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How Many Of Us Does It Take To Kill A Spider?

 

Just like any little kid, I revered my dad as a super hero – the human shield against all things dangerous.

The monster in the closet:

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The murderer in the tree:

 

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Penicillin:

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And then there were spiders.

Our house backed onto acres of land, a breeding ground for wildlife and those nasty bastards and their eight legs of evil. They hid in the basement where our toy room was and they probably crawled all over my doll’s face and got caught in My Little Pony’s hair egha-blah-bloo-pfff.  

I was terrified of them.

Once they were spotted, my Super Hero dad would storm the room. He always meant business because he knew that I wouldn’t rest until he had killed them dead and I needed proof – smashed in tissues or their ugly guts stuck on the bottoms of my sister’s rubber soles.

I didn’t want that bad juju on my shoes.

One day the spider that he “killed” pulled a resurrecting Jesus stunt and jumped out of the tissue at me. From that point on, I no longer required proof of the carnage.  My dad thought that it was hilarious  so he chased me with dead spiders in tissues.

All. The. Time.

My fear of spiders is so bad that I cannot even look at pictures of spiders and I cannot even touch toys that are spiders. I have even trained my dog to kill spiders that crawl on the ground. I’m not even lying.

I. Hate. Them.

A couple of weeks ago, I spotted strands of spider webs hanging in our house. I had to cautiously enter rooms by throwing my kid in first. Then one morning as I was making breakfast, I saw something floating by my side…
Me: Ahhhhh!

Chunky: What mom?

Me: Ahhhhh! *points at the dangling beast from the ceiling*

Champ: Woof!

Chunky: It’s a spider! I’ll kill it!

Champ: Woof!

*Chunky throws Shawn’s shoe in the opposite direction of the spider*

Spider: You mother f**kers! *it falls and charges at us*

Me, Chunky, Champ: Ahhhh…woof!

Chunky: Here’s a cup mom!

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How many of us does it take to kill a spider?

None.

We had to wait until Shawn got home from lunch…

 

What are you afraid of?

28 Comments

  1. Your dad thought it was funny to chase you with dead spiders because you were terrified of them? No offense, but that isn’t what a superhero dad does- it’s what a mean dad does.
    I’m realizing that people who said they loved me and then did things like that to me were very mean, not funny like they said they were. And also, people who say that you’re too sensitive are saying it because they don’t want to be held responsible for your reaction when they mistreat you.
    Sounds like the men in your life now have your back.

  2. Kim Kim

    Rats – I think they are the most disgusting creature ever. I will kill spiders and snakes don’t bother me but keep those nasty rats away from me!!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Kim, And you kill snakes? Well Shawn would love you then. He’s afraid of snakes!

  3. I’m the spider killer in our house!
    Like a muther effin’ ninja!

  4. What Lyla said.

    I have a pet tarantula. So does Husby. Mine got out (cos Husby) and went for a little march through the living room. Once I got over the freak-out that he was such an idiot to let her out, I popped her back in her cage and she was fine.

    I’m afraid of…

    *scratches head*

    ….

    er

    I do HORRIBLY with rejection. HORRIBLY.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Considerer, I know you have a pet….pet…ack…furryeeeeeeee eyes legs bleeeeaaahhhhhh

  5. Omg. This was hilarious. And dead on.
    I’m not afraid of spiders, but I swear if you put a picture of a snake in front of me, I might just hurt you. Even just thinking about it puts chills up my spine.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Jessica, HAHA!! You’re just like my husband!! He can’t stand them either.

  6. LMFAO this post cracked me up.

    But I have seen the likes of you actually. Men, in particular are fun to watch when they are the ons afraid of spiders.

    I am exclusively disgusted by roaches. I can’t stand seeing them or knowing they exist. The same with rats. Here in New York we deal with about 8 of them per human being.

    As for being afraid of something, uhm… I’m afraid of heights, even though I was a pilot and I live on a 7th floor.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @PorkStar, You were a pilot? That’s awesome. I had no idea.
      I worked in an ER in a busy downtown area and this mom plopped her bag down on a stretcher – a family of roaches crawled out. They made themselves at home. I backed out of the room and shut the door. There was no way in hell I was working in there.

  7. Loved this! So spot on!

    My father thought he would “cure” me of my spider fear by making me step on one. I was wearing sandals with no socks and I swear, that spider was bigger than my 5-year-old foot was! I flat out refused, and my father had to physically lift my foot to step on the spider!

    God bless the traumatizing fathers of the 80’s…

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @The lovely one, NOOOOOO…oh you must’ve felt the crunch….blahhhhh…..I can’t even step on them. Like I can’t even look at pictures of them without getting creeped out by them. Once I had to pull in to a gas station and have the gas attendant kill a spider in my car.

  8. I’m afraid of clowns and dolls. I blame it on Poltergeist and It – two movies I should have never seen.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Dana, Oooo porcelain dolls…my mom bought me a porcelain clown doll for Christmas one year. Creepy as ever.

  9. This made me giggle. Spiders terrify me and no one in the house likes them either. So we’re all just running around screaming.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Amber, Oh. No. I can only imagine the dents in your walls from throwing objects at it to kill the spider.
      I think you need to invest in a droid…specifically a spider killing droid.

  10. I was always afraid of spiders. My entire adult life. Then I moved to FL. That’s when I realized what it meant to “be afraid of spiders”. Holy shit damn! Besides being everywhere (our lawn was really a carpet of spiders) they’re HUGE. They hop, run REAL fast AND! they live f’ing underground! Not a fan of spiders.

    “One day the spider that he “killed” pulled a resurrecting Jesus stunt”. This made me laugh and made my skin crawl at the same time. lol

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @GirlieOnTheEdge, They hop and run – are they kangaroo spiders? Some kind of new breed of arachnoid that I don’t know about? Do you have to kill them with a machine gun? You should buy a machine gun. They sound dangerous. It’s for your protection.

  11. My husband grew up in Australia and he hates spiders with a passion. He says he checks the toilet before he uses it in case the creepy crawlies are lying in wait, haha!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Alison, ZOMG…have you seen the video (my funny pants brother posted it on my facebook wall) of the person who flushed the toilet and a huge spider fell out? BLAHHHHHH.
      I had no idea that he grew up in Australia. They have some wicked huge ones (that’s what she said…hee hee).

  12. Spiders. Or any other living creature with more legs than a dog.
    Once, I unloaded almost an entire can of hairspray on a spider in an effort to kill it. Know what happened? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and now I had a potentially radioactive spider on my hands.
    And that doesn’t even come close to the story about the assassin bug I found hiding in my beet greens from the CSA box.
    I feel your pain. I do. Makes for good storytelling, though, doesn’t it?

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Lisa @ The Meaning of Me, But I bet his hair looked FABULOUS!!! I actually did that once and he stuck to the wall….and I had to wait for someone to come and pry him off. I can’t even get close enough to actually smoosh them. ACK!
      Speaking of finding them in the beet greens box (worst nightmare!!!), a friend of ours bought grapes and guess what was in the package? A black widow. Her entire house had to be fumigated.

      • @Kimberly, That is awful! I worked in the produce department of a supermarket when I was in high school and I learned about the evil that is banana spiders. I ALWAYS check between the bananas before bringing those home. And from now on, I will also be inspecting my grapes. Thanks for that little tip!

  13. Liv Liv

    Yes. We had a giant spider in a tree outside the living room window. I took a picture of it and watched it all afternoon until hubs could come home and kill it. Outside. With the windows closed. Just in case.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      @Liv, HAHAH!!!! Isn’t that the worst when you spot one and then you can’t find it when you get your spider killer?

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