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Shawn Has One Job

Since I was in and out of the doctors offices and the ER all last week and the fact that I can’t pull up my own panties, our home has gone to hell. We have dog hair tumbleweeds lining our hallways and by the looks of our desecrated thunder bucket in the bathroom, I am beginning to wonder if both my kid and husband needs glasses to perfect their peeing aim.

There is hockey and baseball equipment scattered all over and every time I open my fridge I’m punched with an ungodly smell. I almost picture myself as Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbuster’s and I fear that one time I’ll open it and the ghoul Zule will pop out.

ghostbusters-zule-in-fridge-o
Source

I couldn’t take it anymore.

So I decided to start where I left off.

The laundry  – the very thing that almost killed me.

I sorted them and all I needed was some muscle power to pick up the clothes and move them. Chunky put the first load in the washer for me and then I asked Shawn to move the wet clothes into the dryer. That’s all I wanted Shawn to do. His only job. Take the wet clothes from the washer and put them in the dryer.

Take the wet clothes and put them in the dryer Shawn.

The wet clothes go in the dryer.

Open the lid of the washing machine and take the wet clothes out and then put them in the dryer.

Washer to dryer.

What the f*ck happened Shawn?

washer
Go home dryer. You’re drunk.

I love how he just stuffed the screwdrivers in there.

Like here, fix yourself dryer.

When he asked me where we kept the superglue, I could almost smell the bad idea and bad ideas smell a lot like burning superglue in a dryer.

He’s a man who sees something broken and needs to fix it. He will try to MacGyver just about anything back to life. You should see our lawn mower that’s held together by duct tape, my son’s mini-hockey sticks that have snapped in 7 different places, and I don’t even want to know how he got my car to stop leaking but he’s always successful at fixing things.

And then there is me – seemingly fractured physically, mentally, and emotionally.

He knows that what causes me to stand in front of my kitchen cupboard panicking for over 3o minutes as I pull the contents out and rearrange them over and over because my antipsychotic pill boxes (ironically) won’t stack up neatly isn’t because of me – it’s because of an invisible illness.

He knows that what causes me to retreat to bed early to lay on an ice pack and what causes me to cry because he has to put on my underwear isn’t because of me – it’s because of an invisible illness.

Just like the flu, he can’t fix bipolar disorder and he can’t fix chronic pain but he tries so incredibly hard to do what he can.

It’s wearing him out and I can tell.

I can see it in his eyes, the way he carries his shoulders, how his feet hit the floor.

I can feel it in hurried kisses and embraces that once confidently answered my question “Is everything going to be ok?” They almost feel like they’re unsure now.

I can hear it during those sleepless nights – his light breath, wrestling with the pillows, peeking at the clock.

He feels helpless and frustrated and stressed. I know he does.

I just wished that he knew that he really only has one job and he’s doing it right.

Loving me unconditionally.

loveisbarf

I hate what my illnesses are doing to him.

To all of us.

9 Comments

  1. I can hear the pain in your voice. I also know this feeling. Sometimes I cry because I took this awesome, confident man and broke him down piece by piece and feel like I ruined his life.

    Then he tells me that he doesn’t know if I’ll ever be okay and I tell him confidently that I will. (even if I may be lying- he is very receptive to the idea of hope).

    But, remember the part in ghost busters where she turns on the tub tap and pink goo comes out? I was scared of that for 15 years. And now I’m not at all scared of it. Mostly because I forgot about it. But now I remember so I might be scared tonight. Just saying. xoxo

  2. Hugs to your family! May you all find the strength to survive.

  3. Kim Kim

    OH, I know without a doubt that Shawn loves you unconditionally and will continue to do so. Your illness is no different than someone with cancer and their spouse steps in and carries a bigger loud.
    You have a great guy. I think it is part of all males to want to “fix” everything and I’m sure that Shawn feels stress since he can’t control the situation.
    Hugs to you!!! You are surrounded by people who care about you!!!

  4. When you mentioned about the peeing and the dryer with the tools in there, I was sure you were talking about your kid. I guess small kid, big kid, no difference. It was same with my ex wife but on top of that, I had to pick up after her.
    Oh btw, she didn’t pee out of the target, that’s the difference in the story.

    I think she didn’t…… now that i think about it… hmmm

  5. This is so very heartbreaking. Oh, how I hope he can see he is doing his job and find some peace. And that you someone will come clean your house! I would, but you know…Canada.

  6. Shitting hell Kim, right in the Feels *sigh* I thought this was gonna be a sweet, funny, light post, but no – sucker punched right at the end.

    Tell him.

    Get a cleaner to come help you (or a friend to come clean for you). Send Shawn and Chunky out for ice-cream to all share together. And tell him what a damn good job he’s doing. Tell him from all of us who adore you and want you to be better, and who know that words can’t fix your dryer or get Chunky to and from hockey, or clean your bathroom, or put your underwear on when you’re sad.

  7. Jennifer Jennifer

    I am to my partner what your Shawn is to you. Please, tell him how much you value his love. He probably really needs to hear it. For me, that little affirmation makes all of the struggle seem much less challenging.

  8. Like Lizzi – I thought it would be about a broken dryer! So now I have to come back from a major case of wanting to sob into Des’ Superman shirt.
    Do you have Merry Maids up there? We have Merry Maids. They come and clean the house. It’s like magic (and $100)

  9. Liv Liv

    I’m with Lizzi and Tamara. Tell him. And get some help. If I was closer I’d come do it. And I hate laundry.

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