Skip to content

Oh I Didn’t See You There

He giggled as he dramatically fell backwards into the car over and over.

“Hurry up Chunky! I’m getting wet out here!”

“It’s heavy! My backpack is heavy,” he shouted as he tried to wriggle himself off of the floor like a turtle flipped on its back.

“Chunky, you have a hot lunch today. There is nothing in your backpack. You can’t carry air?”

“Oh.”

He stood up, straightened his shirt, reached for my hand, and then leapt like a frog without fear onto the pavement.

“Momma, we are so going to be so late for today!”

I rolled my eyes and pulled his arm towards the narrow path sandwiched between two homes.

A woman with a Labatt’s Blue umbrella approached us from the other direction. Immediately I knew that I wanted to be her best friend because you can’t just stroll into a grade school with a classy accessory like that without being fucking awesome.

I smiled as she squeezed herself underneath my umbrella and I took note of the zit on her cheek. That’s how close we got. As I adjusted the umbrella back over our heads, Chunky had found a snail crawling across the pavement. Other kids soon crowded around that ugly thing in amazement. I wondered who would be the first gross kid to pick it up.

“We’re going to be late for today. Remember?” I poked at Chunky’s shoulder.

He waved to it and said, “Bye sticky thing.”

We made it to the front doors just in time. I kissed him goodbye then scurried across the parking lot towards the path. I sort of felt like a kid playing hopscotch as I skipped around massive puddles. It really didn’t matter though. The bottoms of my pants were already soaked.

I only took a few quick steps on the path when I heard and felt the crunch.

Immediately I knew.

I killed the snail.

For some reason, I started to laugh thinking of those kids who had huddled around it.

They would come looking for it when school was over.

I imagined their disappointed faces and wondering who was the cruel human being to step on one of God’s creatures and then they would make a pact and decide to become vegetarians in honour of the snail that they would name Slime Shady.

Then they’d grow up, and incorporate this event into a wedding speech.

Or a blog post.

Who knows.

I didn’t want to be responsible for that chain of events so I contemplated kicking, no, scraping it towards the grass so they wouldn’t see the carcass.

But I was wearing my blue flats.

The moral of the story is that we all have the potential to be snail killers.

No, I actually wanted to make this into some sort of inspirational post that basically told you that you should slow down to observe the small things like disgusting snails that rich people eat at fancy parties.

Because life is too short.

Ask the snail.

Then I was going to make one of those buttons that bloggers do with a quote on it so that other people could ponder my words of wisdom and wish that they had thought of that and then pin it and drive traffic to their blog.

And then I decided that I “ain’t got time for that.”

Yesterday, my pain specialist asked me how I was feeling mood wise.

“Flip flop” I responded.

Sad. Kind of sad. Depressed. Anxious. I think that the computer guy put a chip in our computer so he can get our passwords. Irritable. I sort of want to hit you in the entire head with my purse. Happy-ish. Hey I can smile without it being too painful.

But I’m mostly sad and ridiculously anxious for no reason.

And my hair is falling out in clumps.

What am I doing about it?

Slowing down. Self care. Meditation. I’d go for a walk but it’s been raining. Eat more apples because I’m constipated. Lay on the carpet and make the world’s worst impersonation of a car motor as my son looks in horror.

Small things.

So, how is your day?

By the way, if you see a snail on a milk carton, it wasn’t me.

57 Comments

  1. Snails are gross anyway.

    I am stressed out and anxious about summer. But I can also smile without it being too painful, so there’s that.

    Much love to you. I bet you do an awesome impression of a car motor. 😉

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Katie Sluiter, i’m stressed about summer too and I have no idea why. Weird.
      I’m glad you’re smiling friend 🙂

  2. RIP Slime Shady.
    Also, sorry about your shoes (snail bits on the sole).
    May summer bring you peace and love and no dead snails. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Alison, I had to save the shoes from any more damage. Seriously.
      I hope summer does that for me too. xo

  3. Purse. Entire head. That is my life. Also, staplers. Full on to the forehead because people can be assholes. Up, down, inside out, happy, not so happy, sorta kinda happy, forgot what happy is, with bits of spark and dead snails whose death is actually kinda funny, not sad, so then I smile despite myself. Drinking all the pepsi but none of the tequila. Better. Slower. My car motor sounds like I should be gyrating during phone sex.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Arnebya, Staples are awesome because you can say things like “Damn this thing got jammed. How’s your eye. Would you like me to call your next of kin?”
      So today my son was all “Where’s the slimy thing” and I said somewhere nice and warm and very heavenly.
      Meh. They’re gross.

