The moaning behind the bathroom door indicated that his bowels were calling out an SOS.
I poked my head in and saw his naked body hunched on the toilet.
“Don’t look at me!” he screamed.
I quickly shut the door realizing that my 4 year old now demands his privacy.
(Which is odd since he likes to occasionally strip down to his birthday suit and press his wiener on the patio window for the neighbors to see.)
(And then there was this one time he pulled his pants down and made his butt talk.)
(It was magical moment.)
“I’m trying to poop Mom but my butt won’t let me!”
The toilet seat had begun to squeak as he rocked back and forth.
“It’s ok babe. Just breathe,” I coached.
His moans grew louder.
“Mom there is something wrong,” he said just as I heard all 45 pounds of him hit the floor.
I swung the door open and saw the look that school janitors fear.
“This isn’t poop,” he said.
His shoulders lurched forward as his stomach thrust through his esophagus, out of his mouth, and onto the bathroom floor.
Now, for those of you who don’t have children there is this tiny window of time when a parent begins to think of a few things before the vomit starts chasing you.
- This just royally fucked up my night.
- Why did I feed him spaghetti?
- How does this tiny creature hold so much content?
- I can’t even identify that.
- Is that a shoe?
- Why are you running towards me?
- Stop running.
- No seriously. I’m allowing you to just stand there and spray the shower curtains.
- I’m out of laundry detergent.
- I hate WalMart.
As he came at me, I did what any other parent would do.
I shut the bathroom door…
…let me finish my sentence now…
I shut the bathroom door to deflect the bulk of the puke.
(Have you ever seen someone run into a Tsunami?)
(No.)
(But you do see people running in after it’s over to clean up.)
(Yes.)
(So picture me as the United Nations of Parents.)
(A saint if you will.)
I waited for the chunks to stop pelting the door and then walked in.
Write this down:
“Don’t be your kid’s hero”
Don’t forgot about the second wave.
As his mouth stretched open, I grabbed the hand towel and put it in front of his face.
(I learned that little trick when I worked as a pediatric nurse.)
(I was compassionate like that.)
Then I heard a weakened voice, “Momma, what happened?”
I disgustingly looked down at warm vomit in between my toes and then at his sad face.
“You barfed on my pajamas.”
“And I’m very naked,” he giggled as he lowered himself on the floor.
“Umm, Momma this isn’t good.”
And I knew what was coming the second I heard his tiny butt cheeks clap the tile as he farted.
Moral of the story is, kids are really fucking gross.
Ps. 10 kids from his class were sick that day…new school record.
PPS. Chunky said “Elaina puked in class today! It looked just like mine! How did my puke get in her tummy?”
Oh gross. And poor Chunky.
Chunky blew chunks! Hee!
Sorry, I’m a 6 year old.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:50 pm
@Alison, And that he did.
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The United Nations of Parenting. Yeah, girl they should write a song about you. I’d totally sing it.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:49 pm
@Poppy, Only if I could wear a pink hazmat suit in the music video.
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Thank goodness you are a nurse and have the stomach for this stuff. I would have probably gagged and then puked too at the sight of his puke. Lovely!
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:48 pm
@Karyn Climans, All that training sure came in handy. Now boogers and poop are my kryptonite…shudder.
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Oh my God! I’m sorry..
But thank you so much for making me laugh out loud today.
What are the odds by the way..I think the exact same thing when I see that look. Smart move to shut the door..
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:48 pm
@Mirjam, They do have that distinct look eh. Maybe it’s a mom intuition.
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I’m trying to think of how I would even begin to clean that up, and I can’t get an image of how. Does your dog vomit too? We were always stepping in cat puke when we had cats -
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:47 pm
@Janet, OH my dog? Well let me tell you that 2 weeks ago he dined on 7 socks and puked up 6 and pooped out one. Their puke is horrible smelling.
PS. I had to scoop it up with paper towels.
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Where’s the HazMat team when you need them, hey?
hope he’s feeling better soon!
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:46 pm
@Deborah / Mom2Michael, I am the hazmat team
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Stomach bugs are the worst. I hate the afermath of cleaning out all the puke from the laundry. Glad that Chunky is on his way to recovery.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:46 pm
@Jenny, That is the worst..and no matter how much you clean…you are all going to get it. blah
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Oh my god. I just threw up in my mouth. Bath time for everybody! Kids are SO gross.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:45 pm
@Greta, It was bath time like 40 times that day. We ran out of soap so I hosed him down with lysol spray.
