Standing in front of the counter with part of a sandwich completed, my mind spun with thoughts and words that I couldn’t weed through.
I grabbed my list to see what I had to do.
Make Chunky’s sandwich
Write him an encouraging note. Don’t forget sticker.
Pick out clothes
Check the weather
Pick out clothes
This is going to take me forever, I thought. I turned to the clock and realized it was already 8pm.
I could hear Chunky and Shawn laughing in the other room. I wished that I could have joined them.
But here, here in this hell of a head I have, I have to do what’s on the list or I won’t sleep at night.
I miss them both dearly.
A deep ache set in my heart and I put the knife down, slid onto the floor and curled my entire being into my disjointed thoughts.
What has happened to me?
***********
The stethoscope bounced on my shoulders as I hurried down the hallway and right into utter chaos.
Doctors shouting, carts whipping, arms working feverishly to string IV lines, the quick starts and stops of rubber squeaks from the shoes of nurses, and my heart pounding loudly than all of it.
I looked up at the florescent lights, took a deep breath and smiled.
I lived for this.
I snatched a mask and formed it around my nose and mouth then secured it tightly behind my ears. My gloves, sized small, were hidden in my scrub pockets. They were the hardest size to find. I snapped them on and was helped into a white plastic gown that was poorly made and would rip when you extended your arms.
I turned my attention to the double doors where the sirens had drowned out the commotion behind me.
Then the stretchers came one by one.
I directed the paramedics into the bays. The most critical, a 16 month old who had been ejected from the vehicle, went into the center bay.
The medical team swarmed each patient and began to work.
I bounced from trauma bay to trauma bay.
Performed chest compressions in one. Started a tricky IV in the other.
I made calls to neurosurgery and paged anesthesia for the umpteenth time.
Delegated supply runs to the PCAs.
I checked the nervous nurse from the 5th floor whose hands shook while preparing syringes and talked her through.
I strung blood transfusions.
And coordinated hand off of one patient to the ICU.
When all was said and done, I was sweating under my face mask, I had splattered blood on my shoes, and my heart beat loudly in my throat.
IÂ exhaled and high fived a fellow nurse.
It was awesome.
And I did it all with out hesitation.
Without worry.
At 21 years old, I could run a trauma bay with my eyes closed and my head clearer than the bluest of skies.
At 32 years old, I can’t even piece together a god damned sandwich.
**********
Shawn’s hand on my shoulder made me jump.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t know. I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
He stood there in silence, scanned my list, picked up the knife and started to slather the other piece of bread with mayonnaise.
“Can you get off the floor? You’re looking pretty crazy. Why don’t you —-”
And I don’t remember what he said.
My mind drifted off into the infinite web of thoughts screaming in my head.
Just like it does every single minute of my waking day.
Have I mentioned that I wish you lived closer? Because I do.
I’m not sure what I could do for you but I would listen. And prep sandwiches for the week. K? k.
I’m getting that package together. Mr. C needs this stuff stat!
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:44 pm
@susan, I love you Susan. Just telling me that you’re there and that you’ll slather on some mayo on a piece of bread without gagging when it gets on your fingers is all I need. xoxo
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Love you. Hang on in there okay? I’m willing you to hang on in there. xo
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:42 pm
@Alison, If you make me cupcakes…kidding. I’m hanging on…with all I have. xoxo
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The part of you that could run the trauma bay so incredibly is not gone – just submerged for awhile.
You are NOT your illness – it just feels that way. The real Kim is that trauma nurse.
xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:41 pm
@Janet, You know how much I love you xoxox
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Trauma Nurse Kim is still in there. Maybe she’s hiding somewhere, and it must feel like you’ve already searched every corner of the hospital for her. But you’ll get her back–you’ll get YOU back. Hang in there, one sandwich at a time. xoxoxo
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:41 pm
@angela, Fuck sandwiches. I’m designated that to Shawn from now on
I know she’s in there. She’s good at hiding. But when I find her I’m dragging her out by her hair.
