“You pull and pull,” the Nursing Professor said as she reached her hands down to the floor, “There’s nothing there. It’s like pulling on a corpse. They don’t grab you back.”
“I beg to differ,” I had wanted to say.
Instead I slid down in the plastic chair, hiding my head behind the girl in front of me.
Specks of white from the dry erase board poked through the frizz of hair collected on the top of her head.
I pushed the psychiatric assessment page to the side, revealing a blank notebook page.
I grabbed my pen and scribbled “Dead?”.
Dead.
I don’t know what you see when you look at me when I’m depressed.
Perhaps it’s like looking down the barrel of a nightmare.
A deadened soul that is seemingly impenetrable.
But I dare you.
Put your hand in the barrel.
If you don’t feel anything, go further and further.
As far as your arm will let you go and leave it there.
You may not notice the subtle brush on the tips of your fingers or when my hand slides loosely into yours.
But I guarantee you that one day you’ll feel a tug.
You need to pull.
Pull and pull and pull.
It may take a while before the darkness around me begins to fade and for you to see the broken pieces of my soul meld together.
But your hand?
Is my hope.
I won’t let that go.
As long as you don’t let go of me.
I knew it wasnt because I mentioned cock too many times in my last message! permission to be up Kims ass has officially been granted. figuratively, of course.
[Reply]
My hand is always here for you. xoxo
[Reply]
So many hands…this barrel is too full…move over…I was here first…did you use hand sanitizer…WHERE HAS YOUR HAND BEEN…Pull…heave ho…OMG HEAVE A HOE!
My hand is still there (with all the other nasty, germ infested ones, but there nonetheless. Meh. We’ll make each other vodka spiked NyQuil shots).
[Reply]
Hold onto that hand, Kim. Keep holding on.
[Reply]
Here’s my hand, girl
I’ll hold it here until it falls asleep and gets all discolored from hanging over the side of the barrel. xo
[Reply]
xo
[Reply]
Never! I’d never let go.
[Reply]
I’m holding and pulling. Real hard.
[Reply]
i will never let go, i promise.
[Reply]
Beautiful. This is exactly what I’d people to know when I’m on a downward slope. That song “I’m just a little unwell’ always come to mind.
[Reply]
pulling, kim. xoxoxo
[Reply]
I hope there’s always at least one hand reaching out when you need it.
[Reply]
Always, always, always here for you my friend and pulling with everything I’ve got to give.
[Reply]
I don’t even know where to start, but this is hauntingly beautiful. I can only imagine how difficult it was to write. Tank you for sharing so openly!
[Reply]
While it saddens me that you feel this pain, I am in awe of your incredible writing.
[Reply]
Nope – there is still hope in depression, even if you have to reach down even further to get it.
(The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws the out – prov 20:5).
[Reply]
Exactly. Someone had to write/say it. I’m glad it was you. You know where to find me and I’ll keep bugging you too.
[Reply]
Here’s my hand, Kim – please hold on to it -
xoxox
[Reply]
When enough hands get together, they don’t just pull you…they hold you up. Always know that you are being held up, Kim, even when it might feel more like a free-fall.
[Reply]
Keep holding on. xo
[Reply]
Both of my hands are here and I am pulling with my whole body and heart. <3
[Reply]
I so hear you. I’m not dead either. At least, I don’t think I am, and that’s good enough for right now.
[Reply]
We will not let go!
[Reply]
Girl. You’ve got an army hanging on to you here.
An army. You can’t not feel us. I dare you.
And love you. xo
[Reply]
NEVER EVER let go of you. You have so many people rallying behind you and I will pull you out from the bottom of the ocean if you need me to. Love you Kim. Keep fighting.
[Reply]
I will never give up on you.
[Reply]
Kim, I’ve got both my hands here pulling for you. Keep fighting. You are so loved, and you are not alone.
[Reply]
You have my hand.
[Reply]
Beautiful.
You have so many willing hands.
[Reply]
I’ve got you by the hand. Always. xx
[Reply]
Hang on girl, the strength around you is rising and rallying. It’s not just a hand reaching to you, it’s a FIRM grip.
[Reply]
You are surrounded with so many hands that love you and will support you through all this, my friend. We all love you and rooting for you!
[Reply]
You have such a strong support system…I doubt you would ever be without a hand to hold.
Hugs to you sweet girl! xo
[Reply]
Gorgeous writing. My hand is here for you…reaching out for you to grab anytime.
[Reply]
I would hold your hand. And I promise that what I would feel is recognition.
[Reply]
This was beautiful, Kim. I will remember your words “pull and pull and pull”. My oldest son’s behavior is hard to deal with sometimes. I sometimes want to just lock myself in a room to get away from him and I know that is terrible. I can’t give up on him. I need to keep pulling. He’s my son and I love him. Thank you for opening my eyes!
[Reply]
Not letting go.
[Reply]
Never letting go. xoxo
[Reply]
That is the most beautiful and perfect thing you have ever written. Hanging on too.
[Reply]
Love.
[Reply]
I am holding onto you with both hands. Even though they’re covered in kid slime and I just changed a poopy diaper.
You are NOT alone.
I feel this. I feel what you are feeling.
ANd I’m relieved you’re okay (using the term loosely, of course).
love you.
[Reply]
Hold on . . . . We are all holding back, we are.
[Reply]