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Stop Telling Me I’m Negative

Having a mental illness and chronic pain to boot sometimes makes it a struggle for me to see the positive side in anything. The best way to describe what it’s like during a bad patch is this:

I’m a prisoner of my mind

You can’t escape your thoughts that pop in and out during your day. They just happen and pass. My inner dialogue however, tends to be more negative than not and so very hard to ignore. They’re loud and and plenty and fast and anxious and intrusive and they tell me I’m not good enough for air and they come when I’m shaving my legs or sitting in public:

My husband will understand this

My brain is an exhausting place some days.

I joke with my husband and tell him that I am my own full time job. I have to work at weeding through negative thoughts by replacing them with positive ones or “truer ones” and in the process I actually have to live outside of my brain. You know, be a functioning adult. And let me tell you, life happens both wickedly fast yet painfully slow when you’ve worn yourself down to the bones.

None of it feels like it’s in your control.

Things I do to help me try to be positive  – writing things I’m thankful for, things I have  accomplished, and things that made me smile. I take pictures of things that make me happy. I pin quotes on Pinterest that are supposed to turn crap into silver linings, meditation, yes to medication, deep breaths in the bathroom…

Slow down – Stop – Refocus – Restart

Sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes I do give in and just lay there and be.

You know, the people who can simply shake a bad thing off by just thinking positively?

“Look on the bright side!”, you’ll hear them say to you.

I wish. I wish I could just look to whatever side is brightest and let it all roll off my shoulders like they do. But for me, things just stick. My thoughts stick.

And nothing makes me feel worse, nothing makes me feel like there is something horribly wrong with me than when a Positive Patty says:

“You’re miserable. You’re so negative. You’ve been bitchy.”

“Oh RLY?!” 

I truly believe that there are some people in my life who think that I can conjure up happy thoughts and magically erase the “bad juju” away – that happiness is a choice.

It’s a yes or a no.

As if I keep choosing soul crushing depression  y’all…

But that’s not how it works.

Medicated – my moods ride roller coasters that Disneyland won’t ever be able to replicate.

And damn it all, life is sometimes garbage. Like doesn’t your panties twist in a bunch from time to time?

Do you ever turn into a “Stick The Sun In Your Ass Cass” kind of a gal?

I dropped a litre of milk on the kitchen floor, that hot mess that I can’t mop up because I threw my back out coughing four days ago and I shouted “Mother EFFFFFFFFFF!”

There’s nothing positive about spilled milk. It’s sticky. My dog quickly tried to lap it up like he just discovered liquid cocaine. Did an awful job of it because he’s blind. Half of it was pushed under the fridge.

Self loathing soon swooped in –

I wish I wasn’t so crippled up right meow.

I really hate winter, the corner nubs on my socks because I can’t bend to untwist them, constipation, and your mom – just kidding. I bet she’s nice.

I hate the fact that we only got 3 Christmas cards this year because I keep thinking “Well maybe I was too negative and everyone hates me”, family dysfunction, and shitty genetics.

And I definitely hate gas prices – screw you.

Negative, negative, negative.

I tend to totally go off the radar when I’m irritable. I get quiet. Try not to interact. People perceive that as being a “bitch”.

Life isn’t always positive. It’s totally OK to feel negative when something really bad happens. Hell, it’s OK to feel negative feelings period (I mean it’s not OK, but if you feel them, know it’s OK and there’s help). And it’s also OK to express how you’re feeling as long as you’re not being an asshole to others.

And when I mean expressing feelings, I mean talk to someone, write it out (like I’m doing because I feel like imploding), art, dance, go to the gym. I don’t know – get that shit out.

You cannot unsee this

We are human.

We feel all sorts of things besides happiness.

I. Can’t. Be. Positive. All. The. Time.

But every day I will continue to try look for the good and if I can’t find it or feel it — well that’s OK too.

I am not sorry if people don’t like the way I am when I am well or not well.

This is me.

Please stop telling me that I am negative.

Why not say something like, “Hey, are you ok?”

Open that can of worms.

Talk to me instead of putting me down and shutting me out.

 

I will leave on this positive note:

No matter how I am feeling, I am always forever grateful for these two stinky cheeses every day:

  • we wanted to forget that 2016 happened but then we took drunk pictures of us wearing hideous 2017 glasses.

 

How do you handle people who are always telling you to cheer up buttercup?

