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Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday

I ate cold pancakes.

I volunteered for “Breakfast With Santa”.

I had no idea what exactly that entailed

Perhaps I’d cut up pancakes.

Squirt some ketchup on eggs.

Clean up inevitable spills.

But mostly, I figured that it would be a nice social adventure. You know, meeting Chunky’s friends and connecting with other Moms.

Oh no.

I’m dreaming of a Christmas fucking no.

I have never seen so many children in one place…

Aside from Duggar’s vagina…

I’ve never seen the inside of her vagina…

But I’m sure that its walls are decked with the same shitty hand painted artwork…

All those bodies.


Who the fuck gave you bingo dabbers?

No don’t eat the poinsettia.

No. No dog piles on Santa’s chair! Who owns that little shit in the blue stripped old man sweater?

Why are you under the table?

Put your dress down.

No, I don’t want to see your princess underwear.

Don’t wipe your booger on the chair get a tissue.

Not on your coat.

Now go wash your God damned hands before you desecrate baby Jesus in that manger with your booger fingers.

Press pause kids. PRESS PAUSE MEANS STOP

Did you just lick that orange and put it back in the cornucopia?


I know the basket isn’t made of fucking corn. It’s called cornuco-find-your-Mom.

Sausages are not markers.

I’m pretty sure that putting your scrambled eggs in your juice will taste like a lumpy asshole.

Told you.

No, you clean that shit up.

That was just in the first 20 minutes.

I’m serious. Who owns that kid?

Where were the teachers you ask?


Having a grand old time in a table way over in the corner.

I was thinking of running over there and punching Chunky’s teacher in the festive Christmas vest but I like her.

And she deals with this every day.

I’m buying her booze for Christmas.

After a while I just gave up and plopped next to a Mom of triplets.

“Want some pancakes?” she asked and pushed a plate towards me.

We both laughed as we choked down some cold soggy pancakes that we had no idea where they came from.

And you know what?

I’d probably do it again.

Because this face?

So worth it.


  1. I’m crying from laughter. This is awesome, even as much as it sucked. 😛 Yay!!!

  2. Fackin hilarious!!

    I remember Ben’s first party at school. I was young, naive, and all excited about helping out. Whewww, was I ever in for a surprise. It was pure and total chaos and hell.

    And yes, it was totally worth it to see that big ass smile on my childs face.

  3. jen jen

    And to think you’re going to be doing this for how many more years?? Your so freaking lucky 🙂

  4. The little man looks like he’s having an amazing time. Cold pancakes for everyone!!!!

  5. “Lumpy asshole” – thank you for the much needed laughs. xo

  6. Janet Janet

    I couldn’t have endured it. I’m glad Chunky, at least, had a good time –


  7. LMAO!! Oh, you just brought back some memories. By high school, I just stopped volunteering. Right now they are looking for chaperones for the overnight senior night after graduation – Oh HELL NO.

  8. Hahahahaha! Oh my goodness!
    You survived, you kicked ass, now go take a bath in sanitizer..

  9. That was hilarious! I laughed and laughed! Glad you survived!

  10. Such a cutie pie. I’m buying booze for the office staff at our school. They deserve it!

  11. I hope you bathed in a vat of Lysol when you were done hehehe. Chunky is super adora-precious with Santa!

  12. Put your dress down? Really? Hilarious! I was a teacher. Imagine doing this everyday? It’s like that every day (well, not the put your dress down part). So…be nice to teachers!

  13. Chunky looks so happy in that last picture! I was a teacher and therefore, cannot ever help out at classroom parties. I break out into hives just thinking about it. Kids are so much worse when their parents are around and I have a feeling that would ring true for mine. Glad you survived it to do it again next year. 🙂

  14. You are such a good mom.
    If you want to send that kid to me ill take him

  15. I love this! And that last picture of Chunky is priceless! For that face? Yes, it will always be worth it!

  16. That’s what I was thinking – look at how HAPPY Chunky is!!

  17. Haha love this! So funny! His smile is so big 🙂

  18. Oh my goodness thanks for the laugh! Is it wrong that I’m cracking up at the throat punch picture?

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