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Thanks Vanilla Bean And Chuck Norris

It’s hard to find the good in life when you’re mind is succumbed to depression. It loves to showcase all the nitty gritty that you’re supposedly failing at; things that you’d never think twice about like not having enough energy to finish that last load of laundry.

There is nothing worse than measuring up your self worth to doing the laundry.  Just before I was admitted to the psych ward in 2012, I was a laundry nut. I wanted to show my son’s teacher that I was perfect. He had started school that year and I didn’t want her to find out that I was “defective”.  I ironed all the things he wore. I’d spend all night and most of my morning making sure that there were no wrinkles in his attire. I would watch him enter the school and could pinpoint imperfections in his shirt sleeves.

“They’re going to know I’m a horrible mom.”

Sounds completely irrational right? To me, at the time, it was truth.

Laundry ironed = good parenting.

I was entered into an outpatient program upon discharge. I hated it. Everything was redundant and I tried to weasel my way out of it by saying that I was a nurse and knew all of the crap already. They didn’t buy it, and I’m glad that they didn’t. I ended up learning so much about coping skills and how to prevent the downfall from becoming inescapable. Those little gems are kept in my bedside table and are referenced to when I’m sinking.

One of the sections in the book is a gratitude journal. Every morning we had to list things that we were thankful for. I’m embarrassed to say that my first entry was:

“I’m so f*cking glad that the social worker is wearing a scrunchy because it’s not 1990 and it makes me laugh.”

20130316-001735.jpgIt was incredibly frustrating to not be able to think of something to be thankful for. I dreaded doing this and one day, I cracked. She heard my sniffles and addressed the entire room by saying, “It’s hard to find the sunshine in the storm. It’s ok. One day you will see it and it’ll slap you in the face.” (I wrote that down.)

I scratched at the surface of my day. Seemingly insignificant things like “I heard the birds in the morning and it made me think of summer. I like summer.” Then it got deeper and deeper. It’s so important when you’re struggling to find the good in all that you do/experience/feel.

So I decided to jump on the Ten Things Of Thankful because I need to focus on the good. Unless you catch me in the afternoon when my mood completely switches to feeling funny, then all of the things are awesome (Don’t ask. Just roll with it.)

1. Balls: Not of the male variety. I’m talking about being confident. I am proud of myself for advocating for child and parent safety at my son’s school. When my calls went unaddressed, I took it to the next level and called the fire marshal. Yes, I did. (I think I will write a separate post on that…on how us parents become raging elephants).

2. Sun: Two days of it. If it weren’t so cold out, I’d be outside rolling in the snow in my bikini. But then I’d have to shave my legs. Ain’t nobody got the stomach to see the sasquatch I’m growing. Kidding. I did shave my legs for the massage therapist. I’m sure that she appreciated my efforts at looking saucy.

3. Quick wit: If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you can tell by my writing how I’m feeling. I’ve been told that. When I’m in the dumper, I try to make my posts a wee less dark by peppering it with subtle jokes. I know that it’s hard for people to read about my depression and how god awful it is. For me, depression isn’t always 100% all day endless doom and gloom (Key words, for me. Everyone experiences depression in their own hellish ways.). I can laugh too, albeit it takes a lot more for me to do so.  In an odd way, making fun of Oprah and the state of my eyebrows makes me feel better. And I hope that the ones stumbling to my blog via depression search can get a good chuckle even including the person who keeps coming to my blog by googling “road cone in ass”.

4. Tim Horton’s: White hot chocolate with a vanilla bean shot.

 

There is nothing more Canadian than drinking Tim Hortons and watching a good hockey game

There is nothing more Canadian than drinking Tim Hortons and watching a good hockey game

5. Watching my son play hockey: Words cannot describe how beautiful it is to watch him skate with such        confidence…and how mother effing fast he is. He is the fastest skater on the team and I love hearing the parents whisper, “Look at how fast he is.”

This was just before he stepped onto the ice during intermission of an OHL game. He picked jersey #7 (my favourite number)

This was just before he stepped onto the ice during intermission of an OHL game.
He picked jersey #7 (my favourite number)

6. Barenaked Ladies: Not boobie showing naked ladies. The band. Their music is so goofy but oh so lighthearted. By far, my favourite band ever.

