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Sometimes You Have To Play Jesus

Who eats a drawer full of socks?

I’ll tell you who….


Chunky uses Champ as art. "Momma, I used all of my heart stickers on Champ because I love him and he looks very really pretty."
Chunky uses Champ as art.
“Momma, I used all of my heart stickers on Champ because I love him and he looks very really pretty.”

That asshole.

Want to know who paid over two thousand dollars to have said socks removed from his intestines?


Those assholes.

Want to know whose college fund is now two thousand dollars short because it was his socks that the asshole ate?


That devious looking turd.

Actually, the two thousand dollars came from our kitchen floor fund which ironically is the same god damned linoleum floor that Champ ate.

The arrows indicate the area of flooring he ate. That is not even a quarter of the damage.
The arrows indicate the area of flooring he ate. That is not even a quarter of the damage.

It was still dark out when I went to go wake up Chunky for school. I made my way down the hall and tripped over Champ who laying outside of Chunky’s bedroom door.

“Asshole,” I muttered.

I flipped on the light and reached down to pat his head. He had been sick for a few days; throwing up socks. He looked listless and barely had enough strength to wag the tip of his tale.

“Suicide by sock? You do know that it’s 2014 and we feed you real food right?” He looked up at me with those weary eyes and I felt my heart sink.

We never thought that we would be “those” pet owners. You know, the ones who will donate their left nipple to save their four legged animal from walking the green mile. We’ve heard of people shelling out thousands for medical treatments such as chemo for cancer, anticonvulsants for seizures and oh my Dr. Freud, antidepressants.

“A bullet is much cheaper,” we’d joke.

We talked about what we would do in their situations and we always came down to the conclusion that we would not prolong their suffering (go ahead and dispute that) and today was more likely the day that we were going to have to play Jesus. champnchase

We got home from the vet’s and there was no dumb dog barreling through the kitchen to greet us. I was able to take my shoes off without having a tail punched in my face and a tongue slicking back my hair (1). There was no one to accompany me during lunch, sitting in perfect posture just waiting for that last piece of crust from a sandwich (2). There was no one curled up next to me, snoring as loud as your Dad, while I worked on the computer (3). There was no one barking when the mail carrier came or when that nasty cat that shits in my garden in order to protect us (4). There was no one to sneak onto the bed after Shawn leaves for work and plops his ass on my pillow so that I can wake up to his chocolate donut hole (5). There was no one there to tell me that he loves me no matter what (6).

Text message from Vet: Kimberly, we removed the socks from his intestine. He’s doing great (7).

Me: Are you just telling me that? (He wasn’t able to really visualize any foreign object since x-rays can’t pick up cloth. I told him that he better lie and tell me that he found something so that we can feel better about our decision.)

Vet: Yup. It was a sock with a skull and crossbones on it (Chunky’s sock that had been missing for weeks. WEEKS). We thought it was funny and ironic considering the situation.

Me: Well can you wash those puppies off so that I can frame them. Those socks cost us two thousand dollars (8).

Vet: ?

(He actually kept them for me.)

Yes, we paid for the asshole to live. Some people may disagree but pets do become a part of a family and you do what you have to do to keep them safe and well (9).

Champ is ten years old and despite that, he still has the gumption to run in the yard, swim in the lake, chase a 5 year old, and eat fucking socks just like a puppy (10). Only he’s slower and more stupid.

So here’s to you buddy old pal.



Word for the warning:

If this happens again, I’m going to release you into the middle of the highway and see how that pans out. 



Ten Things of Thankful
  1. No one will ever be that happy to see you and I’m thankful for that “welcome home”.
  2. I hate the last piece of crust so I’m thankful that he eats it and that it doesn’t go to waste. Kidding. I get a kick at how disciplined he is, just sitting there looking all cute and waiting patiently for a snack.
  3. That just makes me smile.
  4. I have a little issue with anxiety and sometimes paranoia. I’m thankful in knowing that he’d tear a piece out of someone if they even tried. And who would walk with Chunky into the dark basement?
  5. Despite all of the hair that sticks to the sheets and the “good morning” butt hole, I like him snuggling with me. (Ps. He doesn’t always stick his ass in my face).
  6. I had his balls cut out eons ago and he still loves me.
  7. Thankful that he lived.
  8. Thankful for finding the humor in awful situations.
  9. Chunky calls him brother. I still call him asshole.
  10. Thankful that he is still healthy.