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Diapers.
This is why they invented adult diapers.
It’s okay, some people just start wearing them earlier.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:44 pm
@Leighann, Poor Chunky. The kids will never let him down for that.
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Poor guy! Poor YOU!
Reminds me of the time my brother drank cup after cup of purple punch with bits of fruit in it on Christmas night at my grandmom’s. The bathroom looked great after Jackson Pollack got done spraying purple fruit-flecked puke all over it.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:44 pm
@Mrs. Jen B, Oh no!!! I remember my sister eating half a back of ketchup chips and upchucking it all over our blue carpet in our room. You can’t get that stain out.
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O-M-G. I just laughed my ass off. Not because you had to go through that, but because I remember it all too well. I always say, “You know you are really a mom when you can catch your kid’s puke in your bare hands. But remember, it’s always better to have a towel.” Seriously.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
@Ally, Ahhh the catching…can’t forget that. There’s a car story about that one. But I’ll save it for a rainy day.
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Ugh yes they are. I’m happy that my son AJ finally figured out to throw up in the toilet. He has a sensitive gag reflex so he knows what the throw up feeling is.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:43 pm
@Amanda Jillian, Thank goodness. My son doesn’t get it. I think he freaks out and has no clue where it needs to go…and he’s probably scared of putting his head in the place where he poops.
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Amanda Jillian Reply:
February 15th, 2013 at 4:52 pm
@Kimberly, Yeah I could imagine that has to be worrying for a kid.
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Laughing SO HARD!
There is a flu epidemic over here that must have jumped over to Canada, carried by a tsunami of vomit.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:42 pm
@Lady Jennie,Oh a tsunami of vomit!!! HAHAHA
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OMG, poor Chunky. But holy good God, I am laughing so hard. I love little ones. You have some cat-like reflexes there!
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:42 pm
@Charlotte, I would like to give a special nod to my pediatric ER experiences. Dodging all things gross is mah thing
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Ooohhh, how I understand! The same thing’s been going around at my kids’ school, too. Not. Fun. I hope everyone’s feeling well over there again soon. Thinking of you!
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:40 pm
@Emily, So not fun. You can see all the run down faces of the kids entering school. We are feeling much better!
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I am now feeling a bit ill. SO much so that I couldn’t make it through the whole thing.:( Poor you guys.
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:40 pm
@Andrea, My bad. All is good in the hood now
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This just made me feel all the feelings in the world. I laughed, I cringed, I might have barfed a little myself, I commiserated.
Hope your home is healthy today!
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Kimberly Reply:
February 14th, 2013 at 1:39 pm
@Laura, It’s all good now! Ahh only moms can truly understand the pain we go through when our kids are sick
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And this is why I loves you so. Z, at 3, just experienced vomit for the first time (forever and ever now affectionately referred to as “the food spilled out my mouth.”) And yes, I’m pretty sure my first words to my husband who was just as frozen as me, in slow motion was, “That is fucked up. You got this, right?” I am so not the vomit cleaner upper. I hurl. My hurl on top of his hurl would be, like…ungood.
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Umm later his puke getting in her tummy = not good. Just saying
hoping all the bugs are gone fron your house and ong need to lay off the drinky
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Love your face in the picture! Says it all
Too funny! Hope he is feeling better!
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I’m so sorry that I’m laughing at your child puking like that …. Only you could make me giggle south over nasty stomach & bowel issues. Yet another reason I love you
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we only got the flu at my house..no vomit…or the other…
thank gawd.
but when my sons do have a stomach bug, I curse, a lot..and I run.
you still made me giggle…about PUKE and POOP..that’s talent gurl.
xo
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and what is it with our genius kids anyway..Gio will say “I AM VERY NAKED” too..as if they are different levels of naked. Hmmm? LOL
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That would have been the PERFECT time to teach him about STDs. I hope you seized that opportunity.
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You are the only person who can write about vomit and have a girl sucked in and laughing. I’m at a friends and made her read it too! She was cracking up!
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