7. Friends near and far that text me every day to make me smile.

8. My sister moved home. Gah, she is the most embarrassing person to take out in public and I love it. She lives without reserve and does what makes her happy. I am so glad that she’s back and that she was hired as an RN on the psych ward. Ironic. We joke that if I ever get admitted again (NEVER), I’d get dibs on the penthouse room.

P!nk concert. Things escalated quickly.

P!nk concert. Things escalated quickly.

9. Salami and cheese.

10. New Chuck Norris calendar

I’ll throw in a #11 and say that I’m thankful that you read this whole post or pretended that you did. Lists are sometimes boring. Don’t lie. We all think it. No? I’m an ass shat. Sorry.

So what is making you smile today?

What are you thankful for?

Ten Things of Thankful

Ps. I am so behind in all things related to life, blogging being one of them. Know that I read every single one of your comments and I appreciate them so very much. I’ll get into the swing of things again. I miss reading your lovely blogs.

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62 comments to Thanks Vanilla Bean And Chuck Norris

  • Dawana

    I’m thankful for you. And scrunchies. Also? I saw a kid with a mullet the other day.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Dawana, Did you throw a scrunchie at the mullet?

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  • Janet

    Just so you know, I have never found it depressing to read about your depression! Probably because I sense that you have so much hope beneath the depression, and a fierce life force, even if you’re not conscious of it.

    Chunky looks great in his uniform! And 7 is my favorite number too –

    Janet
    xoxox

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Janet, See I need you to read in between the lines when I’m not feeling so hot. Thank YOU for pointing out my strengths when I don’t feel it in myself. Love you for that.

    He’s actually #19 on his team but the OHL (and sponsor Tim Horton) made them gear up in Tim Bit gear.

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  • I actually love lists, Kim! Salami and cheese in the penthouse…that would be my request too. And some “One Week” playing to cheer me up! Your posts are probably more cathartic and therapeutic to people than you can fathom, my dear! :) I know I’m hooked :) Happy V-Day to you and your beautiful family!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Mike, Salami and the penthouse are two words that shouldn’t go together if ya know what I mean :)

    [Reply]

  • I’m thankful for the sun today. And leftover Christmas chocolate. And Canada whooping ass in Olympic hockey

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Deborah / Mom2Michael, Leftover Christmas chocolate? Seems legit. LOL

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  • Kim

    I love the style of your writing – and the fact that you can find and use humor even on the darkest days amazes me!!!
    I’m thankful for the sunshine you sent me earlier this week and hope to post it this weekend.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kim, I thought of you when I got it :) xoxo

    [Reply]

  • I absolutely love this list. I have been avoiding the Ten Things of Thankful lists (both reading and writing) because many days, I don’t feel like I could write this sort of list. But you know, it may not be a bad idea. Also, I agree that hockey, Tim Horton’s and the Barenaked Ladies are delightful (I met them once in Providence… they were so awesome!). I should have been Canadian.

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    Considerer Reply:

    @Jessica, I will say this – the origin of the list is SO not about ‘shiny happy wonderful everything-alright-with-the-world’ Thankfulness. It’s about the desperate slog to find something *anything* to keep you hanging on in there til the next day.

    It’s a technique I had to employ when I was in the grips of my own depression a decade ago. And last year, after my second miscarriage when my life went to shit. I know people share their sparkly-wonderfulness, but honestly, it has its roots in something FAR deeper, and far more like what Kim’s talking about.

    Any time you’d like to join, I’d be honoured :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Considerer, Join. Join. Join. I didn’t get herpes so it’s safe.

    [Reply]

    Considerer Reply:

    @Kimberly, Are you sure? I hear it takes a while to show up in tests…*blows kisses*

    Dyanne @ I Want Backsies Reply:

    Yes, Jessica, what Lizzi said! One week, I was once so desperate to find something for which to be thankful (let alone TEN) that I listed electric pencil sharpeners as one of mine. There’s always something good, even in the worst of weeks. And, like Kimberly wrote in her gratitude journal about being grateful the social worker wore a scrunchy 20 years after their popularity waned, it may be nothing more than something stupid that made you smile. Please join us!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Jessica, You love all the things Canadian, therefore I declare you an adopted child.
    It is really hard to make a list and sometimes reading others makes me feel like shit. Not gonna lie.

