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2014 Canadian Weblog Awards nominee

The Grey Area

It isn’t always easy to drum up topic ideas and to materialize them into a compelling piece; one that reads like it was effortlessly put together rather than being forced like Nicole Kidman’s facial expressions.

(For the record, I find that she taints every  movie that she’s in.)

Forced posts lack a certain animation and to me, those posts are akin to reading the nutrition facts on the side of a cereal box. As a writer, I get it. I get the frustration when ideas are stuck somewhere between your mind and your fingers and you just wish that someone welding a sledgehammer would whack you on the back of your head to shake those words out.

bada

While I have written posts (sorry for the massive in yo face sponsored posts…but I love what it has bought for my kitchen), I have had to force myself to complete them. The ideas are there; beginning, middle, and end, but the enjoyment in tying it all together in the way I would like them to is just not there. For someone with a mental illness, there are red flags in which you know things are turning south. For me, one of them is being unable to feel the words I write.

I know that I’m being far too critical of myself and it’s not just in writing, but everything. That constant negative feedback keeps picking at me and my thoughts are now shifting in a direction that I don’t want them to go. They are settling in my head and making my body feel as though it is weighed heavily on the ground. It’s like gravity was all, “F*ck it. You’re now a cinderblock.”

I am no stranger to this dreaded expansive grey area; the bipolar state that is neither this nor that but is always just “this close”. It is a sketchy place full of self loathing and shamelessly eating 4 day old cake for breakfast that your five year old made at a friend’s birthday party.

Remember that song “Gotta shake, shake, shake my sillies out”? I’ve been trying that coping method for weeks. I haven’t been successful at it.

bada2

Truthfully, I am not moving through the day without effort and I know that if I don’t push myself, I might as well curl up into a corner with a tub of gummy bears and call it a few months. I am stuck. I have done all that I can do, reciting verbatim page 3 in the motivational manual called “You got this” and implementing it, at least I think so anyways. I am certain that drugs are going to have to take care of the rest.

There is no shame in that.

Unless you're in your thirties and you're more excited to be at a parade than your five year old.

Unless you’re in your thirties and you’re more excited to be at a parade than your five year old.

 

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54 comments to The Grey Area

  • Or eat two double chocolate cookies (which I know you wouldn’t do) before your morning slim fast.

    By admitting your struggles, you give me so much peace and knowledge–that I am not imagining the in-between, the grey, that pushes me to be two places at once.

    Sorry about the coming med change. But I hope so much that it will give you tons of hope! You deserve it lady.

    And, there is no shame in having more fun at the parade than your kid. I had way more fun last summer making elephant toothpaste than my kids did. That stuff is awesome and makes me giggle like crazy.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Charity, Dude it is birthday cake oreos all the way. It’s like PMS crack.
    No med changes. Nope. I wasn’t asking for a change but rather a dose change. You know you and when you’re about to dive. That’s how I feel and I want to prevent it. There is nothing wrong with that. I understand his viewpoint on side effects and yes, medication tinkering scares me beyond spiders but still…he suggested creatine…

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  • I rather like your sponsored posts. They’re still YOU. They’re still full of stories.
    I know all about getting/feeling stuck. May the med change be as smooth as can be.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Tamara, No med change. I was pretty upset about that. I hate HATE medications but I know me and I know when things are slipping. I just don’t want to slip and then go too far down. So when I ask for a change up(rather dose increase) shit is getting real. He told me to take creatine…the body building supplement…yup.

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  • You are the best sponsored-post writer because even those are authentic and funny and enjoyable to read.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @cyndy, :) I like to work it.

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  • Liv

    I am completely against shaming any woman – but what the heck is up with Kidman’s nose?? Last time I saw a movie at a movie theatre with her in it, I found the shape of it distracted me from the movie entirely (although probably not a bad thing). It wasn’t just huge on the big screen, it has a weird twist in it…

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Liv, RIGHT?! I don’t like her as an actress…just something about her that rubs me the wrong way…probably her nose.

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    Liv Reply:

    @Kimberly, ewwww…don’t let her rub you with your nose. That’s gross. ;)

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  • Med change coming? Best of luck! I hate med changes and the messiness that can come with them in the short term. But more often than not, the long term benefit makes it worth it.

    Don’t curl up in a corner, but treat yourself to that tub of gummy bears anyway.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Deborah / Mom2Michael, No med change. I was pretty upset about it. I hate med changes and they scare me to hell but I know myself and that this is not headed in a right direction. He suggested creatine instead…yup the body building supplement. Don’t ask.

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  • I know summers are hard on you, sweetie. Keep on keeping on – I know you can do it.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Nicole, Thanks babe. Hey, I know that you’re into body love…do you know much about creatine? My doctor suggested it to help boost my mood. Weird?

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  • Thanks for saying that you are having a hard time writing on your blog lately. Your words and courage gave me the push I needed to write about my hard time writing.

    (did I write ‘writing’ too many times?)
    writing.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Lyla Jackson, WRight? I mean write? No right? What?
    Keep writing. I know that you were outed but your words are too powerful to be silenced my dear. xo

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  • The stuckness? Ride it out. Hug it out. Eat it out. Love you.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Alison, I vote eat. I’ll send you pictures of me shamelessly plowing through cupcakes. xoxo

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  • Stay strong girl; we’re rooting for you! Hope the meds do their job. Hugs.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Eva Gallant, Thank you so much Eva xoxo
    PS did I ever tell you that I’m glad you’re back…because I am

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  • There is NO shame in that.

    You really do have this – even on the days when you don’t feel it. And your words are far more put together and flowy than you think.

    I’m happy to share my tub of gummy bears with you anytime.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Tracie, Come on over with them gummy bears!!
    Well, I asked for it and was met with a “have you tried creatine?” Yup. He wants me to try that instead of meds. Thing is, I don’t walk in EVER asking for a change up and if I do, it is serious. We all know how horrifying it is to start playing with drugs. ANyways, I’m going to give it a go. It can’t hurt but waiting can…sigh…

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  • —–Kimberly,

    you know what?

    I don’t think the ANY of us “have it all together.”
    Most of us are effed up in one way or another.

    I says to my mommy the other day, “you know what, mommy?”

    She says, “what?”

    I says, “the older I get, the more I realize we are all fucked up.”

    SHE pauses. Then we laugh hysterically.

    The good news is: God, Family, & Friends “hold us up, love us, accept us, save us.”

    You. Are. NEVER. Alone.

    Love U from MN. xx

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @My Inner Chick, Yes. Yes. Yes! We all are. I notice that more and more as I allow “real” people in and let “fake” ones out. And you have to make fun of it. Really.
    Thank you for making me feel all fuzzy and loved.
    xoxoo

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  • you do “got this”
    Grab a guitar, or just play the air guitar, and rock on.
    You can do this.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Leighann, Air guitar. Definitely air guitar in my underwear.

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  • You could even write about gummies – there is a certain satisfaction to simply ripping off a head with your teeth depending on the day.
    Keep writing, catharsism comes from many places … and the sillies are not always so silly, you just may want to slap them once or twice.
    Well, now this seems a rather aggressive comment ;)

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Thesistershood, That and the legs. Weird eh?
    You’re right it sure can come from many places. And you see, your silly just made me silly laugh whilst my husband throws drugs at me…

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  • There’s something about the way you write which makes me feel like I’m right there with you, taking on some of your experiences. The inability to emotionally connect with the words you’re putting out there, is something SO relatable to me and makes me feel like I get parts of what you’re going through. I have no advice on how t ride this out, but I hope that you might find comfort in knowing that you’re doing so great on putting bipolar out there and making it more approachable and understandable. I heart you.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Katia, See, I am so glad that you get that. Well I’m not but…You can tell when your voice isn’t present and it is almost robotic. Writing is what helps me through such hard times but when I don’t want to, then what do I have? Such a sucky place to be in. xoxo

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  • Inspiration will strike when you least expect it, Kim. I would join you in the tub with the gummies…hope that doesn’t sound lesbian-ish. Some days are just the ones where we ask “why”, “what for”, “why bother?”. Hate those days. Love the pictures you’ve shared here!