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This past Saturday I braved putting the toddler in his little pool out in my backyard. Normally, on weekends, I do only what HAS to be done and then lay around for the remaining time until Monday rolls around and it’s back to work. SO…as he was blowing bubbles and pouring half of the water out of the pool I took a moment to lean back in my chair and take in the surroundings. I was in awe at all the different shades of green…from the grass, to the overgrown brush, to the leaves on the trees. Then I looked up and saw the pine needles on the trees gently sway with the breeze. The sky was outstandingly blue. It was the first time in months that I had seen all of this. I couldn’t believe what I was missing. It’s so much easier to give into the thoughts and veg out. It takes some effort to do the things I really want to do. I know lists Kim. I know how hard it is to complete the tasks. As you always say to me, kick it in the taco and do your best. That’s all you can do and it’s all that you should do right now. SO much love…xoxox
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:40 pm
@Pamela Gold, This is so hopeful Pam. So so hopeful. Thank you for writing this awesome moment. I have tears just visualizing you with a huge smile that is so deserved on your face. xoxo
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I’m with Angela. Trauma Nurse Kim is still in there. I know it. Because Writer Erin is still in me somewhere….under the muck.
I know this feeling, Kim. Going to dm you.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:39 pm
@Erin Margolin, You know I love you. We will hold each other up through this.
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Yep, she’s still in there. Sending you huge hugs.
Also, mayonnaise is overrated.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:38 pm
@Robin @ Farewell, Stranger, I know. How in the hell did I get designated to make the lunches.
I need to review my contract. love you.
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It’s not your fault. It’s an illness just like any physical illness that other people have. You just can’t see yours. We can’t see it. But I applaud you for writing about it. And I hope it gets better!
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:38 pm
@Cyndy, I hope so too. Thank you so much for your support.
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The fact that you can remember in such detail means she’s still there. You will find her again. hugs.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:37 pm
@Eva Gallant, I will drag her ass out and make her do the lunches. How did I get that job designated to me anyways. I call bullshit.
I find it so much easier to sit down and write out my feelings than it is to verbalize them. But thank you for always coming here and reading and offering your support. It means a lot to me xo
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there’s nothing that can be said that will make this better.
love you
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:36 pm
@Leighann, except pictures of my head photoshopped on nurse’s bodies.
xoxo
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You are both and neither person in my experience. What I can promise you is that it gets different first then better. I’m a praying person so I’ll pray but only that you have the strength to walk through this. I believe in other sides and second chances and third chances and many chances. I’m not special and if I’ve had them, you have them.
Also, I feel like I might be writing too cryptically so if this comment is weird, mostly I’m saying: {hugs} and love and baby steps forward are worth it.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:36 pm
@Alex@LateEnough, No not cryptic at all. Totally understand. I think I’m on my millionth chance give or take a thousand…I mean who is really keeping count…and I know that there are more around each corner I have to turn.
Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers and for taking a photo of the guns in the doll house. I so needed that laugh.
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I know this is your life and I wish you weren’t going through this, because I can not even imagine how that feels. And yet, your writing? I felt like I was reading a movie script or something. I could see this whole thing happening on the big screen. It’s intense and you have a way of laying it out there to make us feel it with you. You’re amazing, and I HOPE that you find something that will help get you back to where you want and need to be. I think of you all the time.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:34 pm
@Greta, Thank you so much Greta. It’s weird but I have a much easier time writing my feelings than actually verbalizing them. I don’t know why that is. But thank you for being there for me. It means the world xo
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girl all i can say is, though beautifully written, breaks my heart. all i can do is send you love and big huge hugs!
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:33 pm
@vanita, and that is simply all that I need. xoxo
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I know what it is like to wonder if the person I used to be is still lurking inside somewhere. To not be able to hang on through a simple conversation because everything is hard and fuzzy. You are not alone. I know that isn’t much when you are in the midst of this, but I hope it is something. I’m sending hugs and praying for you.