    [Reply]

  • Do you ever feel like you are lying in bed, just like brian wilson did?

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Lyla Jackson, I drove downtown in the rain, 9:30 on an Tuesday night. Just to check out the late night record shop.
    Yes. Yes I do.

    [Reply]

    Lyla Jackson Reply:

    @Kimberly, call it impulsive, call it compulsive, you can call it insane…
    do you ever feel like a song is actually giving you a hug?

    [Reply]

  • Things are bad right now Kim. Really, freaking bad. And I’m sliding by the minute. Thanks for writing the real. And I’m glad Chunky is fast. It rocks to hear people comment on thngs like that.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Charity, Babe, you know where I’m at. Please keep talking mmmmkay…always here for you. Know that you’re a lot stronger than you think and feel. You really are. Look at all that you’ve been through and survived. You are worth it babe. Keep talking.

    [Reply]

  • All good here, because you went on a binge read of my blog the other night and wrote glorious things on each post.
    So you’re set until 2015!
    I do skim lists a lot, but not this one.
    I do really want to hear about the raging elephant/fire marshal story.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Tamara, Sweeeet…but I’m still hunting you down for the duration of the year.
    “For all of the days” as my kid says.
    Muwhahah.
    The fire marshal story is a good one. I must. go. write.

    [Reply]

  • This was an incredibly you post. It was like looking at the essence of you. Brilliant observations, sass and a lot of soul. I actually get the ironing the shirts thing. A lot of my behaviours are based on fear of people noticing the different, the “wrong” in me. I could really relate and I’m glad you’re doing this :-)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Katia, Oh my god you get it! I hate that part of me that hones in on details that may give my sanity away. So ridiculous but hard to crack.

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  • Your post totally made me smile today and I knw the snow has been quite ridiculous. Crazy and just so over it. Thank you for your awesome comment on my blog today, too and seriously happy that you found me through the TToT this weekend!! ☺️

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Janine Huldie, I’m so glad that I jumped on the wagon, I got to “meet” you. I checked the weather and we are supposed to get rain this week…WTF? Can’t win

    [Reply]

  • I love the Barenaked Ladies too! Thanks for sharing with us!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Michelle Liew, They’re awesome. Totally would make out with all of them. Don’t tell the husband

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  • Hey asshat – lists be GOOD. Anyway, THESE lists be good. There’s challenge in them – Ten is a LOT to manage when you feel low. And like I said to Jessica ^^^ up there ^^^ – your post here is really MUCH more pertinent to the hop than sharing the shiny-happy stuff, though that’s awesome too.

    This is a hop borne of slog and tears and heartbreak and desperation and trying SO HARD to find something to make today worthwhile, because if I can find TEN things or FIVE things or even ONE thing to be thankful for, perhaps it will be worth living until tomorrow.

    Nail. On. The. Head.

    And it’s fucking hard some weeks. A lot of weeks. But those weeks where it’s really tough to dig deep and SEEK those things, when they’re not coming naturally to mind, and NOT being clear, and are clouded by troubles and being lost in the darkness, that’s when this discipline becomes vital.

    Love you, and your list, and that you’re here, and you ‘get’ it so much more than you know <3

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Considerer, Preach it you assbucket. Just learned that one from Zoe.
    It’s exactly that. Finding something, anything that makes your struggle somewhat right. That you have something to fight for so you can get more of it.
    Love you too babe.

    [Reply]

    Considerer Reply:

    @Kimberly, WORD! ;)

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  • zoe

    I love the term asshat… I have a friend that states every noun can be made better with the prefix ass- assbasket, asshat, asscan, asscup, asscar,…. you get the idea… she may be right… I also love Bare Naked Ladies… I want a monkey! ( million dollar song)…. and yup some posts are boring… not this one… it was intriguing and fun… oooooh… asspost!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @zoe, Assbasket!!!! That is now added to my dictionary of things that are vulgar and hilarious all in one. I want a monkey too. But I heard that they fling popp and ain’t nobody got time for cleaning poop.

