My number one go to sweater is grey and soft and loved gently in all the right places. It lets me breathe when I feel suffocated by the weight of the world or by the weight of a row of cookies I just devoured.
Sometimes I feel like a slob in it.
Sometimes I feel kind of saucy in it.
And sometimes I wear it days upon days in a row because depression won’t let me do anything else but the most absolutely basic things in life like waking up and eating and being a mom to my beautiful boy and then going back to bed.
It’s OK to have those days you know.
Just make sure that you’re getting help if you’re having them OK?
There’s a sense of security that comes with this sweater and I think we all have a piece of clothing that makes us feel this way.
I’ve had it for many years now. I ordered it online and the first time I wore it, Shawn tossed it in the dryer.
It’s 100% cotton.
The sweater shrunk.
I was in a deep depression then and I believe this was before my diagnosis of bipolar disorder so I was on a cocktail of medication that was not appropriate for my illness yet.
My reaction was completely irrational to the situation. I threw a laundry basket and I swore and then I locked myself in the bathroom.
Shawn spent a good amount of time stretching the sweater back to its original length out of fear for his life.
I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then.
So not funny.
The sleeves are still too short and my belly shows as soon as I move my arms, but I love this sweater.
How odd and random is this post for you?
I was just thinking as I wore it the other day, sitting on the floor with my dog, how many moments, how many bouts of depression, hypomania, and panic attacks I’ve endured wearing this sweater.
And how many of those I’ve overcome.
A whole crap ton – that’s how much.
I don’t really know what a “whole crap ton” equates to since I am horrible at math but if Jane had an apple and Joe had 14 bananas, I’d say that since being diagnosed with postpartum depression in 2008 and then bipolar in 2011, I’d say I’m doing pretty damn good on the survival scale.
Our city has not seen the sun in such a long time and I am feeling it deep down in my bones and in the pit of my being. Every time I open my fridge I’m tempted to put my face right up against the light bulb just to feel the damn sting of heat.
I’ve been using my light box and I sit by the patio window to catch whatever rays might peek out.
I’m starving for some sun.
Please tell me that your city is sunny?
I keep telling myself that this will pass, the winter will pass, the depression will pass – and I know it will.
Because I wear this sweater and I remember all those times depression told me that it wouldn’t — but here I am.
Here I am ass bucket!
Depression is such a liar isn’t it?
PS. If you have the sun, can you release it and send it back to Canada?
Things that made me happy/Things I’m thankful for
- my strong and healthy boy – our school community lost a little angel to the flu this week
- the brightest sun I’ve seen all week was the egg on my burger
- Happy birthday to my every day anchor and baby daddy – Shawn. We went on a shopping spree and we pretended that we were at a fashion show. We “Ooooh’ed” and “Aaaaah’ed” every time he came out of the dressing room. We aren’t allowed back at that store in America.
- Thank you to every one who participated in Bell Let’s Talk Day! Keep talking about mental health every day!
- Our favourite senior Champ turned 13!
Linking up with these gorgeous loves: