A day’s worth of rotating patients had carried in the humidity that clung to their clothes. It made my skin feel sticky and the waiting room oddly smelled like my grandma’s musty basement in the summer. The patients were all uncomfortably packed in there like fidgety sardines and there was only one chair available. Thankfully, it was separated from another patient by a leaning black shelf with old magazines haphazardly piled on top.
I often wonder if patients with OCD sweat by just looking at it.
A woman with a solemn gaze sat in a wheelchair that was parked in the middle of the horse shoe chair arrangement. A proud smiling man decked in a crisp white baseball uniform talked about a fishing derby to anyone who’d listen while two other women chatted about the weather. Soon the room joined in but I kept to myself, nervously picking at what was left of the clear coat on my nails. It was so crowded in there but much like the last couple of weeks, I felt alone.
I was called in and flopped on the couch. I was ready to surrender and admit that I needed more than what I could give to myself.
If someone were to tell me that licking a car battery while stabbing the bottoms of my feet with a Lego would make my depression lift, I would try it before ever contemplating a medication change. Tinkering with chemicals can only go three ways; it works, it doesn’t work, or it gets worse. I always fear the worse which is why I choose complementary medicine such as electroacupuncture and deep tissue massage to augment the effectiveness of my medications for chronic pain. Sometimes those modalities alone are more than enough.
As for bipolar disorder, medications can only do so much and I am responsible for the rest; self-care (adequate sleep, routines, mindfulness, etc.) and complementary medicine using vitamins. However, there is only so much that I can do when the medications aren’t working hard enough.
After five years of this unrelenting dance, I know me more than anyone else.
I know when to give in and to ask for help.
“I hurt,” I told him.
When it was suggested that I take creatine to boost my mood I felt that my feelings were not validated just like everyone else who is trying to smooth the hurt over like icing covering a cake that was torn to shreds as it was dug out of the pan it was baked in.
Regardless of what stressful life event may have triggered this, I hurt every day.
I was reminded of a line in the movie It’s Kind Of a Funny Story, “Life can’t be cured, but it can be managed,” and I can’t manage life when my coping mechanisms are not functioning properly.
I truly appreciate the suggestion of complementary medicine as it does not come with the harsh side effects of drugs but I know that I need more. I’m going to try the creatine though with an open mind and with the hope that it could be exactly what I need to help augment the effectiveness of my antidepressants.
If not, I will at least have some serious pipes and for once, I will be able to open the pickle jar all by myself.
*Don’t take any over the counter vitamins without consulting your doctor first.
Have you ever tried creatine for depression?
Have you used any complimentary medicine to help treat any ailments?