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Sometimes The People You Love Don’t Understand

I am afraid of the monster whose shadow twists and bends across the walls in my mind and has settled too comfortably into my bones.

I wonder if anyone knows that it’s killing me.

I hear them sigh when I panic over silly things and

I see the downturn in their facial expressions – their disappointment when I constantly mess things up.

I want them to understand that I am trying so bloody hard to survive each moment through the blackness, the hopelessness, and the suffocating despair.

I am doing as good as I can but,

I pretend that I’m doing much better.

new do

I feel too much and it cuts into me deeply as if the world around me is layered with shards of glass.

I touch its rough edges and watch myself bleed; staining the floors crimson red. Every day I lose more and more of myself.

I worry that one day there will be nothing left of me and

I cry because I used to be somebody.

I am KIMBERLY! Now I don’t know who that is.

I understand that this will pass. It always passes they say and

I say f*ck that because bipolar disorder never just passes. It is a ride that you can never get off of. Over and over and over. I continue to ride this hell.

I dream of cars driving into walls, into intersections, off of bridges, into the backs of my legs, but then

I try to stop. I try to breathe and then I try to find the bits and pieces that will keep me going just a little bit longer. I hold on to them. My anchors. My loves.

breathe

Even though they don’t get why I freak out over making a choice between two cereal boxes or why I get quiet or why I don’t want to be around big crowds or why I am forgetful or why or why or why,

I hope that they know that when

I am not ok that they are all that I have to help me survive this.  

 

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14 Comments

  1. Thank you for your openness and raw honesty. I admire the strength and courage you have to share these insights, these beautiful, powerful, words that need to be read by many.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. Line after line has me screaming AMEN.
    I came out of my last depression on the 14th. There are signs of it coming again. There is so much pressing at my mind that I don’t know how to stay out of the darkness. Everything my mind reaches for shakes and shivers. I want to run.

  3. YOU ARE Kimberly.
    YOU ARE loved. More than you can possibly imagine right now.
    YOU ARE never so lost that you cannot be found.
    YOU ARE a warrior queen. Exhausted from battle, but still fighting. And you will win.
    YOU ARE a beacon of hope and inspiration to thousands of women around the world, all fighting their own battles.
    YOU ARE stronger than you think you are.
    YOU CAN do this. Again. And again. And again. As often as it takes.
    YOU ARE never, ever, alone.

  4. Kir Kir

    There is no one in the blogging world stronger or braver than you.
    I can’t tell you how much I respect, admire and love you because numbers don’t go that high, the ocean isn’t deep enough, the glitter isn’t sticky enough to last that long.

    But you are not alone, you are loved beyond measure, you are my friend, my sunshine, my hero in so many ways.

    Keep trying, keep reaching out, keep living.

    Love you with all my heart.
    xo

  5. Oh, Kimberly. This line made me hurt so much for you: “I cry because I used to be somebody.”

    You are SUCH a big somebody to me. And I know that sometimes that doesn’t mean anything and that there is nowhere out when you are in that void of hopelessness but good god you are so loved and I am sending all my love and hugs and sunshine because you are my friend and though we’ve never met I feel an overwhelming amount of love for you.

    XOXO

  6. Janet Janet

    “I feel too much and it cuts into me deeply as if the world around me is layered with shards of glass”. This is my experience also –

  7. Man. I am so sorry for the struggles. I hope you know we are here too.

    XOXO

  8. I always think of you in those good ice cream thoughts – sent your way through a New England breeze. (and past some moose)
    I like to believe good thoughts are received, like mail.
    Your take on Old School Blogging astonishes.

  9. The pain is felt deeply in your words, Kim. What you struggle with is beyond understanding, even for those closest to you,I’m sure. Unless one is suffering the same condition, we can’t know your pain. Sending hugs out to you. You’re so brave to share you inner soul with us.

  10. I second Kir, couldn’t say it better myself. Don’t ever give up Kimberly. You are so brave and I know, I’m a better more understanding person because of you. Sending hugs!!! xoxo

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