You are not alone.
You can do this.
It will get better.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:33 pm
@Tracie, Thank you so much Tracie. I’m so sorry that you understand this, but at the same time it makes me feel less alone in this. xo
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Kim. Look at my face. Can’t you see the beautiful analogy you’ve just written without even realizing it? The sweat on your brow, the lights, the noises, the chaos that should have distracted you is your bipolar. The patients in the bays you helped one by one are all the women you’ve reached out and touched over the last few years. She’s still there. Badass Kim is still there. Compassionate Kim is still there. Capable Kim is still there.
With all due respect, tons of people can be a trauma nurse. Their are thousands of them all over the world. How many Kims from All Work and No Play, who help others overcome something they might other wise suffer alone with, are their? Just one. You are so much more valuable now than you were then. I wish you could see yourself the way we see you. You’d be pretty damn impressed.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:32 pm
@Claire, Beautiful…you’re just beautiful. Thank you. You have been such an amazing source of strength for me. I hope that you know that. Everytime you comment and throw in a hilarious phrase, it makes me smile. I need smiles. xoxo
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Trauma Nurse Kim is still buried in your head. You will overcome this! Giving up is not an option so keep taking one baby step at a time. Life will get better …
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:31 pm
@Karyn Climans, Thank you Karyn. I know I’ll find her…I’ll drag her out and make her do lunches
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This makes me cry.
It’s all so hard for you.
It’s so much harder than for the rest of the world and NO ONE KNOWS what it feels like for you, and how HARD you try, and how much you love Chunky and your husband.
No one knows how hard, and they judge, and they don’t know.
this is a testament to you. lesser people would have crumbled by now, but you, every day, you soldier on and find strength from somewhere and soldier on.
Hour by hour, second to second some days … you are the word warrior. You are the word WARRIOR.
So much love, awe, respect, and pure wishes for you, my wonderful friend.
I love you.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:30 pm
@Alexandra, I can’t respond with words…just tears…I love you too and thank you for holding my hand tighter than tight.
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You know, every time I come here I’m dazzled all over again by how incredibly strong you are. You’re so smart and so funny and so completely, utterly open. Trauma Nurse Kim and Kim-Who-Feels-Crippled-By-A-Sandwich are both part of that same inspiring package. You show the depth of your strength in both examples.
The only trouble is, I think you shine so bright it hurts you. And I hate that because I care about you –
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:29 pm
@Emily, “Crippled by a sandwich” is what I want written on my tombstone…which won’t be for many many many years. Thank you so much for believing in me and encouraging me every step of the way. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.
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You are working hard to get through the days and working hard to get you back to you. I can’t imagine what you’re really going through. Though your writing is so expressive, I am coming close.
I am hanging onto my hope for you, and I hope you are too. You are super strong. You can get through this.
And I am really freaking pissed that you have to go through this. It’s not fucking fair.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:28 pm
@Deborah / Mom2Michael, Oh I love you. You’re going through so much yourself and you stopped in to give me a push to keep moving. You’re a wonderful friend Deb. Truly. xo
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you’ll get back there someday, don’t lose hope.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:26 pm
@katery, Hope is what I’m clinging too. Thank you for believing in me.
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katery Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 3:02 pm
@Kimberly,
as the mighty wilson phillips once said, “hold on for one more day, can ya hold on, things’ll go you’re way, hold on for one more day, yeah, i know that there is pain, but cha, hold on for one more day, and ya, break free, break form the chai-yans, yeah, i know that there is pain, but cha hold on for one more day and ya, break free break from the chains… someday somebody’s gonna make ya wanna turn around and say good-bye, till then baby are ya gonna let em hold ya down and make you cry, don’t cha know, things’ll changes, things’ll go your way, if you hoooooold on for one more day, hold on for one more day-yay…”
we praise you oh mighty mighty wilson phillips!
