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You’re A Dick…LOL

I’m all about passive aggressiveness.

If there was a club, I’d join it.

I’d probably be the president, chairman, and CEO.

I’d have an office on the top floor with a gorgeous view of Detroit. It’s pretty at night when the police sirens light up the sky. When you add in gun shots it’s almost like being at a fire work show.

Then I’d think about that one time when I got mugged and how my American employer screwed me royally when I injured my back which resulted in chronic pain and snarly toenails because I can’t bend to cut them.

Then I’d get angry.

Then I’d go on Facebook fully knowing that I do have friends from around that area and I’d take out my aggression on them in the form of a facebook status.

For example:

Dear ‘Merica,
I’m coming to shop. All I have in my purse is a wallet, chapstick, and a pack of halls to defend myself. Please don’t shoot me.
Signed Canadian

You ever notice how Facebook brings out the ugly in people?

It’s awesome.

You can say just about anything on there like this one time I wrote:

Legos cause cancer.
Just kidding. 
Stop buying them for my child.

Because I wanted to kill every person that bought him a Lego set for Christmas. Not that I wasn’t grateful, I just hate picking that shit up.

Oh and New Years. I was in a bad place and wanted to vomit every time I read a post about happy and love and hope and I’m totally going to drop 20 pounds this year…

No you’re not.

So I wrote this gem:

Yay it’s 2013!
I can’t wait to start my new diet of eating nothing but sour kids and laughing at all the assholes who decided to get fit this year.
PS. I give you 6 weeks. LOL.

And notice how I added the LOL?

LOL is the go pass to be an asshole.

But in real life you can’t use LOL.

Like when you kicked in the bathroom door you can’t say, “LOL.”

Or when you took your cell phone and threw it across the room because you had to reboot it again, you can’t say, “LOL.”

Or when you yelled at the Chinese guy who didn’t understand that all of the live lobsters where fucking sold you can’t smile and say, “LOL”

Or when you went to a bar to meet your husband’s friend’s new girlfriend, and you had a million panic attacks because the bar was jam packed and you couldn’t hear shit. When you finally caught her eye and she started to talk about country, you picked up a fork and knife and pretended to drill it into your ear canals and said “Country gives me herpes.”

Or when you kicked your parent’s dog in the head because he looked like he was going to jump on you and the room got silent and your Mom looked at your brother’s new girlfriend and said “It’s ok, she’s bipolar”

And no it’s not ok.

Those things keep you up in the night.

You regret the things that flew out of your mouth or from your hands.

You try to remember if you apologized after the fact.

Because having bipolar disorder does not excuse you from anything.

You’re responsible for your actions.

And you’re constantly reminded of them and how they impact everyone around you when your son walks into your bedroom and sees with you with your hood on and a blanket pulled over your shoulder. He’ll shout “Dad, don’t come in Momma’s room. She will get very very angry. She is angry. So very angry.”

And your heart will smash into a million pieces.

You worry that your family and friends will start to push away from you.

Or that they’ll just ignore you until the storm passes.

You watch your husband hobble around the house in a boot trying to clean because “I just want you to be happy.”

And you’ll hear him say those infamous words over and over until your next psychiatrist appointment…

“You’re beautiful, when I don’t look into your crazy eyes. Someone call a priest. We need to exercise those demons.”

And then you will punch him.

And then he’ll grab you and pull you in close.

He’ll whisper in your ear, “You’re nuts.”

And you’ll both laugh and stand there for a while until the dog shows up to sniff your crotches.

Because he’s an asshole.

And one day you will dream of skinning that fucker for every piece of dog hair that migrated into your food.


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32 comments to You’re A Dick…LOL

  • Sending hugs, Kimberly. It can’t be easy living like that… Hang in there.


  • Anger is an asshole. Unlike your household, my idiotic kids/husband don’t understand the cues so when I unleash my anger they get mad back. Then I plant things like legos and ninjas with sharp swords in their walking paths for future destruction. LOL.


  • Sigh. I wish it was easy to take it, fold it all up and stuff it into an envelope that you could mail all the way across the effin universe. (hugs) girl.


  • Hugs, girl. And thanks for giving me a little insight into bi-polar disorder. My son’s sister-in-law suffers from it. This post helps.


  • You’re beautiful and funny. I’m so glad you both have a sense of humor, it’s got help, right?


  • Hi sweet Kim. I don’t make it over here nearly often enough, but know that I think of you a lot and love you even more. It’s weird to love someone you’ve never met, but I do love you. For your struggles, your amazing sense of humor, your courage, and your beautiful smile. You share with us and you don’t hold back. Not many people can say that. You have my admiration. But you already know that.

    No LOL’s needed.