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  • Lizzi’s right, the TToT is so much more about the tough days than the easy ones. And it’s a great thing. It’s about wrestling the good into the sunlight when it’s really hard to see it.
    Salami and cheese? I LOVE that – one of my childhood (and now) favorite sandwiches. And anything vanilla would be lovely for me, thank you. Think I’ll have more French Vanilla coffee right now…
    And the Barenaked Ladies are awesome. Just their name makes me smile, never mind their music. :)

    Have a great week!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Lisa @ The Meaning of Me, Oh salami and cheese. I don’t know why we broke up in the first place but we had a fling and now I’m hooked on it again.
    The barenaked ladies always make me smile…and I’m going to smile when all these perverts find my blog via a naked boob search and find this :)

    [Reply]

  • jean

    love that White hot chocolate with a vanilla bean shot. !!!

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @jean, Right?!! I can never resist the urge to swing in and get one. Hell, I’ll even admit to using my debit card to pay for the $1 and change it costs me.

    [Reply]

  • “…Not boobie showing naked ladies.”

    what the hell! didn’t you get the TToT manuel? this is not only allowed, it is encouraged, there are some Y Chrome participants here, ya know?

    oh, yeah! Welcome to the TToT!

    I am not a natural gratitude lister, but Lizzi does have such an excellent bunch contributing and, ….and! they are very ah… tolerate when I find it necessary to write something off track.
    Your list this week is clearly the kind of list that makes this ‘hop as increasingly popular as it has been.

    (oh! don’t forget to ask Lizzi or Zoe or some of the others to explain ‘the Book of Secret Rules’!)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @clark, Damn it. I must have missed that care package in the mail when I signed up. You can’t blame me though…I live in Canada and our mail carriers still ride donkeys to deliver our mail.
    I can only imagine the creepers that will find my blog via search of barenaked ladies. Oh the disappointment!

    [Reply]

  • Welcome to the hop! Whether it’s a scrunchy-thankful day, or a deeper-thankful day, we’re glad to have you.

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Kristi, HAHA…oh scrunchy…the gift that keeps on giving. I’m glad that I hopped on the wagon :)

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  • Kim, I’ve told you before how much I’ve learned from reading your blog. Things I just didn’t understand but you have a way with words that make me understand – I may never fully get what it’s like because I’m not dealing with depression myself – but you made me a more understanding… I’d love to see Chunky play hockey – I love to watch a good game. We actually have a team here and they used to be pretty good! :)

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Susi, Oh Susi…thank you so much. I am so glad that despite how dark things may be when I write, that you continue to come here and support me. I appreciate it, and your friendship xo

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  • I love Barenaked Ladies too.
    I also love you. I am grateful for our friendship. I want you to know that someone in Malaysia is ALWAYS thinking of you!!! xoxo

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Alison, Come to Canada my sista. I’m grateful too xox

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  • I think those little things like hearing the birds in the morning are actually the big things at the end of the day…..but I also like your other things like watching your son play hockey and your relationship with your sister, very sweet. xo

    [Reply]

    Kimberly Reply:

    @Claudia Schmidt, It is amazing isn’t it? Those two, and every one I love have no idea how much they pull me through.

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  • “I’m so f*cking glad that the social worker is wearing a scrunchy because it’s not 1990 and it makes me laugh.”

    Haaaa. Reminds me of the scene from Sex & The City!

    What makes me smile?

    YOU))!!!!

    Your humor, wit, great writing, insight, & even your dark side!

    Xxxxx

    [Reply]

  • Counting blessings. Yes. Works for me.

    I have a girlfriend who is battling breast cancer {not the girlfriend who died in September. She’s still dead. Another girlfriend from the same circle.} Six out of eight of us, myself included, are battling major tragedies, ranging from life-threatening illness to substance abuse to divorce to child suicide. Said girlfriend gave us all a copy of 1000 Blessings {have you read it? by a Menonite woman and quite Biblical…maybe not your cup of tea but very powerful}, a gratitude journal, and a challenge to record three blessings every day with the goal of counting 1000 within a year. Challenge freaking accepted.

    For me? When I count the good stuff, I don’t have as much room for the $#!+ in my heart and mind. Let’s keep counting, Kimberly…no matter what.

    [Reply]

  • What, exactly, did you write about that gets you hits from the search for “road cone in ass”? Because that alone makes me very glad that you joined our TToT this week!

    I like salami. I like cheese. I don’t like them mixed together. Can we still be friends?

    [Reply]

  • This is a great list. I adore that boy of yours and it’s great you have your sister close. Ironically, I used to avoid these thankful lists at all costs because it inevitably left me looking at a blank page and feeling shittier than I did to begin with. Fortunately, my lists have started to grow, and for that itself I am thankful!

    [Reply]

  • This list made me laugh a bunch of times, not as boring as you think! Welcome, welcome. So happy to have you! We certainly do all have our demons, and I know exactly what you mean about focusing on one thing so people don’t see your flaws, I talk about this all the time. People with OCD, chronic cleaners a lot of things like that are really about something within that person, and if that ONE thing does make you feel better, that’s good, but if it consumes your life and doesn’t really make you feel better….not so good.
    I’m a little like you with the humor, laughing helps me immensely and it seems the darker my mood, the sillier my posts. Not always, but sometimes. I have a hard time writing about REAL life when I’m in a dark place.
    Love this list, happy to meet you, and I look forward to reading many more posts!

    [Reply]

  • Barenaked ladies are awesome. My kids know and love many of their kids’ songs.
    I’m sometimes embarrassed by how much I enjoy seeing one of my kids be the best at something. I hope it’s normal. Great photo of your little boy!
    I went to a Pink concert, too! She is one fantastic performer.
    I’m so glad you joined in with the TToT this week. I’ve been looking around, and I have enjoyed the way you write. You have a great sense of humor, even when talking about some not-funny things.

    [Reply]

  • You rock for taking your son’s mama elephant advocacy to the next level and yes, please DO write a post about how the fire marshall ended up being the one to call. Also, I’m glad that you are able to laugh at times (and you make me laugh too for which I am thankful) even if it’s about Oprah or your eyebrows. I should book a massage so that I’ll have a reason to shave my legs. So glad you joined Thankful this week, my fab friend. You’re the bombdiggity. Oh and to be clear. SOME lists are boring. This one is not. Because duh – hockey and Pink and vanilla bean and life. You.

    [Reply]

  • I love that you and your sister are close and living close again…I can only imagine what you two are like together. :D

    I bet your son is fun to watch playing hockey, too. That’s awesome!

    [Reply]

  • I love the description you had of trying to see the good things through the haze of depression. It’s so true-you have to start by grasping at the smallest thing that doesn’t suck. Once you get past the first one, it seems to get easier.
    Chuck Norris calendar? Are these beefcake shots or movie quotes? I’m dying to know.

    [Reply]

  • Yay! An Ontario blogger! Greetings from Ottawa. And I am amused it took Lizzi from the UK for me to find you. What a wonderful blog – I will spend some time surfing about.

    Love much of your list (and I love lists – but I’m Type A – I think I NEED lists). Tim Hortons, Barenaked Ladies, hockey – way to bring the Canadian content to the TTOT!

    And scrunchies – don’t have any of those around anymore (they don’t age well), but my 4-year-old has found any number of other 80s style relics in old boxes of mine: banana clips being my favourite it date…

    [Reply]

  • Sorry it took me a million years to come over here and comment on your TToT post! That’s so crazy about your laundry and ironing frenzy. I’ve never heard of anything like that. I love sun and I can only imagine the joy of watching your son play a sport. I will enjoy that too one day I think :)

    [Reply]

  • A motivating discussion is worth comment. There’s no doubt that that you should write more on this
    issue, it might not be a taboo matter but generally folks don’t speak about these subjects.
    To the next! Cheers!!

    [Reply]

  • I’m quite pleased with the information in this one. TY!

    [Reply]

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