It’s hard to find the good in life when you’re mind is succumbed to depression. It loves to showcase all the nitty gritty that you’re supposedly failing at; things that you’d never think twice about like not having enough energy to finish that last load of laundry.
There is nothing worse than measuring up your self worth to doing the laundry. Just before I was admitted to the psych ward in 2012, I was a laundry nut. I wanted to show my son’s teacher that I was perfect. He had started school that year and I didn’t want her to find out that I was “defective”. I ironed all the things he wore. I’d spend all night and most of my morning making sure that there were no wrinkles in his attire. I would watch him enter the school and could pinpoint imperfections in his shirt sleeves.
“They’re going to know I’m a horrible mom.”
Sounds completely irrational right? To me, at the time, it was truth.
Laundry ironed = good parenting.
I was entered into an outpatient program upon discharge. I hated it. Everything was redundant and I tried to weasel my way out of it by saying that I was a nurse and knew all of the crap already. They didn’t buy it, and I’m glad that they didn’t. I ended up learning so much about coping skills and how to prevent the downfall from becoming inescapable. Those little gems are kept in my bedside table and are referenced to when I’m sinking.
One of the sections in the book is a gratitude journal. Every morning we had to list things that we were thankful for. I’m embarrassed to say that my first entry was:
“I’m so f*cking glad that the social worker is wearing a scrunchy because it’s not 1990 and it makes me laugh.”
It was incredibly frustrating to not be able to think of something to be thankful for. I dreaded doing this and one day, I cracked. She heard my sniffles and addressed the entire room by saying, “It’s hard to find the sunshine in the storm. It’s ok. One day you will see it and it’ll slap you in the face.” (I wrote that down.)
I scratched at the surface of my day. Seemingly insignificant things like “I heard the birds in the morning and it made me think of summer. I like summer.” Then it got deeper and deeper. It’s so important when you’re struggling to find the good in all that you do/experience/feel.
So I decided to jump on the Ten Things Of Thankful because I need to focus on the good. Unless you catch me in the afternoon when my mood completely switches to feeling funny, then all of the things are awesome (Don’t ask. Just roll with it.)
1. Balls: Not of the male variety. I’m talking about being confident. I am proud of myself for advocating for child and parent safety at my son’s school. When my calls went unaddressed, I took it to the next level and called the fire marshal. Yes, I did. (I think I will write a separate post on that…on how us parents become raging elephants).
2. Sun: Two days of it. If it weren’t so cold out, I’d be outside rolling in the snow in my bikini. But then I’d have to shave my legs. Ain’t nobody got the stomach to see the sasquatch I’m growing. Kidding. I did shave my legs for the massage therapist. I’m sure that she appreciated my efforts at looking saucy.
3. Quick wit: If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you can tell by my writing how I’m feeling. I’ve been told that. When I’m in the dumper, I try to make my posts a wee less dark by peppering it with subtle jokes. I know that it’s hard for people to read about my depression and how god awful it is. For me, depression isn’t always 100% all day endless doom and gloom (Key words, for me. Everyone experiences depression in their own hellish ways.). I can laugh too, albeit it takes a lot more for me to do so. In an odd way, making fun of Oprah and the state of my eyebrows makes me feel better. And I hope that the ones stumbling to my blog via depression search can get a good chuckle even including the person who keeps coming to my blog by googling “road cone in ass”.
4. Tim Horton’s: White hot chocolate with a vanilla bean shot.
5. Watching my son play hockey: Words cannot describe how beautiful it is to watch him skate with such confidence…and how mother effing fast he is. He is the fastest skater on the team and I love hearing the parents whisper, “Look at how fast he is.”
6. Barenaked Ladies: Not boobie showing naked ladies. The band. Their music is so goofy but oh so lighthearted. By far, my favourite band ever.
7. Friends near and far that text me every day to make me smile.
8. My sister moved home. Gah, she is the most embarrassing person to take out in public and I love it. She lives without reserve and does what makes her happy. I am so glad that she’s back and that she was hired as an RN on the psych ward. Ironic. We joke that if I ever get admitted again (NEVER), I’d get dibs on the penthouse room.
9. Salami and cheese.
10. New Chuck Norris calendar
I’ll throw in a #11 and say that I’m thankful that you read this whole post or pretended that you did. Lists are sometimes boring. Don’t lie. We all think it. No? I’m an ass shat. Sorry.
So what is making you smile today?
What are you thankful for?
Ps. I am so behind in all things related to life, blogging being one of them. Know that I read every single one of your comments and I appreciate them so very much. I’ll get into the swing of things again. I miss reading your lovely blogs.