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It’s Been The Longest Winter

Us: It’s almost Spring!

Mother Nature: Hold my beer…

It’s been the longest winter it seems. We haven’t had much snow and it hasn’t been too painfully cold but it’s been this lack of sun that has poisoned my entire being with such a strong sense of negativity. It’s constantly looking out of my window and seeing the world on mute. It’s as if Mother Nature pulled my depression out of my center and put it on display.

I’ve never felt this unhealthy before – bone-weary, hollow, and every time a light switch was flipped I needed to plant my face against it because I was starved of sun. I often joked with my husband and said that even the sun had enough of our bleak world and just packed up with all the other lucky retired Canadian snowbirds who effed off to Florida.

The sun would not have cured me of my depression but I know it would have helped me through this mess.

I advocated for myself and asked for an antidepressant. I started taking it a few weeks ago and I began to busy my hands with things I loved to do instead of busying my mind with thoughts that entertained dark endings.

Some mornings after dropping my son off at school, I would go grab a coffee and take a mini drive around the city with the radio turned up. When the mood struck, I’d pull into a parking lot and take out my notebook and write.

This solitude fed the introverted heart in me. It allowed me to ignore the laundry, the sweeping, the lists, the unannounced visitor, my phone, all.the.things.at.home.that.prevented.my.lungs.to.expand.and.contract.

Sweet bearded Jesus, I could breathe.

Even if it was just for a little while.

And right now the sun is hiding but every day it’s coming out more and more.

It’s staying longer too.

And me?

I’m slowly trying to come back out too.

Life kept happening hard though.

That’s the thing when you get sick. There’s no pause button on life when you’re trying to figure yourself out so you just have to keep rolling with it. Sometimes you have to – no, you NEED TO put up protective walls around yourself while you’re healing.

That could mean stepping away from certain people who may bring you down and learning to say “no”.  Unplug the phone, deactivate your Facebook for a little while or clean up your friend’s list, don’t hang with the people who make your insides instantly wrap up like a ball of barbed wire.

If they care about you, they’ll respect you and your boundaries.

If not, well, I don’t know. I’m not a therapist but I am good with flipping the middle finger.

Also, baking. I’ve been good at that. Rage baking is good for the soul box.

And listening to your kids is so good too. Do that. Listen to your kids more when they talk. They have such marvelous stories.

Also getting outside. If you’re worried about showering and your hair and make-up…girl, yesterday’s make-up can be today’s smokey eye and put on a hat. Sure it might be scary but do go out and get fresh air if you can.

But I’ll tell you one thing though.  That Frost guy – when he said to take the road less traveled….

Total bullshit.

Happy Spring.

I made it. We all did.

Sunnier and warmer days are coming everyone.

This is my jam right now

And I was interviewed on the sweet and very hilarious Lonneke’s blog Relaxing Mommy. You have probably (most definitely) recognize her from her instagram account RelaxingMommy (if you’re not following – DO NOW! She cracks me up!)

I’d love it if you’d swing by and say hello!

http://relaxingmommy.com/2017/03/20/meet-kimberly-an-inspiring-blogger-from-canada/

11 Comments

  1. I hope summer comes SOON for you. I spent one winter getting tanning booth sessions because I needed the light. These days I try to go to sleep before I self-destruct. It’s a fine line.

    This has kept me hanging on – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCQyox1VNEY

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      HOW. FUN. IS. THAT. SONG?! I love it so much!
      I hope summer comes soon too.
      Oh tanning booths. I used to do that in the fall when Chunky was very small and I was depressed. I stopped because it is expensive and just not enough time and whatnot. Anyways, I’m headed to a doctor in a few weeks to see if I have a cancerous spots on my back. Yup. My pain specialist caught it last month. So if you go, just be careful. I’m never going again. xoxo

  2. I am so with you. Getting out of the house without a chore to do is so freeing. I learned this doing my thesis. At home, I had all these things pulling at me but going to the coffee shop of library and I was free of them. Good for you for recognising that you needed an antidepressant. It’s not easy to admit but once you do you are on the road to better things.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Exactly that! When I was outside of my house, I didn’t feel the need to pick this up or dust that etc. I could just be. I find solitude is the best thing for me. I know that you’re not supposed to isolate yourself when you’re depressed but I think it can be good for you. Some of the people that were coming around were rubbing me the wrong way and my husband agreed. Turning off my phone, dactivating my facebook account, telling people “no I can’t come out with you” was a healthy thing.

  3. This is my favorite sentence that I’ve read all day: “I’m not a therapist but I am good with flipping the middle finger.” Love it!
    I’ve battled depression at times, and I’ve found that journaling in solitude is a great escape for me during those times as well. Good luck on your journey. You are not alone.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      Thank you so much! Yes, journaling is a wonderful tool to help me cope. That’s why I started this blog actually. To help me get my thoughts out there and to help connect with other people!

  4. RUN OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW–THE SUN IS SHINING!!!! I have spent my winter running my kid to play practice and then going to the gym there to literally run. I haven’t sat in a church service in forever due to anxiety or whatever. My 6-year-old told me yesterday “You’re pretty nice when you’re not mad.” Go ahead, kid, bust my heart. Yes, my friend, this winter has been a bitch. Thank you for helping me through it.

  5. Oh, yes. This. The sunshine. It’s like out there for all of five seconds and so I rummage around for my hat and boots and gloves and I step foot outside and… snow. Or rain. Or just icky weather. OVER IT!

    Some sunshine would feel good right about now, eh? Sending much love and healing and less depression to you. You are such a kind and sweet soul, momma. Sorry that thought kind of feels disjointed there, but it fits in my book. And yes to middle fingers. I mean, not to you, but to the general public in general sometimes, HA!

    Also this song is pure magic 🙂 Thanks for making me listen again. Haven’t heard in a while.

  6. I love this song. Sorry you’ve had a long winter. We had no winter, so I think I could use a happy medium.

    • Kimberly Kimberly

      You lucky duck! We are supposed to hit 70 tomorrow which is so strange since it is 30 today! The weather is so weird.

  7. Coming across your blog should have made my top 10 list of what made me happy this week. I swear I feel like I am reading about myself. Love!!!

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