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Sugar Wasted

After eating my weight in cupcakes, I don’t know how I can possibly fit anything else into my stomach but it feels as though I’ve suddenly swallowed an entire net of butterflies. It’s not uncommon this fluttery, swirly, churning almost-throw-up feeling, one of many symptoms of my anxiety.

I get it when I’m meeting new people, when I’m running late to an appointment, making phone calls, folding towels, walking into the pharmacy, during my son’s bedtime routine, recalling a text I had with a friend “She hasn’t texted me back. I think she hates me.”,  and the list of triggers goes on and on.

In this moment, there is nothing menacing about cozying up to my son and inhaling the sweet scent of the honeydew melon shampoo in his damp hair yet I feel sick and crawly and uncomfortable and I need to move. I know that I’m not in immediate danger, unless there is such a thing as gun toting lice and he acquired it from one of his dirty friends at school, so there is no bloody reason for this inner dribble of unease.

That is why anxiety is so incredibly frustrating – you can have it simply just because.

I take 30 belly breaths, no more and no less to calm the butterflies when I hear giggling. The touch of his sticky fingers startles me.

“It’s ok Momma, just keep your breathing. I’ll do it too, ” he says as he dramatically inhales, expanding his belly and then sprays saliva through his pursed lips on exhalation. “My tummy hurts too. I think we ate too many cupcakes today.”

It pains me that he sees this side of me – that I wasn’t more careful at hiding it from him –  but I’m thankful that he thinks it’s nothing more than a case of being sugar wasted.

He laughs, reaches over and puts my head on his shoulder. I watch as he goes back to rhythmically tapping on the iPad and I focus in on his stubby toes curling with each anticipated move of the character in the game.

Even though anxiety is yelling at me to to do something – anything because I’m in some sort of danger, I know it’s mistaken.

It’s mistaken because I’m all right right now with him.

menchase

 

 

PS….I’m in this book. The Bloggess read it!

bloggessSMITH

If you want to learn more about the book, it’s authors, and read some more raving reviews, click the above image. Part of our proceeds go towards local charities!

 

11 Comments

  1. I love this. It is perfect. It describes anxiety and the struggle so damn well. I want to be free of it. I want us to be free of it.I want our beautiful children to be free of it.

  2. This is exacltly anxiety.
    It’s a bitch and I hate it.

  3. ***the sweet scent of the honeydew melon shampoo in his damp hair yet I feel sick and crawly and uncomfortable and I need to move***

    Have I told you lately that you are one of my fave. writers of all time?

    xxxx KISS from MN.

  4. Kim Kim

    Oh, your son is so sweet!!! I hope he is always willing to tell you it’s all right!!!

  5. I wish I could hide more from my kids too. They know too much!

  6. You portrayed your feelings so well. Love it! And, your son is uber cute!!

  7. Last night my oldest son said, “Oh it’s so nice! Our table is finally clean!” I felt a little bad about that. And then this morning my youngest son said, “Do you think you can finally get enough rest? Because you’re always tired and then we don’t do anything fun.” And I felt a little bad about that too. I wish I could hide it from them. I know what you mean.

    But at least – at LEAST – you can still eat cupcakes and look like you do. 😉 Which is fabulous dahling.

  8. I’ll check out the book, kim! That’s awesome that you’re in there. I love that pic of you and your son. Oh, how they want to take care of us. It’s the sweetest. Hang in there…keep deep breathing (I love that).

  9. I will buy that book!
    I remember taking a birth class with Cassidy and learning to breathe together. During the worst of my labor with Scarlet, I let him into my pain and we breathed together. I don’t know why, somewhere along the way, we lost that ability in our marriage.
    Of course it’s retrievable and we’re getting there.
    The thought of letting Scarlet into it appeals to me. She knows nothing about it. She just probably thinks I get cranky sometimes or I need to be alone.
    One day she’ll know more and I can’t see it as a bad thing.

  10. You are all right now with him. I hope that is enough, for now.

  11. Liv Liv

    Yes…the meltdown when they don’t have a clue what is going on…thank goodness for that.

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