12 Comments

  1. –OMGGGGGGGGGGosh,

    the last time somebody told me to SMILE and Be happy, I think they were a bit sorry about it because I said, “My sister was murdered. Stop telling me to smile.” I know that wasn’t nice, but shut the F up and allow me to feel what I feel.

    Anyhow, I need your address. I must send you a Christmas Card or New Years or…
    my email is siammuse@msn.com

    xxxxx

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh. Nope. They. Didn’t.
      Why do people do that? Why don’t people just say “What’s wrong? or Are you ok?” if they think something is wrong. Hell some people do have that thing called a resting bitch face – you don’t have that. You’re gorgeous….but seriously though. Let people feel. And that’s another thing, when people tell me stop being negative or tell me that I’m negative, I’m going to bottle up my feelings and will be less likely to come to you when I’m not feeling well.
      I love you Kim. xoxo

  2. Sh*t man. I think you’re positive nearly always! You SHINE.
    I.. hate people. I love them individually, of course, but when I see crowds or crowded roads, I say, “Gosh, I can’t stand humans.”
    In front of my kids too!
    Not cool..

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      In groups, they scare me. If there is a pet around, I’m all about it. Just kidding. No I’m not. Also if there is a table of food, I’m all about that too.
      xoxox

  3. I’m also on the request list to send you a Christmas card. And I didn’t even DO Christmas cards this year.

    You keep on being you. It makes it more bearable and less lonely to be chronically negative me.

    🙂 <3 HB

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You’re awesome Heather. I think that was the nail on the head – when only three cards trickled in. I mean Christmas cards shouldn’t be an indicator of how many friends you really have but…ugh…after this year and the comments…
      You keep being you too. If people can’t love us or like us for who we are, then they why be friends? Like I don’t know why I keep people like this in the circle. Sigh…it’s hard. People suck don’t they?
      xoxo

  4. Some people think they have all the answers… Ibtry my best to ignore the ones that tell you to smile and be sunshiney happy all day every day. Sorry, sometimes, life sucks and things aren’t always all rosy. Depression or not, I cannot possibly be positive every hour of every day. C’ est la vie!
    Keep on being you! xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You’re so right. No one can be sunshine and rosy all the time. Some people come off like they are though. I wish that they’d fess up and say that they aren’t. I don’t think anyone can humanly be happy all the time or positive all the time.
      You’re the best Susi xoxo

  5. Your ability to put words to the same thoughts in unbelievable.

    Girl give me your address come December and I’ll mail you a dog Christmas card that we do annually. And bonus, you’re local. 🙂

    Have a good one my dear. Xo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh we did dog Christmas ones when it was just us 3 amigos. Now it’s Chunky and Champ in a card. The worst part is everyone told us “Oh we can’t wait to get your card!” and so we sent them out — assholes. And I had to make two sets because the first set didn’t turn out.
      Don’t get me started on the person who called me a bitch.
      People suck sometimes.
      You’re a hoot. I could only imagine what we would be like if we lived near each other 😉
      oxox

  6. I got three Christmas cards too. And I hated it. Because I had the same feelings. It’s because everyone hates me.

    I was being told I was a negative a lot. Now, I just act positive when I’m around other people. The one time I made a negative blog post, comments were “Oh things will be better” “Just think positive” I try, I really do. But it takes up a lot of extra energy when you really can’t think positively at that moment.

    Keep being you, you are okay however you feel. Positive or negative or even in between.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh Morgan…I literally got a text message that said “You’re being a bitch” because I couldn’t go out. I had so much to do and I have a family member that is sick right now and I’m trying to take care of their needs as well. I was floored. Like WTF…Merry Christmas. I lie awake at night wondering “What did I say? What did I do? Was I too this? Too that?”
      People don’t understand what it’s like in our heads and the fact that we do try really hard. And when we bottle it up — it makes it so much worse. And people encourage us to talk. Gah, it’s hard. So damn hard. I am so sorry Morgan. I really am. I wish I could give you a hug. I’d send you a card. Mother effers. Do you know how much stress I had sending my damn cards? The cards screwed up and I made two sets ugh…my husband was like “You’re not sending any next year.”
      People suck sometimes. I just wish for one day they could walk in our shoes. Just one day.
      And you keep being you and if you need to feel negative and talk about it – do it. It’s hard to bottle it up. That’s what I do. I shouldn’t…but then I get backlash like this crap. If you ever need to vent, I’m here. I mean that. xoxo

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