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Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. You’re stronger than you know.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:24 pm
@Carpool Goddess, Thank you so so much. I’ll take all the hugs and good vibes I can get.
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Bless. Your. Heart. Hang in there. I promise it will get better. Get help, rest when you’re able. Practice healthy self care. Mostly, know that you are not alone. You can do this.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:24 pm
@Jenn, I’m trying so hard. I know that it will get better it’s just thinking about when. As I type, I’m still in my PJ’s and that is good enough for me today. If I smell, I apologize
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Oh, sweetie. I love you so much. You’re so strong, this doesn’t define you. It doesn’t take away from the amazing person that you are. You remember that. You are an amazing woman. A strong, remarkable, amazing woman.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:23 pm
@Nicole, Thank you so much Nicole. Your words mean the world…that little push I needed today xo
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I’m sending you my love and support, Kim. Big squishy hugs!
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:22 pm
@Jenny, Thank you Jenny xo
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So at 21, I could drink a 24-pack of beer. Stay out til 4am and get back up to work at 7am. Somehow, my youthful accomplishments are lacking from yours. Hah.
. And Chunky didn’t starve? Right? Pretty soon, he will make his own sandwich.
So you rocked 21, and 32 is more challenging. I’ll bet 42 kicks some ass! I know I love 41.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:22 pm
@Angelia Sims, HAHA…this comment was the funny I needed. Now I didn’t mention the other bits of my early days
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Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
For one example, my dad died was I was 13. I was w/him at the time, in my brother’s backyard, and it was traumatic for me. I’ll save all the details because my point is this; if that were to happen in my life NOW, I wouldn’t trust myself to get through it. (NOW meaning any time post-PPD, which was 2003.)
We feel broken. & in many ways, we really are.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:21 pm
@Valerie, We truly do. I know that my illness doesn’t define me but it has changed the way I handle things/cope etc. It’s been hard…for both of us xox
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Agreed. She’s still in there, that younger Kim. She is still resilient, still able to run that trauma center and her home. And she will.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:20 pm
@Arnebya, Thank you for believing in me
xoxo
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Love you. Huge hugs
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:20 pm
@imperfectmomma, Love you back and then some xo
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Hang in there.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:20 pm
@secret mom thoughts, Thank you. I’m trying really hard. Every day is a new one right.
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Kim, I think, no, I know, you are the only person out there who can make me truly understand what you are going through in dealing with your anxiety and so on. So many people write about it and I feel for each and every one of them… but you make me understand. Sending you hugs and good thoughts! Hang in there.
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Kimberly Reply:
October 2nd, 2012 at 2:19 pm
@Susi, Oh thank you so much Susi. I’m glad that I can help you understand this as it is so misunderstood. Thank you for taking the time to reach out to not only me but to the other blogs you comment on. Just a simple virtual hug makes such a big difference in our days. It keeps us going. xo
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I ask myself how I was able to accomplish so much before and why I’m so paralyzed sometimes now. It makes no sense logically. This is by far harder than anything else, I think.
Kimberloo, keep pressing on.
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So well written and descriptive of what you have and are going through. I am sorry that you are experiencing this and having to deal with this. Wish there was something I could do
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The person you used to be is mixed with the person you are and you are yet to become all that you are going to be.
I’m so sorry you are having a hard time right now. The only consistent thing in life is change. So hang in there, ok? You have a lot of people who love you to cheer you on.
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Ah Kim, I so wish there was something we all could do. I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, I can’t change it and I can’t make it better. But know that I send you all the hugs and positive wishes that I can. Your strength in this continuing battle amazes me every day.
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Not much left to say-everyone has said it all so perfectly but I am here reading & thinking of you & sending you love & support. I agree with everyone else- you are still in there Kim. xoxo
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Sandwiches are overrated, anyway, right?
I really wish there was a way I could help you! Lots of hugs and love coming your way!
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