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And All The Way Back

Chunky: Your shirt is on backwards Momma.

Me: No it isn’t. The words are on the back so everyone can read it. Are you going to wear yours to school?

Chunky: No way. There’s a “gril” on the back. Why are you wearing it?

Me: I’m wearing it because a lot of people from all over the world are going to walk for Momma’s and their babies.

Chunky: Why are they walking?

Me: Well some Mommas get sick after they have a baby.

Chunky: Oh. The diarrhea. That’s not good.

Me: No. It’s not diarrhea.

Chunky: Did you get sick after you had me?

Me: I did sweets.

Chunky: And you puked! HA! You puked. Gross.

Me: No puking. When you’re older I will tell you about it.

Chunky: I hate learning.

We both laughed as he picked up his casted arm and rested it in my hand. I gently gave it a squeeze.

“It’s happening,” I thought and began to smile.

There was a time when I couldn’t leave my home. I’d watch the same moms from my living room window walking during  those cool summer mornings before the sun scorched the city. I could see their happiness and unwavering love for their babes in their strollers as they took small tender strides.

Their life looked so easy and put together. It’s as if they slid so effortlessly into their new roles as mothers.

And I hated them.  Oh I hated them.

I looked down at my son, swaddled tightly in my arms as I rocked back and forth trying to quell his colicky screams.

When those moms got past my driveway, I would picture myself running after them to yell, “Why wasn’t it you?! Why wasn’t it you?! It should have been you!”

But it was me.

I was chosen to live that twisted smothering hell of fear, despair, hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, and chalk full of regret when I was supposed to be happy.

My name is Kimberly and I was the one in five women to be diagnosed with a postpartum mood disorder.

4 years later “this is happening.”

This is the beautiful life that I had envied after postpartum depression.

This is happening.

I’m living and loving it just like they did.

 

As we approached the class line I kissed the inside of his palm.

Me: I love you to the moon…

Chunky: And I love you all the way back. Momma, I’ll wear the shirt when I get home ok? It’s pretty important for mommas not to have the diarrhea.

 

Today, women and families and friends from all over the world will be dedicating this day, the longest day of the year to those affected and will unfortunately be affected by a postpartum mood disorder.

We will walk, we will climb, we will hold those broken spirits close to our hearts.

We fight for them today and always will.

We are “Climbing Out Of Darkness” and I encourage you to share, join, or maybe donate to this amazing cause.

You can save a life today.

You can save a life tomorrow.

Help women like me overcome this beast.

We can’t do it alone.

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You can find more about this monumental walk on Postpartum Progress.

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67 Comments

  1. That was beautiful. SO glad you made it and it is happening for you. xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Tina, Well the ppd nightmare part ended but the bipolar part started. But I can say that I did conquer the ppd part with pride 🙂

  2. I feel like a jerk for not supporting the cause today but I’m just not in the mood for life right now. Kudos to you and Chunky for spreading the word.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Pamela Gold, I get it. Completely. But just think of all the women you’ve helped along this run to the toilet. This doesn’t need a specific day. It happens all the time you reach out or talk about it. You’re a fierce momma. xoxo

  3. This is where you want to be and you’re doing it. I’m so happy for you! I’m behind you 100% where do I sign up?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Krystal, I’ll send you the documents later today 🙂

  4. You were writing about ME!! ME!! And, my name happens to be Kimberly too!! I was there 5 years ago! I am climbing today in California. :). Great story.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kimberly S., That is so friggen awesome…the walking part…not the you having diarrhea like I did. We are all so much stronger in numbers!

  5. I’m proud to be doing this with women like you. You give me strength and help me see myself as full of courage.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Susan, You do the same exact thing for me girl. I’m so glad that you took part in this day. We are all friggen amazing. xo

  6. All you grils rock. And it’s important and inspiring and I’m proud of you and glad you don’t have the diarrhea because THAT would be embarrassing. Are there port a potties on the walk route? Sometimes adult underwear don’t seem like they’d be so bad to wear all day everyday and just get lazy and Al Bundyish and tell your spouse if you loved me you’d wipe my ass and change my diaper. I got a little off topic.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Arnebya, I love when you get off topic. I did have the diarrhea after I ate at IHOP. Damn blueberry pancakes will get you every time. Either that or our waiter picked her ass before she touched my fork. Bitch.

  7. Oh G-d I love this so much. *sniffle* That kid. That kid is something. But seeing how incredible his momma is? Shows me exactly why.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Andrea, Oh babe…thank you xoxo

  8. so good to “see” you girl. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @grace, long distance high five xo

  9. He is such an amazing boy who takes after his amazing momma. My friend Gwen and I walked. We had to cut the hike short because we got caught in a torrential downpour. It was amazing!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenny, Boo rain!! I wish that I had known about the walk earlier. I could’ve had a mini team. xo

  10. Chunky is amazing . . . as is his mother. I should have walked, should have done something, but I just couldn’t. Thank you for speaking out for others who just can’t.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jenn@Fox in the City, Every day you reach out, blog, talk about it, chat on twitter, you are contributing. It doesn’t need a walk or week or whatnot….it just needs awareness and you my dear do that and then some xoxo

  11. i am a blubbering mess reading this. i love you, kim. you are one hell of an inspiration to the rest of us. xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @kelly c, I was a blubbering mess when I typed it out. It’s hard looking back but it’s necessary so that other moms can be inspired to keep fighting. Love you back

  12. And what a voice to help bring recognition to it.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jean, Thanks babe 🙂

  13. Kim.
    You are amazing. Your words are powerful and beautiful and I’m so so so very glad that you’re climbing out of the diarrhea hell of depression. Your son sounds absolutely charming. It is so important for the mamas not to have the diarrhea.
    Hugs and clapping.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kristi Campbell, It is. It’s just so sad that one and five of us will get it. But that’s why I keep writing so that women know that this can happen to anyone. Anyone.
      xoxo

  14. Yay! I’m so glad you are living that life! And writing about it with such beauty and eloquence. What a triumph. We are all lucky!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Rachel, It was. The day I was diagnosed as bipolar, I looked back and said, “Yup, I killed PPD”…even though I opened up a door to new demons. I still beat it. So boom.

  15. Oh, my goodness with the diarrhea and whatnot! I feel like whenever you post things like this, I’m all, “Me, too!” But seriously, me, too. Things got pretty dark and psychosis-y after my first was born. I’m so glad you guys are doing this!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sanstrousers, I am so sorry that you had to experience this too. It’s awful. It’s more awful that other women will have to fight this too. But I am so glad that you made it. You’re proof that it can be done. Much love to you for your fight!

  16. No puking. No diarrhea. Which can be about as bad as kids can imagine sometimes. At least my kids. (and me)

    Go, you. You go live that life and write about it in such wondrous ways!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Tamara, He’s a boy. He relates everything to ungodly body functions 🙂
      xo

  17. I love this so much. When I also had the diarrhea, I had the same exact thoughts about those other mamas.
    xo

  18. Powerful, Significant, Important words from a KICK ASS pro-active woman.

    I admire and appreciate you, Kimberly.

    Love U. Xx

  19. I’m so glad you got over the diarrhea.
    I didn’t even know about this walk =( I’m going to check it out and see if it happens anywhere near me.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @cyndy, Well, I actually went to IHOP on the weekend and I must’ve had bad eggs. I’ll leave it at that.
      I think the walk is going to be a regular thing. How awesome is that!

  20. What a touching post. I’m so glad you’re climbing out of the dark. Chunky loves you all the way back from the moon!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Eva Gallant, If it weren’t for him giving me love and smiles and just awesomeness, I don’t know where I would be. He’s an amazing kid xoxo

  21. It made me tear up a bit reading this. I’m so happy to read that you are climbing out of the darkness and are seeing brighter days. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Susi, I’m not sure when it ended and when bipolar started. I definitely know that I conquered the PPD part and I will get this bipolar part under control one day. But there is light. xoxo

  22. There is light. You’re in it, with your amazing Chunky. xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Alison, There sure is. Even if it comes in little spurts, I’ll take it all. xoxo

  23. I have a very close friend that’s gone through ppd. She never wanted to talk about it while it was happening or later, other than acknowledging she had it and I didn’t know what to say, how to help, what she was thinking. I feel like you just took me on a walk through her thoughts and I’m grateful for it. Thank you so much for talking about this and I’m so happy that you’re mindful of the happy moments in life and that you’re getting to experience them now, instead of letting them get away unnoticed like so many of us.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Katia, It’s very hard to talk about feelings with others. I found it so much easier to sit behind a computer and just let it all out there. I’m glad that you were there for her. Maybe being silent was her way of coping? I’m not sure. Everyone deals with it in their own way, but I’m glad that she was able to ask for help from her doctors.
      xo

  24. I’m so glad that it is happening for you. Such a touching post. I wish I knew about this walk earlier but so happy that this is going on. This is an amazing thing 🙂 xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Andrea, I wish that I did too so that I could have helped more. I didn’t realize it was happening because I’ve been dealing with other demons. But next year for sure!

  25. I’m so glad you got out and live the life that other moms envy. It sucks that other moms have to be there first, too, though.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Greta, It does. I can’t even imagine going through this without getting help. I am so grateful for Katherine Stone for all the hard work she puts into bringing awareness to this ugly monster.

  26. You and Chunky – what an amazing, awesome pair you are.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Ally, He’s my Robin to my Batman. Dynamic duo minus those spandex pants.

  27. Wonderful, wonderful. I couldn’t do it this year…but I’ll be there next year.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Charity, I honestly didn’t know about it until the last minute…dealing with the bipolar demons but when I saw it, I needed to be a part of it. You’re apart of it all the time when you support those in need. xo

  28. A very serious and whole heart full of thank you’s
    Xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Leighann, I love you and that is pretty much it…but a lot more…gah you get it. xo

  29. I just love your writing. I’m glad to see that your sense of humor has been passed on, too. 😉

  30. I too suffered from PPD. My regular doctor refused to prescribe me anything for it and acted like it was all in my head. In desperation, I called my OB-Gyn’s office-she called me back personally and prescribed me something right over the phone. She was horrified that he had blown me off like that. Thank goodness I persisted and got help!

    Your conversation with your little one made me giggle! 😀 I’m so glad that the sun is shining down on you now and you can enjoy it once again.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @The Sadder But Wiser Girl, Oh no. My family doctor did that too. She said “Do you have support?” and when I said yes, she said then I don’t have it. It was awful.
      I’m glad that you kept pressing on for help. I just think of all the other women who get brushed off and never get the help they need. xo

  31. And I’m crying now. One of my friends had post-partum depression, and it later developed into post-partum psychosis. She committed suicide almost two years ago, leaving behind a preschooler and an infant. I am so glad you have found your way out of the darkness.

    This is beautiful. So inspiring, and yet you still manage to make me laugh out loud- the diarrhea.. the “I hate learning.”- you are such a gifted blogger in that way. Thank you for this incredible post.

  32. I love the way you write. You manage to make me giggle even when you’re making me tear up. I’ll have to add the walk to my calendar for next year… PPD sucked.

    Bug hugs for you and Chunky!

  33. Jen Jen

    You rock! You are such an inspiration, and you made me cry – which I hate. But I’ll forgive you:-) I am so proud of you for being out there and a voice for this, so many moms need support and help. You are helping.

  34. Yes! I love the story. You bring so much beauty to the world Kimberly. 🙂

  35. Good to bring it out in the open and support those dealing with it. xo

  36. Awww bless you two. Chunky’s love and your love are so strong my friend. You are freaking awesome! PPD is a biotch!

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