Chunky’s laughter is echoing through the storm window where the sun’s final rays are beaming through and warming my chilled nose.
I wonder how long it’s going to be before we kick on the furnace to chase away the nip in the air.
I take a swig from my wine glass that’s nestled in between a stack of disability papers and continuing education forms.
There are lists that I’ve had to create because my anxiety has been stealing my sanity for weeks like a God damned pirate.
I get sick when I look at the tasks I need to do.
In all honesty, they’re mostly unimportant things like “Clean the basement bathroom” and “Bring the basket of toys to Goodwill” and “Fill out Chunky’s book order form”.
Then I have a list that tells me what time I should wake up on Chunky’s school days and the time to leave the house so there is no confusion about how long it takes to walk there.
Go ahead and laugh.
Shawn does.
But these mundane things crawl under my skin every hour of every single day.
If I don’t write a list, I’m left scrambling trying to remember what I was doing and if I fed the dog.
Sad really.
Red is my girlfriend tonight.
It’s warmth in a glass.
And an anti-I-give-up-this-week.
Right now I take it as needed which is pretty much every evening.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Alcohol is bad.
Which is why I’m taking another sip.
I can see Chunky’s legs zip by the window now. Kid has been in school all day long and still has the energy to take over the world. I envy that. I wonder if I had that much energy?
If I ask my Mom, I’m sure she would die laughing.
We were all born with super charged batteries. I’m sure of it.
However, mine was bought at a dollar store.
But an expensive one that makes you pay a buck seventy five for a pack of knock off swiffer sweeper pads and you think to yourself “Hmm..this is $1.75. I don’t know about that. Seems a little steep.”
Do you ever do that?
No?
Do you ever consider buying socks there?
No?
Right now I do.
Because for some reason, the computer room is always the coldest room in the house, even during the hottest dog days of summer. Often you’ll find me curled into a ball wearing my over sized Roots sweater that shows it’s age in the numerous holes around the cuffs of the sleeves. They’re just the perfect size to poke my thumbs through and to keep them from traveling up my arm.
The sweater is threaded with memories of stains and grease and paint from the time when we demolished our basement.
Yes, it is hideous.
But it’s fucking comfortable.
It’s home to me.
Safe.
I had an incredibly depressing post slated for today, however, this one seems to be taking the cake and a side order of a pint of ice cream.
And that’s ok.
We are all allowed to diarrhea our words to the world because we own our own little spaces.
Some people do that more than others.
Why are you looking at me?
Why are you thinking “Kim wrote this all alone, yet she’s having a full on conversation with who? The keyboard?”
And you’re correct.
I’m also talking to this glass of wine.
We will just overlook the obvious…
Kim has lost her marbles.
That’s me.
Don’t worry.
I’m hunting them down.
You can always talk to me. Love you. xo
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
@Alison, Love you friend. xoxo
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Best. Photos. Ever.
You go girl.
And I get it about the lists.
I do it.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
@Nancy, I’m so glad that I’m not the only list maker!
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You’ll find the marbles. Just put it on a list. (I have lots of lists, too. Too many, according to certain people who live with me, and we KNOW the kids don’t care . . . ) Also? Sweaters you can pull your thumbs through are my favorite.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
@angela, I call it the cock blocker becuase it’s the most ugliest sweater ever. But I can curl up my entire body into it.
YEs, marbles is on the top of the list
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Only you can make depression sound funny!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
@Karyn Climans, If I didn’t, I’d scare people away.
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You sound pretty sane to me – you have all your marbles, but maybe they’re just a bit scattered right now -
xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
@Janet, Oh Lordy Janet, I’m seriously having a rough go. My head is running off of Dunkin Donut coffee…not really…we don’t have Dunkin Donuts in Canada…but it won’t shut off. My thoughts are so disjointed. It’s maddening. Every day is a struggle right now. Every. Bloody. Day.
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Gorgeous photos here my dear. I love you as the 25 cent fairy
And for the record? I’ll only start to worry about your marbles when the glass of wine starts talking back.
xo
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:49 pm
@Deborah / Mom2Michael, Wait..whoa…it’s not supposed to talk back?
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Last night I spun around the house writing lists and yelling to the walls about all of the things that had to be done.
The gifts had to be put away.
The pool had to be closed.
The photo albums had to be packed up.
The laundry done.
So many tasks.
Small to many, but huge to me.
I so get this.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:49 pm
@Leighann, Sucks my friend.
Especially when walls don’t talk back.
Unless yours does…
Then I will need to call you ASAP.
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Without my lists my world would fall apart, my family would not eat, I would never go to the post office, finish a project, pay the bills on time, or remember to go to the bathroom. Okay, well, maybe not the bathroom, but the rest for sure.
You are allowed to say anything you want in your space. Great photos.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:48 pm
@Ally, Ahhh I am so glad that I’m not the only one. I’ve always been like that but now it’s just absolute chaos. It takes me literally 2 hours to pack Chunky’s lunch and pick out his clothes and what happens in between is written on sticky notes. Sigh
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Yes.
You’d feel right at home in my house.
Let me clear away this pile of notes all over the kitchen table, there … have a sit, lovey.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:47 pm
@Alexandra, I’d love a tea party with you.
Let me write that on my list of things to do. I’ll give you the top spot xoxo
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Agreed…most of the stuff of my sickeningly long to-do list is totally irrelevant in the grand scheme of things…
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:47 pm
@Ameena, I know right? Like does it matter if the toilet is clean when I’m having a perfect hair day?