  4. I hope your balance shifts a little more to smiles and a little less from top-secret-computer-chip-spies. (And oh, the snail. So weird to think they’re considered a rich person food. I mean, ew.)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @angela, I actually ate one but it was hidden under lots of melted cheese. I thought it was a stuffed mushroom. Ack!!!

  5. “Your entire head” I don’t know why I like that so much. You make me laugh. Poor snail. At least you didn’t step on it in front of all the kids. ha. And seriously, you can’t brush it with your favorite shoes.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Greta, Right? Save the shoes!

  6. When I was a kid I purposefully put salt on a slug because I wanted to see what would happen. I don’t recommend this. I still feel weird about it. I’m a slug killer. And they’re worse than snails. Or are they the same?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Tamara, OH no…do they shrivel or something??? Ummm…I don’t know. I think I’ll have to google it.

  7. I love the way your humor shines through your writing, even when you are sad. Hugs, girl. And know I’m not a snitch. They’ll never get any information about that snail’s passing from me!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Eva Gallant, Good. I didn’t want to have to come and break your legs 🙂

  8. I have lots of snails in my yard. Your welcome to come crunch away! I think it is a great stress reliver. 🙂
    I had to start taking Biotin when my hair started coming out. Now, I have new growth coming in. So glad! I was about to break down and buy Rogaine for women.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Angelia Sims, I just started taking that. I looked it up online. How long did it take for it to work? Like my hair is literally coming out in handfuls

      • @Kimberly,

        Mine was too. I would walk around shedding hair. If I brushed or washed it, handfuls would come out. So awful! Luckily, I have thick hair. It thinned and wasn’t thick anymore. I started taking Biotin the highest dose. I think it stopped within a week or two. It also worked on my husband’s. His was falling out from thyroid meds.

  9. Have you been living in my head? I haven’t killed a snail, but I did mock my mother-in-law for breaking her wrist while trying to kill a centipede. I’m pretty sure I’m ruining my 5 year old and that my Dh will never send me out for alone time. And I’m sure something horrible is going to happen to my 2 year old. But my therapist says I’m doing great so the tears and snot must be my imagination. All that to say, I don’t know what. Love you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Charity, Bwhahah!!! trying to kill a centipede!!

  10. Janet Janet

    Word on the street is that snailslaughter is more of a heinous crime than manslaughter, so you may not get parole…

    I’m proud of you for doing self-care, slowing down, meditating. You have a genius for seeing the beauty and humor in life, even when you’re depressed and sad.

    Janet
    xoxox

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Janet, Well the judge and the jury somehow ended up under someone’s car tire…so my case was dismissed.
      Yea, I need to slow it down…a lot. My anxiety is all over the place, mostly because our routines have shifted and I am a slave to routines and consistency. I think once I get used to it, things will fall back in place:)
      xoxo

  11. *sigh* highs and lows. Great thoughts and then miss-mash.

    I can relate.

    The snail would have died anyway, eventually. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nancy, That’s what I was thinking. I was just making the death process a little quicker.
      Yea, flip flops…good on feet…not so good in the soul. xoxo

  12. “…because you can’t just stroll into a grade school with a classy accessory like that without being fucking awesome.” – and this is why I love you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Ally, HAHAH! oh I love you too. I wish I had balls like that. I was terrified to show up to his school wearing jogging pants the other day!

  13. Sending you my love, sweet friend. Hoping that the rain eases up soon so that you can go for a walk. I hear that prunes work wonders for constipation. 😉

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenny, Oh…not…the…prunes…I actually had injections yesterday and whatever they gave me made my bowels sing in praise. Sorry for the visual.

  14. I want to know if you proceeded to meet up with the umbrella, zit-cheeked chick and have tea.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sue – The Spin Cycle, No. I probably wouldn’t recognize her without the umbrella and the zit. And it’s sunny today soooo….we may never cross paths again. Either will that snail.

