392.
The number of slats in the air vents under the window.
A small amount of glitter was peppered where the vent met the tile on the floor.
I kind of giggled thinking of the irony of something so notoriously associated with magical happiness and unicorns presented itself in this room.
It was an omen of sorts, I supposed.
I curled into my feelings of defeat on the oddly concave mattress.
Outside, I could see the tips of trees almost barren of leaves hiding behind the intimidating brick walls of the hospital.
Behind me was my boisterous roommate who busily rummaged through her stacks of books and cleared her throat a thousand times over.
I could hear her approaching by the sound of her distinct shuffle.
I rolled over and she was standing at the side of my bed.
“It’s scary as fack* here. You’ll be ok ’cause you’ve got me little bird. I’m the Mama bird and I am also the self appointed manager here at the ‘Puzzle Factory’. Get it? We are all missing the pieces of our puzzles. I’ve been here for 22 days. These assholes formed** me. How long is your form?”
I was too afraid to tell her that I was actually there on my own free will.
“I’m really depressed.”
“Come. You need a hug.”
She pulled me in and held me tightly.
I couldn’t hold my stoic presence any longer and just let go.
I was a puddle in this stranger’s arms.
“You’re going to do good,” she said as she shook my shoulders. “If you don’t, then fack me. I’ll have to quit my job as a facken psychic.”
I began to laugh.
“You’re going to be just fine. Just play their game and you’ll make it out of here in no time.”
I don’t want to play a “game”.
As much as I detested the fact that I was there, I knew this was the only place that would keep me safe from myself.
I started to think about the woman who had occupied my bed hours before I “moved in”.
I wondered if she had found her “puzzle pieces” and had decked them with the same glitter found on the air vents.
I imagined her smile as she walked out of the locked doors and into the sun.
I wanted that.
I needed that.
I was going to fight for that.
As my roommate said “I’m facken going to do this.”
Just a wee note…thank you everyone for your outpouring of support. I read all of your comments and tweets and emails. They give me strength everyday xoxo
*Fack: She actually says fack instead of fuck. Remember when I used to use the word fack so that I wouldn’t sound too vulgar but then I decided to use the word fuck because it has more power to it. It’s a solid word.
**Form/Formed: If you are a threat to yourself or others and refuse to stay in the hospital, you can still be involuntarily admitted to the hospital for at least 72 hours.
This is the first time I have ever replied or even read someones blog other then some recipe I’d never get around to making. Love your sense of sense of humor and courage. I to have a son soon to be 4 and suffer from anxiety/depression. Keep up the good work : )
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Love you Kim. just lots and lots of love for you today.
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Love from Poland my dear. And Chuck Norris ass kicking strength.
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Love you so much
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Bear hugs & love to you, Kim.
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She sounds a little scary little bird. I hope everything went well and that you got the help you needed.
Huge hugs! xo
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I’m rooting for you to kick ass and find your puzzle pieces!
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Sending virtual hugs!
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Sending you a gigantic hug! Keep up the courage and strength Kim!
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hugs and support. I hope you find the time and space to heal.
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Kim – I have been thinking about you and praying for you every day –
Even though your roommate sounds a bit unsettling, I think she genuinely saw something in you – and recognized that you will be OK.
I see the same things in you, and I know you will be OK. You did a very loving thing for yourself, Chunky, and Shaun by entering the hospital.
Much, much love, Janet
xoxox
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I know how hard it was to be the new girl and I remember the smell and sounds of just about everything during my stays. It stays with you forever I’m sure. You know how proud I am that you went. It’s one of the most difficult decisions to make, admitting yourself. I am hoping your meds were tweaked and you were able to lay and stare as much as you wanted with minimal worry for the daily shit that you do. Adjusting to the mundane when released is also hard and ridden with anxiety. Anytime you need to decompress, you know where I am. Kick this shit in the gutter and spit on it.
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Love, love, love you. xoxoxo
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Glitter has to be a good sign. I don’t doubt for a fackening second.
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Love you.
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I’m so glad you’re sharing your story. You’re helping a countless number of people with your words. And I was so happy to see the pictures of Chunky, to know that you’re okay. I hope you are. I think of you every day, Kimberly!
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Have you looked under the bed for the missing puzzle pieces? Or in the basement? That’s where we find them, usually when we least expect it.