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @lisa thomson-The Great Escape…, HAHA…oh your comment was the one I needed right now. Gummies. It’s a party in a tub.

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  • I’m not going to give you a bunch of platitudes. It sucks and we know it. Hold on tight. I hope you beat it.

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    Kimberly Reply:

    @Deb @ Urban Moo Cow, I’m hoping too. Don’t laugh but I had to look up platitudes…doh

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  • Keep your chin up, your a very good blogger/writer.

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  • ahhhh the inevitable blogger fog. It can be such a struggle at times. DO NOT get down on yourself about it. We all get it. <3333

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  • Nothing wrong being with in your thirties and getting more excited than the kids. Suddenly when you’re a grown up, you tend to like the kiddie stuff more. My friends and I are always look forward to that moment when the mascots go out during children’s parties. We even come up with strategies on how to get extra nice photos with the mascots :)

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  • I hate writer’s block with such a passion. Nothing is worse when you’re hit with it and you have a deadline to meet!

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  • I think we all get into that place of being stuck. I know I do on the weekends when I write my blog posts. I just walk around and do something else and then it finally comes to me.

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  • Struggles are normal, I’m glad that you’re able to admit them also that’s a step in the right direction.

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  • I know what you mean. I understand how you feel about feeling forced to write. I know the bloggers blank too we all feel it sometimes:) I also know I LOVE that black and white picture with the guitar!

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  • I get the same way and this current blog is still pretty new. I often have great ideas (at least I think so) and I write them down but then don’t know how to put them together. I hope you work through your block/struggle. I’m sure will you :) Best wishes your way.

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  • Maria Oller

    I feel lately all my posts seems a bit to forced it might be because after I hit the 30 week line my brain is mushy and I cannot put 2 words together without feeling I just run 30 miles, yet I feel even worst if I don’t have my reviews post on time.

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  • Review & Giveaway Post pay the bills… These kinds of post warms the heart, Thank You

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  • I feel you most of my blogs are updated but my personal blog is lagging..I am unable to update it..

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  • That looks less like a parade and more like an endless fountain of slushies and candy, aka, the dream location.

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  • Looks like he enjoys himself! What a nice post, I can relate.

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  • I think I have eaten a 4 days old cupcake made by my sweet son too. There were times I forced myself to write and end up writing for hours and hours because I don’t know what to write next. I feel you.

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  • I struggle to commit my inner most feelings to writing. I can think of blog posts all day long…when I’m away from my laptop. The minute I sit down everything shuts down and I can’t type a thing. I commend you for being able share and I’m inspired by you that one day I will be capable of doing the same.

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  • Everything good and beautiful to you! Writing and creating is hard when everything isn’t in its place in the life. It’s good that you know yourself and can place those warning signs. It’s one step ahead. God bless you and keep you!

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  • Thanks for being so open and honest! I hope your sillies get shaken out soon!

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  • I agree! Don’t curl up in a corner. You are doing great because you can express yourself in writing so well. Keep doing that through all your changes. Thanks for being so open and sharing.

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  • Struggles is normal to all of us. I love how honest you are dear!!

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  • Awww, I feel as I have watched him grow online. Take care of you mama, always, there is never shame in that! :)

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  • There is absolutely NO shame in that whatsoever.

    For the record, I always love to read your words and I understand that feeling of not being able to string the words together and just writing things to get them down… but I’ve never felt that HERE. I always feel your authenticity.

    Also love your exuberance in that parade photo. Gosh, you guys are a cute family :)

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