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Sweater Weather

My number one go to sweater is grey and soft and loved gently in all the right places. It lets me breathe when I feel suffocated by the weight of the world or by the weight of a row of cookies I just devoured.

Sometimes I feel like a slob in it.

Sometimes I feel kind of saucy in it.

And sometimes I wear it days upon days in a row because depression won’t let me do anything else but the most absolutely basic things in life like waking up and eating and being a mom to my beautiful boy and then going back to bed.

It’s OK to have those days you know.

Just make sure that you’re getting help if you’re having them OK?

There’s a sense of security that comes with this sweater and I think we all have a piece of clothing that makes us feel this way.

I’ve had it for many years now. I ordered it online and the first time I wore it, Shawn tossed it in the dryer.

It’s 100% cotton.

The sweater shrunk.

I was in a deep depression then and I believe this was before my diagnosis of bipolar disorder so I was on a cocktail of medication that was not appropriate for my illness yet.

My reaction was completely irrational to the situation. I threw a laundry basket and I swore and then I locked myself in the bathroom.

Shawn spent a good amount of time stretching the sweater back to its original length out of fear for his life.

I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t funny then.

So not funny.

The sleeves are still too short and my belly shows as soon as I move my arms, but I love this sweater.

How odd and random is this post for you?

I was just thinking as I wore it the other day, sitting on the floor with my dog, how many moments, how many bouts of depression, hypomania, and panic attacks I’ve endured wearing this sweater.

And how many of those I’ve overcome.

A whole crap ton – that’s how much.

I don’t really know what a “whole crap ton” equates to since I am horrible at math but if Jane had an apple and Joe had 14 bananas, I’d say that since being diagnosed with postpartum depression in 2008 and then bipolar in 2011, I’d say I’m doing pretty damn good on the survival scale.

Our city has not seen the sun in such a long time and I am feeling it deep down in my bones and in the pit of my being. Every time I open my fridge I’m tempted to put my face right up against the light bulb just to feel the damn sting of heat.

I’ve been using my light box and I sit by the patio window to catch whatever rays might peek out.

I’m starving for some sun.

Please tell me that your city is sunny?

I keep telling myself that this will pass, the winter will pass, the depression will pass – and I know it will.

Because I wear this sweater and I remember all those times depression told me that it wouldn’t — but here I am.

Here I am ass bucket!

Depression is such a liar isn’t it?

 

PS. If you have the sun, can you release it and send it back to Canada?

 

Things that made me happy/Things I’m thankful for

      • my strong and healthy boy – our school community lost a little angel to the flu this week

      • the brightest sun I’ve seen all week was the egg on my burger

        • Happy birthday to my every day anchor and baby daddy – Shawn. We went on a shopping spree and we pretended that we were at a fashion show. We “Ooooh’ed” and “Aaaaah’ed” every time he came out of the dressing room. We aren’t allowed back at that store in America.

        • Thank you to every one who participated in Bell Let’s Talk Day! Keep talking about mental health every day!
        • Our favourite senior Champ turned 13!

Linking up with these gorgeous loves:

8 Comments

  1. So I have to know, what size did the shirt start out and end up?

    I am so glad you keep talking as this dreary weather drags on.

    We’ve been sick this week but everybody seems well so we are headed to the children’s museum an hour from here. If math ever gets done.

    Oh the heartache of the little boy in chunkys school.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I believe it’s a small but Shawn stretched the arms out and in doing so he stretched the neck area even more. It wasn’t supposed to be that wide at the neck – I could hear the rip as he stretched it LOL. I love it though.
      It was a little girl. It was a teacher’s daughter. She didn’t go to the school but her other children did. So awful.

  2. We have sun here in Colorado! I get spoiled by it, then when it’s gone for just one day, I want to hibernate like a bear.
    That is SO sad about the little girl lost to the flu. We can land probes on distant asteroids, but…

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Yes, I know. The things science can do but still can’t do is mind boggling.
      We have had full sun for 2 days in a row and I cannot physically stand it – but in a good soulful way. Like I don’t even know what to do with myself. Yesterday I filled out cards that needed to be mailed while sitting in my car facing the sun. Sure I was blinded and the cards probably made no sense because I couldn’t see what I was writing but man, it felt good. And I’m typing this as I’m sitting on the floor by the window. It’s too cold to venture out and the roads are icy but hopefully those will melt!

  3. Happy Monday!

    You have so many things to be grateful for in the last week. I gotta ask, where the hell did you guys get banned from? Lol Sounds like something my husband and I would do.
    Girl it was SUNNNNNNY downtown Toronto today even though it was frigid as hell. Last week was gray and gloomy and I was thrilled to see the sun poking out this morning. 🙂

    Happy birthdays to you man and your beloved shadow. 🙂 Give him smooches for me, your dog, not your husband to be clear. Hahaha!

    xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      We have sun now! 2 days in a row. I’m actually typing while sitting by the patio window. I might even be breaking out in a sweat. A sweat! xoxo

  4. You put an EGG on your BURGER?!?! Why have I not tried that? It looks delicious! You always open my eyes to new ideas. Thanks for being an awesome inspiration. (even though you probably don’t feel it right now)

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Look, they even put bacon jam on that bun. I didn’t even know there was such a creation. I shaved at least 10 years off my life by just looking at it.
      I love the back of your head avitar. xoxoxo

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