  1. L.O.B.O. L.O.B.O.

    If there was ever a time when our little dog got sick… we gave him “Pepto-Bismal” the miracle drug.. Even eating the wrong thing… aka Socks! LMAO!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @L.O.B.O., I never even thought of that. Well the sock was lodged in pretty good. His intestines actually started to turn necrotic. That sock has been missing for WEEKS!

  2. I’d do it. If it were my dog, I would do it. Of course, I’d call her an asshole, too.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kristin Filut, Well that is middle name. He earned that one after he ate through our wall in the basement. Apparently we needed a new doorway to get to the laundry room. Sigh

  3. If one of my cats had a(very small) sock lodged in his intestine, I would dip into my kids’ college fund to get the damned thing out. I love those assholes as much as you love yours!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Shannon Drury, I know. I never thought that we would be those pet parents…but they’re like kids…dumb ones…

  4. Kim Kim

    $2000??? That is a lucky dog that you love him!!
    Glad he is health again!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kim, That was the floor fund…that he effing ate.

  5. I’ve done it all for dogs, and I would again.
    Namely, now. After 3.5 years with no dogs, my husband came home with a PUPPY this morning. Right? It was 9:00 am and I was putting on the TV just so I could watch TV with two sick kids in the house. And my husband waltzes in the front door..with a puppy!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Tamara, Oh I saw that!! Aaaahhhhh…so adorable but oh lord set aside money for when she gets dumber and eats all the things not food related 🙂
      I know that you’ll love her fur off xox

  6. So glad the little booger is ok.
    I was worried.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Leighann, I will sell him to you for 2 grand. I’ll even throw in Shawn in a speedo

  7. He is very cute. Despite the sock-eating assholery.
    Glad he’s ok!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Alison, Oh yes…his assholery is almost functioning at a normal level. He eyed up my pink slippers and I had to chase him…of course he’s slower so I was able to get it without him fighting back. Jerk.

  8. LOVE. I know, I really, really know. I tried to not let the vet surgerize the cat when they couldn’t see anything anyway… then I gave in. I’m on the 10 year payment plan.

    They are like our children. And our children are like our children who would die and hate us forever if we euthanized their brother.

    Ya did good mama.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @JenKehl, surgerize…hahah…yea Chase would have turned into a serial killer if we did. He actually asked if we killed him after school the day of surgery. A kid at school told him that his parents killed his dog. Sigh.
      Well we tried to wheel a deal since we have been seeing the vet for 10 years. They knocked off the tax which still put us well over 2 grand. Sad eh?

  9. He looks just like my in-laws Black Lab, who so would have done something like this. He has eaten through his fair share of socks and even buries them like treasure in their yard. So, I have no doubt this could have been him, too. Seriously glad he is Ok, but couldn’t help, but smile reading your tale as told by you and yes sadly relate a bit like I said.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Janine Huldie, He buries them??? OH man. I wish that he’d burry them instead of snacking on them. They’re so silly. Makes me wonder if they even have taste buds

  10. I’m fairly certain Champ’s younger sister (or at least, younger cousing) lives here with us. Her name is Chloe and she is an almost six year old choco lab and aside from the sock eating, you have described her to a tee. She is like our sixth child (is it six…or seven?…I lost count.) and even though she makes me mad enough to spit fire, she is the best dog that ever lived. Love this post! I totally get it!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sandy Ramsey, HAHA spit fire…you got that right! Know what is weird, a couple moved in next door in the summer. I was in the kitchen washing dishes when I saw Champ in their yard. I was crapping my pants wondering how he got over there and how was I going to get him out. So I flew outside and started yelling at him and the neighbor introduced herself and HER lab. It was her dog. They are identical. Same weird grey beard pattern and long back fur. We found out that she was the second batch of puppies of Champ’s parents. How weird eh?

