Ack that look back is the WORST! Brayden has done pretty well with preschool drop off until last Thursday he had a total meltdown. It was tough, but he did great within a few minutes they said. Hang in there. It HAS to get easier, right?
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Rituals. Always try to do the same thing when saying goodbye. It is the moment of saying goodbye that the find the hardest. So figure out a a ritual to do every morning with him. He will know exactly when the moment of saying goodbye is there. Keep it short and clean. ( You may cry when you’re around the corner.)
Example: when I take my youngest to preschool, we make a puzzle together, then we have cuddle time and then she waves at the window and leave. xo
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I knew he’d get better. And now maybe you can enjoy the latte in peace
xoxoxo
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