My favourite colour is purple.
When I was a kid I defied the rules and coloured everything in purple.
“Pumpkins are orange Kimberly.”
“Fuck you grade one teacher. This bitch is purple.”
I never said that.
One Christmas, my weird multimillionaire Aunt bought my sister leather purple pants. I still don’t know how she can live with herself after purchasing clothing that selfishly took the lives of 50 innocent cows just to make a pocket. They were so huge you could upholster an entire car and still have some leather left over to make a skirt for Kim Kardashian.
Even through its hideousness, I could see potential in them. I envisioned stuffing it and putting it in my living room of my “big girl” house. I also wanted to be a Chinese waitress.
Then I grew up and realized that it wasn’t such a good idea to be a Chinese waitress because I wasn’t Chinese and a couch with legs was kind of weird.
So I decided to make my bridesmaids wear purple instead.
I sure did.
I even told them that they would look beautiful at any event like funerals.
That’s always an awkward event to dress for.
I have funeral pants.
They have permanent creases where they were folded over the hanger. Sometimes they have dust on them.
(I take comfort in that because it means that people I love don’t die that often.)
They are black with tiny purple pinstripes.
Are pinstripes in style?
Probably not.
And I’m guessing that purple pants aren’t either.
The lady in front of me at the cash register didn’t get that memo.
If you’re going to rock purple pants, you should not throw down 12 cases of cat food on the conveyor belt and pretend that it’s acceptable to own cats.
I like dogs.
And grumpy cat because he’s awesome.
The story gets better.
She had a stack of coupons.
Now, I love coupons. I use them when I go shopping in the United States of America.
Once I saved $9.45.
It paid for my right eyebrow to get waxed.
In Canada, coupons aren’t that popular. Why? I don’t know.
We do get coupons for commemorative plates.
Jesus Christ get your hair out of my steak.
In case you were into that sort of thing.
If you are, that’s creepy.
So there I was, reflecting on my admiration of the colour purple and how it touched my life in a positive way (unlike my one boyfriend who just didn’t get where “it” was) when purple pants cat food eater, started questioning the cashier about her ability to scan coupons. She asked her to manually type in the codes.
Manually.
An hour later, which was probably more like 4 minutes in reality, purple nurple feline lover gets her bill and the cashier starts ringing up my crap.
But purple fur didn’t move her cases into her cart as she went over her bill.
I started to get angry because my tampon box was now touching her pussy cans.
“Can you move please?” I said softly.
“I can’t see my savings on this bill. Where are my savings?”
“Can you move please?” I repeated.
“I can’t see them. I had a lot of coupons.”
“Can you move please?”
“I can’t afford to be paying this amount on cat food.”
“Then you shouldn’t have this many fucking cats.”
I wanted to say.
Anyways the point of this story, is that when I picked up Chunky from school he said:
“Momma, Alexis flushed her watch in the toilet! It was so funny. We killed the toilet.”
“So you killed the toilet with Alexis?”
“What? No. Alexis killed it. With her purple watch. That’s her favourite colour.”
And that’s when I heard my grade one teacher cackle.
“Fuck you Kimberly. That pumpkin should have been orange.”
I’ve never seen purple pants in real life, ever. True story.
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I had a purple dress in my youth that was my absolute favorite! Unfortunately that was about 150 pounds ago!
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Jesus Christ get your hair out of my steak. You are so funny.
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Purple is awesome. Coupon plates are scary. Too many cats makes me think they are going to start breeding in that lady’s house like a horror movie. The end.
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You crack me up. And commemorative plates kinda creep me out.
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You make me laugh … hilarious post! Only you can make a funny story out of purple, cat food and coupons.
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This: “unlike my one boyfriend who just didn’t get where “it” was” was a coffee snorting moment.
Really, stores need one of those big mechanical arms to come in and just sweep people like the purple cat lady out of the way.
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Grumpy cat and that damn plate are KILLING ME. OMG I fucking love you. I am at my desk not giving two shits about who hears me laughing and then if they come and ask what’s so funny I’ma say purple pumpkins, bitch. You gon’ get me fired because pin stripes are still in depending on width and tampons and pussy were made for each other as long as one is not scented and the other ain’t too furry.
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Listen twisted sister…
I defend the colour purple with everything that I have, because since grade 6 it has been my very favourite.
But, you my friend?
You need to stay away from the grocery store.
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Red’s my favorite color, mostly because I had a red dress that looked amazing on me when I was about your age. Purple is my second favorite color. Do people really have OR NEED a second favorite color?
And I hated my 4th grade teacher. She picked on me because of my unruly curly hair. She was 112, going bald, with a little patch of white hair on her head…probably transplanted from her pits. Ewwww. Hated her.
Nice visiting with you. Gotta go.
XOXOXOXOXOXOs
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I used to think purple was my favorite color but I realized that I really didn’t like it all that much. Now I don’t have a favorite color. The end.
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Hahaha you are pure awesomesauce, girl!
Love the grumpy cat too and I’m not even a cat person.
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Um, you know I adore you right? There’s a video of grumpy cat doing the harlem shake you must see. Also? Chunky needs to buy you purple pants for your birthday. If anyone could pull them off, you could. xoxo
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I love you more than ever before.
Also, I love purple.
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If I would have been your teacher I would have said, “My dear, if you see a purple pumkin, you are indeed going to be a WRITER!
Love you, Ms. P. Xx
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I like purple. And I especially like the way you say “coloUr purple.” Cooky Canadian.
{I’ve missed you something fierce. And I’m inboxing you soon. Look for me, mmmkay?}
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Purple is cool. My girls wore black. Because I’m awesome that way. And they could SO wear it again. All ELEVEN of them. (Yes. I do SO mean that.)
And I’m the crazy coupon cat lady. Oops. But I don’t use Qs for my cat food because we buy that at the pet store. Where you can get pets, but we have enough. 2 dogs and 4 cats … see – I toldja. We’re cat people. Still love me?
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Ummmmm meow? Would it help if I said green was my favorite color.
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Those purple dresses are seriously pretty. Your bridesmaids thanked you, I’m sure.
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Purple is my favorite color, too. Love that you made your bridesmaids wear this… and that you also love Grumpy Cat. You are irresistible
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Kimberly Reply:
February 28th, 2013 at 12:55 pm
@Charlotte, Grumpy cat keeps me sane somedays. Yes I truly did make them wear it. Muwhahaha
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you will never know how much that grumpy cat/jesus meme means to me, if we were living in the dark ages i would commit my life to being your indentured servant. i love you.
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Murano lost a lot of its prestige since ancient times and many artists all over the world make beautiful glass objects today, using the processes invented in Murano. But, even today, art pieces, like your little watch, made by Murano glass makers, are special because they carry with them a bit of Venice and its history. always tell the best stories, grandma. I will wear this watch forever said my granddaughter. Can a grandma want anything more? oakley polarized jupiter sunglasses
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