  11. Hoo boy. Labs is dumb. Very cute and lovable, but very dumb. I would have done the same thing. Pets are family. What can you do? Give him a hug from me.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Deborah / Mom2Michael, They are so dumb. The vet said that he does at least 2 of these surgeries a month. Last month he had a lab eat a soother and another one who ate bath toys. When they looked at the xray, they saw a rubber lobster.

  12. Jean Jean

    Oh this is beautiful. I would do anything for any of our dogs we had. Just yesterday marked 9 months to the day that our beloved dog Ghalli died…we had to let him go, it was time.
    I have never cried in that way in my life. It was different from losing our son. Not comparable. My grief was loud and immediate. It was so hard. I am glad you did what you did. thanks. from all of us who are missing our left nipples and whose kids are flipping burgers instead of attending Ysle.
    I gave up drinking soda –diet coke–that day, and I have never had a soda since. I do not understand why I did that. I don’t understand so many things, but I understand that I am in complete tears once again right now.
    jean xox

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jean, Oh I am so sorry. This broke my heart. I can’t even imagine. I thought that we were going to have to do it. He was a gift to me when I injured my back and was pretty much lifeless. He has been through surgeries with me and oh. my. god. labor. So I’m returning the favour and with lots of treats once his belly heals.
      do you think that drinking the soda brings back the pain? I find certain things do that to me too. xoxo

  13. What is it with labs and their socks? Our local guide dog puppy group recently had one of the pups “career change” for sock eating!

    I haven’t had a dog eat flooring before, but I did have one remove wallpaper.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kristi, Oh he ate the floor. He must be lacking something in his diet…he also ate a hole through our plaster wall in the basement. Apparently we needed another door to get to the laundry room.

  14. Janet Janet

    Tell Chunky that Champ does look beautiful with all those stickers on him –

    I had a friend whose dog ate a rock once –

    One of the drawbacks of having a cat or dog is that you get so worried about them when they get sick. I’m glad Champ’s OK –


    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Janet, Oh he eats rocks too. Yup. Once he chewed through the plaster in the basement. Apparently we needed another door to get to the laundry room. Sigh…he’s eyeing up my slipper as I sit here. I swear that we feed him! xoxo

  15. Oh Kimberly, I’m so sorry Champ went through that. I know how frightening that had to be for all of you, including Champ himself. I’m so thrilled he’s ok and recovering now. Many high 5’s for being great doggie parents.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Mike, Sigh…I still hate him for doing that. Like what is wrong with the food and treats we give you? The hell. He’s probably the stupidest dog I know but we love him and of course we’d do anything for him. As payback, I’m eyeing up his heavy duty pain meds. I think I could sell them on a corner somewhere and recover our costs!

  16. This makes me all teary-eyed. I totally GET IT. Us dog people, we put up with the buttonholes on the pillows, the expensive trips to the ER, the begging, the poop-gathering (at least when people are looking. Kidding. I always pick up the poop), and so much more… because they are every bit a part of our family.

    I’m so glad to hear that Champ is recovering and I hope you frame that sock. He is so very grateful to you and he loves you so very much. I mean, just look at that last picture? *sigh*

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Charlotte, hahah buttonholes. Kind of a cute pet name for a chocolate donut hole 🙂
      The vet did keep the sock. He literally thought that I wanted to frame it. He’s indian and didn’t catch the sarcasm. LOL

  17. Also, I wrote buttholes. It was corrected. Butthole.

  18. The things we do for our four-legged friends – yup, they are like family! Glad he’s okay! xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Susi, Yup, he’s ok. He’s eyeing up my slippers as we speak xox

  19. zoe zoe

    oh what a lucky asshole and family! our fifteen year old aussie shephard died last year (on his own thank goodness ie no needle) and my current guy is 14 and on xanax for dementia and anxiety…but he is still a happy little pooper and until he’s not he stays… we payed to have a rock removed from out great dane’s gut…really? a rock? I can almost see a sock but a ROCK?! WHo eats those things?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @zoe, My. Dog. Eats. Rocks. Too! He also chewed a hole through our plaster wall because he thought that we could use another door. Sigh.
      I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your dog last year. That must’ve been incredibly hard. I can’t even imagine.

  20. Oh, the things we do for love…even doggy love :)! We actually have a pet emergency savings fund set aside for these scenerios…we’re the a**holes! And, I think it’s the same amount $2,000. Glad he’s on the road to recovery!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Phoebe Wulliman Graber, OMG that would have been such a smart thing to do! We spend a lot of money at his monthly exams and we set aside our tax returns for it. No one ever told us how expensive these four legged family members cost this much.

  21. Ahhhhhh you’re BACK and with such EPIC WIN (this time, and the dawg better be Ten-and-then-some Things Thankful that you’re nice and you like him).

    Love it 😀

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Considerer, Yea I like him. I may even love him…sometimes…kidding…maybe…

  22. Well, this is a great story. And now you know how far you’ll go.
    I do appreciate a woman who’s not afraid to show off her potty mouth. Good job!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Sarah, HAHAH! I have tried to tone down the potty mouth. But sometimes it is appropriate to pepper it in here and there 🙂

  23. Fucking asshole lovable crazy dog. Been there. Spent $750 two days after I brought him home to find out that Chief had girardia, and then, well, THOUSANDS….ugh. Lovable assholes. I’m so glad that yours is okay and I want to see a photo of Chunky’s skull socks mounted in the hallway of family fame, please. xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kristi Campbell, HAHA! Well the vet is indian and his English is broken so he missed the sarcasm. He did keep them for me.

  24. Thank goodness Champs ok…and I guess he won’t be eating socks anytime soon!

  25. Mike and Phoenix from “Past my curfew” sent me on over….
    and so glad I did!!
    Oh I am laughing at how he ate a sock, and how you want it framed…but gee what I could with that money!
    Dogs are part of the family, do you have Pet Insurance over there? In Australia we have “Pet Insurance” companies for pet owners {haven’t used it but would if we had a dog!!} 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Lisa, We do have insurance but we thought that we would never use it. Champ is really healthy despite the socks.
      The vet is indian and has broken English. So he totally missed my sarcasm and he actually kept the sock for me. He took it literally.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Amanda Jillian, No but his vet is Indian and his English is broken…so he took my sarcasm literally and put the socks in a ziplock!!

  26. We’ve made a few decisions to try to play Jesus by stepping in and taking an aging dog or cat to the vet… some outcomes were good, others not. I’m glad your pup is well. 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Nancy @ A Rural Journal, Yea I dread that day. I seriously thought it was going to be the day. He was super sick. And he’s 10.

  27. My Inner Chick My Inner Chick

    Believe me,

    Jesus isn’t ready for that asshole yet!!!!

    LOVE! Xxxxxx

  28. Obviously, I am WAY behind on reading. I’m SO glad he’s okay! And to make you feel better, we paid $2,000 to have one of our old dog’s leg removed after she was hit by a car and suffered nerve damage. And yes, my husband called her Tripod from that day forward. She adjusted well and did well and was as loving and as annoying as always. And I’d do it all over again.

  29. Jill Jill

    Since he’s a lab just a friendly word of advice, feed him 1/2 a banana a day. It’s some vitamin deficiency with labs that causes the eating and devouring everything in sight well past the puppy years and the banana replenishes it….. no freakin clue why it works but it does. volunteering with an animal rescue means I’ve got 5 assholes of my own and I’d give my left boob to keep them 🙂

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jill, A 1/2 banana a day? Who knew. Thank you so much!!! I never even thought that it would be related to something like that. I just thought that he was being a jerk. You’re awesome to volunteer for such a great cause. You must see some pretty awful things.

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