  15. Raining. Foggy. Ugly in Minnesota,
    but sending you much warm love, you snail murderer.

    Xxxx

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @My Inner Chick, My trial date was set for next week but some car ran over the jury. What can you do.
      What is up with this weather?

  16. I have stepped on a snail. barefoot. YUCK! so lucky for you that you had shoes on. my day? well, and extension of my post that you so wonderfully emailed me about. I will reply to you. I promise. Oh, and the weather here in paradise? yeah it sucks donkey butt!! Its been raining non-stop and it doesn’t appear to want to stop until next Saturday…yay!!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Krystal, Bare…foot.
      Did you get a tetanus shot?
      Lord. I could feel every part of that thing crack. Gah.
      It’s sunny today…shhhh…don’t tell mother nature. She’ll get all pissy and want to ruin the fun.

  17. My anxiety has been awful lately, so glad you are taking lots of steps to make yourself feel okay. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jessica, Oh honey. I am so sorry that you’re not feeling good either. I hope that you too are doing things to keep you going. xoxo

  18. Omg, this is hilarious. Are you sure it was the REAL Slime Shady? 😉

    I totally know those flip flop days. You described it beautifully.

  19. This has zero to do with your post but! I have been insanely premenstrual for a week, and my back has been very sore. All I can think of is that I’m a total baby because I’m sure my back is 1/1000th as sore as yours is on a normal day and god woman, you’re just freaking amazing. xoxoxo

  20. You are awesome. That’s it. Totally enjoyed this from start to finish.

  21. Are you slowing down, like a snail? Ha/ha! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Really, I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for not making one of those buttons. As for the rest, well, the rest is just so real and true and so well said that that in itself should count as self-care. I hope it does.

  22. Guilty. I’m one of those bloggers who makes the quote buttons. I just find them so cute and fuzzy.

    I’m excited about the Overnight walk this weekend.

  23. Poor snail. Slime Shady. Best name ever. I think summertime is anxiety inducing for moms. I don’t know what we’ll do this summer, esp after I’ll be holed up with a newborn. *PANIC*

  24. Life is too short – just ask the snail? HAHAHAHHA!!! I’ve been really anxious this week too. Sorry to hear that you’ve been but I hope that this weekend will bring you lots and lots of laying on the floor time.

  25. Slime Shady! I love you more and more every post.
    I hate those damn quote buttons. Narcissistic much?
    I think I will make one that says “You should have seen the giant POOP I took yesterday.” ~Putting the Fun in Dysfunctional ….and see how many repins I get.

  26. heheh Slime Shady. I’m totally appliqueing a snail on a t-shirt with big bold words “Slime Shady” on it and making my son wear it EVERYWHERE. Yup… see what you’ve started?

    I’m glad that none of the kids stepped on it though. That would have been more traumatizing. You’ve actually saved them from that at least. 🙂 And it’s better than my daughter who stepped on every single worm that got in her path on the way to school today and then cackled with joy. Oy!

  27. Jen Jen

    Oh Kimberly you crack me up. I think sometimes people deserve a smack…right upside the head….with a chair. Other days I love them all, even the aholes who honk at me because I didn’t do the drag race pull out from the stoplight. I love you little people, all of you. I love you little escargot as I gobble you up.
    Poor, poor snail killer, will she ever confess?

  28. You always make me laugh. Even when you feel like crap. Which kinda makes me feel like crap now that I think about it. But I think it’s in a good way?

    Anyway. I’m in the midst of a good week after several weeks of hormone-induced depression and “oh, am I talking to myself AGAIN” OCD. Freaking hormones.

    How was the pain treatment? Feeling ANY better?

    xoxo

  29. I’ve killed many a bugs too. Not a snail though. I once ran over a raccoon accidentally. I can still remember the thud. I hope that does’t make me some sort of vermin serial killer. I swear that the raccoon was the only mammal.

    Keep motor boating, hope you feel better. I realize motor boating isn’t the same as a car motor… but you know maybe they both might work.

  30. My mom’s house always has snails crawling around. The kids even made one a pet. I’m sure by now someone has stepped on it though.

  31. I just think you are the coolest most unique lady ever – I love the way you think and express it. And that’s about all I can think of to say.

    Except that I just posted a photo of a snail on my blog.

  32. So, HOW exactly does one imitate a car motor? Really. I need to know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *