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Babies Come From The God Store

I didn’t realize how disgusting the stadium floors were. Gum, smashed peanut shells, and a trail of toilet paper that led to a beastly man holding a tray of nachos. He did not go easy on the jalapenos which meant that he was definitely going to have the worst case of lava shits in the morning.

It was Star Wars night at the ballgame. Basically a convention of zits and weird men who bore absolutely no resemblance to the characters they were trying to portray. I was pushed into the middle of the most obnoxious fans on the planet. They collided into my sides and walked so close behind me that I could feel their dirty beer breaths on the back of my neck.DSCN3407

I was one more light saber bum violation away from losing my mind and punching someone in the face with a foam tiger claw. I grabbed onto the back of Shawn’s jeans and gave it a tug. He saw my face and just knew. He pressed on, navigating through the crowd as if he was Moses parting through the sea.

“Breathe,” Shawn said as he forced me to the clearing. I lifted my head and scanned the area for exits. That’s what you do when you’re scared as hell about something and you don’t know what “it” is. I assure you that whatever “it” is, it will be very scary. Like Chewbaca hiding under your bed wearing your panties scary.

Why are you smirking?

You’re just jealous that you don’t have an anxiety disorder a sixth sense like I do.chewie

There were only a few people waiting in line for either the bathroom or the pretzel stand and a woman who was clearly drunk by the way she was held up by the garbage can. She had that familiar beautiful blonde hair that fell perfectly over her shoulders and that unmistakeable voice.

“Chris!” I shouted.

She turned her head and started squealing like a teenage girl. We both ran towards each other and slammed ourselves so hard that our boob job-less boobs squeezed together. For those of us sporting A cup’s and almost B cup bras, that’s called touching souls.

“Oh my god. This is the best birthday present ever,” she said as she accidentally punched her husband in the penis.

Chris white-nursing-sneaker-squeaked her way into my life when I was assigned to train her in the ER. Probably the worst mistake our manager could have made. Kidding. We were fucking awesome together. 

“I can’t believe it’s you. It is really you. Oh I miss you so much and our pubic hair discussions! Honey, remember my Kim? Yes you do. We went to her wedding on my 30th birthday and she made us sit next to that guy in a red tux. Remember? Oh my god. You’re married! No, I know you’re married. I’m drunk.  Oh my god. You’re going to be celebrating your 10th anniversary on my birthday! September 20th! I can’t believe it. This is the best birthday present ever!”

10.

Ten.

Two whole hands according to the fruit of our love.

Chris leaned in and asked, “What keeps the love beating?” Shawn nodded his head and gave me a go to brew up some smart ass comment because it’s fun playing with drunk people. All of a sudden a red light saber cut through our discussion from below.

(sigh) “My dad loves my mom and then she loved my dad and then they loved each other so then they got married and then they went to the graveyard and picked me up and that’s it,” our five year old smart ass said.

“You came from a graveyard?” Chris laughed.

“Yup.” he said proudly.

“I think that we picked you up in aisle 9 in God’s angel store and he put you in my belly.” I said.

“Mommaa, angels live in the graveyard don’t you know.”

DSCN3383

After we mingled for a little while longer and exchanged our good-byes, we made our way back through the thick crowds of fans. The world started to cave in around me and I panicked. I could feel my heart beating in the back of my throat but I could feel Shawn’s hand that was grasped on to me tighter.

I breathed knowing that wherever we were going, we were going to get there together.

Just like we always have for 10 years.

10 years

 

The secret you ask?

Teamwork.

And clean underwear.

 

Happy Anniversary Babe. Thanks for loving me and bringing up the sewing machine for me last night. xoxo

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35 comments to Babies Come From The God Store

  • Sounds like an absolutely gorgeous night (in spite of the anxiety). Happy anniversary :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Considerer, It was. Crowds and me are not good.

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  • Happy anniversary! Those pictures made me smile – Star Wars conventions are just so funny!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nicole, The characters bore no resemblance to the movie. I was dying inside. But he loved it.