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Oh, the heat. Yeah, about that. I think we didn’t pay the bill from last winter so the gas was cut off. I should look into that now that it’s a bit chilly, huh? Meh. I’m pretty sure I had that on a list a while ago but like most of my lists, I lose them, only to recover them months later in stupid places and exclaiming, “oh, THAT’S why that bathroom is still filthy. I lost the note telling me to clean it.”
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:46 pm
@Arnebya, HAHAH!!!! OH I can relate to the lost notes. The one last month was to remind me to pay a parking ticket…don’t worry…the city sent me a reminder with interest in the mail.
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the marbles are all there sometimes we just have to find them one by one, sometimes we won’t have them all at once either.
no I should go feed the dogs and clean my bathroom,
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:45 pm
@melinda, HAHAH…yes one by one. I’m certain one rolled under the washing machine. That one can stay there because there is no way I’m putting my hand where the spiders live. Shudder.
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Let me just tell you, you are so fucking cool you dont need no stinkin marbles!! if you had marbles, youd be doing mundane shit like the wash or something instead of writing kick ass reach out and grab you all by the heart strings blogs.
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oh and i do the list thing too, and the time thing because my brain is like a clusterfuck of shit on fire in the woods on mars.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
@Claire, I . LOVE. YOU.
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My husband is the listmaker in our family; and it seems to work! How important are marbles in the grand scheme of things anyway? Love the last photo of you and Chunky the best!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
@Eva Gallant, You got me thinking. Marbles. Who needs them.
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Wine is my boyfriend too. There’s nothing wrong with that!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:43 pm
@Nicole, Wine never forgets how sensitive my feelings are…he just takes them all away…until I have a headache.
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Lists drive me crazy. I can’t make them. It scares me to look at it and gives me so much anxiety because if I fail I will beat myself up for days. I wish I could be a list maker. But I can’t. And I can’t have wine either because of my medication. SOB!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:43 pm
@molly, Yea I’m beginning to wonder if the task of just making a list is more anxiety provoking than just actually doing the thing I was going to write on the list…sigh…make sense? xox
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This was a great conversation
I make lists as well, and have a white board that keeps track of them. I make lists for lists I need to write. It helps keep the anxiety of forgetting something — due to meds or my messed up brain — at bay. All the best to you — and great pictures! 
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:42 pm
@kim, I actually asked my husband to sit down with me and help me make a list. He said no. Jerk.
I don’t know how my brain gets all scrambled like this.
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Do you know how hot your are? just wondering.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:41 pm
@MommaKiss, Do you want to motor boat me?
Cause I miss you.
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You’re lovely, you know that? With or without the marbles.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:41 pm
@Emily, Now that just made my day xo
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Diarrhea of the mouth is absolutely acceptable. And I love it.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:41 pm
@Dawana, Mine smells like roses so you don’t have to worry about funk. I love you
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I’ve had to start making lists too. We’ll find our way together. And I had 2 glasses of white wine tonight. Come on over anytime, sister!
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:41 pm
@Rach (DonutsMama), You got it!! xoxo
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I am a slave to lists now, too. It’s probably all the medications we’re taking. Blah
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:40 pm
@Valerie, I need to make them my bitch. Never works out that way. Damn.
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You always manage to bring it, even when there are no marbles. I get this post perfectly. I’ve been there, and sort of am there, and lists are heaven.
Oh dear, I need to go pick up C from his day camp…
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:39 pm
@Robin @ Farewell, Stranger, HAHAHA…I’m glad that you get it…but not…because it sucks…xoxo
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Girl, I set my phone alarm so I wake up at the right time every day to get her up for school. And then I set my phone alarm to tell me, hey, it’s time to walk to the bus stop because she’ll be coming home soon. And I snooze Call Me, Maybe once and then it goes off again once I walk out the door, giving me time to pee before I walk about 5 minutes. So yeah, I feel you. xox
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:39 pm
@Andrea, I haven’t infiltrated my phone yet…if I could figure out how to work it…look out. I’d be a real hot mess trying to figure out which list is what and where xox
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You sound just like me. I had no problems following you cause that’s what my mind does too at the moment. I even went back and forth to Pinterest and Twitter, forgot I was reading your post, then came back to continue reading..
We should schedule a date, so we can look for marbles together, or something. xoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:38 pm
@Mirjam, Yes…I’m on the hunt for them. I think I lost more today. Yup…definitely sure of it. xox
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Those marbles are way to hard to keep up. They just keep rolling away.
I HATE lists and planning, but you are right. It’s the only way to know what I have done or need to do. I have two years of crap in the garage from when I moved. Sitting there. Taking up potential park your car in the garage space. It’s on my list. Lol.
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Kimberly Reply:
September 28th, 2012 at 5:38 pm
@Angelia Sims, Oh man…if you live in Canada, nothing stands in the way of garage space. Not even husbands
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Kimberly,
I lost my marbles, too. Are they at your house?
I’ve missed you. Xx
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I try fooling myself into thinking I can get by without my lists.
Then a day goes by and all I’ve done is unloaded half of the dishwasher and eaten a Hostess cupcake.
I’ve missed you…thanks for dropping by and for the kind words.
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Sometimes just getting the words out are all that matters. And fortunately, we’re all here listening. So you aren’t really alone, now are you?
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I like you.
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