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When The Sun Isn’t Enough

The sun finally broke through all that is wrong with winter.

It was like God himself said “This city has had enough Mother Nature,” and He just parted the thick grey murky clouds and flipped on the light.

If I was a cowgirl, I’d take a rope and lasso the sun; pull it in and give it a hug.

My pastey reflection in the mirror could use a good skin burning and hell, I don’t need eyebrows.

Just kidding. I love my eyebrows and my eyebrow technician. I don’t know what you call those people who make eyebrows look magnificent. My person is like the Picasso of Eyebrows. I don’t trust myself with sharp objects near my face.

Case in point: Grade 10

The tweezing only got worse from there. By the end of the year, I almost had no eyebrows. Don’t I look all angelic in my catholic uniform though?

Anyways, my eyebrow person is a Saint. I made an appointment to see her next week because I’m depressed as hell and my kid said I was growing a grey one.

But that sun though is wonderful.

I’ve noticed that in my every day stay-at-home mom/ chronic pain/ mental case/ blog writer person adventures (which are actually not that adventurous)  that people in my city are embracing it too.

I talked to a person at the grocery store for at least 20 minutes about a roller skating rink that used to be in our city. We talked about the classic jams that they used to pump through the big bulky speakers and how we used to hunt down boys to hold hands with as we skated to songs like “November Rain” – longest slow song EVA!

I was even bumping into people with my shopping cart because I always get the cart with that one wheel that wasn’t meant for wheeling in straight lines. People got the *boop* in the *rear* and  would turn to apologize to me for it.

I saw people helping other people get things off of the shelves.

Other people letting other people cut in line who had less items then they did.

It’s like I walked into an episode of “The Twilight Zone”

At my son’s therapist appointment, I got swooped into a conversation with a boy and his mom who owned a 100 year old violin. He said it calmed his anxiety. I met a grandma who had tightly pinned her blonde curls up at the top of her head. Her voice was loud and infectious and bounced off every corner of the room. She had almost reminded me of my own grandma. She was 80 years old she said and had made homemade soup for her granddaughter because it was her favourite.

This is a room that is dead silent aside from the book pages being flipped by anxious little hands waiting their turns or the antsy in the pansty siblings accompanying them who need to eat everything in the vending machines.

I always feel so dreadfully alone there but it felt good to talk. So good that I almost cried.

I hope that the sun keeps shining in our city. It won’t cure my depression.

In fact I know that I’m going to need something more – a new medication, an adjustment, I don’t really know. I just know that I am not well enough to just keep hoping that the sun will fill me up, and to keep thinking that spring will be just around the corner and every mid-morning, or afternoon, or night I keep reminding myself that “Tomorrow will be a better day.”

That’s not a way to live.

I need more help.

So I nervously emailed my doctor yesterday and I see him tomorrow.

The forecast for our city looks pitiful in the next few days but I still have a sliver of hope.

I hope that the sun tries to bust through.

I hope everyone remembers that feeling the sun gave them – that lift – and that they remember that it will come back.

And that people keep being kind to one another because we need each other.

That they keep acknowledging each other as they pass by.

 

When you go out this week, do me one favour:

Try to make at least one stranger feel visible – say hi to them, hold the door open for them, maybe even compliment their coat or hair or shoes, etc –  because some days, to some people, that means so much.

This is exactly how I drink my tea in the full sun in my living room in my PJ’s. You should try it. It’s absolutely wonderful and ridiculous but also because super high fashion and you only live once. I hope my super nosy neighbour was catching this.

*If you’re not feeling yourself, please don’t keep waiting for tomorrow. There is help out there for you. Please reach out. You do not have to be suicidal to call the suicidal hotline – you can call there just to talk. You can just go to their site to get a lot of valuable information. You are not alone.*

13 Comments

  1. Ah, the sun. A healing power. Snow and more snow here. The clouds can wreak havoc. I love your sunny pic with a mug I tea in hand. I’m also jealous you have an eyebrow lady. But your message here is not lost on me, Kim. Another wonderful,post!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh my eyebrow lady is my everything. She even does eye brow tattoos but I am not sold on that at all. Love her but no thank you. I just can’t foresee myself at 80 and rocking black eyebrows.

  2. You know, every time I see a stranger or even people at work, I always remember the words about how your smile can make someone’s day, so I always try to smile and say hello, even if I’m in a rush or not feeling my best. Works been stressing me out a bit and people get on my nerves so sometimes I have to make myself do it. Usually, it even makes me feel better…
    Good luck at your appointment, hope you can find something that helps! xoxo

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Susi that makes my day. Really. Fills my heart knowing that! I am so sorry that work has been stressing you out like that. I too find that doing little things for people in turn makes me feel a little better. I hope that when you get home that you do something for yourself to unwind xooxo

  3. We don’t have much of that being nice to each other thing going on here in ‘Merica. We’re still attacking each other over politics and making sure not to actually listen to each other. And the sun left, but my three girls are falling in love with running this morning, just like I did at a much older age, so I am a happy mama. I love it. And I love that you e-mailed your doctor. He is a good man who wants you to be the best you can be. I love you.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      I almost didn’t because I was afraid to. I’m glad I did. I really needed something added. I just hope that it helps. I feel worn down to nothing and I’ve got nothing left in the tank. I think it’s great that your girls are loving running just as much as you do. That’s great! I wish my kid loved doing things like folding clothes and putting them away. Maybe sweeping the floor. THat would be super great 🙂
      hee hee
      xoxoo

  4. Ima do it! Your challenge/favo(u)r. Today, tomorrow, the next day…
    We had two days of grey that left me all sad and jumbled , and I don’t suffer clinical depression. I’m glad you got your sun. Your sunny “tea room” looks wonderful.
    I hope you have a productive appointment with your doctor and are feeling better soon!

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh that would be so friggen awesome! I’m a super awkward introvert but it’s interesting the people that you meet sometimes. Today I had to get an EKG and lab work done and I struck up a conversation with a woman whose kid destroyed their boots on the way to school. It was kind of a funny story. She seemed super frazzled about it but by the end of it, she seemed pretty ok — because my kid did the exact same thing the other week and I had to pick him up from school. Like my kid actually went swimming in a puddle or something!

  5. The sun. It heals and helps and medicates and soothes in so many ways, doesn’t it? I understand… and I think that this time of year, in particular, the bus to funky town gets me down (could explain why I’m so unbelievably excited to hightail it out of her tomorrow).

    Also. I love that you friggin rollerskated to November Rain. How badass and awesome is THAT?! Also I heard that song on the radio the other day and pumped it like it was 1995 all over again and it was WONDERFUL.

    Take care of yourself. That’s most important. Sometimes you need a bit more. Sometimes a bit of sun will do. But always listen to what your body is telling you <3

    Sending you so many *HUGS*, sweet friend.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Oh the sun is so wonderful and all those other things that help lift my mood. Believe me, I’ve been trying to use all my tools in my tool box but life has really been swallowing me. I just know deep down that I need more than just those things. I’ll always need medication in my life and I’m ok with that.
      I love November Rain. Longest song ever but man, I can jam for days to it. I’m jealous that you’re taking off. Turd! Take me with you! I hope that you have a wonderful time!!! xoxox

  6. I was actually doing air guitar and drums to November Rain in the car yesterday and Scarlet gave me a funny look.
    The sun does wonders for me too. When I was 19 and going through some minor anxiety (then, anyway) I remember saying, “This isn’t me. You’ll really get to know me more in summer when I’m happier.”
    My boyfriend at the time said, “Oh, honey. It’s ALL you. And that’s ok.”
    But I remember thinking summer would save me, and it couldn’t.
    I dare say that sunshine, sundresses and ice cream DO help, though. More than this 14 inches of snow we got yesterday.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Did that boyfriend become a psychiatrist?
      The sun does help. For sure. My track record does prove that my mood is a lot better in the spring and summer months.
      And you got 14 inches of snow? Oh nope. Nah. I dare you to run out there in a bikini and lay in it. Rebel woman. REBEL!
      xoxo

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