  • Kim…you’re right. How you described what it’s like living and breathing with this thing that is beyond our control most of time…but yet we always have to take responsibility for the impact it has on ourselves and those closest to us…even strangers. I laughed reading this because as always, you’ve found a way to make this brilliantly funny…but I started to cry a little because I’ve been thinking some of these very same things (and even paranoid about them…and people) for the past two weeks. I wish we could LOL about this…kind of angry that we can’t, and that guilt is such a motherfucker. (HUGS)


  • The laughter is what keeps shit together. Trust me, I know.


  • Oh, Kim. How I do love you.

    No, it’s not alright to have outbursts but sometimes we do. I can totally relate to wondering if I apologized for random mean things I said.


  • Pssst, you’re kinda hot when you’re crazy.
    My inexplicable anger always gets worse when my husband asks me if I’ve taken my meds. Jerk.
    I’m glad your guy isn’t one of those. Thank god for his sense of humor, and yours.


  • My weight-loss plan didn’t last two days. Sigh. (So you would have been totally right for LOLing me.) I’m glad you’ve got a guy who makes you laugh. I’m not glad you’ve got LEGOs coming out of your hoo-haa.


  • you’re not an asshole, you’re a person who has emotions. *when visiting the united states, you MIGHT want to avoid the detroit/flint, michigan area (i live in michigan), there are cooler places/states, i swear.


  • oh yeah, and FUCK legos and the fucking horse they rode in on.


  • jen

    The only thing worse then letting it out kim is keeping in all in I would imagine! That and lego’s of course!


  • Janet

    I commend you for not using your diagnosis as an excuse. I have a friend who is always saying, “Well, you know, I AM bipolar”…

    I really don’t think you’re going to lose anyone in your life, Kim, because in knowing you, they see that you don’t mean to act in these ways -

    It’s such a tricky balance between keeping your feelings stuffed inside and going too far with expressing anger. I am always wondering what that balance is myself.



  • I’m so glad you can LOL through. I’m pretty sure it’s the only way to make it.


  • Don’t you just hate when you are upset and people just walk away. I have depression/mania and when I get upset people just wander away and then come back and ask “are you better now?”


  • Kir

    here’s what I know.
    I hate , hate with the heat of a thousand suns, fucking legos. I want to have a burning of them. Ahem.

    and I’m not bipolar, at least no one has told me I am yet…but honestly, I feel this way all the time lately too. I just want to smack dumb people, I want people to start listening to me and stop talking over me..I want to stop stepping on Legos.

    Arnebya’s comment…”WHAT SHE SAID”.

    love you gurl.


    Katie Reply:


    My thoughts exactly! I am not bipolar and I agree with all the stuff you said. I don’t say it in public or post it, but MAN I wish I could sometimes!! You have a great sense of humor that shows even in the difficult times. I hope it keeps shining through. :)


  • I always told my kids that they can never use their special needs as an excuse for bad behaviour. They just have to work harder than everyone else to hold it all together. Sorry to be the condescending voice.


  • You’re an angry sonofabitch


  • Curse Legos.
    Curse assholes on FB who have no sense of humor
    Curse bipolar.
    Love you. xoxoxo


  • um. I love this post for a million reasons but the only one I can focus on right now is that Kir said “fuck” in your comment section. KIR!

    That is talent right there.

    Don’t you LOVE IT when people point out your negativity as if you don’t know it’s there? That is my favorite and most definitely does NOT make me want to punch all the faces.



  • I’m glad that you can LOL your way through. It has to help, even just a bit.


  • If you can LOL, you’re winning and that goes for all of us!


  • The damn dogs always ruin the moment, don’t they? ;-)
    And OMG, the legos. Fortunately, I can tell you there will come a time when they are no longer residing in your house. Until then – wear shoes. That’s the only advice I can give.

    And you my sweet blogger friend, you keep on writing because this stuff is absolute brilliance. I know I’ve said it, but your ability to write about the awful you’ve gone through is a gift beyond understanding. You are amazing. I admire you and your strength in a way I can’t really put words to.


  • OMG I hate hate those legos especially the mini ones. They are a pain in the ass!
    You are absoeffinlutely awesome, girl!


  • I totally thought you were saying you met your HUSBANDS new girlfriend and I thought, well hell, I’d be pissed too and I’m not even bipolar. Allegedly.
    You rock.


  • Not much more to add but I am reading & I love you & how scary about the woman taking your money!!


  • I. Love. You.

    My heart aches that it’s so hard.


  • I love you. And I love that he’s so good to you. I’m sorry that you battle like that. We’ll keep on kicking ass.

    And don’t worry, America has its bullshit. Feel free to call us out at anytime.


    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jess, AHAHA…no just Detroit. Such an odd place. It should be its one screwed up country.


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