Today’s blog made me happy, and I’ll tell you why. It reassured me that you’re going to be OK. You know you need to be there, and you’re not “playing the game.” That is the difference between someone who walks out of there with her head held high and a genuine smile on her face because she knows she’s stronger than anything life can throw at her and someone who walks out of there with a fake smile plastered on her face, thinking “MWAHAHA…I fooled them…” You’re going to be OK, Kim. I have faith in you. You’re stronger than this, even though it may not feel that way right now. Keep sharing with us, OK? Cause we want to keep cheering you on. Hugs!
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You’re going to emerge stronger than you were when you went in, I know this for a fact. I think there is something about psychiatric hospital stays that leaves an imprint on a person. You will get through this and you’ll emerge with new ways to fight this depression.
Love you, Kim. You’re an inspiration. Hugs xoxo
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oh kim, i just love you. in a different life a million years ago i had to have my boyfriend at the time involuntarily admitted, it turned into a three month stay. it was literally the worst day of my life. i hope you are ok, i wish i was your roommate so i could give you lots and lots of hugs.
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Work the shit out of that puzzle.
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love love love you.
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I am so with you about “fuck.” Fuck “fack.”
Love you, sweetcheeks.
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Oh, my friend . . . In my own attempts at keeping my head above water, and keeping overwhelming moments at bay, I’ve sort of vanished from all reading of blogs. My own selfishness, I guess. Today, I was pulled here. I have much to catch up on, but I just want to tell you that I love you. Whole-heartedly. The way you open your heart to us and share, leaves me feeling so much like I want to just hop on a plane, fly to where you are, and give you a big hug. Thinking of you and all that you live, my friend. Hugs. .
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I wish I were there.
Kim, ride it out. See yourself hanging on to that board like your life depends on it , because it does.
We’re here, you’re not alone. We all love you.
You are NOT alone.
Keep writing, reaching out, connecting, thinking of your feelings.
We will listen.
xo
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I’m glad your safe. I’m glad you are still reaching out.
xoxo
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You have no idea how happy and relieved I was to see you in my inbox this morning. I clicked over here as fast as I could.
Your roomie will give you lots of fodder for blog posts I think. But it sounds like she has helped some. Just don’t fall for her advice to “play the game.” I know you’re smarter than that, but I just have to say it. You play their game, and get released on false pretenses, you will just end up back there. Not good for anyone.
Sending love and strength!! xo
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I like this roomy
She’s got spunk.
Did she read your palm? She did didn’t she!
You got a free palm reading for a hug.
Did it say that I’m going to be skinny?
I love you my little Kimberloo.
I’m so very proud of you and your fight.
Never forget how strong you are.
Never ever forget ….
Penis
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Fack yeah.
Fack. Hee.
I’ve been thinking about you, baby, I am glad you are there and I’m glad you are safe. xoxo You can facking do this.
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You are most definitely not alone. Thinking of you every single day. Sending hugs.
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FACK! Yeah, that’s gonna stick. Damn it.
And you! You are something else. You’re stronger than most women I know.
Also, is Mother Bird available for parties? She sounds like a hoot.
What? Come on, I’m only reverent at baptisms. And campfires.
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Thinking of you, sweetie. Love from me.
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I remember what it was like each time I left the hospital. The last time – I had that feeling – that smile – the basking in the sun. I wish that for you this time my friend. And I know that my wish will come true. Be well Kim. Be well.
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Love you … and glitter … and you. xo
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well fuck me twice, for being so off in my own little world of chaos {minor, believe me} that I had no idea. I’m mad at me, for not being the friend you need.
Just for you, I’m going to find every single thing of glitter I’ve got and dump it all round. It’s a sign. {plus, I don’t mind scattering glitter, you know…it’s like a unicorn fart, right?}
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I’m thinking of you girl. We all have our missing pieces. Keep writing, keep working on you. We’ll be here. We’re all here for you. Keep safe.
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Love you! I’m so glad you are talking about this!
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I love you more than baby pandas love scaring people at the zoo. (Oh, they’re quite evil – you just have to look for it.)
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Thinking of you Kim!! Sending you hugs & lots of love.
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Wish I could send you extra glitter, plus rainbows and unicorns! xo
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I’m reading the posts that come through, but I’m afraid I missed something. Are you/did you go back in the hospital? I’m sending some heavy prayers your way, my friend. Keep looking for the glitter
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I am SO happy you had someone there to welcome you and be friendly to you. I don’t think I spoke more than three words to anyone while I was in, everyone acted like no one else even existed there. I didn’t have to stay as long as you did, though. Hugs xoxo.
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