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  • Clean underwear that is NOT being worn by Chewbaca because come on, getting that hair off has got to be worse than wiping your goodness region in the shower with your washcloth then realizing you haven’t washed your face and you start the time consuming task of picking off pubes then say fuck it, my face is fine and you drop the washcloth because too many pubes and then they get inside your big toe and next toe and it tickles and it’s so wrong because pubes in your toes. Happy anniversary.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Arnebya, I don’t even know what to say other than I do have a card for the woman who awkwardly takes care of that…and it’s me…so….come to Canada and you won’t have pubic hair…problems that is.

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  • Janet

    What can I write after Arnebya’s post? Happy anniversary, dear Kim and Shawn! Our anniversary is September, too. It’s a good month to be married -

    Janet
    xoxox

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Janet, Happy Belated Anniversary!!! I’m saying that because tomorrow is the 30th and if you were married on that day, I should play the lottery. xoxo

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  • Happy Ten Years! I’ve been to sci-fi conventions. Many. However, not usually during ballgames. So there’s that. Less peppers on the nachos = less lava shits.
    I always, always look for the exit. I’m too anxious not to.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Tamara, I think that ballpark nachos is just a bad idea all around. I imagine that they recycle that tub of melted “fake” cheese until they use it all up. Shudder.
    The game was really great. My son loved it. He is a die hard fan so it was great to see him being so happy.

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  • You’re kinda brilliant. Happy anniversary.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @nothingbythebook, I’m totally brilliant. I’m so brilliant that I’m crazy. Kidding. I’m just crasy.

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  • Happy, happy anniversary, you two crazy kids.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Alison, He’s sane…me no…we are a balancing act :)

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  • hehehe LAVA SHITS! HA.
    (ok sorry)
    (composing myself)
    Happy Anniversary! I’m also relieved that Chris punched her hubs in the penis and not you. Being as it’s your anniversary and all.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kristi Campbell, We’ve all had those poops. My son calls it the gun poop “bang bang bang bang”…fire in the hole. Weird kid.
    Yes, Chris is awesome. The stories I could tell…

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  • Happy Anniversary Kim and Shawn and Chunky! :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nancy, Thanks Nancy! Chunky said “I’m going to puke”…because he’s a boy and it’s gross that your parents love each other.

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  • I made it to ten years and beyond the first time, but not the second time. Let’s hope the third time’s the charm! Hee hee
    Happy Anniversary, y’all are awesome!!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @cyndy, I told Shawn that I’m allowed an upgrade now. Just kidding. He’s a keeper.

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  • Interesting lol I had no idea the God store was in the graveyard.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Amanda Jillian, We tell him that when people die, they become angels. When my grandma died, he had asked why she had to stay in the graveyard…so we said that that is where angels come from. I think…it is kind of creepy though.

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    Amanda Jillian Reply:

    @Kimberly, a little bit but that’s why I like it.

    [Reply]

  • Awww Happy Anniversary!!! Ten years is a big one!! Hope you got some good lovin’. ;) Here’s to (at least) ten more!

    And that’s totally where babies come from. Your kid is a genius.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Julia, He catches me off guard a lot. Their brains are always working.

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  • Happy Anniversary! You are both a shining example of a strong marriage. Here’s to many, many more!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Ally, Thank you! It’s amazing how fast time goes. We have a picture in our hallway that we had people sign on our wedding day. It’s eerie when you think of the people who have split or passed…a lot of things happen in 10 years, that’s for sure.

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  • Your son has such insight and your partnership is one of the good ones. Congratulations on your anniversary and the many years to come!!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Krystal, Why thanks babe! I feel so old that we hit 10…I was just a baby. He totally robbed the cradle. Pervert.

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  • Happy Anniversary! Such a great family. Sounds like you need to visit the graveyard again sometime soon.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Rachel, Oh do I wish. We would love another Chunky, but it’s not our time. We are complete no matter what happens in our lives. But there is always room :)

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  • I looooove your writing. And I love your soul, no matter how many cups it takes to get there. ;-)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Lady Jennie, Hee hee. I love you too. Is it weird that whenever I read your posts or comments, your voice in my head is French? oui, oui?

    [Reply]

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